Capital

The discussion I'd tried to have with Cassandra did have consequences; she let a few weeks slide by then warmed up some what in the bedroom, that was not enough for me though, she needed to regain her balance in the household and I had no idea how she would repair that damage. We started to talk more and find resolution between her and me. Only the die had been cast, her work load at Uni continued. We knew she'd have the same sort of workload in the final year, then she' d start her MBA. My only hope was we'd continue improve our relationship, eventually getting back to where we should be.

My promotion? I turned it down citing work life balance. They were not happy about that and it seemed my punishment was to get lumbered with acting one up positions, not that I worried too much about that. I kept a tight reign on my hours as my children came first. Exercising my legislated right to disconnect from work.

Cassandra went cold in the bedroom again, not long after that I read an article on line about relationship breakup. The usual stuff about the why and where for of it all. Not pretty reading for sure, we ticked quite a few boxes not enough for me to go into a mad tailspin crash and burn just a wobbly moment. The balance sheet was not so balanced and had not been for a while. We need to have an open discussion about our union.

Rose had now reverted back to wanting to be called Rosemary.

"Hey dad, are you and mom okay?" she asked.

"Yeah, we're good, why do you ask?"

"Well, how come you two don't do anything together any more, you used to go out together lots."

"She's busy with Uni love, once she finishes it will revert to what it was, besides we do still do stuff together," do we I thought, damn if your youngest can see all is not well what chance have you got.

"Like what?" Her frown was cute on the surface but I could see and sense her confusion even pain, there was something worrying her like a loose tooth.

My mind jumped into hyperdrive as I flashed thought the memory banks, in the end when it came up with 'no results for query' I lied much to my shame, lying to you children is not good.

"Um, we do lunch and sometimes coffee if we cross over at work, then there's here at home, you know bedtime and early mornings."

"Dad! I'm not a kid you know!"

Hanging my head in shame, okay and in embarrassment now racked my mind for an out.

Looking up and into her eyes said, "sorry Rosemary, I bent the truth a bit and I promise never again."

Her hug was better than great, "it's okay dad, you're the best and we are just worried about you two."

"Have you said anything to mom?"

"No, she's more like a stranger to us, we hardly ever see her to talk with. And dinner does not count either, besides that is more like a recording asking how was our day, her eyes even glaze over!"

"No, they don't!"

"Yes they do, ask Courts and Anna."

"Since when do you call your sisters that?"

"When they are not about to hear me," her cheeky grin.

"I'll keep my eyes open and talk with mom later, see if we can sort this all out."

"K, and dad?"

I raised my eyebrows at her to go on, the added rolling motion with my hands to help.

"I really love you dad and whatever you do, don't change."

My talk with Rosemary was more like a cattle prod on my arse, not that I've ever had that done. My family was hurting around me while I dithered about like a hapless idiot. Only if you have ever been in my situation you'd know there is no straight forward solution, get it wrong and you'd fuck it up even worse than it was already. There were a few people I could reach out too, only they were too close to us it needed to be someone with real life experience, a professional.

The net offered a list of options but all were a bit over the top, we were not that bad yet. Only we were, who was I trying to kid.

Biting the bullet, made an appointment. With a woman of course, who better to understand one than one; maybe I got that wrong though. Dr Megan Foster knew her stuff by all accounts and I got to find that out two days later. Her receptionist called and offered me a cancellation, beats waiting about for a few weeks! We went through all the preamble crap and then cut to the chase, well she did, I was still waffling on about our situation at home and how it had come about.

"Is she having an affair? Any signs that could be the case?"

"Shit no! She'd never do that!" my indignant and undignified retort.

She then proceeded to ask some really diving questions, deep down into Cassandra's and my relationship. Somehow I remained seated and answered to the best of my ability, even all those embarrassing sexual performance ones. I was at the stage of thinking all she wanted was our dirty laundry and private intimate moments.

Suddenly, "okay that's great we got the obvious out of the way quicker than I'd thought. How is your financial situation?" She ended.

"Great actually I was going over that just the other day and by the way its all accounted for, her salary, mine and out investments. Super is looking fantastic and our rental is looking spot on, good tenants."

"So no strange withdrawals?"

"Nope, like I said all accounted for."

"Why did you look?"

"Oh, it is something I do about every three months, we work in finance like I said."

Our conversation went on and she asked some shallow and odd questions along the way, before I knew it my hour and a half was over. She gave me some homework, and points to check out a couple of grey areas, to her that is not me. Booking me in for another appointment the following week, of all days Tuesday a mere four days to get my homework done.

I took the rest of the afternoon off as flex time, seems I had bucket loads did not blink an eyelid at that. Starting dinner early, began my homework. I had time up my sleeve so much so I managed to do both study and our bedroom. But fuck it I felt like a sneaky shit and that did not sit well with me. I actually felt that dirty I took a shower and a break from snooping. Courtney and Rosemary's school was with in walking distance, so with a bout of fresh air in mind headed off to meet them. Never one to embarrass my children hung back a bit from the gate.

A few of the moms waved and called their hello's. Gale and Mary who lived half a block down from us, stopped for some idle chatter while the clock counted down to the event of releasing pent up frustrated children. The bell sounded and almost at once the tide of children aged eleven to eighteen surged out of the buildings and then the gate. Parents rounded up their charges wrangled them into cars and thinned out the ranks.

Rosemary was first to see me and charged the final thirty metres ending it with a leap into my arms. Courtney followed more sedately as befitting a young woman full of grace, it hit me she was going to be stunning as an adult. Time to invest in a shotgun or two! The stroll home was enjoyable in the extreme, both gave highlights of their day and all was good.

Feeling a bit more grounded with us all seated at the dining table, relaxed a bit, surprised at how uptight physical I was. It obviously had not shown itself in my speech, so that was good. Annabelle raised the question of heading off for a picnic this weekend, pointing out that it had been ages since the last one. Rosemary offered the time of that occurrence, "not since mom started her Uni."

To which Cassandra had the decency of looking guilty, then blow me down with a hand wave, "yes, sorry I've been kind of missing haven't I."

"Good that's settled then, Pryors Hut is my choice, a short walk and increased appetite sounds good," Annabelle said.

"I have," started Cassandra, three daughters heads swiveled to glare at their mother, "a day of leisure will not hurt," she conceded with an about face.

"Its only five k's, ten for the round trip and what 45 minutes for lunch mom, there will be lots of time for you to lock yourself away after that." Courtney said.

I thought twice about reprimanding Courtney for disrespect, in the end did not at the table. Correcting the slight when bedtime arrived was the better option.

"Courtney, that was not quite an appropriate way to speak to mom, I know how you feel, I do as well but please don't disrespect her so publicly, Rosemary is at an impressionable age. Also mom had just admitted a very hard thing for her to do."

"Sorry dad but it is true, I'm sure she does not love us anymore," the two tears slid down her cheek.

Brushing them away with gentle fingers, "Honey, I promise you your mom loves you all more than anything."

She sniffed, "doesn't feel and seem like it right now."

Holding my arms out, she lent in for a hug. Another sniff, this time from my right side, had me turn my head towards the door, catching a glimpse of Cassandra beating a hasty retreat. On leaving number two daughter's room did my normal pre bedtime routine, daughters one and three had there goodnights, then the lock-up and turn off exercise.

That night as I climbed into bed, I could sense a change in the metaphoric bedroom temperature. It was decidedly warmer, maybe that was, lets see maybe zero Celsius.

"I'm sorry Mikael," her voice was tiny like something I'd never heard from her before.

My thinking was scrambled unsure of what she had said, 'what?' then it hit me my blood froze instead of the air in the room. Suddenly ten things started to vie for my attention as each though started to form another kicked it off the line. I finally settled on nothing nefarious, she was talking about placing her study ahead of her family. I wrapped her up in a hug, it did feel great to have her home after so long away. I use that reference because even though her body was always here with us her mind was elsewhere. We fell asleep like that and woke with me spooning her, was normalcy returning? I could only but hope it was.

The change was not quite what I or the girls needed from their mother. Cassandra seemed to lose the steel in herself, seemed almost meek, deferring to us, so totally not acceptable.

"Cassandra you have to come back to us, who this person you are becoming is not the real you."

She looked at me blankly, taking a deep breath I laid it out for her, no bitterness just cold hard facts. The light seemed to return to her eyes even as I talked. I finished talking and a comfortable silence settled just as was normal for us. She was processing the information she had been given. I made a pot of tea for us and returned to the study with the tray loaded, two cups and saucers milk jug, as neither of us took sugar that spot was replaced with a slice each of tea cake I'd made for the girls lunches.

Our tea, long finished without a word spoken.

"You are right and thank you for your patience with me," she rose sat in my lap and snuggled, sure felt good to have her back. It must have been hard for her I surmised having to peel back the layers and then own her behaviour.

It was still early in the evening when she said, "I need to make this right with our girls. See you in bed?"

I nodded, then added, "after I shower, was busy in the garden after work."

The thought struck me that we had come very close to falling apart, I should have done this ages ago instead of going with the flow. Was my lack of drive at work a bad thing, sure in the early days I was working to climb the totem. Only the higher you do the bigger the cost in your personal life. Why have children to farm them out for others to look after. No point talking to my dad or even Cassandra's dad both of them got to the top, our mothers had been homemakers they played the role set for them by the thinking of the day. I could count on one hand the number of times dad had played a game with us and I'd have a few digits free!

My follow up appointment with the good Dr Megan was just that a follow-up, a gold star for my performance and we were let off the hook. She did assure me that if her services were required not to hesitate, a strike while the iron is hot approach. She finished with sound advice, "Mikhael don't become complacent, remember to maintain a proactive approach to marriage."

We would need another talk, Cassandra and I; re-assess our priorities in work and home. Rosemary only had two years of school left, I did not count university, I contended that our daughters were their own then, we'd help but not be a money pit for them.

Just maybe Cassandra needed to chase the top rung, she'd never make it to the very top; that's the way of government the very top jobs go to the privileged old boys and girls network. She could jump into private business, a lot of plusses and equal number of minuses. She would maybe slide across at the same level, money and promotion position and then it would be up to her commitment to rise.

We rolled along very well during her last year of study, her degree achieved with more time for family and husband. Chuffed oh yeah our sex life was back to were it should be, a minor consideration in the grand scheme of things.

Family time was faultless even with Annabelle dipping her toe into relationships. A woman would come her way one day, someone who would treat her as a person. Just as soon as she owned up to her sexuality, I knew my children had always listened and watched them, Annabelle would one day own her sexuality and I was already prepared to carry on supporting her choices in the world. I did not care who it was either, so long as they treated her with respect. The same wish was also directed for her siblings and their future partners.

Cassandra made the decision to go into private business. We did discuss it and while I was not happy about it, did support her. That is what partners do. I kept an eye out for opportunities for her. While I worked in defence still had a huge amount of contact with private enterprise so why not. In the end though her new employer came from a professional employment agency. She was now on the elevator of career prospects.

I stopped fighting the department and accepted my elevation to the next level. Why the hell not, Cassandra was working fifty hours a week now and I knew it was only time before she could add another ten or fifteen to that. Her drive and determination simply had her head hunted by a rival firm, the carrot an MBA and fast track into executive officer territory.

The day she came bursting through the door with her good news etched in my mind. Our three daughters were home that Friday evening; the occasion was to celebrate Rosemary's birthday. Her mother had forgotten what day it was, trumpeting her news of new employer. My daughter was gracious placing her day on the back boiler and allowing her mother to take the limelight.

The dinner became Cassandra's celebration and her crowning glory. Unknown to me, Rosemary had instructed her sisters to make it about mom and not her. She would do something with us next weekend. To be honest, I to this day do not think Cassandra is even aware of went down. Me the idiot should have pulled her up short; but you know, keep the peace and all. The complacency Dr Megan warned about had arrived and I missed it.

Life rolled on, Rosemary entered university, Annabelle finished, starting an internship and Courtney stayed under the radar doing very well in her studies. If there were boyfriends or a girlfriend none of them made an appearance while I was home. My wife started her MBA and I saw less of her during the days, in a way I suppose I just ran up the white flag.

We were young still only late forties, I'd let her have her day in the sun, my job was to support her and that is what I did, although our daughters welfare was also built into my life and thinking as long as they lived at home, I would ensure this was a true home. Clean and tidy, larder full and milk in the fridge, three meals on the table and fully working utilities.

The change happened just as any outsider would have informed me. I to my credit did not miss the tell-tale signs and giveaways. The later getting home and apparent tiredness, too tired for proper affection, the good stuff and I'm not talking about sex. The hugs and the little touches, the pecks and pats as we passed each other, I still did, she was pulling back.

When does it become okay to come to bed dressed, when all your married life you have slept naked. Regardless of the children, we always had. From the first day Annabelle arrived the golden rule was put in place, our bedroom was our sanctuary. Babies did not get to walk in nor did pre-teens nor teens.

So silly of her to think that was remotely acceptable. The death knell came when she began to question my lack of drive in career. Knowing I was not the sharpest knife in the draw or the brightest match in the matchbox, it made me wonder just how dumb she though I was. More and more of our daily chores wound up on my plate. Our girls helped and for that I was grateful.

Just by the by the balance sheet was totally fucked. My input far outweighed Cassandra's, her withdrawals more than outweighed mine.

She then said something in a passing outburst that to this day I am sure she has no recollection about, it happened when she came home crowing about her news of promotion and rather large increase in salary that day.

"So when are you going to man up and demand a promotion, Adam says your lack of drive is a sign of weakness and perceived self-worth."

There was a whole lot more all centred around a multitude of me, me and I, I statements. I merely shut down took the dished out crap from her and mentally started to divide our assets. Our books would be closed for good. The balance sheet of hurt was going to be heavily in her favour if I had anything to do with it.

As good fortune would have it our tenets contacted the real estate about ending their lease early. Without consulting Cassandra, okayed it. I then had the place professionally cleaned and painted inside and out. Leaving it empty once that was done. It was time to gather our children and have a chat about my plans.

It was not hard to discover who Adam was, I honestly had no idea there was so much brutality in me. The beating he was facing really meant he would be better off dead, only he would not be. The financial pain Cassandra was going to suffer brought a smile to my face, there was a whole lot more too come I was positive the turning all our family and friends against her forever making her a pariah; her daughters would shut her out and she'd never have access to her grandchildren, blah blah blah, all that took about five seconds to flash through my mind. Then I just let it all go, what the fuck, why waste time and energy on such negative shit.

Making dinner that night was a pleasure. Strange as it was I did not make our favourite, no, instead we had one that none of the four of us liked, Cassandra on the other hand loved it, it was tacos. The girls groaned when they saw the table.

Then without their mother present I gave them the news that their mother and I were finished. The food went untouched as I filled them in on some detail, not all because it was still their mother we were discussing. I refused to ask, make or try coerce them into taking sides. They settled and we discussed the situation.

Of course they wanted to know about reconciling and counselling along with a raft of other ideas, I'd been through them all a few days ago so discounting those was easy.

"Where will you live? Here?" Asked Annabelle.

"No, a new start is what I'll be having, clean slate no tarnished memories will be packed," I said.

"Can I come stay with you?"

That was asked by each in turn, yes was the reply.

"For good?" That was Rosemary. First Courtney then Annabelle asked the same question before I had replied to my youngest.

"Yes, but this is between your mother and me, don't withhold your love from her, she adores and loves you all."