Birdcage Ch. 01

‘Non literary abominations such as fifty shades of grey’ 😂😂 babe, it was the best selling book of the last decade. Stop gatekeeping writing.

First of all, I’m writing this comment because the author publicly asked for feedback on this series on the forums, and I take it that she isn’t only interested in unreserved praise but rather wants to improve her writing for which it would sure be beneficial to draw attention to possible weaknesses in her writing (so as to improve on them in the future). That’s why I’ll mainly talk about these exactly, so please bear these preliminary remarks in mind when reading what follows!

After that’s been pointed out, I want to first come clear that I haven’t read all parts of this series but only chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, and 11. There are two reasons for this: first, I felt no great inclination to read on after chapter 4 because I felt I knew exactly how this was going to play out in the end (and, indeed, it did), and second, the author asked specifically for feedback on chapter 11, which is why I jumped then to the last chapter to be able to at least provide some feedback on that too.

Now, as a matter of fact, the “fatal flaw,” if you so will, of this series is its very story, at least to my mind, because it’s basically just another contemporary romance (CR) with a bad boy as love interest, including the obligatory (if only implied) HEA. Admittedly, I loathe CRs, especially in the vein of such literary—or rather nonliterary—abominations as “Fifty Shades of Grey” or “365 Days,” and hence I simply abhor the recent trend on LIT to apparently turn the NonConsent/Reluctance category into some kind of cesspool for extraneous derivatives of these commercial offerings. Naturally, I thus cannot think of any way to “save” this series; hence I’ll mostly talk about mere technicalities for the remainder of these reviewing comments.

In the first paragraph the narrator points out the protagonist’s “chestnut brown hair,” which strikes me as an unnatural observation since the narrative is focalized through Joni who in this very paragraph has just been abducted and blindfolded, so why on earth would she observe her hair color in this of all situations?

The simile (“hit her like a steam train“) in the second paragraph is superfluous, I’d say, and also severely lacking in creativity as its imagery has been used more than a thousand times before.

Then why on earth would Joni count the exact number of steps the older guy in the warehouse scene takes (“He reached her in 12 steps. . . .”), or, alternatively, why would the narrator see the need to observe this in such an exceedingly exact way? What’s the use for the reader to learn that he did not reach her in 10 or 13 but exactly 12 steps? Moreover it does not seem to play any role whatsoever after that. So, just what’s the point of this minute detail?

Next there is this curious observation of the narrator: “She [Joni] knew she had a good body, men had told her that enough times.” Since she’s supposed to be a virgin: when exactly did these—apparently—numerous men have the opportunities to observe her body in the necessary way to justly tell her that?

Lastly, I want to give just one example of the many instances of slight sloppiness in the present writing (which seems mostly unedited to me): “Michael pulled at her arm and turned her around. . . .” Q: When did she turn away the first time? In the stripping scene it’s nowhere mentioned before, in fact exactly the opposite is explicitly stated before when, “Michael stepped forward again bringing himself inches away from her face.” So he is facing her already and then turns her around . . . to face him again? This just makes no sense.

Still, this first part is quite intriguing as it’s not entirely clear yet what’s in store for Joni and the other girls. Furthermore the very beginning is quite gripping, and I think the initial thought processes of the abducted protagonist are depicted quite well.

—AJ

As a piece of writing this is superb, incredibly well done. It’s vivid the characters are very believable, you’ve set the scene really well. It made me feel like I knew the place, painting a clear picture of these girls and their prison. The actual plot itself is disturbingly vivid and unfortunately very realistic, it made my skin crawl and made me want to vomit. I was unable to read every word it felt like an episode of sleep paralysis. I won’t be reading any further, this is far too real for me. Whilst I enjoy Reluctance stories there’s nothing palatable about this story, nothing that I would want her to co-operate and relax into. The only reason I can think of to read this kind of story would be for her to escape and bring the whole sick mess down, that said I don’t think I could stomach the journey involved to do that.

Best of luck with your writing, you clearly have an immense amount of talent. If you haven’t already published to a wider audience then you should seriously consider it. What you’ve written will sell, very well. Just not to me.

Regards, Tess (UK)

I don't understand the others' enthusiastic comments.

Not so good, only the ending is better then expecting: 3* for me

I’m sure you’re writing under a pseudonym, as your skills are that of an established renowned author . I felt like I was reading something on the bestseller list . What great talent you possess , and what a story ! Wow !