Chiaroscuro and Catgirls

Moxie> XD XD tell her I am the best

SolarBadger> This chat is something else these days.

CrystalMaze> holy shit so much text what did I miss

SolarBadger> Ellie's got a girlfriend

CrystalMaze>!!!

"I do not!" I protested, blushing hot

Moxie> you totally do. She sounds like she likes you. She wouldn't be texting you if she wasn't interested

Reverie> you tell her Moxie!

QuakerGoats> Ellie - nothing ventured, hon. Maybe this is the Universe's way of rewarding you.

"Shush, all of you. Oh my God, my ears are burning. Right. No more distractions. Wow. Just breathe. Okay... light and darkness and how to use them to separate space. Lets... start with our usual catgirl, shall we?"

Moxie> XD XD

Moxie> Ellie, fun's over - now draw the sad thin girl but make her happy!

ElliotP> yeah no catgirls, give us happy Ellie or else we'll set your mystery girl on you

CrystalMaze> +1

QuakerGoats> +11

and others began spamming the same ridiculous demand.

"Really?" I said, pretending to huff. "Are my catgirls not good enough any more?"

QueerBeer> catgirls are nice but sad Ellie has soul and deserves a chance

The rest of my channel was unanimous.

So I gave them what they wanted, and for some strange reason felt better, briefly, for it.

❧

My phone began to ring two minutes after I ended my stream for the evening. I picked it up and stared at her portrait while I carried her with me to bed and fell lengthways onto my rumpled blankets.

And then I finally answered her call, and there she was, blue-eyed and staring uncertainly up at me.

"Hey you," I whispered.

"Hey. So... that was quite an intense evening. Lots to unpack." she said.

"Oh God. I'm so sorry. I... had stupid stuff I needed help with. I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that. I didn't know you were there..."

"Viv - it's fine. Don't worry about it, okay? I know you didn't. But... just listen, okay? There's something I need to get off my chest and I have to say it now while I'm brave enough...."

"Um... okay..."

I heard her take a breath.

"Vivienne... my career is everything I am. It's all I have. And... I'm having issues. You're... causing issues, for me. Big ones..."

Frost settled on my shoulders, chilling my heart with her pitiless claws.

"What do you mean?" I whispered.

"I can't concentrate at all. It's... it's like I've lost the ability. It's... I..."

And she sighed.

"This is my life," she said, softly. "This is all I have. I have to be good at it. It's all I'm good at, Viv. Nobody will care; nobody will catch me if I fall. I... I have to look after myself. You make that hard. You complicate things. Some might say you complicate things too much, and..."

My heart collapsed into ashes.

"You don't want me."

I didn't even recognise my voice.

"Oh my God, Viv. That's... that's not what I'm saying at all. It's just..."

I closed my eyes and stopped listening.

"Life's not fair," I said. "It's okay, Kirsty. It's okay. I'm... I'm glad, actually. It's fine..."

"Viv, I'm trying..."

"It means... it means I don't have to waste my energy on hope. I can just accept that this is who I am, and that this is my life. Thanks..."

"Viv, please..."

"No, really, thanks. I needed to have the rose-tinted glasses pulled off, and I'm glad it was you who..."

"Viv, that's not..."

"... did it. Thank you for being gentle, and thank you... "

"Viv, oh my God, wait, just please stop and listen... "

"... for having the decency to phone. Goodbye, Kirsty," I managed. "It was really nice to meet you. Thank you for the commission and the lovely meal and the few moments where I believed I was wanted."

"Viv, please, for fuck's sakes, just..."

"No. You've said enough. You've said more than enough," I whispered. "I'll save you the trouble of taking the trash out."

And I blindly pressed the button to end the call, and dropped my phone aside. It began ringing again almost immediately, but I ignored it.

I should have known it was too good to be true.

She didn't want me. Not really. She wanted my art, she'd wanted my body until she'd had it.

Not me.

I stared at the grimy ceiling above my bed, and wondered how much energy it took to just... cease to be.

My phone rang on, and on, and on.

Then it began to beep.

Pings of emails, dings of instant messages, more incessant calls...

And through all of them I stared upwards; the clay simulacrum of what had once been a girl with hopes and dreams, now bereft of any driving force or reason to go on.

Silence fell at last - oh, blessed Oblivion.

Her guilt had clearly run its course. And now she was free of me.

I wished her well. Then I closed my eyes and tried, very hard, to feel nothing at all.

And for the next few days I moved only when necessary. Which really wasn't very much at all, when you got right down to it.

❧

It had taken a monumental effort to rise from my grimy sheets, but I'd need the money soon. Best not to throw away the little bit of runway I had left. Best to hoard it all. I'd need it while I searched for work. I'd need to look good, I'd need to pretend competence so that I could fool some unlucky company into believing that I had my shit together...

I knew I was crying, silent little hopeless sobs; I'd tried to stop, but it was futile. I couldn't. My ribs hurt and my chest ached and my heart was cold and broken.

She'd thrown me away just five days ago. Just five days. Five innocent little squares on my wall calendar that would normally have passed in the blink of an eye...

They'd been black and endless.

I'd cancelled three shifts at my day job, giving a generic illness reason. But any more and they wouldn't schedule me again - and I needed to work. I needed to eat, after all. Nobody else cared, knights in white shining armour were a fable, as I'd so definitively had demonstrated to me. So I'd stood up this morning, and glued on a fake little smile, and masked the wreckage behind my little facade, and done what was needed with the bulk of myself locked away where it couldn't cause trouble.

And now I sat in my old worn pyjamas that were all I'd been able to stomach wearing, and stared through blurred vision into the unwinking, merciless mirror of my camera.

And instead of words, there were just these endless, exhausted tears of despair and resignation.

My stream went live... and I didn't care. I stared into the camera, and struggled to find any words to say.

Moxie> hi Ellie!

Moxie> oh my god

I took a breath, then sniffed. I scrubbed at my eyes for what good it would do. I hadn't bothered with makeup; there was no point wasting it.

"Sorry," I whispered. "Fuck. Sorry everyone. I'm a mess."

ElliotP> jesus

QuakerGoats> oh this isn't good at all

I sniffed again.

"Hi, everyone," I tried again, with what was left of my raw and ragged voice. "Don't mind me. Some shit happened. It's fine. I'll... be fine. Probably. So... foreshadowing. Hah. Foreshadowing in art is when the artist includes symbols or images which are there to... to hint what's going to happen. It... occurs a lot in... in religious..."

I stumbled to a stop, and stared down at my lap.

I took a slow breath. And then, another.

"I can't," I whispered. "I can't go on. I can't be here for you guys any more. It's... it's obvious now that art isn't for me. This isn't the life I'm going to get to have. So. Foreshadowing. Also known as "The stupid bitch really should have seen it coming". I'm just going to have to put my big girl underwear on and... somehow make it work out there. I don't know what else to do. But I can't do this any more."

Moxie> Ellie? What happened to you? Is it the girl? What did she do to you?

My vision blurred again. I bit down hard on my tongue; the pain gave me a bit of strength.

"She doesn't want the... complications of... of me."

I clenched my fingers together. Breathing hurt.

"She's older. She's got an amazing career. She doesn't need a tag-along, a... a tail, someone she has to carry. She... deserves someone who can be her equal."

CrystalMaze> omg :O

"You know, it's funny. I knew this was all too good to be true. I knew it. But... but I let myself hope. Hope is stupid," I whispered. "It makes you do stupid things. There's no magic. There's no bigger plan. It's all just pain and slow decay until the end."

"So... this will be my last time," I continued. "I can't do this any more. I'm sorry. You guys will get refunds. Thanks for... for being here for me when I needed you. You tried to help me. I... appreciate that. Go and help someone else. Go and help someone whose life you can change. I'm a lost cause. I've seen that now."

Moxie> Please don't give up on us, Ellie. It's hard now. It's always hard when something we love is taken from us. I know it is. My partner died last year. You keep me going.

SolarBadger> Oh fuck, Moxie... I'm so sorry

Moxie> what's the saying, don't know what you've got until she's gone.

Moxie> Ellie... life hurts. I'm not going to sugar coat it

Moxie> sometimes all you can do is grit your teeth against the pain and keep walking, babe

Reverie> there's good parts to it too. I've made friends here thanks to you, Ellie.

ElliotP> me too

QueerBeer> I'm a gay man with no friends in a small town in the middle of the Midlands. I don't want you to stop. You're the only nice thing I have in my life right now, Ellie.

QueerBeer> You give me something to smile about.

QuakerGoats> QueerBeer - where are you, mate? I'm in Fife, but I feel a ferry trip coming on. Boys night out?

QueerBeer> don't threaten me with a good time :D

"All I do is... show my sad excuse for tits and talk about stuff that's irrelevant," I said. "None of this matters. None of this changes the facts. I'm not good enough to do what I want. This is all just... delaying the inevitable. But it's okay. None of it matters any more..."

Moxie> Ellie it matters to me

QuakerGoats> and the rest of us. It would be terrible if you stopped. You're so good at this. Not just your art, Ellie - but how you explain things. How you care. Who you are. You're warm, you're lovely.

ElliotP> I like spending time here. It's my place. This is our place, Ellie. But you made it. You did this.

"Well, then, I guess I can end it too," I said, softly. "I'm... I'm sorry, all of you. I am. But... but I'm broken. I kept thinking that some day, someone would want me, and that all the pain and the darkness would... go away. That I'd be able to paint, and draw, and... live a bit. But it's okay. Dreams are dreams for a reason. I see that now..."

Godiva82> is this what you want to do with your life, Ellie?

I stared at the words, bitter, stabbing icicles crawling down my back.

ElliotP> hang on... that was her?!

Moxie> omfg you complete bitch! I'm making a voodoo doll of you right now, fucker

"How... how fucking dare you," I hissed.

My phone began to ring.

Godiva82> please answer your phone. And yes, how fucking dare I, and yes, I am absofuckinglutely doing this in front of all these people so they can see and understand how much of a fuck-up I am

Godiva82> I have issues and didn't explain them. I was scared to tell you how much I like you. How much I need you.

Godiva82> But I wanted to. So... now that it's maybe too late, and if so so be it, but I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was a fool. Some things don't change.

Godiva82> you won't take my calls or answer my messages. this is the only way I can still reach you.

Godiva82> Ellie, I need you in my life

Godiva82> Please don't throw me away

Godiva82> please

Moxie> Godiva82 - chick, if you fuck our girl around again I swear to God I will jump on a plane and hunt you down and end you

QueerBeer> People make mistakes. The important thing is whether it's worth making up afterwards.

I stared at her words

Please don't throw me away

Moxie> Ellie, babe - you should answer her call. don't live with regrets like me

"I'll... be right back," I managed. "Don't go anywhere, all of you. Please. I don't expect that this will take long."

And then I muted myself, and turned off my camera, and took a slow, shaking, furious breath before I answered her call.

"What the fuck do you want?" I hissed, trying to control the rage I felt towards her.

"Viv," she said softly. She sounded like she'd been crying. "Please. Can we just talk? Like two adults?"

"About what?"

My words were flat; jagged pebbles I flung heedlessly into the abyss in the hope of wounding her.

"This. You. Me..."

I heard her sigh.

"Us," she said.

"There is no us. You made it quite clear that you didn't want an us."

"No, you assumed that," she said. "I never said that. You... you wouldn't give me a chance. Viv. Please, will you just listen? Without interrupting? It... probably won't take long. And then I'll go."

"I'll listen. You've earned that much."

"I'm scared, Viv."

The words poured cold water over my rage.

"Scared? You? Why?"

"Because. Because I don't know what to do. All my life has been one thing and one thing only. Since I was sixteen. I never had time for anything else. I grew up on a pimple on the buttocks of nowhere, and the only way out of there was marriage, unless you were lucky enough to be really fucking good at being in the right place at the right time like I was. My career is who I am. And I've chased it ever since, and until very recently I didn't really understand what I'd missed out on. But turning forty made me... question things. And then you happened. And... nothing's been okay since..."

"Is that it, then?" I said. "Is this another chance to tell me I fucked up your life? Because..."

"Oh my God, you really are the most infuriating woman ever!" she yelled. "Just listen! Please!"

"So talk," I snarled back, trying to keep a lid on my anger as it flared again.

"I... everything I know is work. I don't know much else. I didn't have much of a family life, and I haven't had many lovers over the years. Certainly none I've... wanted to see again, afterwards. Not until you. Please, Viv. Please don't... don't let my clumsiness and my stupidity fuck this up. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'd give anything to be able to go back and say the right words to you. Please!"

"So what are the right words, then," I said, when the silence had grown unbearable.

"I need help. I need your help," she said softly. "Everything that was important isn't any more. You're more important than all of it. I fucked up; I get it. But... but so did you, leaping so fucking effortlessly to that conclusion..."

"Did I?"

"Yes! Fuck, are you even listening to me?" she shouted again. "I want you, Viv, I need you in my life! I want you in it! Stop this... this pushing me away! I don't know what I'm doing, and I need you to help me not be so fucking God-awful at this!"

"You're right. You are God-awful at this."

She made a soft sound of pain; I squeezed my eyes closed.

"Sorry," I gasped. "I'm... sorry. That was unfair. It's just... you fucking broke me. You broke me into pieces and... and I don't know if you can fix it now."

"Can we at least try?" she begged. "Or... or is that it, and I should just... give up and go away? If that's what you want..."

"I don't want you to go away," I whispered, desperate not to break down, knowing I was failing. "I... you... you gave me hope. You made me hope for something more, you made me dream... and... and I needed that dream, and I needed you, and... and I hate that I need it and you so badly, and it's all just so fucked up and wrong..."

"I'm so fucking sorry," she said, voice tight and shaking. "I was never good at knowing what to do or say. I didn't want to want you. I knew I wouldn't get it right. But... but it happened anyway, and now... since that night... people are noticing that I'm not all here. Someone asked me if I was okay today. I'm fucking things up, forgetting things... I'm worse than a fucking intern again, it's all going to pieces and I feel like I'm useless. How much I miss you makes me useless. You've made me useless. I need you in my life to... complete me," she finished, softly. "I can't do this alone any more. But... if that's not something you want to risk now..."

"I miss you," I sobbed, as the hot pain under my ribs blossomed like blood-red briars.

"Oh Viv..."

"Sorry. Christ," I sniffed. I shifted, dragged my forearm across my eyes. "Sorry. For everything. For being so fucking stupid and quick to anger and..."

"Don't. I was the stupid one."

She sighed.

"It's... lonely here, Viv. It's horrid. It's been fucking awful. I hate it here. "

"Here too," I whispered. "I want to be in your arms again. I need you against me. Oh fuck me, I'm sorry for being such a stupid, irrational..."

"No. Stop. You weren't. You've been hurt before. I could see that. I should have been more aware. I should have been wiser," she moaned. "Viv... I have five more fucking awful, unending days here, but... but touch wood, so far... nothing else has exploded or is showing signs of exploding. So... I'm desperately hoping that I might be back by Monday. Can I see you? I need to see you, to... to hug you and be sure you're okay. But... but I know I don't deserve, and... and if you don't want..."

"I want," I panted. "I need you back here. I need you. Just tell me where I have to be and when and I'll be there. I'll always be there for you. Always," I gasped.

"So this is what it's like, then," she said, after another brief silence. I heard her sniff.

"What is?"

"Having someone who wants you to come back. Someone who's waiting for you."

"Yes," I whispered.

"I... like it. The idea of being wanted for... for me."

"Yes."

"I should fly you out here," she sighed. "I'd lock you in my hotel room as my treat for surviving a day. My reward for being damn good at what little I can do."

"You are fucking good at what you do. And you're fucking good at a lot more than you believe you are. You just really, really suck at dealing with... damaged people."

"So... teach me. Make me not suck so much so that I never, ever do this to you again..."

"I feel like a stupid, needy child..." I whispered. "I've... I haven't moved, I haven't cleaned, I haven't even washed myself... I'm a wreck..."

"It's okay. I get it. It's not like I have any scope to complain after my part in causing this... this whatever the word for it is."

"Carnage. Cataclysm. Other big, fiery words starting with C."

"How about... a change of... of path, to the road not taken but desperately desired. I'm shattered. God, everything aches, my jaw is agony, I've been so stressed about this. I... I honestly thought that that was it, that I'd gone and screwed everything..."

"Not everything," I whispered. "Kirsty, I can't stop shaking. It's freaking me out a bit."

"Have you eaten? You haven't, have you?"

"No. Not much. Haven't had much of an appetite these past few days."

"If... if I order something for you, do you think you'd be able to manage a late supper? Just you and me?"

"I don't know. I'm so nauseous right now. But... if you want..."

"I want to," she said, softly. "I can't hug you, or kiss you like I so desperately need to right now. I can't sit you on my lap and hold you as I'd like to. I can't do much of anything from here - except talk to you and feed you.. So I'd like to at least buy you dinner, even if we're not at the same table. I'd like to hear about your day, as shitty and horrid as it probably was - and tell you about mine. I'd like to... talk to the girl I'd like to think I'm seeing... if she'd like me to."

I took a slow, shivery breath.