Cafe

Hearing this, Shawn bit his lip and turned his head away. Erin noticed, and started to panic just a little bit. "Stay with me, please, Shawn – please?"

Without looking at her, he said, "Go on, I'm listening. It's just that this is something I never thought I'd hear you say."

"I know, baby, and I never thought I would have it to say. I'm so sorry." She grabbed a tissue to wipe away the tears from her eyes that would not stop falling. After taking a deep breath, she continued.

"I really thought it was just fun – two adults, playing a game that they shouldn't be playing, where nobody was getting hurt. I don't think there was an attraction there – at least not then, anyway. I really felt like I could handle this, and that it wouldn't go beyond what we were already doing.

"But as time went on, the "game" was ramped up. It went from casual peeks here and there to become more vocal. He's see me bending over a file cabinet, and make a remark like, 'I hope it takes you all day to find that file, so I can keep staring at that ass.' Or he would come up behind me and start massaging my shoulders, which felt really good, in a relaxing way, but also in a sexual way. Once I backed my ass up against his crotch to see if I was having a similar effect on him. The answer was yes, I was.

"After he left my office that time, the guilt of what I was doing shot through my heart. I looked over at the picture of you I have on my desk and started to cry. I couldn't believe I had let myself go that far. I had no reason to – I love you with all my heart and soul, and the last thing I wanted to do was anything that could jeopardize our relationship. As I look back now, that was when I should have told you what was going on, instead of continuing to drag it out longer like I did. If I had told you then, we could have done something about it to make sure it stopped.

"I immediately sent Roger an email, telling him that we had gone too far, and that we needed to stop at once. It wasn't five minutes later that he came back to my office. At first he apologized and told me he understood, but then he stood up and looked me in the eyes and told me that he wasn't playing anymore, because his feelings for me were more than play. He told me he was falling in love with me, and would do anything in his power to make me love him too.

"I told him to leave at once, and he did. But he began to send several emails a day to me, telling me what he loved about me, and what he wanted to do to me. He told me about his cock, how big it was, and how he would like me to see for myself. I knew that he could be fired for sending me those types of emails, but I was afraid if I turned him in, he would just tell the bosses that I had been participating in that kind of activity as well, and I would lose my job. And he was right – I had flirted with him, even though I knew it was wrong on so many levels.

"This week his pressure on me increased. He stated describing how our lives would be if he and I were together. He also started deriding you, telling me that you weren't near the man I needed, and that he was the one who could take care of me in so many ways. Shawn, I never answered any of those emails – I usually deleted them just as soon as I read them. Looking back now, I wish I would have never even opened them.

She paused her story for a few seconds, and then looked at him as she started in again. "This is going to be the hardest part for me to tell you, Shawn – please stay with me and let me get to the end. As disgusted as I was by his attempts to win me over, I was also flattered, that I could still be so attractive that someone was trying to do anything to make me go over to him. The conflict I was starting to feel in my heart brought back memories of my college life for some reason. I know you've never wanted to know about my experiences before we met and fell in love, and I'm grateful for that, because I'm not sure you would be happy with the woman I was in those times.

"I'd pushed those experiences aside when you came along and swept me off my feet. I had never thought of them again until Roger started pressuring me. Suddenly, the memories came back, the thrill of the chase, the knowledge that you could do whatever you wanted, with whomever you wanted, whenever you wanted. Suddenly, Roger represented those times, my time before you. Suddenly, my two lives collided with each other, and Roger was the one driving the train from the past. It was chilling, how the two lives I had separated from each other came back together. It seemed like I had lost complete control of myself.

"Shawn, I'm really surprised you didn't notice something was wrong with me these last few days, because I was such an emotional wreck inside, and yet I did everything I could to try and hide that from you. I knew that at some point in time I was going to have to tell you everything, since I obviously couldn't keep my past from the present anymore. You saved me from a time where I wasn't the best person. I love you for so many reasons, Shawn, but you saving me from a life you never knew is the best thing you have ever done, even if you didn't know you had done it.

"And yet apparently I couldn't see that as I looked at what was happening. Every time I saw Roger, I felt a flush, a twinge of my past life coming back. I'm not proud of this, but in my past, if a guy like Roger had shown me the attention he was showing, I would have already fallen to him, let him do whatever he wanted, because I would have wanted that as well.

"Finally this morning, it came to a head. I couldn't go on living with the turmoil my life had become the past few weeks. When I got to work this morning, I went straight to Roger's office and told him point blank that we were done, and that he had to stay away from me and leave me alone. He wasn't happy, of course, but I thought I had made myself clear enough that there was no possibility of it going any farther.

"I went back to my office and got to work. I felt the best way to survive this was to try and force it back into the same compartment in my mind where my past life had been locked away, and the best way to do that was to immerse myself in the present time. For me, that was my accounting work during the day, and you at all others times.

"At about 3:00, I realized that I hadn't had anything to eat all day, so I headed to the café across the street because it was the closest place, and I could come immediately back to work and get started again. I told the receptionist where I was going. It must have been when I was there that you called and she told you that I wasn't available. I still don't know why she didn't give me the message...well, now that I think about it, maybe I do.

"It was about 3:15 that Roger came in. He came immediately over to my table and sat down without being invited. I realize now that he must have come to the office looking for me, and then asked the receptionist where I had gone. Maybe that's why she didn't give me the message – maybe Roger put her up to it. I don't know, but it makes me madder the more I think of it.

"Roger sat down and I told him I didn't want to speak with him, and I thought I had made it pretty clear earlier in my office. He acknowledged that he knew what I said, but he looked me straight in the eyes and told me that he couldn't just walk away without putting up a fight. I should have gotten up right at that point and left, but for some reason I couldn't. I don't know what it was that kept me there, but I sat and listened to him."

Hearing this, Shawn turned his head away – he couldn't bear to look at Erin as she described the events of just a few hours ago. It had been hard hearing all that had transpired leading up to this point, but he had been able to keep his emotions somewhat in check. Now he feared he wasn't going to be able to hold them as she continued.

Erin saw him turn his head, and her tears began to flow even more freely. Her voice started to crack as she continued. "Shawn, don't give up on me yet. I know this is hard, but you asked for the truth, so you need to hear everything. I don't want there to be any questions about how much I love you – even more now after I'm putting you through all of this."

"Roger should be working at an advertising agency somewhere, because he proceeded to lay out his reasons why I should leave you and go with him. He told me about his childhood – about his parents working to instill important family values within him so when he started his own family, he could be as successful in raising his family as his parents had in raising him.

"He told me that he'd had plenty of girlfriends before, but none of them measured up to the standards he had set for his bride to be. He was looking for someone who was smart, beautiful, successful, that would excite him intellectually as well as sexually. He said he set a nearly impossible standard for his future wife, and his singleness was because he hadn't found that person yet.

"Then when he started working at my firm, he first noticed my beauty, but didn't make any rash decisions about whether he wanted to pursue me or not. Right away he noticed my ring, so he figured the possibility of him getting together with me was pretty slim. But as we got to know each other a little more, he realized that I might be the one for him. I'm so ashamed of this, Shawn, but the flirting I allowed and encouraged – the flirting I thought was harmless at the time – was actually what got him to think there was a spark there between us."

Shawn interrupted her – "Was there a spark between you two?"

"I don't know – I didn't think there was, but at the same time, I was enjoying myself, because I thought how much fun it was that this nice, good looking guy was spending time with me, enjoying my flirting and flirting right back. I didn't realize that his flirting had more of a purpose - that his purpose was to try to get me to fall in love with him.

"As he continued laying out his plea to me, I began to realize even more that he didn't just want to have an affair with me. He was making a full run at taking me from you for the rest of his life. It was overwhelming for me to hear how much time and effort he had put into his plan. As he was telling me this, for some reason I started to cry – I still don't know why I did, but he took that as an opportunity to show a little affection, so he reached out and held my hands on top of the table, and I didn't pull away.

"Finally he made his last pitch. He said, 'Erin, I'm pretty sure I've fallen in love with you, and the thought of going on without you is unacceptable. I'm going to ask you one more question, and I don't want you to answer now, but consider it for as long as you need to. Erin, make love to me one time, and let me show you how well I can take care of those needs as well. We can be discreet about it, and your husband will never know. If after that, you can't see yourself with me, I will walk away – incredibly hurt, and trying to figure out how I will deal with that pain. But I will walk away, if that's what you want me to do.'

"With that, he got up and came over to my side of the table and kissed me. When I realized what was going on, I pulled away, and told him to leave immediately. He did, and I stayed at the café about 15 more minutes before heading back to my office, where I shut myself inside and tried to sort out the mess I was in.

"I tried to get more work done, because it was working that had helped me forget about what had happened earlier in the day, but this time there wasn't going to be any more work done. I couldn't concentrate on the figures in front of me. All I could do was play back what had just happened, and eventually it became of playback of my entire life.

"Obviously, I completely forgot about our anniversary date. I wasn't even aware how much time I had spent thinking after coming back to my office. My phone was still off, so that wasn't distracting me. It was just a complete swirl of emotions, thoughts, memories...all flying around and banging against the corners of my mind.

"And then, without you knowing it, you threw out two lifelines, and I grabbed on and pulled myself out of the horrific mess I had created. I looked over at the picture I have of you on my desk – you know the one, where you are standing in a flannel shirt and one of your pairs of faded blue jeans. You are so fucking sexy in that picture, with your little smile curling up out of your lips. Do you know how many of my female coworkers have come into my office and drooled over that picture of you? And every time they do, I swell up with pride, knowing the sexy man over whom they drooled is my husband!

"And then I looked down at my wedding and engagement rings. I immediately flashed back to those two days. When you got down on your knee and proposed to me, my heart burst with joy and love! As I said yes to you, you stood up and gently slipped the ring on my finger, and as I looked to leap into your arms and hug you, I noticed that you were crying. From that day on, I knew that your love for me was stronger than anything else.

"It was the same on our wedding day. I just couldn't believe my good fortune to have found my soul mate, my life partner, the one whom I wanted to be with every single day of my life. I know it may be hard to believe this now, Shawn, but throughout these past two months, that love never dwindled – it never went away. It was finally that love that rescued me from whatever spell Roger had put on me.

"Shawn, it's you that I promised to spend the rest of my life with. It's you that I pledged my eternal love to. When I realized that, it was as though the fog lifted, and the lights came on and I followed your lifeline back to where I belong. I was relieved at one point – I knew that I could put this stupid behavior of mine away and not have to deal with it again.

"And yet I knew that at some point I would have to tell you. If we truly love each other as much as I know we do, then I couldn't keep anything from you. I had to tell you everything, even though I knew it was going to be painful for both of us. Your pain would be because of what I had done to you, and my pain was going to be from seeing how I hurt you.

"When I looked at the clock, I saw that it was nearly 9:30. I couldn't believe how much time this whole thing had taken. I knew I needed to get home to you. I needed to be in my safe place, where I was loved unconditionally. I was hoping I could count on that unconditional love to show me forgiveness for what I have done. I knew I had to tell you – I just wasn't sure how or when yet.

"So when I walked in here and you were sitting in the dark by yourself, I was surprised. When you started in on how this afternoon was pretty much the worst day of your life, I was confused, until I figured out that somehow you knew about my afternoon with Roger at the café. I wish I had had a chance to tell you about all of this before you found out about Roger on your own. I would have told you the entire thing. You just kind of forced my hand, which is what you should have done."

Erin stood up in front of the couch. She started unbuttoning her blouse. When Shawn realized what she was doing, he reached out to try and stop her, but she just stepped back away from him a little. When the last button on the blouse was released, she took it off and dropped it on the ground next to her. She unhooked the front clasp of her white lace bra, and it soon joined the blouse on the ground. Next, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt until it fell, and she daintily stepped out of it. She kicked off her heels, so that all that was left was her white lace panties, which were obviously part of a matched set with her bra. When she pulled them down and off, she stood in front of Shawn completely naked.

Shawn was fighting the urge to smile and reach out for his naked wife. He knew that he loved her and always will, and that despite six years of marriage, she was still an incredibly beautiful and sexy woman. Her standing before him served as a memory jog, as he suddenly remembered the first time he had seen her naked, and couldn't believe just how sexy and gorgeous she really was. At the same time, he couldn't deny the hurt she had created, and he knew that before there was any possibility of further sexual contact between them, he had to vent his pain and anger at her.

Erin knelt down in front of Shawn. With tears continuing to flow down her cheeks, she looked at him and said, "Shawn, I love you so much, and I will spend the rest my life telling you that. I will also spend the rest of my life telling you how sorry I am this all happened, if that's what it takes for you to keep loving me. I have laid myself bare in front of you – mind, body and soul. Please Shawn – please forgive me! Please tell me that you love me, and that you always will!"

Shawn looked as his naked wife, kneeling in front of him, and he couldn't help but smile once again. But he had listened to her description of these last two months without interrupting too much, and he knew that he needed to take his turn now, so he could try to explain just how this ordeal had made him feel. He knew it was going to take some time, and he didn't want her uncomfortable on the floor the entire time he said his piece.

"Erin, please, take a seat. We're going to be here a while, and I don't want you to be hurting."

"Shawn, I'm already hurting, but if you told me to kneel on a bed of broken glass in order to forgive me and keep loving me, I'd do it in a heartbeat!"

Shawn wanted to laugh at what sounded like one of her little jokes, but he actually believed she was serious. He waited until she stood back up and returned to the couch – still naked, but at least not kneeling on the floor anymore.

After she had settled in, he began his response. "Erin, first of all, I will never stop loving you, no matter what happens. I told you that when I gave you your engagement ring, and I told you that when I gave you your wedding ring. I have told you that nearly every day of my life. You have hurt me very severely with this, and I'm not sure I will be able to recover, but it won't be because I don't love you.

"I believe you when you say that you didn't cheat on me, except that in this case, that only means to me that you didn't fuck him. In my mind, you still did cheat on me, and I will tell you why. I gave you your time to explain what you did. Now I ask that I get my time, where I tell you what you really have done to me. There will probably be questions I ask you. Can you still promise me that you will answer each one truthfully, no matter how hard they may become?"

She looked down, then nodded her head yes. Shawn took that as his cue to continue.

"First of all, a question. When he kissed you, did you kiss him back?"

He could see that her tears had started falling again. Very quietly, she answered, "Yes, at first, but then I broke if off, and I could tell he wanted to continue. It was me that stopped it, Shawn."

He replied, "I don't really think it matters that you stopped it. That doesn't earn you any points. If you had stopped it even before it started, then maybe that would help."

"I know, Shawn, and I'm so sorry – please, if I could go back and undo it, I would in an instant! Please, Shawn..."

"Just stop for now, Erin. We have a long way to go here. I need you to understand just what kind of hurt you have put on me. You say you know, but I don't even think you've scratched the surface. You say you love me, but you've put me in a position where I now have to question that love."

She cried out, "Shawn! I know I've slipped, but my love for you now is stronger than ever!"

"No, Erin, you're wrong. Please let me explain. When you agreed to be my wife, I immediately went into a life mode where everything I do, I do it because I love you. When I go to work, I make sure to do the best I can on everything because I love you and I want to provide well for you. When I come home, everything I do around here is because I love you. My whole life is dedicated to loving you. Anything else doesn't even enter my mind. You are my world, Erin. When I wake up, my first thought in the morning is of you. When I go to sleep, my last thought at night is of you.