Chimera

"Separate bedrooms and separate beds - period. If I think anything else is happening, I'll pull the plug on this so fast..."

"We can behave." Thalia said.

"I hope so. This could be the basis of your thesis and get you your doctorate. Research like this has clearly never been done."

I spoke, "I need help and guidance more than I need a fling."

"Then we're all agreed."

Thalia and I nodded. I was a bit disappointed. I wasn't sure if she really had an interest in me, and I sure as hell didn't know anything about pursuing a lesbian romance, but I might have liked to try. I don't know, if my mind was the mind of a man, was it truly a lesbian romance? Hard to say, but I guess I wouldn't get to find out, at least not with Thalia.

We took an Uber back to my place. Thalia was kind of quiet, and I wasn't sure what to say. I gave her my spare condo key.

"We need to go shopping. You only have the one outfit and you need more than that."

"What about you? If you're going to stay here studying me..."

"I'll bring some of my clothes over and set up in the spare bedroom."

"Look, about what the doctor said..."

"Dani, she was right. You are my patient. To be honest, sometimes I like girls too, but I'm not going to give up on boys. You're beautiful, but it wouldn't have been fair to you to do something when I know it could never be serious."

"You are very pretty and seem so sweet."

"This all has to be a big shock to you. It would be natural to get attached to me, but it would be so wrong."

"Let's do our shopping then."

"First, let's get you groomed a bit."

Thalia took me to the bathroom and had me shave my underarms and legs. Felt weird as shit doing that, but nearly every woman I'd ever been with had shaved both, so I did it. I took off my jeans and tee to do both, but Thalia told me to keep my bra and panties on. I've have been happy to get naked for her, but no such luck.

We took my car and went to the mall. Thalia had gotten my sizes from the facility. While I was out, they had given me a number of tests and had measured my body more ways than I could imagine. We hit several stores and I bought jeans and slacks, tees and nicer tops, along with more bras and panties. I passed on high heels, but agreed to a few pair of flats and low heels, along with some nice business wear.

Along the way, Thalia saw a black nice tailored skirt. At first, I thought she was interested for herself.

"You would look so cute in this, Dani."

"A skirt? I don't know."

"Just try it on for me."

I went in the dressing room and put it on. I had some misgivings, I still didn't feel that girly, but when I looked in the mirror, it really looked nice. I went out to let Thalia see it.

"I know you aren't femme, but it is quite flattering, Dani."

"It feels a little odd, wearing a skirt, but it does look nice."

I bought the skirt, along with my other stuff, then Thalia took me over to cosmetics.

"I know you don't want to look like you're wearing makeup, at least not at this point, but we can get you some very subtle stuff that enhances your beauty, without making you look like a slut."

"I don't believe you'd ever try to make me look like a slut."

Thalia smiled and leaned very close to me and I parted my lips, thinking for a second that we was going to kiss me. She pulled back, and looked just a bit embarrassed. She worked with the sales clerk to find some things that worked with my skin color and were not obvious. The clerk put some of it on me, and when she finished, it didn't really look like I was wearing makeup, but somehow I looked prettier.

She spent some time showing me some tricks and techniques for applying it right, and of course I bought it. Hell, at this point, I'd have bought almost anything that Thalia wanted me to buy.

"We don't need to put polish on your nails, but it wouldn't hurt to get a nice mani-pedi."

I felt weird, but let Thalia take me to a salon where both of us got manicures and pedicures. She had a nice subtle color put on her nails, and just had them clear coat mine. After that, she had me buy pads and tampons for when I had a period. She then took me to a hair dresser who 'fixed' my hair, making it look more like a deliberate style, than a slightly grown out mess. She also taught me a bit about how to style my hair.

"Dani, you know it's not just a matter of superficial changes. You have ovaries and a uterus. You're a fully functional female. You'll have periods, and you could get pregnant."

"Not if I don't have sex with guys."

"Don't be so sure you might not be attracted. People born with male parts who get hormone replacement therapy sometimes find themselves attracted to men, even if they weren't before. You're just starting to experience a body filled with female hormones. You may find your attractions shifting a bit."

"I don't think I'm comfortable with that thought."

"We should make an appointment and get you a contraceptive implant anyhow. Safer that way."

We went by her place and she got her car and picked up several changes of clothes. She had a roommate, Veronica who gave me kind of a fishy look.

"So you're moving in with Dani?"

"I'm staying with her for a while as part of a research project."

"Research project - right."

"It's not romantic or physical - besides, since when were you so interested in my social life?"

"Your life, and your right."

"You'll still get my half the rent. I'll probably spend most of the next few months at Dani's place, then part of the time after that."

"I can imagine."

"Look, Roni, my faculty mentor has already threatened me if I sleep with Dani. But she's available, if you're interested."

Veronica looked me over. She was about the same height as Thalia, but with jet black hair straight and coming down to the middle if her back. She had c-cup boobs and a nice ass. She licked her lips as she looked at me, then looked back at Thalia.

"I don't want to get in the way."

"You won't get in my way, but you could end up as part of my research."

Veronica looked shocked and concerned, then shook her head.

"I'll see you around then. It was nice meeting you, Dani."

"Likewise, Veronica."

Veronica scooted back into her bedroom as Thalia gathered her clothes, some books, and her computer.

"You have internet and wifi at your place, right Dani?"

"Yeah, and I have two assigned parking spaces, so you can use one. Doesn't get much use otherwise."

"You mean all your girlfriends flocking to your condo don't keep it filled?"

"Hasn't been used since my little sister came to visit me about six months ago."

"How is your sister going to cope with having a sister now instead of a brother?"

"Shit, never thought of that. Hell, my driver's license says I'm a male named Daniel, and has my old picture."

"We'll get that changed. Just don't get arrested in the meantime."

"I don't have any other siblings, and my parents have both passed already."

"Any other relatives to freak out?"

"A few cousins that I don't see very often anyhow."

Thalia drove her car and we went back to my place. I helped her get her stuff upstairs and put away in what would be her room, at least for the next few months. I was disappointed that Krista had put the kibosh on any potential relationship. Even if Thalia wasn't interested in a long term serious relationship, I had hoped for something.

My office was decent size and I certainly don't use it 24/7, so I let Thalia work out of the office except when I needed it. Though I never saw her make notes during the day, she spent several hours a day writing up what she observed of me. She spent time writing before we went out to dinner. I spent some time catching up on e-mail, voicemail, and texts from the past few days.

I had a number of consulting clients, most of whom I didn't necessarily see in person, just occasionally on phone or Skype conferences. I wasn't sure how most of my clients would take to my change, so I told them that due to a medical issue, I'd be dealing with them through a highly trusted associate, my sister Danielle. Most of them knew I'd been fighting cancer, so it wasn't too hard for them to believe. Definitely easier to deal with them while letting them think I was a middleman.

I did call one client as Danielle, and at first acted much as I normally would, then as they pushed back on a recommendation, I told them that I'd discuss the issue with Daniel, and let them know what he said. I little later I sent an e-mail to the client as Daniel confirming what I'd originally said. Just so they wouldn't think I was someone else using Daniel's e-mail, I asked about one of his kids and how they were doing with a problem he and I had privately discussed previously.

I know sexism exists, but until the client pushed back on Danielle's recommendations, had never faced it head on. Just something I'd have to learn to live with. Pretty obviously I eventually want to turn the business over to myself as Danielle, but I'll have to slowly back out as Daniel, and may need to keep an online presence as him for a while.

I had gotten in my condo okay before, but realized that I needed to tell them that Daniel was going to be away undergoing medical treatment, and while out his condo would be used by his sister Danielle and her friend Thalia. Of course that still left me with the issue of getting new driver's license, passport, etc as Danielle instead of Daniel.

After we'd both done our thing for a few hours, Thalia and I went out to dinner. We hit a nice Italian place near my condo, where I was a regular. At least Daniel was a regular, but Danielle on the other hand was just someone off the streets. I told them I was Daniel's sister and that did help, though they asked how and where Daniel was.

After dinner, Thalia took me to a club, which turned out to be primarily a hangout for lesbians. There were a few gay men there, but not many. She seemed quite comfortable there, but it took me a little while to adjust. We each had a drink then danced with each other, then I in particular found there were several women who seemed to be interested in dancing with me.

I was more interested in spending time with Thalia, but she made it clear she'd brought me there to meet other women who might catch my fancy. Some of the women were pretty butch, but there were some quite feminine women, including some who had an interest in me. I danced, drank, and flirted, as best I could, though I didn't think I wanted to bring anyone home with me that night.

One very butch woman, Roz, I think, seemed quite taken with me for a little while anyhow. She was hanging with Thalia and I after Thalia made it quite clear that she and I were not a thing.

"I normally like more femme types, but you're kind of a powder puff butch, aren't you?"

I wasn't sure what she was talking about, but clearly Thalia did.

"She's still trying to learn who and what she is. I wouldn't go expecting her to get much more femme though."

"Why would that be?"

At that point I was getting a bit tipsy. I couldn't hold my liquor as well as a woman as I had as a man. I was also getting a bit weary of miss 'super butch' Roz.

"Well for one thing, I used to be a man."

The woman's head snapped back around and her mouth was open in astonishment. She looked me up and down. She took a step back before speaking.

"Damn, bitch. They did a good job with you. I'd never have known, at least until I got your clothes off."

"Not even then. She's all woman - all the way."

"I thought you two were not..."

"We're not lovers, but I've seen her naked. She's got no dick - none."

"Honey, you may be cute, but I like my women natural, not artificial."

With that, she turned and walked off. Thalia looked at me, and shook her head.

"Well, Dani, she'll spread the word that you're transgender and that will kill the interest of about half the women here."

"But I am a woman."

"They'll assume you've had gender correction surgery, and too many of this crowd is not comfortable with that."

"There were only a couple who I found at all interesting, and she wasn't one of them."

"I wouldn't expect her to be, but I'm not available, and there aren't many like me."

"I'm not sure I should be taking anyone home at this stage anyhow."

"Well, you made damned sure that was less likely tonight."

We went back to my place after that, and slept in separate bedrooms. I never pushed myself on a woman when I was a man, I sure wasn't going to do it now. Thalia did help me remove my bra, since I still hadn't learned to cope with that. I went to bed in my panties and one of my old long tee shirts. I'd slept alone for some time, but for some reason the bed felt colder now.

...

In my dreams, I was Daniel, again walking on the beach with Danielle.

"You know you've only begun to scratch the surface of what it means to be a woman."

"In some ways, I don't feel any different, I just look different."

"You're starting to act different, and think different, you just haven't noticed it yet."

"That sounds scary."

"It sounds that way, but this is all a learning experience, for us both. I never had the chance to become the woman I could have been and never even learned as much as I should about being a woman."

"So I guess we are both learning."

"And as we do, we become more and more Danielle and less Daniel."

"I don't know if I like that."

We stopped and Danielle stroked the side of my face, and then kissed my cheek.

"Daniel will always be a part of us, and will never disappear, but inevitably, Danielle will become more and more a part of who we are."

"I'm sorry you never got a chance to have your own life."

"I'm getting to have my life now, and starting to struggle with the sexism and misogyny in society and business."

"I never realized..."

"And you still don't know the half of it."

"I've been alone for so very long, which I realize was so wrong for so many reasons. And I want to find love, it's just..."

"You want a woman's love, and you know that is okay with me. Had I had my separate shot at life, I'm not sure which way I'd have swung, so if we can find someone who suits all our needs, that could well be a woman."

"How long will I see you in my dreams?"

"Until the day comes when you see me clearly even when you're awake. And maybe the day will come when Danielle sees Daniel in her dreams instead."

...

As the days passed, I went from thinking of myself as Daniel, in the guise of Danielle, to thinking of myself as being Danielle. Thalia gave me batteries of tests, then spent hours talking about my life, how I felt now, and even my dreams.

"When they first told you what happened, you seriously freaked out."

"I'm kind of embarrassed by that now. It was just such a shock."

"It's not surprising that someone who lived their life as a man for over fifty years would be upset by that. The surprise was how well you accepted it once the initial shock passed."

"What else could I do?"

"That's a rational and reasonable question, but most people would not deal with such things in a rational and reasonable manner."

"Being upset would not change anything."

"No, but many men would continue to be upset and have severe gender dysphoria over what happened."

"What good would that do?"

"None, but that gender dysphoria is what the average transgender person suffers every day that they are misgendered. They know in their head that the body they are in is the wrong one and that causes problems."

"It almost sounds like something is wrong with me that I've accepted this."

"There's nothing wrong with you. You are valid as whatever you accept yourself to be. Now a transgender person who underwent what you did would be ecstatic. A solidly cisgender person would still be deeply upset."

"So what am I, some freak?"

"You're no freak, you're closer to being non-binary. When you had a male body, you accepted that male body. With a female body, you accept that female identity. I think your dreams are telling you something important."

"I've never believed that dreams meant anything."

"In your case, I think Danielle has been part of you all along, though you may never have realized it. In a male body, Daniel was dominant, but now that you are in a female body, Danielle is emerging as more than a fleeting idea or a passing feeling."

"So there really are two of me? I don't want to lose Daniel."

"Daniel will always be part of you, just as Danielle had always been part of you. With fifty years of life and experience, Daniel will never disappear, but in many things, Daniel will take a back seat to Danielle."

"Kind of like multiple personalities."

"Probably more integrated than multiple personalities. It's not a matter of flipping a switch and you turn on one and turn off another. Both of you are there and exerting influence over your thoughts and actions."

"Two personalities in one body then?"

"Look, we all have built in contradictions in ourselves. Those are not distinct people warring for control, they are different traits that express themselves in the appropriate situation. The problems come if they express themselves in an inappropriate situation."

"So I'm both man and woman?"

"We all are in varying degrees, and you always have been. I checked back and found a test you took a long time ago which had a masculinity/femininity index, and even before this, you scored almost exactly in the middle."

"But I was never really sexually interested in men."

"Gender identity and sexual orientation are two completely different things."

"So what am I?"

"You're a human being with all the built in contradictions of that. You are Daniel and you are Danielle. You've always been both, and it's fascinating watching Danielle emerge from the shadows of Daniel."

"I really don't feel like much of anything has changed but my body."

"I see someone who first freaked when they found they were female, then accepted it. Someone who first wanted the most plain and generic undergarments and garments, now is willing to wear things that are prettier and more feminine. Someone who didn't want makeup, but now uses subtle makeup every day, including lipstick with a little color. Someone who only wanted slacks or pants, and now is comfortable with the occasional skirt. Someone who was leery of her first mani-pedi, and now has them put color on her nails. Someone who wanted running shoes and flats, and now wears wedge heels."

"So Danielle is really emerging?"

"But Daniel will never disappear. I'm sure of that. You have too much experience and too many memories to go away altogether."

...

I continued with my consulting, telling clients that Danielle was covering for and consulting with Daniel. A few bailed on me - if they couldn't have Daniel, they didn't want Danielle. Others, once they saw the work and results were still there were quite happy to stay on. Oddly, I picked up some new clients who were happier with Danielle, but had no interest in Daniel.

My lawyer, along with Thalia, Krista, and others helped me get my birth certificate changed from male to female, and helped me get a new driver's license and passport as Danielle. I had previously traveled overseas to some clients in some very misogynistic countries, but those were among the clients who dropped me, and when I thought about it I was happy they were gone.

Thalia and I regularly went back to the club. Some of the women still had zero interest in me, but most of those, I had no interest in anyhow. Once they got to know me, some of the others warmed up considerably. Now I've never been much of one to sleep around or pick people up willy-nilly, and that didn't change. I did begin to occasionally date, most often on a double date with Thalia finding her own date.