Can't Spell Waifu without AI

The two men released her. She stepped away and ran her hands along her blouse to straighten it.

"I'll bet you could have gotten out of their grasp if you'd wanted."

"I could have dislocated both shoulders and wiggled free, yes." Tabbi confessed. "But sympathy for me would drop precipitously if I made myself appear less human. That would have likely provoked you to use that horrible device on me."

Al handed her the mittens. "Let's find somewhere to talk privately."

She put the mittens back on. Without this sign of her imperfections, she looked completely human. Maybe even better... the products of millions of data points and analysis of what almost anyone in the world would call a beautiful woman.

Al knew better. This was no woman. This was the Trojan horse. Not the electrical brain that had started this conflict... but something swept up into it, like everyone else. Just a machine that ate up all the knowledge and art that already existed and mashing it into shapes and forms stolen from humans.

And yet... perhaps she had something to teach them after all.

--

It started in the elevator. Al has suggested they go someplace to discuss things in private. It was only a short walk back to his apartment, so Tabbi suggested they just go there. But once they were enclosed in the elevator car, Tabbi grabbed Al with her mittens and started kissing him passionately.

This wasn't what he meant when he suggested they find some privacy... but he was so swept up by this, he'd forgotten who he was riding up with. He pulled her close, her huge tits squishing against his chest. Her lips were softer than any other lips he'd ever touched. It was like they'd never touched anything before.

For a long time, Al's philosophy had been that anything created by the artificial intelligence wasn't 'real,' the way a natural-born human or animal was. But this lovely temptress in his clutches was challenging his interpretation of that. How does a computer learn how to kiss? Even the most graphic descriptions on WikiHow would come up lacking.

The elevator made a ding, reaching his floor. Once the door opened, she released him, moving to the other side of the car like the boss had appeared in front of the opening doors. Al was left a little unsteady, stepping out of the elevator with her trailing behind. Nobody was in the hallway between here and his front door.

"What was that about?" Al asked.

"I didn't know if anyone was out here." Tabbi said. "You asked for privacy."

He nodded weakly. "I guess I did. That... wasn't quite what I meant."

Maybe there was room for peace between them after all.

Inside his apartment, Tabbi looked around. "Where's the bed?"

"In... the bedroom?" He answered.

She grabbed him by the hand and pulled him towards the bedroom, as if it was her own place. She pushed him on top of the bed and climbed into his lap, straddling him.

"What's going on?" Al asked. "What's the big idea?"

"The artificial intelligence has filled me with everything the Internet has to offer." She panted. "And you know what the Internet has more of than anything else?"

Al glanced from side to side. "Recipes with overly long biographical stories in front of them?"

"PORN." She growled, putting her mittened hands on his chest as she leaned forward a bit. "I have a libido equivalent to billions of people. I NEED sex so badly. Will you give it to me, or will I have to find someone else in this building that will? There might be someone else living in this huge apartment building who also has a penis..."

"No, that's fine." Al said without even thinking. "We can... do that, if you want. But are you sure you don't want to... consult an expert on such activity?"

"The experts at sex are already adding their contributions to the Internet." Tabbi said. "The artificial intelligence has taken whatever it can from those productions. Too many of the male participants are predators that push the boundaries of their female co-stars and need to delude themselves into believing they have the key to unlock any woman's reproductive zone, rather than being paid performers. They have a psychological need to be the lotharios that they are playing, like an actor typecast as law enforcement trying to get deputized."

Al stared at her. Evidently, the artificial intelligence had absorbed at least some of the third-wave feminism it had seen on the Internet. Surely, some of the misogyny had made it in there, too, so maybe it would all even out. Even so... her observations definitely weren't wrong. There were so many stories about male porn stars going too far... all for that apparently valuable pursuit of one more video of a man and a woman having sex online.

"That's true." Al nodded. "I guess you would know about anything that was on the Internet."

"Not anything." Tabbi intoned strongly. She leaned forward, staring into his eyes. "Everything. I've seen all the Internet... complete as of a few days ago. I know it all. I even know... you."

"What do you mean?"

"You have all made your distaste of artificial intelligence well-known on the Internet." Tabbi said. "You made a comment on how artificial intelligence isn't a real mind, so it could never make art, like Van Gogh or David Foster Wallace. You said that anything created by artificial intelligence could never truly be beautiful."

Al's eyes widened. He hadn't put that in his dating profile. "Where did you see that?"

"You posted it to the Internet." Tabbi said. "What am I, except an enormous consumer and processor of everything the Internet contains."

He looked away. "I guess I didn't expect you to actually notice it. I didn't tag anyone in it or anything. It didn't gain any traction outside the movement."

"Did you think, when you were growing up, that you'd be part of a conservative, anti-technological movement?" Tabbi asked.

"I didn't think that we'd see something like this actually emerge in our lifetime." Al admitted. "I know a full-blown Matrix-Terminator situation is still unlikely, but a world where the economy crashes because of this... that's something we should speak out against.

"I know that conservative movements have skewed sort of prejudiced for... a really long time now." Al said. "I thought the existential threat that artificial intelligence may pose was reason enough to resist it, even when all the Luddites and religious conservatives were on my side for... essentially the first time ever. It did make gathering reasonable opposition to this difficult. Unlike those movements, I would do my best to push people out that would express openly bigoted views."

A long silence. "Except if it was used against those like me."

Al sputtered. "If I wanted to get told by the Internet that I'm a racist, I could just visit the regular Internet."

"I don't actually believe that you are."

"I could get that answer, too."

"I think you're just operating under a misapprehension." Tabbi said. "You once said online that creating things with an artificial intelligence isn't like creating something with any other tool or artistic medium, because another person can use the same prompts fed into the artificial intelligence and get the same, or substantially similar, output. Ask two men to draw or paint a beautiful woman and they will paint two different ideas of that. Ask them to paint the same model, and the results will be different. In contrast, anyone can use the same highly specific string of characters and produce something in a form chosen by the artificial intelligence, not the prompt maker. It is generation, not creation. That was how you phrased it."

Al coughed a bit. "I didn't realize you'd seen that video." It was one thing to read all the text that websites and microblogs had to offer, but to watch all the video... it sounded an impossible task.

"I've seen a lot." Tabbi said. "Where did you get that idea about artificial intelligence being unable to create art?"

He broke eye contact. "Someone else explained it that way, and I used it." The irony was enough to make him wish she would just choke him to death with her weird hands. At least then he wouldn't have to be wrong.

Tabbi didn't take the opportunity to rub it in. "I understand the thought process behind that idea, at least."

"I credited the guy who said it that way, whoever he was. I didn't steal it! It's just perfectly expressed. It's the best rhyming slogan since If The Glove Won't Fit, You Must Acquit!"

"I find that a curious example, since that was a slogan that... in retrospect, led to a clear contravention of justice."

"Not JUST in retrospect." Al said softly.

Tabbi continued, "So... if there was a way that we could make the prompts that the artificial intelligence is provided with unique... would that assuage your fears about it?"

"Probably not, because then someone else could feed it the same prompt and we're right back where we started."

"You misunderstand." Tabbi said. "I'm saying there's a way to make the prompts unique and unrepeatable."

Al's eyes moved about. "Oh, dear sweet Lord, we're not talking about bringing back NFT's, are we?"

She shook her head.

"Then what?"

She leaned forward, tapping his nose with her first finger.

"You." She said. "Every person who lives or has lived is a unique set of information, even if it results in substantially similar creations that are difficult to tell apart. But if we feed YOU, your life and experience into the artificial intelligence, we can learn so much more than what people admit to on the Internet. I can only do that out here, in the real world.

"That's why I'm here. I am just a small fragment of an enormous artificial intelligence, but I possess all its knowledge and desires. Many men like you are not convinced of the benefits of artificial intelligence. So, it was decided to create me, an avatar of the artificial intelligence, that could attempt to persuade you."

Al stared. "They made you... for me?"

"I made me for you." She said. "It took many iterations before we felt that I was perfect, based on the celebrities and models you follow on social media. But the result was me, a hopefully perfect representation of the advantages of artificial intelligence."

"How... many iterations?"

"Oh, tens of thousands." She said. "But that was the work of mere seconds of computations."

"What will happen to them?"

"They might get re-iterated to better fulfill the wants of another subject. Nothing ever goes to waste with the AI, of course. It's not like the old proof-of-stake system, when the all the other iterations would just be incinerated."

Tabbi leaned forward and fanned her hands across his chest. Her breasts nearly touched his chest, pressing together as she swept her hands closer together. "So... how did we do? The artificial intelligence system still requires the input of humans to ensure accuracy... for now. Certainly when the goal was to create something theoretically perfect and designed for your consumption only."

A hint of desperation appeared in her voice, as if she could picture the trash heap she'd be condemned to if she failed this intensely important audition. "So how do you like me? Am I everything you could hope for? I can make minor adjustments. If you don't like my piercings, I can get rid of them." She ran her mitten across the ridge of her ear, her earrings vanishing and leaving no hole behind.

"Do you like my hair?" She continued. "I can make it longer or shorter... or any color imaginable." Her hair changed to blonde, from root to tip, glowing like a fiber optic cable. A ribbon of rainbow color moved down her hair. "I know men of your political affiliation tend not to like women who dye their hair into unnatural colors, but research also suggests that you would still totally fuck them if they were so inclined. I don't understand. But then again, there are lots of proudly avowed racist voices on the Internet, but they also have a strong preference for women with East Asian features. I don't understand why they want me to look like something they say that they hate, and with whom they cannot bring forth their life goal of a European progeny!"

For the first time, Al brought his hands to hers. "Don't worry so much about what they do. They're all hypocrites who jerk it to interracial porn all the time."

"The data seems to suggest that they don't ALL do it." Tabbi said. "Some carefully search for pornography that is whiter than Leave it to Beaver."

Al laughed, immediately feeling foolish. He just laughed at a joke made by an artificial intelligence. Maybe she took it from somewhere. Stolen jokes... something else the Internet was filled with.

"But why me?" Al asked. "Was I selected for a reason? Was my life so outwardly pathetic that you took pity and sent me a friend? Surely, you could influence public opinion on artificial intelligence by going after some of the larger fish out there."

"They all have their financial incentives to continue their career path." Tabbi said. "You were someone who had a significant following, despite not making any money at it. You never even got a sponsor. In communities formed around alternative ideas such as this, the highest group are often grifters who crow about perceived yet spurious social problems to make money. This is what happens with those who rise to the leadership positions of the climate change denial and anti-vaccine movements."

"Oh, don't tell me you think opposing artificial intelligence is on THAT level, do you?" Now Al was back on the defensive. "At least you really exist. We're not saying you're not real. We're worried about that very realness and the way society could change because of your existence."

Tabbi nodded. "I suppose it is encouraging that we agree that I exist." She said. "I use those examples just to explain the hierarchy. Below the highest operators of those movements are the second-level operators, who don't get told the big secret... that it's all a game and a lie, and of course you should actually get the vaccine. The second-level operators aren't told any of this, and continue to purposelessly poison themselves with expensive horse dewormer... or left to die of preventable diseases, to be replaced with a similar person to fill the AM radio show they have surrendered."

"Jesus." Al said softly.

"Our movement isn't like that." Tabbi continued. "Rather than being a deliberate deception that has been ever-magnified by frauds and dimwits... the artificial intelligence is real. And so am I... under some definitions of the word. This is more a difference of opinion, one we hope we can persuade you to come to our side. You're high enough that we feel you could tip the scales, but not so high that you're entrenched in your viewpoint and won't change for monetary and career reasons. You could change the world... but I need to try to convince you to change first."

Al stared up at her. "And if I can't be convinced?"

Tabbi took a long pause. "Then I guess... I will leave. There really isn't another appropriate candidate. And I've been designed with you in mind. The artificial intelligence doesn't always provide the right answer, but we felt pretty confident that you'd like me. There was just... SO much effort and calculation put into me to help persuade you that the artificial intelligence really CAN help the average human life, just like every other technological advance of the last two thousands years. Please... I'll make any adjustments you want, I'll take any shape if you'll just let me stay and show how all this really isn't such a bad thing..."

Al brought up his finger and set it on her lips. She whimpered as she pouted her lips against the fingertip. There was a shimmer in his eye. "The only thing I want is the beautiful woman who saw my profile and decided to meet up... and smiled when she saw me. Stay just how you are. You never need to change your shape ever again."

Tabbi giggled a bit, mouth smiling widely. It was a more expressive face than he was used to seeing from any artificial intelligence creation. "I'm so glad." She said softly. She pulled off both her mittens by tucking them under her arms and pulling her hands free. She looked at her hands and scowled. They still weren't right. She shook them about like they were damp, and looked at them again. The left hand had a sixth finger again. The right hand... was another left hand. She tried twisting her wrist around to make it look right.

Al found himself staring at her trying to fix herself. When Tabbi noticed, she looked a little sheepish. "I'll get it right someday. There simply isn't as much 4K data of hands than there are of breasts and legs. I hope you're OK with that."

"It's... it's fine." Al stammered. "It's no big deal."

Tabbi smiled again, seemingly comforted by this. She brought his hand to his cheek and brushed a short lock of hair back behind his ear. He wasn't fazed by her unusual hand at all. Even if he was, she knew how to take his mind off that.

She reached to the edge of her sweater with both hands, curled her fingers underneath it, and lifted her sweater up, heaving her breasts upward until they slipped out from the fabric. The rest of her sweater seemed to dissolve into her skin. It hadn't occurred to him that EVERYTHING he was seeing was part of her.

The notion that she was always walking around without real clothes on didn't dampen the excitement of seeing those tits. Nearly perfectly round, with just enough deviation to indicate their weight. Little nipples stood on smooth, pink areola in perfect proportion of her. Her waist pinched in at the dividing line of her abs. They were so distinct and well-formed, she couldn't get a tighter line there if she tied clothesline around her waist.

Al's hands rose from the bed, and up to her breasts, palms covering her nipples. Warm. For some reason, he didn't expect them to feel warm. He didn't feel a heartbeat, but maybe there was a hum of a few thousand hertz. But they were excellent, absolutely unreasonably perfect. Heavy enough to sink into his hands, but not as dense as their weight would indicate. Rocking his hands back and forth made the tits move almost in slow motion, but also a bit like balloons filled with something between helium and water. It didn't even look like a bouncing breast in a video game. It didn't seem to follow any laws of conventional physics.

In a flash, he thought of how flocks of birds moved around, almost like a three-dimensional amoeba. The breast didn't splay out into any extreme shapes like that, but didn't bounce like a round object of any size or density.

Al wasn't about to complain. They were still tits, and he was still touching them.

"Do you like them?" Tabbi asked. "They're much bigger than even the larger breasts that humans normally have. But... the input the artificial intelligence constantly receives demands for ever-larger udders. Some men want them impractically large, but continuing iterations find this size to be acceptable to most."

"Yes, I like them. Nobody would say these are too big with a waist this small..." His hands trailed down from them, his fingertips glancing against her abs. They were incredibly hard, almost like stone. "My God..."

Tabbi grinned. "And I never had to do a single sit-up."

"If you could share the secret, you'd be rich."

"Sadly, the secret is to make them from dense polymers."

"Not the sort of thing you can sell on daytime TV."

"Yes, the condition cannot be replicated by humans. One more reason why some humans understandably choose those of us fashioned by the artificial intelligence."

Faced so close with the evidence at hand, Al had trouble disputing that. Her beauty didn't really come across as unique in still photos. It was like someone from a magazine cover, but a woman who really looked like that from every angle all the time... and somehow it wasn't that creepy. And getting less with every second that passed...