Better Off Dead Ch. 02

Hello,

Just a note, this part of the story is character/plot development, there is no sex. It's also best if you've read the first chapter. Don't worry, sex comes...it always comes ;)

A.K.

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I slept so well that night, a solid eight hours. Although I woke up refreshed and still riding that wave of euphoria from the night before, dread slowly worked its way into full blown anxiety. It was Raye's birthday, and I had promised not only to show up but to participate in more than my normal wall flower way.

The concept of facing Eli so soon after our night at the club only made my anxiety worse and by the time I arrived, I found myself going out of my way to avoid him. I watched for him, hiding around the corner until he went inside, counting to fifty before I slipped in behind a large group of people. I did my best to blend into the crowd, yet he still managed to find me almost instantly.

I was in the coat check line, seconds after arriving, and without so much as trying to meet my gaze Eli slid to a stop beside me and leaned over to say, "Don't you look well rested." The tie of his all black suit was loosened and his dark hair was ruffled giving him a casually elegant look. My stomach did a flip and I had to glance away.

"I slept for the first time in a week," I muttered, smiling at the coat check lady and doing my best to escape him as I waded into the crowd. No luck however, Eli strolled close behind me like he had all the time in the world and no other place to be.

I glanced back nervously and found his eyes leisurely sliding down my body. He met my gaze with a little half smile and I knew exactly what he was thinking. Blushing I turned away, just in time to collide with the line up at the bar.

The red head I'd hit was nice, he reached out to steady me, which only made me more uncomfortable. He laughed, I apologized and lined up behind him. Eli, with his hands in his pockets and his best non-threatening air, came to a stop behind me.

"So, you'd do it again then?" Eli's question took me by surprise, as did his heat as he leaned into me. Eli's face betrayed nothing, he had that same small smile that was his trademark but his eyes were guarded. I couldn't honestly say if it was unusual, I've never been one who enjoyed eye contact. I knew the exact shade of every tie he owned but I wouldn't have been able to tell you the colour of his eyes until yesterday.

I took a deep breath and nodded, "Yes, I'd do it again."

I don't know why I told him that, but there was no backing down now. I watched his eyes light up for the briefest of moments before that mask of indifference returned. Across the room Raye called my name and I glanced over to see her waving at us, the brightest of smiles on her face. She looked so happy, the new, glittering diamond on her left hand rivaled only by the joy radiating in her blue eyes.

I, on the other hand, felt incredibly self conscious. We bought drinks and Eli followed me over to our group. He hovered too close as Jane positioned us for a group photo. If this had only been the weekend before, Eli would have gone to the other side and thrown his arm across Derek's shoulders. Tonight, however, he stood beside me, leaning in a little too close for comfort as the four of us smiled for the camera.

Only Jane didn't get it the first time and she made us hold that pose while she tried to figure out her camera. I froze as I felt Eli's hand move to my waist. Raye was laughing and chattering but my mind was not there. It was all wrapped up in the man whose hand was burning its way through my loosely fitted blouse. A shiver rolled through me as I remembered the night before and it took all that I had not to pull away.

By the time Jane said she had a 'good' pic, I'd chugged my drink and was pushing myself through the crowd to the bar. Tension filled my body when a familiar heat slid in behind me again as I called out my order.

"I'll be there next week," Eli turned and leaned back against the bar to watch me as I waited. Pretending for all the world like this wasn't the most inappropriate conversation to be having right now, I just smiled at the bartender, paid for my drink then turned to navigate my way to the tables where our group was gathered. Eli followed, pretending not to notice my discomfort and watching me with eyes that seemed to see everything but revealed nothing.

I smiled, laughed and chatted with the people around me, pretending like I wasn't focused on the dark stare that never seemed to leave my body. A few drinks in I was shamelessly flirting with some stranger, pretending to be interested in whatever sport he said he played. When in reality I was hoping Eli would get the point and leave, or ignore me. He didn't, instead the infuriating man waited and watched. Eventually, out of desperation I excused myself and escaped to the bathroom.

After an uncomfortable pep talk where I tried to convince myself that I could do this, I exited the bathroom. My eyes instantly going to the table in search of the man I hoped had found something else to distract himself with. Part of me didn't know how it would feel to see him all over someone else but I was convinced it would be better than the alternative.

"There you are," I heard him say, seconds before he herded me into the corner. Eli never touched me, he just used his whole body to make me go where he wanted. Head down low, eyes locked on me, he looked like a cat cornering his prey. I was pretty sure I looked like a startled deer searching for a direction to bolt in.

When my back was against the wall, his hands braced on either side of me, and his body looming over me to block out the rest of the bar, Eli asked, "Why aren't you flirting with me?" Clearly I wasn't the only one drinking away my inhibitions.

"That's not a good idea," I said under my breath.

The devil smiled, a heart stopping smile that I'd never seen before. "I think it could be."

I shook my head adamantly, "No Eli, it's a bad idea. You and I see each other way too often for you not to be a threat." The word was out of my mouth before I had the sense to stop it and instantly I regretted it. "I didn't mean that," I tried desperately to recover but it was too late.

"Yes you did. How am I a threat Mariah," Something in the tone of his voice and the way he used my full name made me think he knew the answer, so stubbornly I held out. After a moment he leaned in and when I turned away, he let his nose follow the line of my cheek. "How am I a threat Mariah?"

Shamelessly I couldn't help the groan that came out. I felt a wave of pleasure roll over me and I swore his pheromones were a truth serum. That was the only explanation, I lied to myself, I couldn't possibly be this weak.

"There's no risk with them," I confessed. "I can flirt tonight, go back to Raye's and never have to think of them again. With you..." He nudged my cheek with his nose and for a second I stumbled over my words. "I s-see you everywhere, and even if I tried to get away, I get the feeling you would haunt me."

He gave a satisfied chuckle and pulled away, looking more than a little pleased with himself. "I think I haunt you already. Come on," he took my hand, "I'll buy you a drink."

"I can buy my own," I muttered unhappily pulling my hand away but following him nonetheless. I was all too eager to drown my confession in something, anything that would prompt me to forget it. His smile stayed as he ordered our drinks, and he paid before I had the chance to complain. So I ordered two shots and paid for them myself, passing one to him.

"So, Friday," he said, raising the shot glass and downing it like a pro. "Am I going to see you or not?"

"Don't make it sound like a date Eli," I threatened pointing an unsteady finger at him.

"Why not," he laughed, that hand going to my back once more as he pushed me through the crowd to the tables. "Is the thought of a date with me that bad?"

How very far from the truth he was, I thought as I shook my head and pulled away from his warmth. Before we reached the curious gazes of our friends I turned and held up a hand. "I'm not on the market for anything Eli. Seriously, I'm not."

I waited until that smile faded, and nodded at the serious look that replaced it. Once I was satisfied that he got it, I turned back to the tables and plastered a smile on my face.

I spent the rest of the night avoiding his angry stare and pretending like I was excited to be with them. I danced with Raye when asked, smiled and laughed when the others did, but all the while I was all too aware of the anger bubbling in the man across from me.

A few hours later when Jane and her man disappeared and the rest of the group dispersed, Derek and Raye suggested we all go back to their apartment for movies and popcorn. Before I could say anything Raye bullied me into saying yes and Eli agreed. To my dismay I found myself following them out to a waiting cab.

I shouldn't have expected any less, but mere minutes after we were at their place, Raye and Derek disappeared, leaving me with two uncomfortable choices. I could stay the night with only Eli for company, or head back to the lonely old house I avoided at every opportunity.

"Where's the popcorn?" Eli asked when the muffled giggles began. I sighed and led the way to the kitchen. As I pulled out the popcorn maker and he passed me the kernels, tried desperately to forget my embarrassment.

"So tell me why you're not on the market," Eli said as he passed me the butter too, then jumped up to sit on the island.

"Does it matter?" I hoped it sounded detached, while emotions warred within me.

"Absolutely," he said. "If you're off the market because you're hung up on some douchebag who broke your heart..."

"No douche bag," I rushed to cut him off, "no broken heart."

"So what is it then?" There was no emotion in his voice, not even a hint of interest. It felt like we were talking about anything else, like the weather or a grocery list. He let the question marinate and waited patiently as I filled a bowl of popcorn, contemplating just how honest to be.

"I don't have it in me to worry about someone else's feelings," I said as I poured the butter and tossed the popcorn. It was straight forward, to the point, no emotion. I was proud of myself for that. "I'm broken, and I need to figure my own shit out before I go exposing someone else to it."

"So why the club last night?"

"I'm not there to find a relationship." I glanced back over my shoulder, "Please tell me you're not looking for love in that cesspool."

He ignored my comment and pushed a little more, "So what are you there for?"

I just shook my head and pushed a bowl of popcorn at him when I moved to the living room. "You wouldn't understand, I'm not even sure I could explain it."

"Try," he urged following me to the couch and sitting a little too close for comfort.

"You really don't want to know how fucked up I am," I replied softly passing him the remote. "Some things are better left unsaid."

He put the bowl in my lap and focused on finding a movie, but after a few minutes he pushed again. "I'm not going to stop asking, so you might as well tell me now." I let out an exasperated sigh to which he smiled and shot me a look that said he wouldn't be letting it go.

So I was honest, brutally so. My gaze dropped to the bowl in my lap and I struggled to find the words. "Some days are bad, so bad I need to feel something, anything else. Some sort of pain that isn't the all consuming ache that sits right here. Something that isn't the crippling anxiety I'm forced to live with everyday."

My hand pressed to my breast bone and I took a slow measured breath. "It sounds crazy but the pain helps me breath, it helps me relax, it pulls me out of the shit that goes on inside of me." It sounded so fucked up to me, just saying it made me feel pathetic, broken and weak, but he wanted to know.

Five years ago, hell just a year ago I would have never even broached this subject. It's funny, but I turned 30 and suddenly I didn't care that much any more. I cared, but I knew that eventually he'd run. Now or maybe a year from now, Eli would figure out my truth and run, so why did it matter? I didn't have it in me to pretend any more.

We sat in silence as he flipped through movie options. He didn't look at me which made this a little easier, not a lot but a little. Eventually Eli reached over and took a handful of popcorn. "So are you planning on finding someone new every time?"

I shrugged, "I thought so at first, but now I'm wondering if those people aren't a bit too hard core for me."

Popping a few kernels into his mouth Eli probed a little further. "How so?"

"It's more Dom/Sub than I'd expected. Especially online."

"You're online?" Now he glanced over at me, but I couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes.

"How do you think I found out about the club?" When he reached for the popcorn again I slid the bowl in between us, needing the distance.

"So you're a masochist, not a submissive?"

"I think so," I replied honestly. "I'm not exactly sure how well I'd handle authority figures right now."

"So you're not looking for a stranger every night?" His question brought us back on track effortlessly, and drunken honesty prevailed.

"Is it crazy to say I'd like it to be the same stranger every night?" Glancing over I caught him smiling at me and found myself strangely captivated. I couldn't help but smile back.

"Not ridiculous," he affirmed.

"Just not realistic, I know."

"You could form an agreement that would simulate that type of experience." Eli was just so cool about it all. To an outsider looking in on us we could have been discussing the movie. The only embarrassment was mine.

"A recurring stranger," I mused sliding back into the couch.

"Think about it. You could have an arrangement that gave you all the things you liked about that fantasy." He paused when he saw my confusion and asked, "What about the stranger thing do you like so much?"

"The lack of personal connection," I replied matter of factly. "I don't want to ask how their day was, I don't want to share my feelings."

"OK, so what if that was one of the rules? No small talk, no feelings." He sat back and waited for it to click.

"The rules?" I asked foolishly, "Like red, yellow, green?"

"Exactly. You have all the power Mariah. Someone like you, in this community, you make the rules." Taking another handful of popcorn he ate a few and glanced briefly over at me. "You're offering what we all need, you can set any rules you want. That's the thing most subs, or 'bottoms' in your case, don't realize. Any Dom or 'Top' would bend over backwards to have a regular play partner that wants what you want."

Curiosity won out and I asked, "Would you?"

Eli smiled and popped some kernels in his mouth. "What do you think I'm doing right now?"

He caught me by surprise and I smiled back, "And here I thought you were just being nice."

Eli might have been smiling but his tone was deadly serious. "You could set almost any rules or restrictions on this and I'd probably give them to you."

"Almost?" I teased, not quite sure if I was ready to take him seriously. "You said any rule a minute ago."

"Well there might be things I'm not ready to give up."

"Like what?" It was my turn to probe.

"Are we negotiating?"

"Does it have to be a part of a negotiation?" I said in jest, half expecting him to tease me back.

Instead he turned in his seat, draped an arm across the back of the couch and fixed me with an unnerving stare. "I'd like it to be."

"Don't joke," I felt instantly uncomfortable and struggled to meet his gaze.

"You'll learn I don't joke about stuff like this Mariah."

"Why me though?"

"Fishing for compliments?"

I shrugged, a small smile at my lips, "Probably."

There was a moment of silence before he took a breath and said, "You're beautiful. Don't give me that look, you asked for my compliments now you need to just sit there and take them." He scolded me gently but a seriousness settled over us which made me uncomfortable. "You're sensitive, self conscious and insecure, which makes me want to protect you from some of the assholes out there who will abuse that."

His eyes darkened and I nervously chewed on my upper lip as he continued. "You are so responsive. Part of that is how much you enjoy it, part of that is our chemistry." I shook my head but he leaned in, "We have chemistry Mariah."

"We had chemistry last night," I tried to correct him, but he just smirked and sat back with this look that said he'd like to prove me wrong.

"If you say so. It all comes down to what I want Mariah, and right now you're the closest thing I've found. So I'm going to try and find a way to work with you."

"You make it all sound so clinical." He made me nervous, it was more than just what he said, it was the energy pouring off of him.

"Isn't that what you asked for?" I blushed and nodded, he shrugged and waited for me to say something.

"So what do you need then?" I asked eventually for curiosity's sake.

"Discretion, this could affect my job if it got out." I nodded and waited for him to continue. "I need exclusivity, I'm not good at sharing." There was a warning in there for me.

"You can't get all possessive," I challenged. From across the couch those captivating eyes darkened.

"Then don't give me a reason to be," he was so matter of fact it was like I was silly for even saying it. "If you're not on the market, so it shouldn't be hard right?"

"I'm not property."

"I never said you were, but I'm also not going to pretend like you can do whatever you want with who ever you want without running the risk of upsetting me. This is an agreement. I'm offering a service, in exchange for an agreement from you that you won't do what we are doing with anyone else."

"This is crazy," I muttered to myself. How did we end up talking about this, on Raye's couch of all places.

"So, no small talk, no feelings, discretion, and exclusivity." Again he effortlessly pulled us back on topic. "Anything else?"

"We can't do this." I was blown away by how easily he'd gotten me to talk about this. This was too close to commitment for me.

"Why? Because it scares you?" I both hated and loved the way he seemed to just see right through me to the truth of my issues.

"It sounds strangely like a relationship."

"I hate to break it to you Mariah, this right now is a relationship. The conversations you have with the teller at the bank is a relationship. Do you want to put boundaries on our relationship and make this something that can potentially fulfill your needs or do you want to take unnecessary risks?"

I sighed, my ability to think rationally was quickly fading. Again, Eli in all his mind reading glory turned back to the TV.

"Why don't we do this, if you meet me next Friday, then I'll know you've accepted the agreement and we don't have to talk about it again." He started flipping again and asked, "Action, horror, drama, or comedy?"

"Action," I whispered my reply, "Always Action/Adventure."

The next morning the sound of Raye's giggling woke me, I laid there for a few minutes, enjoying the warmth of the blanket and the sound of her happiness. It was impossible to begrudge her the happiness that Derek brought her, even if it changed our relationship drastically. I could stand being the second most important person in her life if he made her laugh like that.

There was a yelp of surprise from the bedroom and smiling, I slowly sat up to stretch. Only then did I remember I wasn't alone. Eli lounged in the far corner of the couch, his legs out stretched.

He was awake, watching me with this look I'd not seen before. It was different than the mask he wore at the club, and different than the teasing intensity of the night before. Whatever it was, whatever it meant, it made me uncomfortably aroused.