Becoming Monsters: In the Mirror Ch. 32

This is still a story of the Becoming Monsters series by Ai Loves, setting used with permission. All canonical and mechanical errors are my own. The yarrb is the creation of FelisRandomis, used with permission.

The first half of this chapter is going to deal with a few hard topics as well. CW for trauma responses and oblique references to suicide.

Many thanks to Ai Loves, again, for coordination and planning in Jay's dream this chapter.

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Chapter 32: Under the Surface

Emily stepped to the shower. She needed to clean up, badly, the reminder of what she had just had to do still splattered across her golden fur. She was still there when Whitney and Gloria got back.

"Got six of them," Whitney told us. "Little bit of overkill for a warning system, but they didn't know how to handle someone with wings who was willing to use them."

"We missed at least one," Gloria added. "He ran while you were taking down that one on the hospital roof."

Amber looked concerned. "What did you do with them?"

"Oh, don't worry. I tossed them onto the station house steps with a sternly written note."

"Whitney, to be honest, that's what I was worried about once I knew you two were okay."

Paige spoke up from the couch. It wasn't like her to be this quiet. "I'm not quite sure what I expected when you gave me the chance to leave Marcus's place, but I can tell you that it was not this. Glad you all seem to have things under control. Even knowing what happened, I can hardly wrap my mind around it."

"No joke. Actually, Nathan, I do have a question for you, about yesterday. Why were you at the bank? It was the middle of a school day, and you weren't out saving my neck for that one."

"Oh, that. Dad got wind of a bunch of bank robbers going around, and told me to go retrieve one of our things from there for safety, and keep it in my person at all times until he told me otherwise. He sounded urgent, so I didn't wait." He thought for a moment, reaching into a pocket. "Need to apologize to Mrs. Jenkins, that's twice in a row I've missed her class." He pulled out an odd piece of metal and handed it over.

If I had given it one glance, I would have thought it a Silver Dungeon Coin. The details were off, though. The silvery color was the wrong shade, and it was squared off instead of round. No dungeon stamp of the mountain, either, though the oblong crystal on the other side was the same, and it was much heavier than I expected it to be. "What is this?"

"Far as Dad can tell, it's a Dungeon Coin. Thing is? It's made of tungsten. He can't place where it's from, either, which is odd because he knows all thousand dungeons by heart. No unique identifier where it normally would be."

I held it in my hand, and could feel the distinct tingle of thaumic energies. That translated to enormous amounts, normally even Crystal Coins barely registered to unenhanced touch. I handed it back. To be frank, I didn't want anything to do with what that Coin meant. "You can talk to Sarah about what this could be used for, but that team? It included a really vindictive necromancer. He likes using crafted gates for summoning streams of undead minions." Nathan didn't have skin that could pale, but I could see his surface rippling with shock at the revelation.

About then I got a bad feeling. A hunch. I looked at my watch, and realized that I had never recovered it. Hm. It felt like Emily had been in the shower a long time. I excused myself from the current conversation to go check. The water was clearly running, I could hear it changing sounds as if striking a body. Knock, knock. There was a soft sound, almost inaudible under the water. A sniffle. A sob. The door wasn't locked. "Emily, I'm coming in."

The first thing that struck me when the door opened was an enormous amount of steam. It felt less like a shower in use and more like a particularly wet sauna. The second thing, shortly thereafter, was the metallic hint of iron in the air. Blood. It smelled... well, not strong, per se, but strong enough. More than cleaning off a few splatters should have given off. There was fear in the air, though whether it was my own or Emily's I could not readily tell. "Emily! Are you alright in there?" She sobbed out an affirmative. "I'm here if you need to talk, Em."

"You... you realize that's the first time anyone has ever used that nickname for me?"

"I figure you'll tell me later if you like it or not. Talk to me. You told me once that I needed to pay attention to my own mind to keep from disaster. No offense, but right now it sounds like you need me to return the favor." She'd also hopefully forgive me later, but I Scanned her through the shower curtain. I didn't get much, but her HP was still at 98%. Good. If she had wanted to do something permanent, she had the know-how and capability to have done so already.

"I don't think I like it. Jay, can you... no, that's silly..."

"Emily, just ask. The worst that will happen is a few laughs."

"Okay. Can you come in here? With me?" She sounded... plaintive? It wouldn't be the first time we had shared a shower, and I wasn't exactly prudish if you hadn't guessed by now. I got out of my clothing quickly, a trick I had learned in the last month as a necessity of my new life.

"Sure. Stepping in." I did so from the side away from the shower head. She probably still needed the water more than me. Inside, it was even steamier than the rest of the bathroom. I found Emily there, bedraggled and miserable, scrubbing at her claws and fur. Blood dripped off of her. Some from what she was scrubbing. Some, apparently, because she had lost her concentration on her shapeshifting or ran out of mana. Her tails thrashed behind her like five angry rats. Her golden fur was matted with the...

Wait. Back that up. FIVE?

Yep. There it was. The mighty cosmos had dictated that her actions that afternoon were proof that she deserved her fifth tail. "Emily! Congratulations!"

I stepped forward to give her a hug, and there was a sudden, bright pain diagonally across my chest. She had clawed me, slicing cleanly through the skin. I could see, then, that those claws had acquired a certain glitter that had not been there before. They looked almost like they were made of diamond. One canine tooth that I could see was the same way. "Don't touch me! Jay, I just killed someone, and the universe decides to reward me for it?"

The wounds were superficial. They'd heal. "Emily, you did a lot more than that tonight."

There was anger on her face. Shame. Fear. Disgust. Pain. I could feel it roiling under her skin, making it difficult for even me to concentrate. She started sobbing more. "What am I here for, Jay? Why am I alive? I thought it was all so clear. I escaped from persecution. I healed a man by my own power. I joined this wonderful mess of a group. And then? I violated every oath and promise I made. That's what put me into the top ten percent of all Kitsune. These claws have killed, now. I can't get rid of the blood, and they refuse to break. I don't deserve a reward, but I can't give this one back. I want to cut off my tail, but it wouldn't do any good. The first time I shapeshifted, it would be back." She sank to her knees under the hot water, the sobs wracking her body.

I sat down in front of her. "The situation was an impossible one. I was in imminent danger. So was Nathan. You had no time to prepare or calculate, only enough to dive in. You did what was necessary, when so many could not have. That is impressive."

"Why is what is necessary so horrific, then? Why couldn't I solve it with healing? I have dedicated my life to this purpose. That will forever be tainted, now."

I sighed. I thought for a moment. She was patient with me, though hard on herself. "I want you to do me a favor. Take a look at those new claws of yours. The ones we are going to go find a diamond-grit emery board for tomorrow."

She chuckled, weakly and involuntarily. I'd take it. She looked at the claw, glittering like my wife's ring. "I want you to notice something, Emily. Those diamonds are pure. They aren't stained. I disagree with you on what, among all the lunacy of this afternoon, earned them for you. What I do know is that you? Your soul? It is much like them. You've endured great and terrible things, my little fox. Yet, you are still here, still tough. Still sharp. I can attest to that last part."

"Oh... oh, I'm so sorry, Jay!" She was shocked at the reflexive harm, her tears flowing.

"Don't need to apologize. You weren't there for it, but Lucy and I literally had a shootout with Flame Rays a couple weeks ago. Claw marks will heal. I wouldn't if something happened to you. I've had to strike at a person with intent to kill five times in the last five years... no, wait, six now. Today counts. All of them were in defense of life and limb, either myself or someone else. Defended the victim successfully all six times, slew my target twice. No, the memory will likely never leave you. At least, I hope you aren't the kind of person who would just forget that. Thing is, you learn to live with it. You take the lessons just like anything else. You did the same thing, today. Please don't apologize, and don't wallow in guilt, for doing what is needed for you and yours to live."

She sat there, staring. Sniffled. Then, she leaned into my arms, hugging me with all she had. I held her there, comfortable in the hot water. "Not sure if I like being called a little fox, either. I'm older than you are."

"We're going to be together for a long time. I'm sure I'll find a good nickname for you eventually."

Her eyes widened at me, as she looked up from my arms. "Do you really mean that, Jay?"

I considered for a short moment, then nodded. "I'm not letting go any time soon. My intention is never. You're mine for as long as you'll have me."

There were no more words for a while. She leaned up, kissing me deeply. We stayed there, with her in my arms for a bit. She calmed. So did I. No longer terrified for her life. No longer quite as confused about my own. Whatever else was going on? I wanted these seven ladies to all be there with me for it. Emily had gotten me to admit that.

Dinner was subdued again. Quiet. We were tired. The emotions which had been running wild had flamed out. Our four guests got a bit of a glimpse into how our own inner workings went, the conversation relatively light. Nobody at all wanted to talk about the rescue. I mean, least of all me. Not a fan of forcing others to put their life in the line.

Gloria, laughing about stereotypes, threw together an impromptu nacho bar for us. Somehow, there was even flaked fish for the Twins. I didn't even realize we had any, but it made sense given the kind of training program Whitney was putting us on. She was embarrassed about having to improvise. All four of our guests looked like they wanted to propose to her just for the food.

It had to end eventually, as Thursday evenings do. Stephen flew from our balcony, joking that it was still less work than trying to teleport home. Nathan, too, got himself concealed and left for home after giving Amber one more hug. As the twins left, though, Chaske slipped me a note. One that was in a closed envelope, with the words "read later" on it. Considering these guys could message me on any one of twelve different contact methods, that was a bit odd. By then, Emily was... if not quite well, at least able to talk about her new tail. It was odd to watch a dogpile of hugs and not be the one on the bottom of it, but I was happy for her. Me? I sat on the couch, and gave Nibbles some pets. He felt a hair left out of the action this time. While Gloria had set him to patrol the building, none of the enemy observers had been there. He had spent the time nervously walking around to no effect. Though he couldn't tell me himself, I knew how hard that was on people. Even bribes of ground beef and flaked fish could only ease his mind so far.

Eventually, everyone more or less decided it was time to sleep. We could explore Emily's new abilities later, talk philosophy and timelines tomorrow. Whitney and Gloria were still scheduled to go Below the next day. Nibbles would be with them.

Lucy and I were settling down in bed when I remembered the note. As we settled in, cuddling nude on the bed, I reached over to grab it.

"What's that, Jay?"

"Chaske slipped me this on the way out." The letter was mercifully brief, because the handwriting was terrible. Comes from not having hands, I guess.

Guild Leader Kithkin,

This letter of intent is to notify you that my brother and I intend to, at the completion of our current contract, leave Munin's Wing in order to petition for membership in Shield Against Shadows. We think that Stephen wants to petition as well.

Chaske

Whew. That was... not expected. "Love, check this out. I need your advice on it."

She took the note, brows furrowed as she deciphered the handwriting, until they flew upwards to her hairline. "I somehow think that you aren't going to be inducting them in quite the same way, love."

"Gee, thanks for that mental image being your first response. Still, I don't want to be seen as poaching talent. The Twins? Fischer will probably be okay with them, the guild wasn't really utilizing them. Stephen? That's a different can of worms."

Lucy snuggled up closer into my chest. "I don't think it's any different. I'd let Fischer know ASAP once you talk to them, anyway. He deserves to know, at least, and he has a couple months left on this contract. For Stephen, you have a friend in the officers of his guild, right?"

"Yeah, Grits. Not sure how that would go, rumor mill already has me involved on why Stephen went on vacation. Marshal Shapiro probably knows what's up, his brother was there for the conversation and Stephen was an exceedingly rare resource."

"That's why he wants to join, love. If Chaske is right anyway." She turned in my arms, giving me a kiss. "You don't see us as resources. You don't see us as transactions. Only time you talk like that is when you are translating us to or from the kind of language others will understand. You aren't going to love them like you love us, but they can see that they will be valued."

I hugged her close, in my arms. Breathed in her spicy scent. "Maybe you're right. I'll talk to them as soon as I can."

"Now. Speaking of that. I talked to Emily, off to the side. I got the details of what you told her. She's starry-eyed like a young lover, and I can't blame her. But... Jay, that was a big thing you promised. That was a big kiss you gave her."

"I meant it, though. It's been kind of creeping up on me for a bit. Ever since I realized how things worked. It may not be the same as how I love you, but I love each and every one of them."

She looked up into my eyes. "I suspected that. For a while now, even back when Emily first joined it was clear. She tells me she told you."

I wobbled a hand. "Kind of. She let me know they loved me. I wasn't ready to admit my emotions at the time."

My wife shrank into my chest. "So, Jay, what does it mean for us?"

I thought for a moment. Reached into that deep well of emotion within me. Not to broadcast it this time, but to analyze it for myself. Way harder. "Honestly, love? Putting words to this is going to be a challenge. Love shared is not divided, here. It is multiplied, and it is that love which makes us people. I love and appreciate each of them for their own unique ways, but each of those makes the love I feel for you that much greater. Three months ago, I thought I was at the highest heights of love for you. I have learned better since, as it continued to grow beyond what I could have comprehended then."

"... you have any idea how lame that sounded? If I didn't know you as well as I do, I'd think you were making excuses."

"Good thing you know me, then. I did say that putting it into words is hard."

She didn't say anything for a bit, snuggled up there in my arms. I just enjoyed the feeling of her, comfortable and comforting, her tail wrapped around one of my legs. My breathing began to slow and level as I began to drift off to sleep.

"Jay?"

"Yes, love?" I put a bit of willpower into staying on this side of wakefulness, feeling warm and floaty.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"I... I think your ability is changing you, too."

"What?"

"Jay, look at us. Look at you. You've completely adapted to this, dove right in, and it's way more than anything normal. Whitney has been with us less than a month. Paige, only a few days. Yet, all of them, you'd go out and fight and die for any of our sakes, just like you would for me. I know you aren't some infatuated puppy, I can feel that directly. It's love."

I breathed. Was this what it was like for them, when I told them of my suspicions not too terribly long ago? That brief moment of utter panic, of not knowing what was going on in my own head? That introspection, desperately searching for some clue or data point to confirm or deny what I just heard? That sudden resignation, acknowledgment that the emotions are there, even without knowing their source?

"I think I'm going to quote someone who had a similar thing happen recently. You said it yourself, is it so bad? My devotion remains. My love for you remains. We have overcome a lot, this team, and I think I like what I have become. My only question now is if you are happy with it."

"That's not a fair question. How do you expect me to be able to say no? You know I wouldn't even think about asking you to give up something that made you happy."

"Lucy, at the same time, you know that if I see you miserable, happiness is not exactly something that would last long. Sex is fun, sure, but that's not the end goal. I could walk into the sleeping room, strip, and screw all six of them whenever I feel like. Heck, I could do something like that in any brothel or strip club in town. What I have with them is above sex, and what I have with you is an intimacy and bond they can't match. I can't have this kind of conversation with Whitney. I wouldn't ask her for it, or expect it. You are who I married, for a good reason, and I made that decision well before the Change turned you into a sex demon." I smiled a bit. Against my chest, I felt her smile, too.

"I think I am happy with it."

"Good. Then we can make the rest work."

When I finally slept that night, I found myself back in a familiar place. The onyx plains had changed since I was last there. I could no longer see the pool, but the terrain around me was no longer featureless. There were cracks in the plains, some barely a hair, some a couple inches wide, and all glowing sullenly purple. As I watched, I could see some of the smaller ones sealing themselves back together.

Given what I knew of the place, the fact that it was so broken up wasn't the greatest sign. That it seemed to be healing was a bit more reassuring.

Footsteps approached from the left. Not the sharp tapping of hooves, the steady tread of confident feet. It was a woman, seemingly Human. She was quite tall, a bit more so than me, and built powerfully strong. Her skin was pale, her hair long and the color of spun gold, her eyes the blue of clear noonday skies. Even relative to her height, she was generously proportioned, breasts hanging perfect and heavy, hips wide and inviting. She wore nothing, hairless from the neck down, and showing signs of arousal.

"Who are you?" I asked her. "What are you doing here?"

Her voice was low and sultry when she responded. "Oh, I think you know who I am. As for why I'm here, well, it's the only place I can be. I am the sum of the parts you have gathered. Until you bring me forth, I'm only an idea."