Boy Scout

Nick could not understand why he would ask such a strange question. How did the bartender even know that Nick was married? Then, Nick remembered that Linda had surprised him by showing up at one of the hearings and had kissed him after it was over. The bartender must still have been in the courtroom.

"She and I are having some problems," Nick said. He saw no reason to lie or to hide the information.

"Like she's fucking someone else?" Again with the knowing smile. Nick was shocked into silence.

"I'm not an attorney, Don Nicolás, but I do know that if you want to keep a secret, you should not write it down and leave the paper in the open," the bartender said, gesturing to Nick's notepad. It noted the elements of adultery, had doodles showing Dwayne getting stabbed, contained the name "Linda" surrounded by a circle with a slash through it, and had a "to do" list that included the phrase "burn the bitch."

Nick shrugged. Bad operational security, but at least he was not betraying any client confidences.

"Any man in your situation has to ask himself what he wants. What is it that you really want, Señor Nick? What do you most want in the world, not counting the money, if you could choose your revenge?"

Nick did not hesitate.

"I want to punch her in the nose so hard that it breaks. And I want to punch her in the face so hard that I blacken both her eyes. She has a very pretty face and very expressive eyes. I want to destroy that."

The bartender's smile broadened. Then he chuckled while shaking his head.

"You, my friend, are not thinking rationally. People who take violent revenge like that go to prison. You don't want to go to prison. Not unless it is to visit your clients and then leave. Right?

The bartender paused and looked at Nick with sympathy. Nick nodded.

"But perhaps I can be of some assistance. You helped my cousin with her little problem. She could have asked me for help but, for various reasons, she refused to do so. You, however, stepped in and took care of her."

Nick tried to interrupt. Sure, he got Frank to collect the evidence, but he made the police do all the work. It did not hurt when Nick got one of the partners from his firm, a former Assistant United States Attorney from the area, to have a quiet chat with the Commonwealth's Attorney to make sure that the criminal case got the proper handling. Nick only showed up with his client to make sure she got the proper respect from the prosecutors. His client's divorce itself was routine after her husband got convicted in the criminal case.

The bartender waved his protests off.

"You have to understand that helping forgotten people like my cousin is worthy of note just by itself. I am in your debt on behalf of my family. I repay my debts. I think you could use some help."

Nick gazed at him.

"I'm afraid I don't remember your name."

The bartender's smile became a shark-like grin.

"Some call me 'El Diablo.'"

"The Devil?"

The bartender nodded.

"Just the people who do not like me. To my friends, I am Jose Garcia."

Now it was Nick's turn to smile.

"What do I have to do to get a favor from the Devil? Sell my soul?"

El Diablo's smile disappeared. Nick's did, too.

"Be serious. You're a lawyer. You have no soul."

His smile came back, and Nick realized he was joking.

"Call it professional courtesy, Señor Nick. Now, just give me your address, the name of your wife, and tell me what her daily routine is."

"What are you going to do?"

"I have some ideas. But what is that phrase? 'Ignorance is bliss?' I think you need to be blissfully ignorant. And be able to account for your movements for the next several months. Get yourself a burner phone so we can keep in touch and leave the number here at the bar. And then don't come back here again. It's better that way."

Nick told El Diablo about hiring the private investigator, about his plans to be out of the house until Linda left for France, and about Linda's travel plans. El Diablo knew the hotel in Paris but did not say how.

"Just one question, Señor Nick. Is there any chance of reconciliation? Forgiveness? Mercy? I don't want to be hearing about second thoughts later."

El Diablo was looking him directly in the eyes, the smile gone, his expression serious. Nick returned his gaze.

Nick took a deep breath and paused to double-check his emotions. The path was clear. He was a simple guy. Trust and loyalty. Those were his most important values. They were gone from his marriage. Linda had flipped a switch in his brain, and the love was now replaced with hate. In time, with mature reflection, he just would not care. That time was not now.

"None."

El Diablo relaxed.

"Good. Don't worry about a thing."

The waitress came with the bill, El Diablo shooed her away, but allowed Nick to tip her generously. He also let Nick take the tequila bottle, but warned him to slow down. He needed his wits for battle.

Somehow, Nick woke up Sunday morning at a reasonable hour without much of a hangover. He made it to Harry's law office at 10:00 a.m. He found Frank there already.

"Sorry, Nick," said Frank. "She's definitely banging the guy. In your bed. He was there two hours after you called me and was still there when I left this morning. We got very good quality video. I made you a copy, but you might not want to look at it."

Harry interrupted, "You're better off not looking. I don't want you doing anything stupid and getting arrested."

"Don't worry," Nick said as he took the DVD from Frank. "Give me the summary."

"I got up in that treehouse just like you said, and they were all over each other. Got really clear shots of their faces and, frankly, the rest of their bodies. Clearly having sex. For what it's worth, I think it's just a physical thing. They didn't do much talking. The just bang like bunnies. I don't know if that changes your plans."

"No, it doesn't. What did they do?"

"Cowgirl, doggy, reverse-cowgirl. They both had a lot of stamina."

"Thanks. That makes me feel worse."

"Sorry. Anyway, I know Linda personally from that party you had last year, so I can identify her. We ran the guy's license plates: Dwayne Martin. We know he works with her. We don't know how long it's been going on, but it seems to be 'clear and convincing evidence' to me. Oh, and we've got a camera on the front of the house covering the driveway and garage so we can tell when they're coming and going. I'll e-mail you the remote link to the live-stream on our secure server. I talked to Harry and I am going to write a report and supporting affidavit so he can file it. Sorry again, man."

Frank shook hands with both Harry and Nick and left the office.

"So, what do you want to do?" Harry asked.

"File for divorce on the basis of adultery. But don't serve her."

Harry looked at Nick without expression.

"Trust me, Harry."

"When I hear those words, I start to get an upset stomach. I don't want you doing anything stupid here."

"I anticipate that everything is going to go more smoothly than you imagine."

Harry grimaced.

"Look, Harry, just file it on Monday afternoon, right before the clerk's office closes. Let me know the docket number. I'll take care of the rest."

"Just remember, Nick. I don't do criminal law. Not well anyway. If you need to get out of some jam, I am not going to be able to help."

"You're going to be pleasantly surprised," Nick said as he walked out the door.

Nick's next stop was a meeting with Sam Granger. It was a very productive meeting at which Nick learned that they could sell the house for more than $100,000 more than the mortgage, all without real estate agent commissions. Linda would be thrilled! (If she knew.) Nick promised to get back with the proper paperwork as soon as possible to close the deal.

On the way out of Sam's office, Nick looked at his phone. No messages or calls. She must still be banging Dwayne. Nick took the opportunity to call his boss, Sven, and tell him that he needed two weeks off immediately or else he was quitting. Sven immediately panicked because Nick was the only one who knew what was going on with the case and agreed. Fortunately, they were in a slow period in Sven's case, so he could give Nick some slack.

With the groundwork laid, Nick returned to his hotel to get his real work done. By Monday evening, he was ready. Linda had left voice mails Sunday night and Monday night that he had not answered. He was saving all his energy for Tuesday morning.

Thanks to Frank's camera in front of the house, Nick knew that Dwayne had spent Monday night there and, based on Dwayne's stay from Sunday night to Monday morning, that he would probably leave around 8:00 a.m. to go to work. Linda then would leave around 8:30 a.m. So, at 7:00 a.m., Nick came through the front door, calling out, "Honey, I'm home!"

He heard sudden footsteps upstairs, and then Linda came down the stairs in her robe, looking disheveled and shocked.

"Honey, what a surprise!" she said, trying to sound cheerful, but barely keeping it together and just as clearly on the verge of complete panic. "I thought you were out until Friday. You didn't answer my calls."

"Sorry," Nick replied cheerfully. "You know how it gets on the road."

Nick pretended not to notice the wine glasses in the living room and went straight to the dining room. Linda stood in the doorway looking at Nick, trying to figure out her next move and how to keep him from going up the stairs to where Dwayne was obviously hiding. A knock at the door startled her.

"Can you get that, honey?" Nick asked.

In the meantime, he had started putting papers on the dining room table and pretended not to notice how Linda squared her shoulders and went to answer the door, perhaps expecting a process server with divorce papers. Instead it was Maggie, who just came in as Linda opened the door, saying simply, "Hello."

Linda followed curiously as Maggie sat down at the dining room table and opened a case.

"Sorry, hon," Nick said. "But I don't know when I'm coming up for air again, and you know I can't think of you going on an overseas trip without updating powers-of-attorney. You know. Just in case something goes wrong, and we need to deal with some financial or medial emergencies. Oh, and I had a couple of moments over the weekend and got a lead on refinancing the mortgage to a really great rate. Since we are both going to be travelling, I thought this was the only time we might be able to get this done. Sorry for the short notice."

He tried to look apologetic.

"Who's this?" Linda asked, pointing to Maggie, as the artery in her temple stopped throbbing so much.

"I'm Maggie."

"Maggie is a notary," Nick explained.

Linda visibly relaxed. She still had a lover hidden upstairs, but events were not entirely spiraling out of control yet.

"That's my Boy Scout. Always prepared," she said with a grin as she sat down, although her eyes were still alert.

"That's just who I am, hon." He handed Linda a pen and started pushing papers in front of her. "The arrow flags tell you where to sign. Take your time to read them, if you like."

"I trust you," Linda said with a big smile, as she rapidly signed all the papers in front of her. He hoped to God she did because he was screwed otherwise. But he who dares wins, as the saying goes.

As Linda signed each document, Nick arranged them and passed them to Maggie, who lined them up and notarized them.

"Mrs. Buford, do you have a form of photo identification?" Maggie asked.

Linda got up from the table to go find her purse. Maggie and Nick traded a glance, but both had to look down at the table quickly to keep from laughing. Linda brought her driver's license to the table. Maggie took a picture of it with her phone and noted the details in her notarial log. Linda offered coffee, but both Nick and Maggie declined as Maggie finished noting in her ledger the documents that she notarized while Nick rearranged everything into various folders.

Linda's eyes kept looking upstairs, waiting for Nick to try to go there, calculating her next move. Maggie left after putting all her tools away, giving Nick a smile when Linda was not looking. Nick then gave Linda a break by saying that he had to do a teleconference and would go down to his basement office to do it. Linda's shoulders relaxed because she would now have time to get Dwayne out the door and to clean up the evidence of his presence before Nick reemerged from his man-cave. Nick went down to give her the illusion that she was still fooling him. He pretended not to hear the heavy clumps down the steps as Dwayne escaped, or the sound of the garage door opening so that Dwayne's car could pull out. But when he heard the sound of the master bath shower running, Nick collected everything he had, walked out the cellar door, and left in his car without a word to his loving wife.

Two hours later, after a hearty diner breakfast, Nick was in Harry's office. Harry looked shell-shocked.

"So, you're telling me you got your wife to sign a CC-1406 form accepting service of the divorce complaint and waiving all future service of process and notice for any future proceedings?"

"Yes. The properly notarized form is right there." And it was.

"You're also telling me that you got your wife, a seasoned litigator, to sign a Property Settlement Agreement in which she gives you all the proceeds from any sale of your house and the effects therein, the cars, and any jewelry she owns, leaves you with complete discretion for the disposal of her personal effects, and lets both of you walk away with the retirement accounts that each of you possess? Without any alimony payments from you to her?"

"She makes more than I do anyway."

"According to these papers, she has expressed her willingness to walk away from the marriage with just about $125,000 in retirement contributions, plus around $200,000 in undergraduate and law school debt. Correct?"

"She has always had a very generous nature."

Harry narrowed his eyes at Nick and turned back to the papers on his desk.

"And you also got her to sign an affidavit in which she admits to the adultery and even admits that her lover was upstairs in the marital bedroom at the time of the signing of the affidavit and had been there all night after having sex with her the previous evening? You're even telling me that her affidavit authenticates as true and accurate this e-mail string in which she talks about staying with her lover because he makes her wet? That's what you are telling me?"

"Counsel," Nick said, with his face as empty of emotion as he could manage, "the documents speak for themselves."

Harry looked at the documents, looked up at Nick, started to smile, stifled it, and then spun in his chair.

"Fuck it. I'll file all this. You're a respected member of the bar and a friend from law school. How was I to know you made all this shit up? It looked good to me, Your Honor. I'm deeply embarrassed. I was totally taken in by my client's breach of my trust. If anyone should be disbarred, it's Nicholas A. Buford, J.D., Esquire, Your Honor. See where I'm going with this, Nick?"

"Yup."

"If required, this notary will testify that Linda signed all this?"

"Yes, she will."

"Will she testify that Linda reviewed the documents carefully?"

"I would not want to try to anticipate or influence anyone's testimony but, as you say, Linda is an experienced lawyer with a specialty in litigation, so I am sure she gave the documents the attention that she thought they deserved. I am certain that the notary will say she observed Linda Buford look at the documents and sign each one. I cannot otherwise render an opinion about her state of mind as to an understanding of the contents of each document."

"Okay then," said Harry. "I'll file all this today, plus Frank's affidavit and report. Which includes pictures and the DVD. I'll see if I can't keep it off the electronic docket for a while. We don't want this popping up in the news yet, do we?"

"No," Nick said. "Linda's going on her trip to Paris in a bit over two weeks. The longer this is low-key, the better. You know anyone at the Circuit Court?"

"You remember Seth?" Harry asked. "Day student, the year after us? He was having trouble picking up a law firm job, so he's clerking at the Circuit Court now, trying to fluff up his resume. He might be able to expedite things. But if a judge wants to get live testimony, this might all collapse under its own weight. Linda is going to have to decide not to want to fight it for some fraud-on-the-court reason when she figures out what's going on. If this goes bad at that point, I am probably going to have to withdraw as your attorney."

"Fair enough."

"Someday, you can tell me the full story. But I don't want to hear it now."

For the next two weeks, Nick managed to keep Linda at arms-length. He sent her text messages at odd hours telling her how busy he was but otherwise did answer her calls. As the days passed, she called less frequently.

"You scared the shit out of her," Frank told him at the end of the week. "According to our video feed, Dwayne hasn't been over to the house once since you showed up and surprised them on Tuesday morning. Can't tell if they're meeting at his place during the week, or banging each other in the office, but they aren't doing it in the house. I'll tell you if something changes."

The only thing that changed was that Nick had quietly gone back to the house when he knew that Linda was gone and gotten financial papers that he thought he might need. He had also signed a home sale contract with Sam Granger. The sale would close the first week that Linda was in France. Otherwise, Nick went to the gym, did some leisure reading, and wondered how he had gotten to the point of turning 30 with such a mess of a life. He'd told Sven that he needed another several weeks off, which Sven reluctantly granted.

"She's banging him in the house again," Frank said on Saturday, a week before Linda was due to go to Paris.

"Thanks for the heads-up," Nick replied.

He did not really care, but knew that he was going to burn the sheets rather than sell them when he dumped the house. By now Nick had looked at the video Frank had given him the first time. He could see the attraction. Dwayne was a couple of years younger, and Frank's investigation revealed the guy was a gym rat, always flexing in front of the mirror after he did his weight workouts. Other than that, he was unremarkable. By comparison, Nick was in decent shape but certainly did not have a washboard stomach. Apparently, Linda was looking for arm-candy. That kind of superficiality Nick could do without.

Before Nick knew it, Linda had departed on her long-anticipated Paris trip. One of Frank's people tailed her to the airport and waited until the plane was wheels-up en route to Europe. On getting the word, Nick went to the house, piled all of Linda's clothes in a pile in the living room and packed everything that he wanted to keep. The movers came the next day, boxed up Linda's clothes, and sent them to a storage facility. They separately packed Nick's things and moved them to an apartment he had found. Thanks to Sam Granger, the handy house-flipper, Nick was able to sell the furniture easily.

When the house was finally empty, Nick took one last walk around before doing his last task. He had carefully assembled the wedding photos and album as well as Linda's bridal gown. He took them down to the fire pit on the patio that was just under the tree house, carefully put the photos and album in the pit on top of the charcoal, added the gown and some lighter fluid, and lit the match. After it all burned, Nick was pleased to see that the video really provided a lot of detail. You could even see the detail on each photo as it was added to the pit.