Book 02: A Match Made Ch. 01

I shook my head; stop torturing yourself. Part of me was terrified about going to her office today; the other part couldn't get there fast enough. I rinsed my mouth and jumped in the shower. Another thing I can't stand to do anymore but obviously necessary. Sometimes I rush through it so quickly, I've left conditioner in my hair or forget to wash entirely. As soon as the water hits me, it's like her hands are on me. It feels so damn good and hurts so damn bad. I hate it!

Today, at least, I made sure I washed and rinsed. It reminds me of the way she used to 'inspect' my body for soap when we showered. Of course she did this with her tongue... oh god... please help. Just a little longer Kara. Get dressed, get over there and get your woman back! I felt confident, mostly. Glancing at the clock, I realized I was running out of time if I wanted to catch her going into the office. I hurried to the closet and panicked! Why didn't I do this last night? Maybe it was good I was in danger of being late, so I didn't have time to completely break down. I snatched a light blue blouse off the hanger and grabbed some jeans. It may seem like I didn't give it any thought but I thought about how the blouse would bring out my eyes; she loves my eyes. Okay the jeans were an afterthought, but silly me did take a few extra moments to decide which panties and bra to wear. No, I didn't think we'd be getting naked today, but it's one of those small things I always made an effort on with Lissy. In a way, it was one of the ways I showed her that I never took her for granted... geez that seems idiotic now, Kara! Whatever, I decided on a lacy blue bra and silk panties... yes to match my shirt. Hush!

Finally dressed, a hint of makeup, a couple spritzes of Euphoria (she loves when I wear it) and I was out the door. As soon as my feet hit the sidewalk outside of Barb's condo, my heart started to race and my legs felt like jelly. Wow, this is a comforting start. I hailed a taxi, quickly jumped inside and tried to get myself together. Gauging by the traffic, it would only take about ten minutes and I so didn't need to be a wreck when we got there. I had the driver drop me a couple blocks away, the last thing I wanted was to run into her as I was getting out.

Okay I'll admit, this did feel a little like stalking but it was for a good cause. I wonder if that's what they all think... stalkers? Pay attention or you might miss her! I walk to about half a block away and wait. What if she's already here and I missed her? What if she sees me and walks away? What if I see her and freeze again? My mind was scrambled and with my arms crossed, I pace. How long do I give it?

I didn't need an answer, because all the air was suddenly gone around me as I saw her. From 50 yards, I felt it. It's still there... when we're near each other it's like one of those super magnets drawing us together. My legs started towards her on their own; she's so beautiful. Look at me Lissy; I know she can feel it too. It happened so fast, I wasn't ready... she looked up. She's stunned... she definitely sees me. Oh god this is stupid, what are you thinking? I turn and disappear just out of sight.

It's back... the panic attack. No, No, No! Not now! I reach out for anything to steady myself. My knuckles scrape brick as I frantically grasp, knowing my legs might give out any moment. Breathe, Kara! Slowly in, slowly back out. At first they're shallow as my chest contracts with each attempt. Once I'm able to fill my lungs again, I notice the hot tears streaming down my cheeks. I failed... choked... again! What is wrong with me? I won't let myself do this. Get yourself together and go see her. Wiping my face with my sleeve and standing up straight with feigned confidence, I went back around the corner to find my Lissy. She was gone. Did she see me? I know she did. Then why didn't she come to me? Why did she leave? It hit me like a sledgehammer, it's over. My knees buckled and I fell to the ground. The sobs wracked through my body. I felt hands on me, heard voices. I swung my arms wild. Leave me alone! Alone.

** October 12th **

Lissy

The week was rather uneventful other than me crying myself to sleep on Kara's birthday Monday. I hated that I couldn't call her. If you read this you may be screaming, 'Call her for god's sake.' I had that voice on my shoulder -- well, in my head. You already think I'm nuts as it is.

Who knows about us humans anyway? Billions are spent in therapy and on mind and mood altering drugs. The divorce rate is 50% or so, and that doesn't even take into account that the marriage rate is down considerably OR that those that do are marrying later. And never even mind about gay marriage -- a fast growing segment on the pie chart.

Enough of my musings. Becky and I talked a couple of times between our first chat and our date. Call it what it is, Lissy. It was just coffee; just a Starbucks or whatever she may decide -- but it was a date.

***

Columbus Day was on the 14th, which meant we had a 3 day weekend. I'm pretty sure I hadn't mentioned it before but Jenna and Ian have moved. Ian had taken a job in Minneapolis, Minnesota. It was not my happiest moment, but their future was way more important than my daughter and my grandchild. Okay, that's not fair. Ian, for all that I know about him, is a real good dad and husband. Anyway, I miss them.

Point is -- they came to visit over that weekend!! And they stayed at the house. And Jenna's brother and sister and their respective others were every bit as ecstatic as I was. Jenna and Ian were too; and let's not forget the not-so-little bundle of joy that was Ella.

Part of why Ian and Jenna chose this weekend to visit was that it was a holiday weekend. The other part was that Friday the 11th was JR's 30th birthday. I'd called, of course. He was fine with waiting till today to celebrate with all of us.

"Andi's parents are taking the baby for the night, Mom." Ah! "Andi won't tell me exactly what the plan is for dinner and the rest but I'm sure it will be fun." Count on being dessert, sweetie!

"I hope you both have a good night, honey. As long as you're okay with waiting a day, I'll see you both tomorrow."

"Grammy!!" Little hands opened and closed as her little legs hurried to me. I swept her up and put her on my knee. "Where's Rayray?" Almost a year and a half and she's still cute enough to eat. I wrapped the little angel up in my arms; she giggled madly as I bathed her in kisses.

When I finally stopped, big brown eyes shone as she said, "I'm wearing big girl panties, Grammy!"

"Your mommy told me, angel, and I'm so proud of you. Are you excited that Dylan's coming too?" She made a face.

"He's a baby; I'm a big girl now." I swear to god; if she had a chest, she'd have puffed it. Nothing I could do.

Jenna was lurking, hand over her mouth to stifle the giggles. I didn't dare look for fear of the hellion looking for her mommy. She did take advantage of the little sweetie putting her head on Grammy's shoulder to talk to me.

"How are my bratty sister and her honey?" I smiled.

"They should be here any minute; they had some things to do earlier with friends; they were coming up after whatever it is ended. How are you two getting on in the Twin Titties?" Jenna laughed.

"The natives know it's one of the nicknames and they hate it." She shrugged. "It's okay I guess. It's not home; nothing will be other than here." Her eyes got dark for a moment. "But we have to go where Ian's job dictates. He loves his job." I saw her hubby coming toward us; he kissed her neck. She turned, smiled at him and gave him a quick kiss.

"I heard my name, Mom." He smiled. "How are things?" Intense black eyes, as ever, bore into mine.

"They're good, Ian. I'm so glad you could come, even if it is a short visit. I get that your professional life is demanding and all, but it's good for everyone to see you and for all of you to see everyone." I miss you, Kara.

"Have you heard from the love of your life?" Jenna's eyes were curious. I took a very deep breath and shook my head.

"No I haven't. I'm not happy that she hasn't called or made any attempt to contact me. But I'm not happy about more than just that." I hope I kept my voice and face neutral; god knows I tried.

"It's just us, Mom; will you please tell me how what looked so good went off the tracks so quickly? You have to know that all of us are beyond confused... perplexed." Yeah... I do. And I'm not tellin.' I kept my gaze on my oldest.

"No, I can't." God, I don't want to say it like this, but maybe she'll understand -- being my oldest. "I never told you what went on with your father and me, and I won't with Kara and me. I'm not saying my decision on either is the best choice or the right choice, but it's my choice to make. I can only pray that you'll understand it and accept it."

"Lissy, you did what you felt was best for you children about your marriage." Ian's eyes flicked from me to his wife and back. He shrugged. "We've talked; the best we can do is make sure we don't... that we make sure our path will avoid some of what happened in your family." He blushed and said, "I'm not even going to pretend my family was perfect."

I was totally okay with what he said. I smiled. "It's okay, honey. I know what you mean." A cute pair of brown eyes stared at me. We need to get off this topic while this angel is listening. "Ella honey, can Grammy get you some apple juice?" Squealing ensued. We both giggled as I smothered her with kisses on her cheeks and neck. I poured juice into her sippy cup (stupid spell check!) and bounced her on my knee.

***

The day went on. Mid October was chilly but not cold. JR volunteered to man the grill -- I provided burgers, brats and steak. Everyone gorged on potato salad, three bean salad and cole slaw. 'Rayray' got to feed Ella in her 'big girl' booster chair while Dylan flailed like a 9 month old in his high chair eating gruel -- strained peas, etc. I shivered typing that!!

Momma was in her glory. All her kids and grandkids were home! And it wasn't Thanksgiving, Christmas or a wedding. And my heart felt like a ten pound lump of coal. And I have tears writing. It hurt, terribly, not having my heart with us. Wherever she is, I know she'd be upset knowing she wasn't with us. Every member of my family asked me if anything was new -- even Andi!! I know!! I was surprised too.

I bought a cake for my son. Sorry everybody, but cakes aren't my thing. Anyway, we did a rousing, if somewhat off key, rendition of 'Happy Birthday To You.' I had both kinds of ice cream: chocolate and vanilla. Think 'Blues Brothers' and the band and 'country and western.' Winkeys!

I had asked my handsome boy what he wanted for his birthday.

"I'd love to score tickets to the Blackhawks, Mom. If that's too much, I'd like a jersey -- the captain, Jonathan Toews." I had to look him up on Wikipedia. Shrug. I have no idea who that is other than my son said he's the captain. I really didn't know much about them. All the puppies at work were out of their minds excited when they won some trophy.

The jerseys are ungodly expensive. Think $200. Tickets? I had no idea where to start. I went to one of the dudes at work who seemed to be in the know and asked.

"You should look on StubHub." It must have been the look on my face. "I have season tickets, Lissy. I have a bunch of people who buy tickets from me. I always keep some games for myself. Does your son know when he wants to go?"

I laughed. "John, I only know he asked for tickets for his birthday."

"Is he married; do they have kids?"

"Yes, he's married. Their son is very young. I think they only would want two tickets." He nodded.

"Let me pick a couple of dates and get back to you. The games may not be against very good teams but I'm sure he'll be happy with them." He damn well better be.

Thanks to my coworker, my son has tickets to 2 games -- one in November and another in March. He jumped at least a foot when he opened the envelope and hugged the breath out of me. I may need a trip to a chiropractor for my back.

"Mom, can I help with the dishes?" I'd seen Andi looking at me now and then as the afternoon had gone on. She's been friendly with everyone, which was nice. I'd had some conversations with JR since... then, but not that many.

"Of course you can; thank you!" I smiled and asked, "How are your Mom and Dad?" When in doubt, default to easy.

"They're both fine. They're visiting my sister and her family in Kentucky." She shrugged. "They'd asked me to come to their house this weekend. When I told them we'd be here they called my sister and invited themselves." We both smiled.

"I guess with Jenna and Ian being out of town I'll be inviting myself to their place." Long, lonely drive when I'm all alone.

"Lissy?" I looked; her eyes were both hesitant and warm. "I guess you're probably pretty tired of being asked, but how on earth did things fall apart between the two of you?" Sick and tired, actually. And curious too.

"Thanks, Andi. We were on a weekend vacation in Michigan. We'd had a blast the entire time." I had to close my eyes as the memories came flooding back. I'd done my best to keep them at bay for the last few months. "I'll tell you what I've told the others. Kara really likes... all of you." I nearly lost it there. "I don't want to say anything that might change your opinion of her." Light brown eyes widened. I smiled and brushed a few red strays behind her ear. "I probably gave you the wrong impression, Andi. And if I did I'm sorry. There were some things said that came as a complete surprise to me. Things that..." You can't do this, Lissy. A little is just as bad as a lot. Nip it in the bud.

Damn fool that I am I started to cry. Andi surprised the crap outta me; she pulled me to her, hugged me, and let my head rest on her shoulder when I laid it there. And I cried. Eventually I stopped. And then this happened.

"Lissy, you're family. I hate seeing you in pain. I'm still not comfortable with it all, but you're hurting." She kissed my cheek. "There's a lot of pain there, Mom. I can't do much to help, but try and fix this. You two are good together."

I had seen someone in my peripheral vision while my head lay on Andi's shoulder. I looked as she was talking. June had her hand over her mouth, eyes wide in surprise. When she saw me glance at her she gave me a thumbs up and a wink. Tell me about it, kid! I'm as surprised as you are.

The party was Saturday evening. It was a wonderful night that lasted to the wee hours. Yes, JR and Andi had to take the baby home, but the rest of us stayed up, laughed, and had a grand old time. Geez I lie good. Rach and June went to her bedroom. Jenna and Ian went to theirs, where Ella was sleeping. And I went to mine. Alone! Again. I hate you, Kara.

Sunday was loads of fun. Because I'm out of my mind, I suggested we go to Navy Pier and go on the Ferris Wheel. I know Jenna could see it brought back tons of memories. No, she didn't ask. She's my kid; she could see it on my face. I did my best not to look at her; she squeezed my hand on our way back get the car. Ian drove home.

"Mommy, why is Grammy sad?" I had tried to keep it in and failed. I lay my head on my daughter's shoulder and cried.

Sunday night was very quiet. The girls had gone downtown early to work. It was just the five of us. Five? Yup - Ian, Jenna, Ella, me, and the elephant. An elephant who has blonde hair. Think pins and needles. Think 'If Momma ain't happy, etc.' Ella was in bed; Ian was watching Sunday night football.

"Mom, please. Either fix this or move on." I turned away; Jenna grabbed my arm. "No, you're not going to walk away. Kara was there for you after Dad died." I shrank from her gaze. "Mom, stop!" I looked at my beautiful daughter. "Rach tells me you have a date next weekend." She smiled and squeezed my hand. "She told me it's a blind date. I'm so proud of you. Even if my goofball sister and June set it up, this Becky has to be pretty special."

I faked a smile and said, "We've talked a couple of times on the phone. She seems real nice. I'm not sure how it will turn out, but your sister and June pretty much insisted." I shrugged.

"So do what you always told us to do. Look at it like it's an adventure, a chance to do something new. It may not be easy, Mom, but if you're not going to call Kara and she hasn't called you, do it. Meet this woman." She looked away for a moment, came back and said, "Who knows what might happen."

I knew she was right and it still didn't make it any better. Rach and June had been just as right. My head knew it was right. And I cried myself to sleep yet again.

I made a big breakfast Monday morning. It seemed Ms. Ella had been told by 'someone' that there was a park nearby. Off we went. Swings, slides, the spinning thing, and the 'injury proof' climbing thing produced all kinds of squeals, giggles, and random utterances of 18 month old joy. I looked at her mother like only a mother could. She's such a Mom. I'm so proud. I wanted nothing more in the world than to have my blondie holding my hand in that moment.

Ella Bella kissed me; big old sloppy fabulous make me giggle kisses. She laughed like a banshee when I kissed under her chin. I cheated; I knew she likes it. Ian hugged me before he got in the car. Jenna hugged me extra long. And wiped away my tears.

"Please fix this, Mom. I hate seeing you so miserable." I nodded.

I sniffled, again, and said, "I can't promise anything, honey, but I'll do my best. I love you. Safe home, okay?"

Monday night, alone in my bed again, was not fun!

** October 14th **

Kara

It's been a week since my birthday, since my meltdown in the middle of the sidewalk outside of Lissy's office. The memory is so vivid it makes my body tense. The waterworks start every time I allow myself to think about it. And I've thought about at least a bazillion times a day. It's probably easier to pick out the times I wasn't rather than when I was torturing myself. When coupled with the little to no sleep I've been getting, I'm an absolute wreck - with a capital W.

Barb and Carole decided to take a vacation this week. I'm pretty sure it was as much about getting away from me as it was spending time together. I can't imagine I've been a pleasant house guest. I know I can't stand my ass. Whatever... the week apart will be good for all of us. Right?

My mind wandered to a few hours earlier as Barb was walking out the door. She grabbed my shoulders and made me look at her. "Kara, use this time to get yourself together. I know you're suffering and I want to help, but..." My eyes fell and she waited until I looked back up. "But I have a responsibility to Carole and this is her house too. So please, stop moping. Either get over it or call her... but doing nothing is no longer going to be an option." Her words stung because I knew she was right. I nodded slowly, eyes filling. She kissed my cheek and hugged me tight. "You're stronger than this honey." I mustered all my effort to give her what I hoped was a convincing smile of understanding. She winked and left.

What the hell does she know? Get over it. Get over it? Like it's just some switch I can flip and bam! Over it! Not!! I'll never be over 'it'. The best I could hope for would be feeling slightly less shitty about it and I wasn't holding out much hope for that either. No, I'll use this time to figure out a way to get her back. I'd start stalking... looking again, tomorrow.

***

I figure since my roommates will be gone for the week I might as well sleep in their bed. It will be a welcome break from the couch. Yes, I washed the sheets. I'm putting them on right now. I love the smell of clean sheets and when they're still warm out of the dryer. I stood back and looked at the bed; it had been weeks, months since I was in one. It was inviting, it called to me like an old friend... or lover. Lissy! My beautiful baby flashed before my eyes. She is stretched out on the bed, eyes soft and dreamy. Her arms reach out to me. My eyes close and tears fall. Don't fight it, go to her.