Bradi 01

Which, again, that whole damn paragraph sounds bad and might be one of the reasons that it took you guys so long to make time for me, tee he, right?

But I had to move on.

[A soft, meek and skittish knocking at the door]

"(Grunt)"

"Hi, Iceman. And okay, I'll come inside. And I won't stay long because I have no intentions of being here when your Friday night gamer dude buds show up, so."

[Side slips and slides inside of the apartment because waiting for an invitation is overrated]

"(Grunt, ump.)"

"Okay, I'll start. I'm here for just one reason, Iceman and as I just said, I won't stay long, but you saw what you saw a few weeks ago when I was chit chatting with Cooper my way and that's already in the history books, so, knowing that you've always hated my lifestyle choices, I thought it would be fair to give you a chance to respond to me directly to my face and my adorable dimples. And tee he, while I'm here, Iceman, I feel obligated to say [pats not yet, but growing fat belly] that you're going to get fat if you don't change your game day snacking habits [pats it again and moves on] and I'm coming back later with some healthy food, so anyways, you saw what you saw and I'm prepared to hear how you're going to blame me for everything, so?"

[Walks to freezer to check out snack types because waiting to be scolded for getting caught is overrated]

"(Grunt! And grunt! Ump.)"

Tee he, see folks? It's all my fault. I was the only one puckering my lips and letting my arms squirm all about as I maxed out my chit chatting with Cooper.

"Oh, I'll ignore the frozen cheese sticks for now, Iceman, but the buttery bread sticks [slips a dainty hand under nerd t-shirt and pats away at the soon to be fat belly] will catch up with you quick. And what you saw was my max, Iceman, I was maxed out with the Cooper. Maxed out, I say, Iceman, that was my max, got it?"

LOL, Cooper, on the other hand, was not quite maxed out until he maxed himself out, so, um, moving on then, folks.

"(Grunt-grunt-grunt!)"

See, folks? Just like I already told you. It's still all my fault. I had Cooper captured with arms and legs rope and I tortured him with my mouth! Um, mouth to mouth, that is given how I've already said that I'm just a waste of time tease and all, so, lips to lips. And a bit of neck.

"(Grr, grunt, grr, grunt!)"

"Oh, that's a compliment, Iceman, but you didn't have to lurk gawk stare as long as you did, so that's on you! But if you snapped off a photo or two of my missing pocket booty while I was chit chatting with Cooper, um, you can send that to me. Or post it. And the frozen egg rolls might be tasty and easy to heat up, but fat, fat, fat [slips hand under nerd t-shirt and pats the soon to be fat belly] is in your future, Iceman."

"(Grunt-grunt!)"

"Go it, no more talking about my booty with the straight8 Iceman, since it's a boy booty, got it. So?"

"(Grunt! Ump, grumble, argh)"

[Whoop, incoming photo text]

"[Reviews attached photo] oh, tee he, hah! You would so hit that because that's a hittable booty, Iceman! Anyways (glances down at pocketless booty photo one more time), Iceman, is Cooper just up that set of stairs, hmm? I mean, he may have something to grunt about too since we both maxed out a couple of weeks, hmm? Is that how this apartment thing works? Cooper might be just up those steps taking a nap in just his boxers before the gamer dudes show up, is that it, Iceman, hmm?"

"(Grunt, grunt-grunt!)"

"Oh, well then, the old towel on the bedroom doorknob then, um, well, I said I wouldn't stay long and I definitely want to be out of here before your other gamer buds show up, so, damn, that's disappointing, but that is as they say that. Anyways, maybe I'll see you at switchgrass bonfire tomorrow tonight then, right, Iceman? And those bags of pre popped popcorn are good, well, better, so, keep those bowls full with the much healthier pre popped popcorn, got it, Paul?"

"(Grunt! Grunt, grunt, grunt, grunt!)"

"OMG, Iceman, I'm not concentrating on the pre popped popcorn because I'm so proud that the Cooper popped off before we released our lips grip of death! It was still my max and nobody was naked! And nobody has been naked with me, so, let's move on, okay?"

"(Grunt-grunt-grunt, GRUNT!)"

"OMG, Paul, you know as well as anyone that that's how gym showers work! So, let's leap frog forward and beyond graduation, okay?"

"(OMG, grunt, grunt!)"

"Oh, tee he, that did happen, didn't it? Okay, let's leap frog over graduation and then leap frog six more weeks over a couple of graduation parties and we'll leap frog forget all about that pool party! Well, we should forget about the changing hut incident anyways, so?"

"(Whimper grunt-grunt, patch, grr.)"

"Oh, so, the straight8 guy who just clearly said that my booty is off of the table as an ice breaker, but a pirate, huh, with an eye patch opposite of my missing booty pocket, huh, that seems well inside of my max line, so, huh, I'll see you later tomorrow night at the switchgrass festival bonfire, Iceman and no matter how you go all "argh, argh, argh" will never be mentioned, so, um, seriously, there was a towel on his doorknob when you walked past the bedroom of Cooper?"

"(Ooh, grr, grunt, pouts)"

Well, that was disappointing! I mean, a small towel on the doorknob of a mancave apartment is pretty universal, right? And I'm glad Iceman told me that in grunt language before I barged in, right? But it was also somewhat of a relief since I really don't know what's on the other side of my max line. I mean, I understand the mechanics and all, but you can't do what the Romans do until you at least go to Rome, right? Also, damn, I have some nerve and I should have peeked, but I calmly retreated. Out of the door because a towel on the doorknob! And just weeks before my max line was coming unhinged.

[Twists, swoosh, flings the door open and trots out, straight into gamer dude Victor]

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Bradi, what's the rush? And it's mandatory these days that you, tee he, that you prove that all of your shorts have one missing pocket, so, give me a twirl, Bradi."

Well, everything has its price, right?

"Damn, you should start using my home gym, Bradi."

Oh, oh, a home gym is the dream because it's not easy sometimes in the public gyms that I use, but a private home gym would also come with a price, right?

"Nice try, Victor, but maybe one day. Anyways, stay away from the frozen garlic toast and ta, ta then since I have more errands to run, so, ta, ta."

"Tee he, are you calling me fat, Bradi?"

[Nobody gave Victor permission to lift his shirt for a peek, but asking permission is overrated]

"Victor, I'm just saying that come 25 or so, you might think back to this very moment. I'm also saying that I'm out of here. And I might be saying that I'm never coming back here! But I'm not saying that the Cooper has towel laundry to take care of, the end, so, ta, ta, Victor."

"Oh, I mean, can you not say all that after you serve us our gaming snacks, Bradi? I mean, just with the way you handle things, I mean, everything will be healthier and you wouldn't want to be responsible for all this to become overgrown, right?"

[Again, nobody gave gamer dude Victor permission to lift his shirt again, but, whoop, there it was and not all that overrated. Yet. I mean, come 25, right?]

Nope! I am not a server. Anymore because that's worse than using a public gym! Sometimes. I mean, serve one time, right? One time! Ahem, moving on.

"Well, whoa again, Bradi because I have a proposal for you and it's totally legit and, and, and I did bring you a tasty green, white, gray Twirled Frozen Whip two weeks ago and it doesn't matter that I supposed to bring you a red, blue, red Whippy Frozen Swirl because I tried and put in the effort, so?"

Huh, that's just a little déjà vu, right? A legit proposal, so, how could I resist that, am I right, folks?

And well, other than gray streak of flavor, they tasted about the same, so.

[Crosses arms across dress shirt fitted hoodie and stares back]

"Speak, Victor, but this totally "legit" proposal had better not start out with me changing my moniker on Chang to Strawberry Fields for two hours while serving you overgrown nerds because I've maxed out my usage of fake monikers on Chang, so?"

[Huh? Victor hung his head and slumped away towards the game apartment]

Well, he still held his shirt up, so.

[Weep, incoming text]

"Were U here, Bradi?"

[Whoop, outgoing response]

"No, frat boy, I wasn't."

[Weep, incoming]

"So, everyone is lying, Bradi?"

[Whoop, a screw U response]

"Yep! Do Ur doorknob laundry, frat boy!"

[Weep, what incoming text]

"Come back, I'm horny."

[Weep, auto correct text]

"*hungry*"

[Whoop, a "getting in the last word" outgoing text]

"I was almost at Ur bedroom door, Mr. Argh, Argh, Argh!"

[Weep, I'm a guy response text]

"R U sure it wasn't Mr. Fap, Fap, Fap that U heard, Bradi?"

Well, there should be a different color or style of doorknob towel for that [scribbles that on the mission statement] since it's been written somewhere. And I already called "the last word" thing just above, so, Cooper was immediately in the rearview. Like I was in Hot Rod's rearview since he peeled out on me earlier.

[Toot, incoming text]

"I'm sexy hot 2mrrow night at bonfire, Bradi! And I used a big hammer (sorry pouty lips emoji)."

[Whoop, an outgoing response text]

"No hurry on my grocery list, Kayla. It's overrated."

[Toot, a "actually working for that paper is overrated anyways" response]

"Oh, OK, we change subjects. C U on the Strip 2night!"

[Whoop, an outgoing "big hammer" response text]

"Big hammer = U owe me a red, blue, red Whippy Frozen Swirl, Kaley."

[Toot, broke as a joke response text]

"OK. U have an account there too?"

I mean, duh.

[The Whippy Frozen Swirl Shop door chime jingle, jangle]

"Hah! I knew it! Kaley texted in a red, blue, red Whippy Frozen Swirl for you on your account, didn't she, Bradi? Also, since we're both on the rebound, Bradi, we can snuggle up tomorrow night at the switchgrass festival bonfire and I'll do my best to give you the best rebound girlfriend experience that I remember how, so?"

[Slides the freshly made red, blue, red Whippy Frozen Swirl across the counter top, slurp, slurp]

"[Slurp, slurp] DeeDee Doo, I'm in no way on the rebound! And since you've been on the rebound since, um, since a while now [slurp, slurp], if you want me to let Gregory know that you'll be around later [slurp, slurp], I mean, I can do that [slurp, slurp], so?"

"Hah! What would a nerd want with a goth wannabee like me, hmm? I mean, does he even put his controller down? And then does he ever stop gaming? But since I've been on the rebound for two years, I mean, you could tell him that I close the shop up at, um, well, whenever he pulls in front of the shop, I guess, so?"

[A blank stare, slurp, slurp, slurp]

"And I almost believe you, Bradi, when you say that you're not on the rebound because who would dump someone who can suck a freshly made Whippy Frozen Swirl through the straw right from the get go is bedroom boyfriend material, so?"

[Slurp, ahh, slurp, ahh, slurp, ahh]

Well, I've been sucking the frozen tasty treats for long enough to have figured out how to suck a straw full right from the start. Hmm, huh!

"[Slurp, slurp] circling back then, DeeDee Doo, why did you even say that I was on the rebound in the first place, huh [a big, big slurping suck through the straw]?"

"(Damn, I can do that! Call that damn nerd Gregory now!) Oh, I mean, those stupid nerds post about everything, including how some people don't know the difference between a sex white hand towel and a fapping blue hand towel and since we're both on the rebound, Bradi..."

[Scribbles updates mission statement with color coded doorknob towel announcement system]

"And I have a legit offer for you, Bradi and it goes like..."

Woo, woo, déjà vu, again! But her full breasts help when it comes to hearing another foolproof and totally legit idea, right?

"You can join Gregory and I in the bed, Bradi, because I'm a legit freak and you can be my man's personal tube of lube..."

[The Whippy Frozen Swirl Shop door chime jingle, jangles off the hinges as the slaps Bradi on the butt on the way out]

Well, DeeDee Doo has also been known as Double DeeDee Doo before, so, exit stage left, right? And Gregory and I go way back, so, nope! But my money is on DeeDee Doo doesn't make her bed every morning. I mean, just for something to say.

[Bump, but no splash since a fresh Whippy Frozen Swirl is too thick to splash right from the get go]

[Even though Bradi manages to suck it through the straw and still claim there is a max line]

[Somebody is lying!]

"Iceman!"

[Huh, the Iceman had a change of heart then?]

"Screw it, Bradi, sneak into place later and be my towel on the bedroom door! Fall into a night of great rebound sex with me, Bradi!"

"[Gulp] [I mean, slurp] Iceman, you're talking crazy! And you're crazy bumping me in public right here on the Strip!"

[The Iceman gets a grip because he was thinking with his other head for a minute]

"[Gulp, slurp] well, that's a firm grip you have on my booty, Iceman, for a guy who has shame grunted me for like ever and made me vow to never talk about my booty to you, so?"

"Bradi, shut it and sneak into my apartment tonight and I'll put a red hand wash towel on my bedroom doorknob and we'll rebound the night away, so?"

Well, what the hell, people? Whatever happened to tricking someone into crossing over their max line and squinting their as they were fooled into finally max kissing a dick, huh? White a beige towel on the doorknob! I mean, now it's straight to "let me catch you making the bed in just your undies" with a red towel right from that kind of get go, hmm?

Which is something you may never know because I already planned the next chapter starting the next day at the "Mow the Switchgrass" festival, so.

End Bradi 01