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Click hereHis body tensed. I stroked his back and he tipped his forehead into my arm.
"We were always so busy. Always working late, always giving everything to the force. Ray was involved in a shelter for runaways and he gave so much of his time helping those kids. Never wanted thanks, just did it because someone had to. We always meant to take a vacation and get away, spend some time just the two of us, but we kept putting it off, thinking we had plenty of time next year. But then our time ran out."
I felt him swallow hard and I rolled to my side and drew him closer, resting my chin on top of his head.
"I was a pallbearer at the funeral. I didn't have to, but I wanted to. I couldn't just watch while they put him in a hole in the ground."
"Daniel..." I whispered his name so lovingly. I'd do anything to take his pain away but I couldn't, nothing could. I could only hold him tight.
"I stood there watching while everyone gave their condolences to his mother. They presented the flag to her and she received all his honors. Once he'd come out as gay, she barely spoke a word to him... she didn't even look at me the whole time. Our friends on the force who knew about us couldn't even acknowledge me publicly. It just felt so hollow, a sham. The next day I was back at work, going through the motions, but I wasn't even sure I wanted to keep going. My friends watched me and kept me from taking stupid risks, but for awhile I didn't care if I lived or died."
I cringed. "Ray wouldn't have wanted that," I told him softly.
"I know. That's the only thing that stopped me from giving up. He would've wanted me to keep going and so I did. Joining IAD to get Adkins made me focus on something other than coming home to an empty house. I started doing normal things again, going out to bars, hanging out with friends, fucking, but I just felt so tired inside..."
"Empty."
"Right. Exactly."
"And what about now?" I whispered. I knew I shouldn't pressure him but I just wanted some inkling that he had feelings for me. Something more than just casual, more than just a fuck, even if it was selfish. I felt it, yeah, but I just wanted to hear it.
"Now? I just want to get through this... to finish the job, and to keep you from getting hurt. Although, if you'd just listen to me, it would make that part a hell of a lot easier."
Despite the bitchy note that crept into his voice, I hugged him and smiled as I relaxed into sleep. It wasn't exactly the declaration I wanted, but it proved he cared. He wasn't going to deliberately get himself killed because he suddenly had something to live for. Even if he couldn't say it aloud, it was something. For right now, it was enough.
****
Author's note: Without the help of the late Colleen Thomas this story could not have been written. Colly, I will never forget your knowledge and your kindness. I miss you.
- COMMENTS
Spadger2over 6 years agoI know this is not the end of the story, but the tale so far has been absolutely absorbing and, although everything has not been perfect in the relationship thus far, it is obvious that their love and respect for each other will continue to grow and expand. It certainly appears that this is destined to be steady and permanent relationship.
"Carsonshepherd", your writing skills are wonderful and you make it a joy to keep reading, even when I should have been long in bed.
Thank Goodness, the weather has been getting warmer here in Eastern Australia and I don't need a heater. Thank you so much. (Patrick)
Tomorrow, I hope I can go on to Pt. 6
goldboy16almost 8 years agoI enjoy all the dialogue, plot development, humor, realistic characters and believable descriptions. The details are enticing. One suggestion I'd like to add to the couple of comments others have made about tense changes: I've noticed that occasionally you leave out a word; usually the context makes it easy to fill it in while reading, but your quality will improve of course if you watch that. Also, sometimes a word is in the wrong place as though added or changed during editing, or there's a wrong homophone or just a word misspelled. These things are minor compared to the overall excellent quality of your creativity and superb descriptions, but noticeable nevertheless. Thanks for a very enjoyable story! I believe as a finished book it would sell like hotcakes after final proofreading to clear up the fine points. I'm an experienced proofreader for 21 years for a major daily newspaper in my state; if ever I could be of help, I'll be happy to if you'll let me know.
SanguineAffairover 11 years agoI've noticed the tensing change myself, wasn't sure if it was unintentional or writer's prerogative. Those of us who are English brats (I don't like the name "grammar Nazi" for what I hope are obvious reasons) and editors tend to get rather distracted by such things.
This story is freaking fantastic.
Anonymousabout 12 years agoYou've got some talent at writing, one heads up though. You have a tendency to change tenses at random points, makes it seem sloppy. Fix that, and you've got a future, kid!
