Bureau de Change

[Bedtime Stories number 3]

Are there some secrets you just can't confess?

I reread the last letter and put it on the top of the pile. Twenty-two love letters written to my father over thirty years ago by a woman who was not my mother. They started friendly, a bit formal even, in the early days of their illicit relationship. But after he'd fucked her, they were full of her passion for him, then later her worry for the child he'd made her pregnant with, and finally her despair when he abandoned her to stay with my mother. I could see from the dates on the letters this other woman was pregnant at the same time as my mother was carrying me. Tricky Dicky was living up to his nickname.

"You were a cunt, Dad. A fucking cunt. But you always knew that, didn't you?" My words bounced off the walls of his living room as I waited for his ghost to answer. He'd been dead a week, so his spectral self must be up and around. Although it would be ironic if the man who was missing from so much of my life should be present in his afterlife.

I remembered our last phone call and how I'd phoned the hospice afterwards just to check he was there and not pulling some stunt. Tricky Dicky had form. Why should he not lie about his death?

I went to see him before the end. The strapping six-foot four man, with a shock of black hair and handsome looks that led his dick into trouble, had been reduced by cancer to a thin, bald, dried up husk. All I could think as I looked at him was Gollum's big brother. He was genuinely happy to see me. Cried even.

"Thank you for coming, son. I wanted to do something for you before I check out. I want to leave you the house and contents. Do what you like with it. Sell it and buy somewhere that will give you happier memories. My solicitor's details are on this card. You just have to agree to be my executor. I don't think your mum would want to do it." The effort of holding the card out to me was making his hand tremble, and I took it before he dropped it. He smiled. "Must be worth at least half a million even in the state it's in. I wish my dad had given me such a present."

I stared hard. "Thanks. But I'd trade it all to have had a father that was there when mum and I needed him. But that was a gift you were not prepared to give us. A last act of contrition does not wipe your slate clean, Dad."

He started crying, and I let him go until the sobbing got louder and ended in a hacking cough. I pulled a tissue from the box on his bedside cabinet. "Here you are, and wipe that snot bubble. It makes you look like a baby."

We made small talk, and I nodded as he wittered on remembering family outings; good times I had no memory of. I wondered if the cancer had reached his brain. But we are all heroes of our own story, aren't we? If the facts don't fit, we just ignore them. In the end, I shook his hand and kissed him on his clammy forehead and left. We both knew we would not meet again.

So, here I was, two weeks later, sitting at his desk and taking care of business. A few last bequests sorted, and I was looking down my nose at the remains of his life, wondering if there was anything I would want to keep as a reminder of the man who walked out when I was eight.

I blame it on those antique programmes that fill day time TV. Why else would I have checked the joints and underside of the drawers to confirm the writing bureau was a genuine antique and not a reproduction? Then I was off, looking for secret compartments, and I found two. One with bank account details, including confirmation he'd closed it ten years ago. The other containing 22 love letters. The bastard had pulled his last stroke, leaving me with the problem of what to do with them.

My initial thought was to burn them. They should go up in flames along with his body. But then I saw the heartbreak and distress of the other woman, and I thought I owed her something. Closure is too American a term for me. Perhaps an understanding. I wanted her to know he was a lousy father, and she was better off without him in her life. I told myself it was for her benefit; it was just a bonus it was another way to punish him. I put the letters in my messenger bag and took a last look around the place. I'd put it on with the estate agent next week. They'd advised me to clear the house first, but I'd get around to that. I just wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. I pulled the front door closed. I would not be coming back.

I'd been busy catching up on work I'd let slide while I'd dealt with Richard's funeral and aftermath. Freelance graphic designers don't get compassionate leave, so I'd pulled a couple of all-nighters to get back on track. The letters were forgotten, and I stumbled across them a couple of days later as I searched for something else in my bag, and thought my idea of contacting the writer after thirty-seven years was ridiculous. They were saved by my faulty shredder. I tried the first one but as usual the machine was gummed up so I took it out of its envelope to make it easier. That reminded me of the address, and curiosity made me Google it and bring up a street view. The houses surrounding the 1930s semi showed evidence of recent renovation, but the one I was interested in seemed untouched since the 1980s. Could the writer still be living there? I checked one of the property web sites, which showed no sales activity on the property in the last twenty years. Invested now, I checked the electoral register which showed the same female name for almost forty years. I could not throw the letters away when they could be the property of June Watson.

I had no phone number for the house; besides, it was the sort of thing you had to deal with face to face. I would go to the house and say who I was and offer to return some correspondence she might have written. I would leave it to her to decide what to do with them.

***

The following day I stood on the doorstep visualizing a grey-haired lady not too dissimilar from my mother. I was surprised when the door opened.

"Hello can I help you?" The brown-haired woman looked to be in her mid-thirties, although I'm lousy with women's ages. She was slim and had an attractive face, were it not currently screwed up watching a strange man with suspicion.

"I'm sorry I was expecting June Watson. This is her house, isn't it?" I hoped my weak smile did not make me look like a salesman or a Jehovah's Witness.

"My mother died six months ago. What is your business with her?" She tensed up.

I realized how stupid my idea was. "I'm sorry to hear that. You have my condolences. It's just that I er... I bought a bureau at a house clearance sale and I found some letters your mother had written in a secret compartment. I wanted to give them back to her and tell her the person she wrote to was also recently deceased." She gave me an odd look. "Sorry, I sound like a lunatic. Sorry to have bothered you, I'll be off." I turned on the path.

"No, you won't!" Her hand on my shoulder was firm, and she turned me round. She was closer than I expected and we collided. I reached out to stop her from tripping and ended up with my hands on her hips, face to face. She gasped. I could not find words. Physical contact had caught us unawares and heightened our reactions at being in close proximity. I had not had a girlfriend since Holly left three years ago, so the entire experience was strange.

I met her gaze and my mouth worked again. "The letters are of an intimate nature. You won't want to think of your mother differently." If there were better words, I could not find them.

Her eyes opened wide. "Who the hell are you are? And let go of me. I demand you give me those letters." She pushed my hands off her hips and held her hand out for me to hand them over.

I opened my messenger bag. "Can I just ask you one thing? Do you have an older sister?"

In that moment, the implications of what I said registered and her legs gave way. I caught her in time, my hands around her waist and her one arm around my neck. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to shock you. Can I help you inside? I'll explain everything I know."

She nodded and allowed me to lead her into the kitchen and sit her at the table. She started crying. "I always knew, but mum never explained. She would not tell me what she and dad argued about and why she did not make more of a fuss when he left. Said I was a kid and would not understand. She avoided the conversation for the rest of her life." She dabbed her eyes with a tissue.

"I'm sorry to have distressed you, Ms..." I took her hand. There was a sensation about touching this woman I could not explain.

"Good god. You don't even know my name. I'm Catherine Watson, June's only daughter." She looked down at her hand in mine but did not remove it. Did she have the same feeling?

"I'm Lawrence Matthews. Like I said, I came across you mothers' letters in an old bureau I bought at an auction and thought she might want them back. It's not the sort of thing you can say over the phone. I'd be suspicious if someone contacted me with such a story."

"Can I see the letters?" Catherine asked?

I pulled the packed out of my bag and offered her the first one.

Her hand went to her mouth. "Oh, my god. That is mum's handwriting. The date on the franking says November 1981. Why is she writing to a post office box?"

"Ms. Watson, the man she wrote to, was married. I think he took precautions not to have letters turn up at his home." I could not look her in the eye.

"Have you read them all, Lawrence?" She felt the weight of the correspondence.

"They broke my heart, Catherine. Save yourself the pain. Let me take them with me. Pretend the last fifteen minutes never happened." I went to get up, but she gripped my hand.

"No, you don't. Mum's dead but her story's not over. I've had this stuck feeling ever since she passed. I have to know so I can move on."

"Okay, Catherine. That is your right." I got up to leave.

"Lawrence, can I take your number? I may want to speak to someone about this. I don't think I can face the rest of the family."

"Off course." I took her phone and dialed mine. It buzzed in my pocket. She smiled.

This time she let me stand. "It was a very considerate thing you did. Let me thank you on behalf of my mother." She stood and shook my hand. But then she leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.

I felt myself redden. She saw me to the door and waved me goodbye. I dreaded turning around as a reached the corner, in case she was watching me.

I sat on the Tube replaying our encounter. I had mentally prepared to meet her mother, and I was going to explain myself so she could put to an end her memories of my father. Meeting Catherine scuppered that. My overpowering memory was the warmth of her skin. The weight of her body against mine. Her hair against my cheek. Then reluctantly, the fact she was my half-sister. I could not feel revulsion for my sensual thoughts. All I had now was a profound sense of loss that I would never see her again.

Two days later Catherine phoned. "I thought if I spoke to you Lawrence, I could stop crying." She sniffed.

"And how is that going?" I asked. She started bawling again.

"I have to get through this Lawrence. I was hoping you could help me?"

"In what way?" My antennae were rising.

"I was hoping you could find out from the auctioneers, the bureau came from. I want to see the house and get a feel for who my real father was. Then I can put this to bed. Will you help me?"

A thousand contradictory emotions went through my head. My reaction at hearing her voice told me how much I'd missed her, and my mind was racing ahead at the possibilities of seeing her again. But a tiny common-sense voice was telling me it was a bad idea. If she was to find out who I really was, she'd think my interest in her was creepy.

"Let me see what I can do. If the place is up for sale, we might get a viewing as potential buyers," I said.

"That's a good idea, Lawrence. We could pretend to be a loved-up couple buying their first home together. We might have to be a bit touchy feely, if you could stand that?"

Common sense didn't stand a chance. I swallowed hard. "I'll let you know when we've got an appointment."

***

That bloody desk was heavy, and I was sure I could hear the old bastard laughing at me from below as I dragged it into the garage and hid it under a blanket. I piled a couple of boxes of books on top for good measure and gave the house a quick once over to make sure there was nothing linking to me. I thought I'd done a good job, but then I spotted the drag marks on the carpet leading to the hallway door to the garage. They were bound to raise suspicion. I vacuumed the carpets to cover my tracks. All thorough my subterfuge I was thinking, 'I am my father's son.'

I knew Catherine wanted to put a face to the object of her mother's letters, so I obliged her by finding a photo of the old man in cricket whites at a works social. It was a professional shot. Black and white, with the rest of the team surrounding him while he received a cup. The typed note pasted to the back said, 'Richard Evans, team captain receives the trophy for winning the ICI inter plant cricket tournament 1986.' My heart stopped for a minute and then I thanked God mum had returned to her maiden name when she divorced him. I put it in a spare frame and placed it on the sideboard. Tricky Dicky always took a good photo. You could see why he didn't have trouble getting women. I wished he'd passed that trait on to his son. When Catherine saw what a wrong 'un he was, she'd sympathize with her mother's plight and put a lid on the matter. At least that is what I hoped.

My phone alarm went off fifteen minutes before I was supposed to meet Catherine with the estate agent. I had not put the house on the market yet, so there was no way that couldn't happen. I'd channelled my father to come up with a plausible excuse and made my call.

"Hello Catherine. Slight problem. The estate agents' kid had had an accident at nursery and she had to go off. I said we couldn't reschedule, so she let me have the keys on a promise I return them straight afterwards. Come straight to the house. I'll text you the address."

"Well played, Lawrence. I'd like to look around without an agent breathing down my neck. Pity though, I was looking forward to playing your pushy girlfriend." Catherine laughed.

My heart was pounding. The excitement of an illicit meeting, the fear of being caught out. Is this what my father lived for?

I let her in. I fumbled with the worn lock. You had to know how to catch it just right to open it. As a stranger, I should not have that skill.

"Hello Catherine. Bloody lock. The new owner will need to get this fixed." With my nerves, I didn't look at her until she came in. Then wow. She took off her coat and was wearing a fitted wrap over dress in a clingy material. My eyes were drawn to her shapely breasts and the curve of her thighs. She was also wearing makeup and her hair was held in a low ponytail. I realized I'd been quiet for a good five seconds and went red. "Sorry, Catherine."

She laughed. "It's supposed to do that. I thought the agent might have been a man, and I wanted to make him obliging."

"Where do you want to start?" I had to take my eyes off her.

"Can I just wander about to get a feel?" She scanned the hallway as if to commit the details to memory.

I was feeling nervous I'd missed something incriminating.

"I wonder where he used to meet my mum?" Catherine said. "I mean, she was married; he was married. He couldn't bring her here."

"He probably had a car. Or used a mate's place. Or a hotel. It might not have been the romantic relationship your mum's letters suggested. I'm sorry, Catherine."

She looked at me. There was a tear in the corner of her eye. "You're right, Lawrence. Why can't woman accept sex for what it is? Why do they have to romanticize it and end up disappointed?"

I wanted to put my arms around her and kiss her. "It's the way it was before the internet. Now they send half naked pictures to each other before the first date. So they know what they're getting."

She laughed. "Men must love that."

"Not all men. Some want to discover the person first." I held her gaze, and she reddened and looked away embarrassed.

***

The kitchen held little imprint of my father. I struggled to remember him cooking more than beans on toast; and then under sufferance. We went through the upstairs rooms and she opened his wardrobe. A collection of smart but old-fashioned suits hung in plastic bags.

"He must have been dapper in his day. Quite a stylish character," said Catherine.

I didn't want her to be impressed by him. "Looks like he was a bit of a peacock, if you ask me. Why would a family man need all these fancy clothes, if not to impress other women?" I hoped I was coming across casual rather than bitter.

"Do you think he cheated on his wife after he finished with my mum?"

"He probably had the taste for it. Couldn't stop himself. Today some doctors want to treat sex addiction as an illness. I think in his day it was a sport."

We browsed the bathroom and spare bedroom and were about to head downstairs when she spotted my childhood bedroom. I had not looked in there. My palms were sweating.

Catherine pushed the door open. "Oh. He had a son."

The room looked abandoned, because it was. After their divorce, I spent many desultory alternate weekends with dad. He spent most of the time complaining about mum's unreasonableness and how difficult it was to keep the house and find the money for the deposit on her bungalow. I reminded him it was my home as well, and he gave me a sour look. He tried to interrogate me about any men who might visit. 'You only have two uncles, Laurie. Any more are something else.' I told mum, and she levelled with me. 'Your father wants to know if I have a lover, so he can stick him for some of his maintenance burden.'

I realized I must have drifted, and when I came too, Catherine had opened the wardrobe. "His son was in the Scouts."

My heart was in my mouth. She was looking at a Blue Tacked photo of me in uniform with the rest of the troop.

"I think they are the Beavers. Younger than Scouts."

"Were you one, Lawrence? I wonder which one is his son?" She ran her finger over the photo of the ten boys.

I thought I would shout out from the picture. I had to distract her. "Kids change so much at that age. He probably looks nothing like that anymore." But I did. My hair covered my sticky out ears these days, but the eyes, nose and mouth were me.

"You're probably right. I hope he had a nice life." Catherine closed the wardrobe door and a 10,000-pound weight came off my chest. "Let's look downstairs. Perhaps there's a picture of my dad."

We arrived in the living room where she discovered the photo from the cricket match. She pulled a pair of black glasses out of her bag. "Don't laugh" she said. She put them on.

"You look like a sexy librarian." Why couldn't I keep my mouth shut? I was useless at this stuff. Not my father's son at all. I squirmed in embarrassment.

Catherine pulled the tie out of her hair and shook her head. "And now Lawrence?"

"Now you just look sexy. I'm going to get a glass of water. Would you like one?" I turned and headed for the kitchen, just avoiding tripping over my tongue.

I came back with two glasses to find her looking at her phone. "I took a photo of the photo so I can see better." I had not thought of that. She was using the magnifier app to study the old man's face. "I think I've got his eyes and mouth."

"Your hair is lighter."

"I've been dying it for years. I think his is the same colour as yours. What do you think?"

I was sure she was going to confront me. "It's a black-and-white photo. You can't tell."