Build a Little Stronger

"You'll have to talk Sarah into telling you all about how obvious she had to make it she was interested in being more than friends before Ray finally got the message. It makes for a good story, and she tells it well. Then they'll gaze at each other adoringly which is a treat in itself - they're unbelievably sweet together."

They talked for a long time, there was a second round of drinks. As the conversation meandered along they began smoothing out some of the awkward edges which had built up during their long years apart. They rediscovered the tricks and pathways of that ease of intimacy they had once shared, and found to their delight that it was pretty much all still there beneath the surface, waiting to be dusted off and put back into use.

Each found that the experiences they had accumulated separately, far from dividing them, seemed only to give them more to talk about. More to share with each other now that they were finally back in the same place again with enough time.

*****

Lynne went out and fetched her things from the van and took them up to her room. Jen had made up the same bedroom for her that she'd had the last time so she knew the way. The door was on the right at the top of the stairs, next to the room Jen's mother and father had shared and which was now Ray's.

She had barely spent any time in her room back then of course. It had been a place to keep her bag and to put on her night clothes, before creeping off to Jen's room to take them off again and share her bed. Everybody had surely known as much of course, even little scandalised Grace. Nonetheless Lynne had played her part to help maintain the facade, though it was difficult to say for whose benefit, maybe Jennie's.

Despite this, while she was unpacking her things, something perhaps in the slightly musty scent of the place, or maybe the quality of the light, maybe even in the shape of the room around her, bridged the distance between past and present in her mind and she was briefly thrown back into her younger self again. It was a strange and powerful sensation, the mirror image of a deja vu.

Wanting to write something down, a trigger for her memory to make sure she recalled it properly later, Lynne realised she had left her diary at home. She swore aloud under her breath - she'd become a compulsive diarist in the last couple of years and would miss having it with her for the next few days.

The habit stemmed from all of the little inconsequentialities she had used to save up to share with Carol. The kind of things they had traded by text message as they happened, or when they came back to mind during their evenings together or in bed at night. After Carol had died Lynne had found herself still saving them up, and even compelled to write the occasional email, sending them off to the familiar address, pretending that her wife was still there to read them. But a few months down the line when she was still doing it, even she could tell this wasn't a healthy development, that it was never going to help her to come to terms with her loss.

It was so hard to find what to do with all the loose ends like this though. Carol had been the second part of her for more than half her life, and suddenly all these trains of thought didn't lead back to anyone any more. She was adrift, her anchor gone.

*****

They had met while she was still far from over Jennie. The recent separation was still so raw and painful that received wisdom dictated very clearly it should never have worked out. But Carol had been quite certain what she had wanted and spent their first year together tolerant, even accepting, of the shadow of the third woman, the ghost in their home.

It had helped a lot that she and Jennie could hardly have been more different from each other. Jennie had been thin, nervous, and academic. Her terror at the thought of coming out had been a cause of friction throughout their time together. Not so much for Lynne really, she could have waited as long as it took, but for Jennie it was a personal failing. Watching her tear herself up about it over and over again just became too much in the end.

Carol by contrast was a brash extroverted party goer and as out as could be. She had been one of the smart forward thinking clan of brave boisterous girls, always occupying the public spaces of their red brick university with their leftfield post punk makeup and their short hair or dyed peroxide curls. When she wasn't out living life large, or hanging around showing herself off, she was a surprisingly dedicated student in the engineering department.

Lynne had something to complement each of them in her own character. She was self assured and largely unconcerned by the opinions of others but didn't need a flag to wave either. Her parents had barely reacted when she had come out to them and maybe that had left her with little to rebel against or be frightened of. Whatever the reasons the end effect was that, despite the differences in temperament between her girlfriends, she, somewhere between them, had not felt pulled too far out of her natural shape by either of these two major relationships.

The sex couldn't have been more different between the two either, and that did send her from one extreme to another. With Jennie making love had always been gentle, slow, and devotional, with every tiny moment cherished, savoured, and appreciated. With Carol fucking was vigorous and playful, fast and splendid. Maybe it was this novelty or maybe the enthusiasm of a new relationship but Lynne and Carol had dedicated themselves single mindedly to each other's bodies for their first year or so. As if they were in a race to fit in as much sex as possible before the supply ran out.

As time went on they had slowed the pace a little of course. Anyone who tries to tell you that doesn't tend to happen (especially with kids in the house) is a liar. But they perfected the ways they knew to please each other and sex remained a pivotal part of their relationship, the physical expression and continuing reaffirmation of their love.

Not to suggest that all of the lives they had shared had been perfect. They had moments of friction over the years just like anybody else. Notably an experimental threesome had provided the variety and stimulation they had wanted for the night, but then its aftermath had left both of them paranoid and scared for weeks. They had managed to talk things through eventually, but each of their fear that they might somehow no longer have been enough for the other had come disturbingly close to breaking them. In agreement that it had been a mistake they had never done it again.

Carol had been great with the kids, awful with money, easygoing, forgetful, infectiously hilarious and occasionally aggravating. She had been the counterbalance to Lynne's own life, and then she'd gone and been selfish enough to die first. Lynne missed her terribly and would have given anything to talk to her again.

*****

So instead she had bought a diary and started writing all the special things down. Fundamentally she had been aware that part of her was using this layer of abstraction to disguise the fact that she was still writing updates to her wife. But it was better now than it had used to be and, as time passed, the process had become more about herself and less about Carol. Maybe, she thought, that was how it had to be for some people, a gradual process of letting go.

Not having the diary for the next few days would be a frustration but she could still make notes and consign them to the permanent record when she returned home. And the funny thing was, that when she thought about it, it hadn't been Carol she had want to run off and tell about this particular thing anyway - it had been Jen. So perhaps she wouldn't need to write it down after all. For now, hearing voices downstairs, she abandoned her train of thought unfinished, and her case still half unpacked, as she went to meet the new arrivals.

Afternoon

Turning through the yard, on their way up to the cottage to drop the Mini back off, the headlights swung around and the girls spotted the camper parked by the house.

"Jen's mysterious university friend made it then." said Ray, "Nice van too, although surely she's not planning to sleep in it while she's here. That couldn't be fun in the winter."

"She isn't." Sarah confirmed, "She's got the room next to ours. I didn't even know Jen had been to uni until yesterday by the way. Somehow I hadn't taken her for the sort, she's seems like such a natural fit here. What did she study?"

"English Language, same as Mum actually. Jen came back with a 2.1 which seems to be fairly normal, and a pair of twins which is definitely non-standard. Mum never came back at all of course."

*****

They'd had a great afternoon out taking in the spectacle of the bustling industrious quirky little town. Glastonbury produces a better class of street entertainment than most places and although it was cold it was sunny and dry, so that had brought them out. It's probably also safe to say you could find a wider variety of oddities and objets d'art in Glastonbury than in most towns of a similar size. Ray and Sarah had picked their way through some of the more colourful shops in the town centre to see what they could find.

In spite of this abundance (or maybe because of it, too much choice can get confusing) neither had found a great deal to buy. Then again that hadn't really been the point and they'd made their fun showing off various favorite discoveries to each other. At one market stall though Sarah's eye had been drawn to a rack of loose-fitting drawstring cotton trousers and she'd bought a couple of the striped, brightly coloured pairs for wearing around the house.

When they had finished exploring they had made their trip to the supermarket (confounding Jen's expectations), and after sharing a cup of hot spiced cider from another stall on the high street they had dropped their shopping off at the car, walked out of town past the abbey, and climbed the path up the tor.

Reaching the top a little out of breath, because it's a steep walk however fit you are, they had leant against the tower facing west and looked out over the miles of patchwork fields. Unusually there was an east wind so despite their elevation they were quite well sheltered by the wall to their backs. Bundled up in coats and scarves, wearing one glove each and with their other hands clasped snugly in one of Sarah's pockets, they had watched the sun set.

"People talk a lot of rubbish about this place but for some reason nobody ever seems to mention the amazing view." said Ray, "It's as if you can see the whole county from here. Look at it all."

The Somerset Levels were stretched out in front of them. The landscape still green and lush even in the heart of the winter. The last rays of the sun were stretching the dark shadows of the hedges and trees over the land. A few of the fields were filled by flooding from the recent heavy rain and shone bronze in the fading light.

"This is my home now." Ray went on, unusually introspective, "It's where I would say that I come from, the things that make me myself you know. Childhood was a different world, like a little box. Then I came here and I had all these opportunities to learn and change just there for the taking. Auntie Jen did so much for me. Looking back I'm not sure I really appreciated at the time how hard she had to work to make everything seem so easy."

"She's very proud of you, you know, of all her children because that's how she thinks of you as much as she does the boys." Sarah had nestled in closer, "And I'm so grateful to her for looking after you until I found you again. Home for me now will always be wherever you are."

Ray had been moved by these last words. They carried an echo of decisions she had made during the very early days, before she had even known that she was falling in love with Sarah. A swell of deep flowing emotion welled up and as it passed through her it left her overawed that life had somehow provided her with the privilege of standing here with this wonderful woman beside her. At a loss for how to express her feelings in words, she had instead leant down to meet Sarah's lips and kiss her. Trying to speak of herself more directly than her voice could allow.

They had made their way back down in the dark with the heavy evening dew already falling. The path was slippery and they had used the light from their phones as best they could to guide their feet and keep their balance until they reached the road. Staying hand in hand hadn't necessarily helped make them more stable. If one of them had fallen then the other would probably have been pulled down as well, but at least they would both have fallen together. And in the event they managed to stay upright all the way.

*****

Now having dropped Julie's car off at the cottage they were walking down the path back to the house.

"From what Jen says Lynne has been going through a bit of a rough patch since her wife died last year, but how could she not be." said Ray.

"They bumped into each other online back in the summer I think. Jen's been talking about her quite a lot since then. Lynne this, Lynne that, so I suppose they've been staying in contact. And they met up briefly a couple of months ago, somewhere up near Derby I think.

"Then when she found out Lynne was going to be alone at Christmas she invited her down to spend it at the farm with us. Jen does tend to find shelter for the occasional waif or stray I suppose."

Sarah smiled secretly to herself and tightened her hold on Ray's arm slightly, "That does sound a bit familiar, maybe it runs in the family. It's always nice to get back in touch with friends anyway, you never know what might happen. And come to think of it both of them are single too."

"Yes but Jen's not gay."

"If you say so."

Ray stopped in her tracks but Sarah kept moving. She broke away from her girlfriend and as she reached the farmhouse she spun to face Ray putting her back to the door. Staring at her deliberately she looked through lowered eyes and grinned.

"Sarah, what are you going on about? Hang on..."

But before Ray could get any further Sarah had turned again and opening the door she disappeared into the kitchen.

Early Evening

In the kitchen Jen had been in a daze. Lynne was after all right there in her house melting a hole through the universe like an emotional event horizon. This felt very different to her than when they had met up back in November. That had been on more or less neutral territory where they had both fitted equally well.

Here the other woman seemed somehow more obviously herself, standing out from the background of the mundane surroundings, as if she had been painted on more vividly, or even by a different artist. And yet, Jen thought, she was so familiar too in a thousand ways. Like the way she sat leaning forward as if ready to pounce on the conversation. The way every other sentence seemed to be a question. Like the nearly invisible turn at the corner of her mouth which signalled that she was finding something a little funny and hoped you were getting the joke too.

Jen was rediscovering how profoundly attractive she found Lynne, both physically and mentally. She was finding that across the span of more than two decades some dormant part of her was coming back to life, like a desert coming back into bloom after long years without rain. It was sending her pulse racing and and starting a slow roiling warmth deep inside her.

The problem was she was starting to feel rather as if she had invited the other woman down under false pretences. In fact this was being completely unfair on herself. Jen was by nature generous and loyal, and her first instinct on having heard that Lynne would be alone had been to offer her what she could so easily give. There had been nothing complicated or calculating in the decision.

But still, the attraction was there now and seriously making its presence felt. She had been finding it hard to keep herself from smiling. There was no denying her growing desire and, unreasonable though this was, it was making Jen feel as if she had all along been cynically plotting the seduction of a woman who was still grieving the loss of her wife. It was jarring with her understanding of her own morality.

*****

"Get a fucking grip Jennifer." she muttered under her breath as she stalked the kitchen doing the preparatory work for dinner.

She heard Sarah and Ray's voices in the yard outside only seconds before Sarah whirled through the door laughing. Jen looked up amused, the two of them always seemed to have something to be happy about.

"Come on, what's so funny then?"

Sarah grinned at her, "Oh just winding Ray up, she makes it too easy to resist sometimes."

Ray burst through the door behind her in a rush. Her gaze sought Sarah out and she opened her mouth to speak, but catching sight of Jen out of the corner of her eye she abruptly shelved that plan. Instead she brandished the shopping bags she held in one hand. "Where do you want these? Shall we help put them away?"

They were part way through unpacking everything into the fridge and the cupboards when Sarah noticed that Lynne had quietly joined them. She had glanced over to the doorway which led out of the kitchen and deeper into the house and the woman had been leaning there, looking into the room. Lynne was even taller than Ray although with curly light brown hair and not so thin. She was filled out and rounded in a manner that suggested sedentary work and a healthy appetite. Sarah noticed that despite there being three of them in the kitchen, and two of them new faces as well, Lynne's eyes were definitely chasing Jen around. She abandoned the work (really, she thought, it wasn't as if she knew where anything was supposed to go anyway) and walked over.

"Hello I'm Sarah, you must be Lynne. How are you?"

"Yup that's me. Feeling a bit out of place here actually, crashing in on you and all."

"Oh don't worry about that. I'm nearly the same - not family either."

Lynne cocked her head as she considered this, "From what I've heard I'm not sure you'd find many around here who would take that point of view. Thanks for the solidarity though, it's appreciated."

Sarah grinned and shrugged, "It was worth a try. And maybe another way of looking at it is that old friends are really just the same as family, don't you think?" Come and meet Ray, you'll like her, though I'll admit to being a little biased."

"Ray," she said more loudly, "Come and say hi to Lynne."

Ray stepped over slinging an arm around Sarah as she arrived, "Hi Lynne."

For Lynne it was as if she was looking directly into the past. "Hello Ray. I hope I'm not saying something I shouldn't but bloody hell you're the image of Grace."

Jen stopped what she was doing when she heard this and looked on curiously from where she stood at the other side of the kitchen table. She hadn't really considered that this was the kind of direction the conversation might take. Ray took it in her stride though.

"No, that's fine. Auntie Jen says the same thing. I didn't realise you knew my mother though."

"Met her right here in this house actually. We didn't really get on." Lynne glanced over a Jen, choosing her next words with care, "I think she thought I was leading Jennie here away from the paths of righteousness."

Ray gave a quick bark of laughter, more in recognition than amusement, "That sounds like Mum. In fact I can pretty much hear it in her voice. You know things are a bit strange there right? We're not really in touch with them."

"Jennie explained some of it, and I'm nosey so I did my googling. You've not thought about giving it a try?"

Ray glanced sideways at her girlfriend cautiously, "We've talked about it."