Captain's Log B.J.W.A.V. Incident

There was a pervasive feeling of elation among the mission crew. Consisting of myself Program Commander Major Tom, and Mission Coordinator and Pilot 1st Mate Prom Queen.

It was a clear spring day perfect weather for a successful launch.

With a 100% success rate since the introduction of the B.J.W.A.V. (Blow Job with Anal Vibration) Expectations were high every mission was better than the previous mission.

I was relaxed and confident.

The B.J.W.A.V. missions had added a much needed boost to The Program (code name for our sex life.)

The Program had become a dull mind numbing process with zero excitement. There was nothing nada, zilch, zero a horizon of emptiness. Watching paint dry was more. stimulating than the program. The Program looked dead in the water, just waiting to be torpedoed. After only a 5 year run the program seemed to have run it's course.

The B.J.W.A.V. had changed all that. There was a renewed excitement about the program. The missions were greatly anticipated instead of dreaded. Since inception of B.J.W.A.V. the number of missions, and protein production had more than tripled to the delight of the crew.

The B.J.W.A.V. launch was all systems go, and went off without a hitch.

The B.J.W.A.V. was the brain child of 1st Mate Prom Queen. Her oral abilities were unmatched. She had years of experience in piloting similar craft like the Good Vibrations. (A chromed anal class probe with variable speed capabilities. It is vessel used to produce, and deliver vibration, and penetration with pinpoint accuracy.)

The B.J.W.A.V. consisted of 2 separate stages.

Stage 1: To orally stimulate the P.O.S.(Protein Output Shaft)

Stage 2: Anal stimulation with the Good Vibrations.

Both stages should be executed simultaneously to achieve optimum results.

Prom Queen's execution and performance were exemplary. Her pin point BZZZ BZZZ of the Good Vibrations. And coupled with her wet warm oral suction on the P.O.S. with a piston like quality was magnificent.

She was exceeding all my expectations. The level of arousal of the P.O.S. was visually noticeable, and exceedingly larger than prior missions.

At this point my heart was pounding. My breathing was erratic. The P.O.S. was at maximum rigidity, and was swelling in preparation of ejaculation of protein. It was my time to shine. My focus on the P.O.S. protein release was intense. It was so close expulsion was eminent, all indications it was another successful B.J.W.A.V. mission.

We were fast approaching the summit of success. I began yelling YEAH BABY YES YES!!

When stage 1 of the mission without warning was immediately halted.

I looked down and said "What the hell baby don't stop." Staring up at me with fear in her big blue eyes. She said "WE LOST IT".

I was thinking if you mean the mood hell yeah.

She then showed me her hands. This took a second to register in my mind. Stage 2 was still engaged BZZZ BZZZ BZZZ and unmanned.

Remain calm I thought to myself. You're the Commander. You're trained not to panic in emergency situations. I immediately spun around bent over, and screamed GET IT OUT!!

Prom Queen was already in kitchen looking for retrieval option #1. A set of metal salad tongs.

The whole time I felt the Good Vibrations BZZZ BZZZing deeper into the abyss of my anus.

My mind was ablaze with the horrible carnage this probe could cause to the program, my body, reputation ego and my name would be the butt of butt jokes.

Prom Queen returned with the tongs in hand. She did a quick assessment of all the variables. Her high school biology knowledge on the human digestive system. The Red Cross First Aid Course she took at the Y. After a short deliberation. she was insufficient in knowledge, and training for her to spearhead the Good Vibrations Retrieval Operation.

In times like these a man will give pause to abstract thinking.

The word PROBE is generally associated by me with two groups.

NASA or ALIENS

1) ALIENS have an excellent probe recovery team. We know this because of all the abductees. Not one abductee has ever been found to have a probe still in them.

Aliens must have really long fingers.

Where's an alien when you need one?

2) NASA probes are exploratory tools usually expendable, and never recovered.

Bringing me back to the here, and now.

I heard Prom Queen sweet voice saying "We have to go to the E.R."

In wanting to avoid the panic, hysteria, and personal embarrassment. I responded I'll just take a laxative and...

Prom Queen shook her head no. She surmised. With the Good Vibrations motor in the on position. Having new batteries installed prior to launch, and it was not equipped with a remote kill switch. This is our only option. I thought thats pretty smart for a public school graduate.

My heart sank this B.J.W.A.V. mission had been scrubbed. The Programs future was in question.

Meanwhile back at Ground Zero. The Good Vibrations was Bzzz bzzz bzzzing into the Backdoor Galaxy.

Prom Queen was now Transportation Director

for the Good Vibrations Retrieval Operation.

In route to the E.R. (Emergency Retrieval)

I insisted we have our stories straight so pay close attention

We'll tell them our last memory before waking up in our back yard, was a blinding light. When we regained our bearings. I felt this weird sensation in my posterior. We deduced it was an alien abduction, and by some fluke a probe was left inside me.

We would talk up the scientific value we could glean from this probe. We then stress that if word got out it would cause widespread panic. We would need complete anonymity for the sake of public safety.

She rolled her eyes, and shook her head. She turned into the parking lot. I got out of the ground transport, but Prom Queen failed to disembark. Aren't you coming in? She just shook her head no.

The mission a miserable failure. I was now walking into the ER alone the Bzzz bzz of the Good Vibrations a sad commentary on the high expectations that had started my day.

My 1st encounter was with a non medical admissions clerk. May I help you?

That question just hung there, as I began to ponder for a moment.

Just how long can a duracell battery possibly last? and Why the hell didn't she come in with me.

I heard Sir, Sir what seems to be the problem? snapping me back to reality. I thought no turning back. Instead of placing the blame on the butter fingered 1st. Mate Prom Queen. I did the honorable thing, I remained vague.

I seem to have launched a probe in the switched on position into my rectum,

Wrecked em, nearly killed him I thought.

I continued, At last contact it was speeding farther down range, thus making a simple retrieval impossible. That their assistance in the retrieval of the probe would be greatly appreciated.

She looked me up and down. Just have a seat sir.

No thank you I'll stand.

After a couple minutes a nurse escorted me back to get my vitals. I'll be damned if she didn't ask the same question. I took a deep breath then with every shred of dignity I had left. I answered "There is an unmanned out of control anal probe at full power horribly off course, with no reentry procedure to follow.

She gave a curious look. I couldn't tell if it was You're a degenerate look, or You're a Freak look. No matter It couldn't get any worse I thought

I'm then taken into an exam/retrieval room. Standing there with the Bzzz bzzz of the Good Vibrations going strong. I felt like the Energizer Bunny batteries were shoved up.his ass to keep him going.

After what seemed like light years. The doctor came in and asked What's Up???

I gotta have Groucho Marx M.D. for a retrieval expert.

Vibrator turned on in my butt can't reach it need extraction.

Not to worry he say this happens all the time.

That started me wondering has the Prom Queen had been cheating on me?

I said your just saying that to make me feel better.

Yep was his reply.

Then he put on rubber gloves, and pulled out a forceps 18" long and held them like Bugs Bunny holds his carrot "Naaa What's Up Doc?" He smiled lighten up at least you came in and didn't call 911. so it won't make the paper. Things are looking up already. Let the Retrieval Operation commence. Please drop your pants and bend over. Now just relax and take it easy.

I thought That's how this mission got started. The whole time I felt Pressure increase, and Bzzz bzz remain constant

I felt the pressure of the forceps ease, and then heard the snap of gloves coming off,

Pull em up he said. I still felt the Bzzz Bzzz. Doc is the buzzing like reverb or

something?

Retrieval was a bust. He then spoke in terms that were mortifying. We don't have the equipment or facilities here to mount a retrieval effort of this magnitude. That Big City Hospital had the facilities to handle it.

I was in a state of shock. I pleaded for other options. He had none to offer me.

He said that sick bay was full, and Scotty said dillithium crystals we're almost drained and transporters were down. That a shuttle craft was my best bet. I think he was mocking me.

Please call and inform them of the sensitivity of the situation. That complete secrecy of the probe retrieval was essential. That I was to be escorted directly to the retrieval operations. That there was a no contact order except for medical professionals essential to the retrieval.

He said sure thing Buck Rogers we'll have those orders transmitted toot sweet. Then left me with Don't worry This to shall pass.

I departed with a less than optimistic feeling about what laid ahead.

I arrived back to the transport where Prom Queen was waiting. I explained the probe is still BZZZ bzzz due to lack of funding. That essential equipment wasn't available, and recovery operations were being transferred to another better equipped facility.

Houston we have a problem.

Prom Queen steered the transport towards command control. Gazing out the window with a bzzz in my seat. The alien abduction story was sounding pretty good. We arrived at command center. As I again left the transport.

"One small buzz for the anus.

One great death nail to anal play".

With one last look back at the sweet face that had launched the Uranus was probed fiasco. Without a word she smiled and shook her head.

I walked with very little pep in my step and a big buzz in my afterburner. Hoping that the call was made thus avoiding explanations it to anyone.

I entered the retrieval command center my heart sank. I was walking towards an insurmountable obstacle in my bid for secrecy. A Metal Detector with a minimum wage mace armed security guard.

I said hello I'm Major Tom

He said put all metal objects in the tray.

I ask him did he receive a call from Dr Marx informing him of the delicate nature of the retrieval operation?

Nobody tells me shit.

Ground control to Major Tom your circuits dead there's something wrong...

I put my change in the bowl praying the detector wouldn't pick up the probe. No such luck. BEEEEP

I quietly informed the mace armed sentry. That there was a metal vibrator in my butt. I was sent over from another facility lacking the equipment to complete the retrieval.

Your shitting me?

Serious business. Why would I lie about that. Shushing him.

All doubt that he wasn't a Mensa member were vanquished. When to my horror he grabbed the hand held wand. Then began waving it over my butt. My Bzzz Bzzz produced a rapidly repeating beeping sound that echoed through the E.R. waiting room. Well I'll be damned. I nodded and again shushing him. He then summoned Frank the other part of the crack security force. Come over here man you got to hear this. As he continued waving the wand over my butt. By now he had everyone's attention in the waiting room. He gave Frank his professional rental cop report. Dudes got a hunk of metal up is ass. What do we do? I was praying this wasn't the restrain and retrieval team. After the brain trust decided that they couldn't extract the contraband themselves.

They concurred that the contraband that I was attempting to smuggling in. Was so far up there that a retrieval by me wouldn't go unnoticed. I was cleared for entry.

With everyone's gaze in the waiting room firmly affixed on me. I walked to the check in desk, and gave my name to a sweetest looking old lady. She said your the guy with a dildo vibrator stuck up your ass.

Yes ma'am that'd be me.

They called and said you were coming. Have a seat honey

I was taken back to the retrieval area, and was given a gown to put on.

Everyone at the probe retrieval center were smiling at me.

The Director of retrieval. operations came over and said in a reassuring tone.

Not to worry we'll have that out in no time.

I was given an injection and started counting backwards.

My next memory of "The Uranus Was Probed Butt You Weren't Blown Odyssey" was that of waking up and seeing the smiling face of Prom Queen. Since I had no sensation of Bzzzzing I assumed mission accomplished.

You're going to be alright darling she said while patting my hand. That's great I said. Thinking I may heal, but I'll never be alright again.

At that moment the surgeon came through the door with a zip lock baggy with a shiny chrome object in it still buzzing.

He said It's working great. Do you want it back?

I shook my head no. You keep it doc for your trophy case.

Moral of the story

You should be very anal about leashing everything, or it could wind up biting you in the end.

P. S. A.

OBJECTS ENTERING THROUGH THE REAR DOOR & HEADED TOWARDS THE FRONT SHOULD BE LEASHED. ALWAYS HAVE

A MEANS OF RETRIEVAL

LEASH LAWS SAVE LIVES.

PLEASE LEASH YOUR PROBES, FERRETS AND CONTRABAND.

This public service announcement has been provided by The Center For Stupidity Prevention.