Chris and Luke

"I... didn't think... It's all so quick."

"Only because it has to be."

"I know. I keep saying that don't I? 'I know'. But the truth is, I don't. I don't know anything. I'm numb."

"That's very understandable." He patted Amy on the arm, smiling a more subdued smile and then turned and walked away, back in the direction they had come from.

Amy and Luke paused, looking at each other and then opened the door.

Chris was lying curled up on his side on a bed that wasn't a bed in that it was clearly designed to be moved around. His clothes were neatly folded on the seat of his wheelchair and he was covered with a thin white sheet. He looked so... vulnerable.

As they approached the bed Chris stirred and sighed. He opened sleepy eyes and smiled.

"Hey." Luke whispered, trying to smile.

"Hey. Where you been?"

"Oh you know... hanging out."

Chris' smile widened. "This is it then."

"Seems so."

"I'm going to be a cyborg."

"They told you then."

"Of course. I'm not that stupid. I'm not going to go into something like this completely blind. I was kidding about the cyborg though... you know that?"

"Truth? I don't know anything much at the moment. It's just been so fast. I feel as if the carpet's been pulled from under me and I'm flat on my arse."

"Not the most attractive image Luke. I would have thought you could have come up with a better picture for me to take into eternity than my boyfriend doing the dying fly in the middle of the carpet."

"No." Luke said seriously, taking Chris' hand through the rails at the side of the bed. "Because it's not going to happen. We've come too far, been through too much. Over and over I have been telling myself that I have to accept, that I have to acknowledge the fact that I am going to lose you and deal with it. But I can't. I can't deal with it and I won't acknowledge it. You are not going to die Chris; not today, not tomorrow, not for a long time. I won't let you.

"I want to grow old with you. I want to watch you turn into the man I know you're going to be... strong, loving, beautiful. I want to bring up children with you. You would be such a wonderful father. I want to take holidays together, explore the world with you, get pissed with you and embarrass you at weddings... especially ours. I want to live with you and wake up every morning for the rest of my life watching you smile. I want a life with you because without you it won't be any life at all." He lifted Chris' hand to press it against his lips.

Both of them had tears in their eyes and Chris whispered. "I want that too. But I..."

"No. Don't say it. Don't let it in. I believe in you. I have faith in you and in what they can do. That doctor... Forrest. He has such passion for what he does, what they're doing here. You can see it in everything he does, it's in his eyes, just like you're in mine. He loves his work and he believes in it. He won't let you die Chris... and neither will I."

Chris closed his eyes and bit his lip. "I'm so tired Luke." He said simply.

Amy, who had gone around to the other side of the bed stroked his hair gently. He didn't have the energy to turn his head and look at her. "I know honey. I know you're tired. You can rest soon and if all this works out you won't be tired any more. Just hold on for a while, just for a while."

"I'll try."

"I know you will baby. I know you will."

Keeping his eyes closed Chris did his best to squeeze Luke's hand but his fingers barely twitched. Tears trickled from under his closed lids.

"Hey... don't cry. You're not supposed to be crying. You're the strong one remember? You're the one who told me off this morning, who tried to make me promise I would build a new life without you."

"I talk a crock of shit sometimes." He murmured, exhausted from the emotion. Luke squeezed his hand tighter and lowered it back onto the bed. There was no strength in it, no strength in any of him.

For a while they just stayed there, just as they were, saying nothing. Chris drifted while Luke held his hand and Amy stroked his hair.

They all jumped when the door opened. It wasn't Dr Forrest this time but a slightly younger man with tousled yellow hair and a wide friendly smile beneath serious grey eyes.

"Hi. I'm Joel, Joel Pennington. I'm going to assist Dr Forrest today. I'm not a medical doctor, I'm a techie... but a damned good one. I just wanted to tell you that we... all of us are totally committed to this. We all know what we're doing but we've never done it with a human patient before and this... this is a huge day for us all. No one is taking it lightly. We're all ready to put 150% into it. I thought that you might like to know that. No one has ever been more important than Chris is to us right now. We will take care of him. We will do everything we possibly can and more."

Luke stared at him, overcome, but Amy smiled and said a heartfelt. "Thank you."

Joel nodded and smiled. "It's time."

"So soon?"

He nodded again.

"How... how long will it be?"

"Not long. About an hour."

"That's all?"

"Trust me, it will be the longest hour of your lives."

"I don't need you to tell me that. Can we stay here?"

"Well you could... but Chris won't be coming back here. This is just a holding room. We have a much more comfortable room prepared for afterwards. Why don't you go and have a walk around outside? It's a beautiful day. Someone will come and find you when there's news."

"Okay."

Chris woke when Luke leaned down to kiss him, although 'woke' would not have been exactly the right term as he was only barely conscious.

"Is it time?"

"Yes."

"Will you stay with me?"

"I can't, they won't let me. But I won't be far away. I'll be here when... when you wake up."

"But I thought... you said..." For a moment Chris' eyes widened with panic but he controlled it and nodded grimly. "I know. I suppose I won't be alone, not really."

Luke turned his face away and glared at Joel who dropped his eyes. Then he turned back with a smile forced onto his lips. "I'll be with you in spirit, every moment, and I won't be far away I promise."

"I love you Luke."

"I know you do. I've always known. And I love you too... more than... more than..." He had to make an enormous effort to control himself and smile that last smile. "I have to go now. Please don't do anything stupid like... oh I don't know, dying or something."

Chris' lips twitched. "I'll do my best."

With a final smile and squeeze of the hand Luke squared his shoulders and strode out of the room. Amy leaned down and gently kissed her son.

"Take care of him Mam."

"You don't need to ask that. You know I will. Don't worry about anything. Luke is going to be fine. And so are you."

He no longer had the strength to speak and he just nodded before his eyes closed and he slipped away. Amy was crying when she caught up with Luke. He put his arm around her shoulders and they walked together out into the cold winter day.

Joel was right. It was the longest hour of their lives. They ended up sitting in the canteen again, surrounded by the bustle of employees enjoying a break from their busy work day. It was encouraging to see how bright and happy everyone seemed to be. Some of them were having spirited conversations about fine points of their research. It would have been a stimulating environment if either of them had had the heart for stimulation.

They were on their second cup of coffee when the receptionist from the lobby came to tell them that Dr Forrest would like to speak to them in his office.

"Is there news? Is it...?"

"I'm sorry." She said genuinely. "I was just told to find you. I don't have any further information."

"Well how did he look?" Luke persisted as they hurried along after her. "Did he look happy? Sad?"

"He looked tired." She said simply and after that Luke shut up.

He did look tired. It was the first thing they both noticed when they entered the office. However, he rose to greet them and smiled warmly. "Please sit down." He followed suit and ran his hands through his hair nervously. "That was... an experience. I don't think any of us were prepared for how different it would be when it's a human being under our hands. I wouldn't want to have to do that too often, to have the responsibility for a life."

"Please." Amy said simply.

He seemed to shake himself out of a reverie. "I'm sorry." Two hearts stopped. "I didn't mean to keep you hanging." The hearts thumped, just once. "It didn't go as I had expected, or entirely as I would have hoped. Chris' condition was too advanced for it ever to have been simple. There were times when I wondered if we had made the right decision." He frowned in contemplation as Amy and Luke became light headed from holding their breath.

"However, Chris is a strong and resilient young man. There were times when I thought we were going to lose him but he fought back every time and, against all the odds, and to be honest against my own best expectations, he made it."

For a moment the words didn't sink in and then they both started to cry, holding on to each other for support as they sobbed out their relief.

Dr Forrest let them cry it out, smiling indulgently. Eventually he said. "He's not out of the woods yet. These next three days are going to be very difficult for him. He's very tired, almost completely exhausted and the rebuilding process has only just begun and is going to take energy. I am concerned that he may have entirely depleted his reserves and if that's the case there is still a good chance he might slip away."

"What...? I know that before... before the... you said that his chances were very low. Now...?"

"You know that there are no guarantees. I've just told you that there is still a long way to go, and a way fraught with danger. However," he grinned with a spark of his previous enthusiasm, "the chances are much improved; very much improved. I would say... deeply concerned but cautiously optimistic... would be the best that I can do right now."

"Thank you. You have no idea..."

"No thanks required. It was truly our pleasure."

"Can we see him now?"

"Of course. It will be very good for him to have you nearby."

"Is he awake?"

"Not precisely and neither will he be for the next few days. The rebuilding process is radical and will be painful. He'll be sedated and still receiving the muscle relaxants and pain relief. But he won't be wholly unconscious either. I think you will find that he will sleep for most of the time with brief periods of lucidity. But it would be good if someone could be with him most of the time. It was is and will be a frightening process."

"Was he scared?" Luke interjected startled, and surged to his feet. "Is he scared?"

"There was some anxiety, yes. As I explained he was not unconscious throughout the procedure although he was generally unaware of what was happening around him. We did our best to reassure him and keep him calm but sometimes when someone is not really aware of what is happening it is easy to be afraid.

"I think that in the moments when things were in the balance and could have gone either way he knew and yes, he did get frightened, sometimes very frightened but I also think this reaction to that fear...the stubborn refusal to succumb to it was what brought him through in the end."

"And now?"

"When I left him he was asleep, absolutely worn out. We've already started the nanite infusions and they will be working constantly throughout his body to repair the damaged nerves and tissue and so sleep won't really be replenishing for him but at least it will conserve some energy. It's impossible to say what he's feeling underneath, whether there is still fear or relief or... something completely different. I have come to realise even in our short association that Chris is unpredictable."

"Oh yes. He is that.

The room they were led to was very different than the last. It was still large and airy but it was not so bare. On one side was a lounge type area with a long low sideboard bearing tea and coffee making facilities and a telephone, preceded by four comfortable chairs and a low table.

On the other side of the room was the bed which was very state of the art. It made Chris look small and fragile. Relatively speaking he was.

It was hard to know where to touch him as there was so much equipment. Luke was most nervous about the IV's. Joel caught him peering at the bag closely and smiled.

"You won't see anything. They're microscopic." Luke jumped feeling unaccountably guilty and Joel smiled again. "Don't worry, as you can see we aren't taking any chances. He can't blink without us knowing about it. The most minute changes in his body... heartbeat, temperature, blood pressure, blood chemistry... and we'll know about it. He's come so far, nothing is going to happen to him now."

"Is that a promise?"

Joel smiled again. "It's an educated hope."

There were long benches at either side of the bed on which Luke and Amy took up station. Despite the equipment Luke reached out and took his hand. He stirred and it startled Luke, for some reason he hadn't expected him to.

Infinitely slowly Chris forced his eyes open and blinked at Luke. For a moment he looked completely dazed then, slowly he smiled.

"Am I dead?"

Luke smiled and squeezed his hand. "No. You are most definitely not dead."

Chris frowned. "I can't move."

"You couldn't move before so..."

"But I thought..."

"It's not over yet babe. You need more of the little robot things and that will take a while. But it will be over soon. You'll be like the bionic man. 'The will rebuild you'."

"Better, faster, stronger."

"Impossible. They can't improve on perfection."

A fleeting smile flicked over his lips. "I feel... I don't know how I feel... not convinced."

"Not convinced of what?"

"That I'm not still dying."

"Well, it's not over yet. The most dangerous part is but those robots still have a lot of work to do and..."

"It could still go wrong."

Wordlessly Luke nodded. Chris looked at him steadily for a few moments then sighed and closed his eyes. "I'm tired."

"Then you should rest."

"Yes. Is my mother here?"

"Of course I am sweetheart." She leaned forward to brush the hair from his face and his lips twitched. Although he was too tired to smile or turn his head to look at her. He whispered something that Luke had to lean in close to hear. He smiled and gently brushed his lips across Chris' whispering back. "Always." By the time he had finished speaking Chris was asleep again.

The next three days were a living nightmare for Luke. He left the room only for the occasional shower and to use the toilet. Everyone quickly gave up trying to persuade him to go home to rest, especially when the pain started.

Joel, who was there almost as much as Luke was, and Dr Forrest explained that the process of bonding to and repairing the damaged nerves and tissue was inevitably going to be a painful process, but that didn't make it any easier. It is never easy to watch someone you love going through something like that.

After that first day Chris' and Luke's parents took turns in keeping Luke company but half the time he didn't know who was there. Hour after hour, day and night he sat at the bedside holding Chris' hand and trying his best to lend him strength as he fought for life.

Sometimes Chris woke up and he was always afraid. For him it was never just about the pain. He could feel himself changing and, quite apart from the fact that it hurt, it was a difficult process to deal with; mentally and physically. Quite often he wouldn't have the strength to speak but Luke always knew.

"It's alright. I'm here and I will always be here. I've got you. I'll take care of you." But he couldn't. They both knew that. Even in his confused state Chris knew that this fight was his and his alone and it isolated him, as the rapid deterioration of his body had been isolating him for months. He had always known the decline was inexorable and no matter how much he was assured that everything would be alright, that he wouldn't be alone, that his friends and family would be at his side no matter what, and they had been; in the end, in the darkness of the night, there had only ever been him to fight his demons alone.

It seemed to him now that every time he woke it was harder, hurt more and it was more difficult not to slip away. Every time he lost the struggle to stay awake the flash of fear that was the last thing he was consciously aware of grew more intense; the fear that he wouldn't wake up again.

On the day after the operation Chris' muscles started to spasm and twitch again. Not as much as before but enough to scare Luke, especially as it now happened even when he was asleep which had never happened before. Even though both Joel and Dr Forrester tried to reassure him, to convince him that it was all just a natural part of the process he found it very difficult to accept and to cope with.

Sometimes it would be so violent that Chris would wake gasping and sobbing with pain. Never had Luke wanted to hold him in his arms so much, but it was impossible.

By the end of the second day no one was in any doubt that Chris was weakening and the pain was getting worse. He wasn't waking up any more and his body was trembling with fatigue even when his muscles weren't twitching. Everyone spoke in hushed voices and even Joel and Dr Forrest weren't smiling any more. There was an almost oppressive sense of inevitability in the air. The end was coming and it was coming fast. They all knew it.

Luke woke from a heavy, exhausted sleep to darkness. The first thing the noticed was a dull persistent pain which he quickly realised was Chris holding his hand with enough strength to make the bones grind. He almost cried out. The next thing he became aware of was a desperate sobbing whimpering that tore at his heart.

He was on his feet in moments and leaning over the bed. It seemed as if every muscle in Chris' body was in spasm. His back was arched, lifting him off the bed and his whole body was humming with tension. Luke quickly realised that the grip on his hand was merely another example of the painful spasms and entirely unconscious.

As he leaned over Luke saw with surprise that Chris' eyes were wide open and filled with a pain and terror so deep it froze Luke, preventing sound or movement.

"No -- no -- no -- no." The whimpers resolved into breathless words that lengthened into strained moans.

"Chris, Chris I'm here. It's alright I'm here."

"Help. Help me. Help."

Luke realised with horror that the wide blue eyes were empty of everything but the fear and pain he was feeling.

"Chris? Chris it's me, Luke."

With enormous effort Chris turned his head and begged through gritted teeth in a hoarse whisper. "Help me... please." but he was begging the ethers, the human contact. There was no understanding or recognition that it was Luke.

Luke jumped at the touch of an arm around his shoulders. It was Amy's turn to experience the pain of seeing someone you love in extreme distress and not being able to comfort them because they don't know you.

"He doesn't know me." Luke sobbed. "Please, please so something. Make it stop. Make it alright." He was right on the verge of becoming hysterical, but what could Amy do? She wasn't that far away herself.

She too tried to soothe Chris but he didn't recognise her any more than he had Luke.

"Why doesn't someone come?"

"I'll go..." Amy began when suddenly, with a long low moan Chris went completely limp, his eyes closed and an alarm started going off. Amy gave a cry of anguished fear and Luke froze, his heart stopping. Before he could recover the door burst open and there seemed to be people everywhere. Luke and Amy were pushed backwards and stumbled into the seating area, shaking with fear.