Burned

"I'll tell people I'm a member of a new religion that requires half of a woman's face to be covered at all times."

She'd tried to laugh, but laughing stretched the skin at the corner of her mouth making her painfully aware (literally and figuratively) of what had happened.

For several months after her final treatment Brianna fell into a state of despair and even contemplated ending her life. She had no idea where the strength of will came from, but one day she told herself that she'd had enough.

"Yes, I was a victim," she admitted, "but I am not going to stay a victim."

She got out of bed, showered, got dressed then put on her makeup. The 'patch' was, of course, still there. What changed was the way she felt about it. Her self-consciousness about it didn't go away overnight, but her determination not to let it control her life was enough to let her try to live again.

"I may never find anyone, but I am not going to let this rule my life," she said to herself as she headed to the kitchen.

Her mom saw her daughter fully dressed, her hair and makeup done, and started crying.

"Brianna. Honey," she said as she sobbed. "You look so beautiful!"

Brianna knew all she needed to do to destroy her mother's statement was to move a little closer and turn her left side toward her. Instead, she thanked her mom for the compliment.

"Good morning, Mom. What's for breakfast?" she asked smiling a half smile because doing that didn't hurt.

Her mom was so happy to see her daughter up and about that she started talking about pancakes and waffles or French toast and fruit.

"Just some coffee and toast, please," her daughter said as she sat down at the table.

Her father was equally surprised when he saw her.

"Look who's up!" he happily called out when he saw her. "You feeling better, honey?"

She sighed once then said, "I...I think so, Dad. I mean, I know this...thing...isn't going away, ever, but I'm not going to let it destroy my life."

Her mom started crying again as her father said, "We're proud of you, Bree."

"Thanks, Dad. You and Mom have been great. Now I need to get out and find a place of my own and get back to work, and...."

"Brianna? You can stay here as long as you like," her mother told her as she continued dabbing her eyes and trying to get ahold of herself.

"I know, Mom, and love you both for that, but I really need to do this. For...me."

"Oh, honey!" her mom said as she came over and hugged her 'little girl' who was just a few months away from turning 42. "We really are proud of you."

Brianna's business had fallen apart as she'd been unable to keep up with it. As she sat in front of a computer screen and looked at her website for the first time since she was attacked, she recalled how bad it looked and how Beverly was going to help her get it updated.

In the meantime, she spent an hour or so writing a mass email to her customers to explain what had happened and why she'd been unavailable. She didn't go into detail about the burned area, nor did she say a word about how devastating the ordeal had been. She had no idea how well it might be received, but within 24 hours she'd gotten dozens of positive replies, well wishes, and a handful of questions about when she'd be ready to take orders again.

Feeling heartened, she let them all know she just needed a few more days in a follow-on email.

"I'm going to completely redo the website, and in the meantime I can take your orders, but I won't be able to start filling them until at least next Tuesday."

More positive responses like, "Take your time!" or, "Just get better!" made her feel even more determined.

It was Wednesday, and the sense of urgency to get started got her moving.

"Bev? You got a sec?" she asked her sister when she answered the phone.

"Bree? Are you okay?"

Beverly was concerned that something was very wrong. She'd tried her best to coax, urge, and cajole her sister back into the real world, but her efforts had fallen on deaf ears. Or perhaps it was that Brianna's soul had been crushed and was beyond repair. Regardless, she'd all but given up, and now her sister was calling.

"I am. And if the offer's still available, I'd like to redo the website."

"Yes! Yes, of course it is! Give me 20 minutes and I'll be there, okay?"

After she arrived at their parents' home, the sisters hugged, cried, then got to work.

"Do you remember me telling you about the guy I know?"

"Oh, right. You said you know a guy who knows a guy."

"That's the one! And since then I touched base with him and he sent me some of his work. Bree, I gotta tell you this guy is really good!"

"Before I share them with you, let me show you his website's homepage. Gimme just a sec, okay?"

Bev brought her laptop with her and in a few seconds had the page she wanted ready to be viewed.

"What do you think?"

It only took Brianna a second or two to realized the quality of the work before she said, "Oh, wow. He really is good. This is amazing!"

"Right? And check these out!" her sister said as she clicked a few more times.

"Okay. Here's the first 'before' pic."

Brianna looked at it for a bit then said, "Yes. It looks just fine."

"Hold onto your hat!"

She clicked a couple of times then said, "Now check this out!"

"Oh my gosh!" Brianna said quietly as she looked at the updated page. "This is...incredible!"

She showed her two more similar examples before saying, "He's a little pricey, but...just look at that!"

"How...pricey?" her sister asked.

"Why don't you let me worry about that?" Bev replied. "I know you want to pay me back, but I want to do this for you. Will you let me? Please?"

Brianna hated taking charity, but she hadn't made a dollar in so long she couldn't remember. Her savings account was on fumes, and she had less than a hundred dollars in her checking account. Were it not for her mom and dad's generosity she'd be in dire straights.

"Okay," Brianna said, trying to smile the best she could. "And thank you, Bev. I can't tell you how much your support has meant to me. Even when I couldn't show it."

She saw her sister's eyes go to the left side of her face but she kept smiling in spite of the pain it caused not to mention the emotional pain of being reminded that she was now...different.

"You are so incredibly brave," Bev told her, knowing Bree saw the glance.

There was a moment of silence before Beverly asked a question she'd wanted to ask since she arrived.

"Do you ever think about, you know, maybe...getting back out there?"

Brianna knew her sister was only being supportive, so she didn't lash out at her even though she wanted to. It was petty, but it made her angry or feel sorry for herself, and she'd had more than enough of that.

She kept her voice even as she turned her left side toward her sister.

"Bev. Look at me."

She turned her head to expose the 'patch' and didn't move until her sister looked, even if it was only for a brief moment.

"That's me. This is my life now. I know you have all of these high hopes for me, but no man...no one...is ever going to want to even go out with me let alone marry someone who's so...."

She didn't say 'ugly' or 'hideous', but that's what she thought, and when Beverly again stared at the scars on her sister's face, Brianna knew she understood.

Trying to lighten the mood, Brianna brought up the half veil thing then added, "Or I could just keep turning away from him so he can only see my good side."

She tried to laugh, but when she finished speaking, Beverly started tearing up. Brianna knew why, and she also knew exactly what that meant. She didn't look...hideous, but she was no longer beautiful, and that was never going to change.

******

"Hey, you ever going out again?" Jeff asked his brother one evening a few weeks after his last breakup.

"With women? Hell no," his little brother replied. "Not for a while, anyway."

"It's already been a long damn time, bro. What the hey?"

Connor stared at him then asked, "How can you be so freakin' smart and yet be so unbelievably stupid?"

Jeff pulled his head back, raised his eyebrows, then said, "Down, boy!"

"Sorry. I'm just sick and tired of picking...losers. I'm beginning to wonder if I'd even know a winner if she walked up and...."

"Kissed you?"

Connor kind of laughed then said, "I was gonna say 'bit me', but okay, that works. So does 'stuck a knife in me'."

He was shocked when his older brother sat down by him and got serious.

"Connor? Maybe you should stop trying to find a supermodel and try and find someone who's just...super."

Connor gave him a look. Rarely sarcastic, Connor let it rip.

"Let me translate. Marry an ugly chick, Connor. That's the best you can do."

"No. I'm not saying that, man. But maybe you're, you know, putting too much emphasis on looks. That's all I'm saying."

"I know what I want, Jeff. How am I supposed to be okay with...settling?"

"Is it possible you're confusing looks with love?"

Connor couldn't ever remember his 30-year old brother ever talking like before in his life. It was...unnerving.

"You remember my friend from high school? Evan?"

"Oh, yeah. The Homecoming King and the quarterback with the great hair and the abs, right?"

"That's him."

"And?"

"He married this really amazing girl who...well, let's just say she won't ever win any beauty contests and leave it at that."

"And?" Connor repeated.

"He's happy, man. I mean...really happy. He says she is the most amazing woman he's ever known. And trust me, he was pretty much the shallowest guy I ever knew."

Jeff laughed then said, "Next to me, of course."

Connor didn't laugh or even smile. He found himself needing to ask a question.

"How'd he do it? How did he...settle...like that?"

"He said he got sick and tired of the attitude. Hot girls know they're hot. And while I'm sure there are exceptions, most of them are either stuck up or just...."

"Bitches?"

Jeff laughed and said, "Yeah. That's the word he used. Bitches. Fair or not that's what he said."

Connor thought about it, but he still couldn't 'go there'. He promised himself he'd think about it some more, but he found it impossible to believe he could ever settle on something so important to him. But he also told himself that stranger things had happened and decided he'd at least try and keep an open mind.

Then another thought occurred to him while he was thinking. Maybe these more attractive girls and women weren't bitches at all but rather just doing what evolution had driven them to do: find the most attractive mate possible to produce offspring that would have the best chance of reproducing.

In the end it didn't really matter to him, because the result was the same. He wasn't attractive enough to attract them--whatever the reason.

Two days later, Connor got a phone call from a woman who said her sister owned a business, and the website she'd been using was in serious need of an update. She gave him the link to the page, and as soon as he clicked on it, he said what the woman already knew.

"Yeah. It screams--BORING!" he said with a chuckle.

The woman laughed and told him he was right.

"We're not worried about the cost. We just want a website with some pizzazz, you know?"

"I do," the designer said as his mind filled with things he could do, "and I've already got some great ideas."

"Wonderful. What can I do to get the ball rolling?"

Connor gave her three prices for three different options, and Beverly told him without hesitation that she wanted to deluxe, 'full-meal deal' which made the man laugh.

"Listen," Bev said. "Without getting into the details, my sister has been through some horribly tough times the last few months, and she really needs to get her business back on track so she can get the rest of her life on track."

Connor didn't want to ask, but he needed to have a general idea of what was going on to avoid saying or doing something hurtful. The woman was evasive and just hemmed and hawed about sister's ex-husband who may have been abusive. For some reason Conner didn't understand, she sent him a photo of her sister with an apology for it being a couple of years old.

"She's beautiful," Connor said immediately as he took in all of her features. "Did I understand you to say that she's divorced?"

He knew he shouldn't be asking, but this woman was very attractive. She was older than him, but he couldn't stop looking at the photo.

His question was music to her ears, unless, of course, this guy she'd sent the photo to happened to be married.

"Correct. She's very single," came a very cheerful reply.

There was a pause before Connor heard, "And looking."

Bev knew Bree would be furious if she heard her saying this, but if she got mad at her for caring, so be it.

"Okay. Um, good to know and I'll get started on this ASAP. Thanks for calling."

"No, thank you. You do really good work, and I want this to be a home run. Brianna deserves it."

"Brianna, huh?" he mused as he continued staring at her pic.

"Okay. You got it. Let's go for a grand slam," he told her with a little laugh.

"How much do you need upfront?" Beverly asked, "and where should I send it."

He gave her the information which prompted one final question.

"Can you give me a rough estimate on the time to get it ready?"

"Normally, I'd say about three weeks for a site like this. But for...Brianna...let's say maybe ten days or so?"

"Oh. Okay. I had no idea it took so long," she admitted, believing it was maybe a day or two at the most.

Connor barely heard her reply and responded by essentially blurting out something completely off topic he regretted asking as soon as the words left his mouth.

"You said your sister is looking. Does she date younger men by any chance?"

Beverly was both surprised and pleased by the question and told him, "Well, she's just getting out of a horrible situation with a man who didn't appreciate her. I'm sure she'd be open to dating someone a little younger--IF he was kind and caring."

"You uh, you wouldn't have any other pics of her, would you?" Connor asked, oblivious to how odd this conversation had become.

"I might have one or two more," Beverly replied as she scanned through her photos never stopping to think this web designer might be a stalker or a pervert. "Yes. Here we go. These two are really nice."

Connor was even more intrigued when he saw the two additional photos. Thanks to a pic in a bikini, this his time he could see her entire body, and everything he saw made him want to meet her even more, but they also stirred up his insecurities because she was a very attractive, albeit older, woman. But she didn't look that much older, so maybe, just maybe....

"And in case you're wondering, she doesn't have any children," Bev added.

"Okay. Good to know," her contractor said as he admired the scantily-clad woman with the amazing smile and the knockout body.

"So will you keep me updated?"

"I will. Give me a couple of days to get into this as I have high-priority design I have to finish up. Once that's done I'll go to town on yours and I'll give you a holler once I have the basics in place."

"Okay. And I want to thank you for doing this. Brianna's had a real go of it lately, and this should really help."

Connor thanked her for the business--and the photos--before saying goodbye then getting serious about the staring. The important project could wait a few more minutes. This woman had captivated his attention and his imagination.

"An older woman. I've never dated an older woman before," he said to himself as he looked at her beautiful green eyes and her amazing smile. "Her face is gorgeous, and that body. Wow!"

He took one last, long look at the pics then said out loud, "Maybe that'll change," as he thought about how to go about getting to know her.

An hour of looking and thinking passed before Connor got to work on the money-making design he had to finish in the next 48 hours. Even as he devoted his attention to it he could already see a design for this Brianna woman's site that would knock it out of the park. That alone wouldn't be enough to convince her to go out with him, but it could go a long way in making that possible.

That evening two separate conversations took place. One between two sisters and another between two brothers.

"It's gonna be fabulous!" Beverly assured her sister who asked about the cost.

"Bree. The cost for you is nothing, okay?"

She thought for a moment then said, "Although if you could, you know, be a little extra nice to the designer, that would be...."

"Beverly! What did you do?" her sister demanded to know and not in a nice way.

"Relax! Everything is fine, okay? I just kind of maybe let him know you were...available."

"Oh, my god! I can't believe you? Are you absolutely crazy?"

Brianna's voice was even louder and Bev could feel the anger.

"Calm down, Bree. He sounds super nice. And he loved the p...."

She stopped short, but her sister intuited what she did.

"If you sent him pictures of me I swear I will KILL you!"

Beverly waited a few seconds before speaking again.

"Bree? I love you so much, and I want you to be happy. So please don't be mad at me for caring about my sister. Please?"

Brianna was sure her blood pressure had reached the 200 level as she sat there shaking in rage. But after hearing Bev's kind words she realized why she was so upset. It wasn't that she didn't want to find someone to love her. It was having to deal with the reality of how she now looked, and she couldn't imagine anyone being willing to even kiss her let alone marry her.

It was mean, and yet she thought it. "Except for maybe Elephant Man."

"I'm sorry, Bev. I...it's just...so hard."

Beverly heard her sister choking up and felt terrible.

"Bree, I'm not gonna say I understand exactly how you feel, but I think anyone can have a general appreciation of what another person feels by imagining themselves in the same situation. I know that's not the same thing, but I've done that many times, and I think I do at least partially understand."

Brianna was trying not to cry but losing the battle.

"I...I'm...I'm a...freak!" she choked out, barely able to speak. "I'm...hideous!"

Bev waited a moment until Bree's breathing leveled out then said, "Honey? You are not either of those things. A do have a small area on your face was burned, and I'm not minimizing that. But you...you aren't that small area. You're so much more than that, and I think you're the strongest, most amazing woman I know. And Bree? I promise you there's someone out there who will see you for all of those things and not the one thing you think defines you."

This was the worst setback Brianna had experienced since deciding not to give up, and the reason for it was having to confront her worst fear. How could she ever learn to feel comfortable with any man if all she could think about was him staring at her face? It was difficult enough to have to deal with women face to face. But a potential mate? She shuddered at the thought.

She took two long, slow breaths then said, "I believe you do understand, Bev. And I appreciate what you said...about finding someone...like that."

"But?" Bev asked, knowing there was a 'but'.

"But you aren't the one who has to live with being...disfigured. I'm the one who was...burned."

Now Bev, who'd been the stronger of the two, began to lose it.

"I'm...so...sorry," she sobbed. "I really am, Bree."

They cried together for a bit then Brianna said, "Alright. Enough of that. Let's focus on the new design and forget about men, okay?"

"Right. The design," Bev said as she, too, regained her composure.

"And Bev? I'm not mad at you for sending the pics."

"Um...one of them was a beach shot. You know, in that little yellow bikini?"