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Callie and Jess seemed sad by this time and there should've been no way for me to know why, but my extrasense could tell - I would be leaving soon and they were worried for my safety and Jess would miss me, and Callie.
Then dinner and another of our nightly orgies. Was it like this here before I arrived? Because this place and these people were like heaven to me.
Next in chapter 6:
Taylor | Who becomes a domme
- COMMENTS
Suggestionalmost 5 years agoI get the impression that you were trying to show a lack of coherent thinking. But the writing style just comes across garbled. At one point, it felt like there was text missing from the page.
On a broader scale, I have now read nearly 20 chapters. And I still have no idea what is going on. Despite the epilogue and the prologue, I have no concept of what happened at the end of book one. Bob went from a strong and interesting character that was in over his head, to just a mindless, wasted guy at a commune.
You started the series to herbal magic and hypnotism. Suddenly, there is age reversal, telepathy, instantaneous learning of some skills, but painful practice of others. You are all over the place. Focus your magic system.
I kept reading book one because you gave hints of a really good story involving likable characters. I am not sure how many more chapters I am willing to read before I get to that. It is obvious that you have in your mind how this all works and comes together. I would like to see you go back through it all with a good editor and clean this up. It has the potential to be a great story - but you aren't there yet. Keep at it.
