Cilantro and Onions

My head knows this of course, but not my heart. And all my heart really succeeded in doing was to put off the inevitable until Tuesday. I still go in at my regular time in the afternoon. The dining room looks sparse, but then again Tuesday is never a really big day in the restaurant business.

"The usual?" she asks me.

I nod, but say nothing.

When she brings the plate out, she puts her hand on the empty chair across from me. "May I?"

I want to say, 'Go ahead, it's your restaurant. Do whatever you want.' But I just shrug instead.

Apparently she takes that as a good enough affirmation, and pulls out the chair to sit down.

"You forgot your money upstairs."

"Keep it."

"It's yours, Angela. It's not a gift. You earned it."

So it's Angela now. What happened to Angel? My darling Angel.

Gabriela keeps looking in my direction, trying to meet my gaze. I try my best to not give her the satisfaction. Finally, she gives up.

"When you're ready to tell me what's got you so upset, let me know. I want to fix this. Whatever it is." She moves to place her hand over mine. I pull away before she gets there. She slides the chair back and makes her way to the kitchen.

I feel my blood beginning to boil. My hands are shaking. I definitely shouldn't have left this to stew yesterday, but it's too late. I take my empty plate and stomp off to the kitchen. Gabriela is busy taking an inventory of supplies in the big commercial refrigerator. I close the door and lean my hand against it.

"You left me," I say. "You paid me, then you fucked me, then you left me. To go to church of all things."

"Angel, honey." She reaches out to me.

I pull away. "Don't call me that."

"Alright. Angela. I did tell you this wasn't going to be easy. This relationship."

"Do we even have a relationship?"

"Angela, that was low. Of course we do. I paid you because you work for me, you help me in ways that you can't even imagine. It's the least I can do.

"And I didn't fuck you, Angela. I made love to you. When you do it to get yourself off, that's fucking. When you do it because you care about someone else, and you want them to feel good... that's making love."

There is a determined line to her mouth as she finishes relaying this bit of information, but her eyes—her lids are turning red-rimmed, and I feel worse than when this whole thing started.

"And I do care about you, Angela. Even if you don't believe it. I would never hurt you. I care about you very much."

What have I done?

"Gabriela, I'm sorry. I—" But I don't get to finish. There's somebody standing at the register, ready to order.

Gabriela and I look at each other and sigh—our conversation on hold—walking off in different directions.

It's not an exceedingly busy night, but there never seems to be enough uninterrupted time to say what it is that needs to be said. So the night goes by with a tight-lipped smile here, and a hesitant glance there, neither of us feeling quite the same as we did before.

At closing, we finally get a chance to talk it out. I text my mom to tell her not to worry, that I'm out with a friend and I'll be home soon. I don't know if she believes me or not, but that's not really on my list of priorities right now.

Gabriela is sitting across from me again, at our little table for two. I rest my hand in the middle and she tentatively touches her fingers to mine. I don't pull back, and finally she's cupping my hand in hers.

"I'm sorry," I say.

"I didn't mean to send you those signals. I can see how you could misinterpret—"

"No, it was my fault. You were right. This isn't going to be easy, is it?"

Gabriela shakes her head.

"Did you mean it? When you said you care about me?"

"Yes. Yes, my Angel, I do."

"I'm not just a—"

"No. Don't say that. Not ever."

Did you even know what I was going to say? Probably. That I'm just a plaything? A quickie? A whore? That's what she was saying no to. "Are we okay?" I ask.

"I think so."

"Good." I am pained by what I have to say next. "I have to go. My mom will be worried."

"I know."

We spend at least thirty minutes standing at the front door, saying our goodbyes. There's a lot of hugging, a few tears, and plenty of reassurances. When I finally leave, I am exhausted, but optimistic.

*

A Special Night

We spend the rest of the week in a fog of lust, sneaking kisses while we can, and waiting for the weekend when I can claim to be staying with a friend again. I've chosen Friday night this time so I won't lose Gabriela to early mass again.

I've got a little something special in mind too. It's taken me a while to get up the nerve, but the web site promised discrete packaging, and I had it shipped to the restaurant instead of home, so as not to raise my mother's curiosity.

I bought myself a strap-on.

Well, it's not for me exactly. I'm hoping that Gabriela will be the bearer and that I will get to enjoy being the receiver. Something that I haven't told her yet is that I haven't had any other lovers and I'm really hoping that she will agree to be the one.

I remember holding that thought in my heart as I stared at my phone, finger hovering over the order button for the web site. I took a deep breath and mashed my finger onto the screen. There's no going back now, I thought, the deed has been done.

*

It's Friday afternoon and I can't stop my hands shaking. Gabriella hasn't said a word about a package coming and I'm left wondering if maybe I got the address wrong. I'm searching through my email for the order confirmation when she presses into me from behind, wrapping her arms around my waist. My phone clatters to the ground.

"Sorry," she says, releasing me.

I stoop to rescue my phone.

"Did it survive?"

I nod quickly and shove the device into my pocket. I'm wondering if she saw what was on the screen.

Suddenly, I'm not as brave now that I'm standing here next to her. It all seemed so logical when I was alone in my bedroom. I would buy the toy, Gabriela would be delighted that I'd chosen her to be the one, and then what? - We'd live happily ever after in her apartment over the restaurant?

I hang my head to study the floor tiles.

"Angel?" I hear. "Can I show you something?"

Oh, dear God, this is it. The package came alright, and she's already opened it. Stupid idea. Stupid.

"I want to show you how to work the register," she says.

I sigh. Oh, is that all?

"I've hired a girl, part-time. The daughter of a friend. She'll start next week, but she's only fifteen, so she won't be working a lot of hours." Gabriela pauses for a moment to scratch the back of her neck. "I'm hoping that she can take over dining room duties and that I can give you some more responsibilities. I'll be paying you, of course."

I say nothing for a time. I'm so relieved that we're not having the conversation about how I dreamed of her taking my virginity, that I don't know what to say.

"Sure," I manage finally. "So, I'd be taking orders?"

"Yes," she says. "It's not computerized, so you'll have to write it down on this pad. Make sure it's legible, 'cause I have to read it."

She's behind me now, leaning over my shoulder as she explains this, but I can hear the humor in her voice and know that she's just teasing me about writing legibly. I can also feel her body pressing into me and it's making my thoughts turn to packages from online sex shops.

"Now, when you enter it into the register, it will calculate the tax automatically, so don't worry about that. But you will need to count out change since most of the customers pay in cash. You okay with that?"

I nod.

"Good," she says, and kisses me on the cheek. "I won't be far if you need help."

I sigh.

"Thanks, Angel," she says, turning toward the kitchen.

"Oh, I almost forgot." She's turns to face me again. "A package came for you today. Doesn't say who it's from. I put it upstairs so it won't get lost."

I shiver. "Thanks."

I think my practicing on the cash resister took about twice as long as it should have. My thoughts kept returning to the package upstairs. There was no getting out of it now.

It was a good night—a busy night. The new girl wasn't starting until next week so it was just Gabriela and me, as usual. Though this time I was able to ring up orders when she was busy in the kitchen. And amazingly enough, she was able to read my writing. I tease her about that as we begin closing down.

After Gabriela thanks me for being such a lifesaver for about the third time, I turn and take her face in my hands. I feel her arms encircling my waist as I press my lips to hers.

"Trying to shut me up?" She smiles. "It's true, Angel. I couldn't do this without you."

"Anything left to do down here?" I manage to ask, though my throat is so tight that I can barely get the words out. I know what is coming next.

"Staying the night?" Gabriela won't meet my eyes. Could it be that she's as nervous as I am?

"If you want me to."

"Yes, Angel. I'd like that very much." She takes my hand in hers and leads me to the stairs.

There is a shower again, of course. She complements me on keeping myself groomed, telling me jokingly that it will save time. I laugh, nervously.

Our time in the cramped stall is more subdued this time around. I tell her that I want to please her, the way she does for me, and she guides my hands to where she wants me to touch her.

With the outside touching, she has me use soap. 'To save time,' she teases. I save a lot of time with my hands on her shoulders, her arms, and finally her breasts. The soapy suds make it easy to glide over her flesh, too feel her nipples hardening under my palms, and between my fingers.

Gabriela turns to let the cascading water wash away the suds while I turn my attention to her marvelous backside. As I kneed her muscular buttocks in my hands, silently hoping that my ass will look this good when I'm her age, I dip my head to her chest.

Gabriela moans, and hugs me tight to her, as I pull a nipple into my mouth and swirl my tongue. I am unsteady on my feet, even though I am the one delivering the pleasure this time instead of receiving. The effect is the same—the blood pounding in my temples, the quickening pace of breath.

I am behind Gabriela now. She has turned and has one hand against the tile wall, fingers splayed. The other hand is on top of mine, guiding me. Her ass grinds against my hips as she reaches to press my hand to her sex. I lean into her, partly to keep my balance, and partly because I want to be as close to her as I possibly can.

She's moaning my name. "Angel, oh Angel." A warmth envelopes my finger as she encourages me to part her. I hold the vision in my mind's eye, her finger riding on top of mine, both being pressed inside her at the same time as she guides me.

Her thighs begin to tremble, just as mine did, as she leads me to the special spot—the place that had my foot pounding on the floor. Gabriela is not quite in such a state, but she is close.

"Mmm, Angel," she moans. "Put your other hand here. Yes, like that. Oh, yes. Right there."

Now her foot is pounding. I smile. I don't have the same level of skill, so I am unable to keep her in a near constant state of ecstasy like she did with me, but I do get to hear her say my name when she goes crashing over the edge. That makes me smile.

"I—I love you," I whisper. There, I said it.

"I love you too, Angel."

She loves me!

*

It didn't take long until we were standing at the foot of her bed again—still damp, but not dripping. I'm holding her hands, but looking at the floor. I know what I want to ask her, but I'm still having a tough time forming the words. The fact that we have professed our love for each other only moments ago buoys my spirits.

I manage to raise my eyes to the point that the almost meet hers. "The package..."

"Yes?"

"It's a sex toy." Now that I've said it, I've lost my nerve, and my gaze returns to the floor.

Gabriela touches her finger to my chin and gently coaxes me to lift my head. "Sounds fun." She lays a peck on my lips. "Do you want to try it tonight?"

I let out a breath that I didn't even realize I was holding until now. I quickly nod.

Gabriela apparently senses that I am frozen in place, too worked up to do much else, so she is the one to fetch the package from were it lies. I can't even bring myself to open it when she asks if I'd like to, so she does that too. My hands are shaking as she rummages around in the packing peanuts to pull the package inside free of the shipping box.

"Oh," she says. "Looks like a nice one. Which one of us is wearing it tonight?"

"Um. I—I was hoping. Gabriela. Would you...?" There is so much more running around inside my head, but that is all I can manage for the moment. Fortunately, I think she understands.

"It's okay" she says. She strokes my cheek with her hand. "Have you ever tried one before?"

This is the moment that proves too much for me. It's not just my hands that are shaking now, my entire frame is trembling. I feel a tear beginning to make it's way down my cheek, and I have no idea why. This is exactly what I wanted, what I dreamed of.

Gabriela wraps me in her arms. "Oh, Angel," she says. She never asks me what's wrong, or why I'm such a mess, she just holds me, waiting patiently for me to tell her—and tell her, I do.

"I've never done it before," I say. "I want to... I can't think of anyone I'd rather..."

"Come here." Gabriela climbs up onto the bed and pulls my hand so that I follow. We are curled up on top of the covers, facing each other and she touches her finger to my cheek.

"Is this for you, Angel? Or is it something you feel like you need to do for me? Because you don't owe me anything, you know."

"For me."

"Okay," she says. "Do you want to talk about it? You seem upset."

I pause and take a deep breath. "I—I've never done it before. I've never really been with anyone else." I feel another tear leaking from my eye, which is not helping.

"But you want to?"

"Yes. I want you to be my first."

Gabriela is running her index finger up and down the length of my arm. It's making me shiver.

"Let's climb under the covers," she says, probably thinking I'm shivering from cold.

In our new arrangement, Gabriela is spooning me. I feel warm and safe. I also feel like a bit of a ham, like I've completely killed the mood now. I had it all worked out in my mind how things would go tonight, and so far it's nothing like I planned.

"I love you, you know." Gabriela's breath is warm on the back of my neck.

"I love you, too. I have for a long time." Somehow it's easier to confess all of this when I don't have to look her in the eye.

"I thought so." She sighs and hugs me. I imagine that she is smiling as she does it.

"Do you want to be on top?" she says. "So you can control the pace?"

I shake my head. "I always imagined it would be you on top, that you would be gentle and give me just what I need, but that you would take something from me, too." I sigh. "Does that make any sense? Any sense at all?"

"Yes." Her hand is on my shoulder, rubbing gently. "You think about surrendering yourself to me. Trusting me to do what's right. Is that it?"

"Yes."

"And you're ready to do that now, Angel?"

"Yes." She called me Angel.

Gabriela disappears into the bathroom for a while. She says that you can't just pop the thing out of the box and go at it like rabbits, that there's preparations to be made first.

When she returns, it's dangling between her legs, and I am lying on top of the bed on my back. It certainly looks bigger than it did on the web site, but I trust Gabriela when she she says she'll be gentle.

For a while we just lie there on the bed, with my legs spread to receive Gabriela on top of me, and that thing in between us rather than inside of me. She is propped up on her elbows and offering me sweet kisses as she begins to rock her hips slightly. I feel the toy leaving a slimy trail of lube on the bare skin of my mound every time she shifts her position.

I weave my fingers into her hair and encourage her to accelerate the kisses, and as the kisses come with increasing frequency and passion, so does the motion of her hips. I wrap my legs around her waist for a moment, to pull her in closer—harder against me. It doesn't take long after that.

"Gabriela," I heave. "I want you."

She pushes herself up to rest her weight on her forearms, and arches her back. I feel our skin peel apart where once it seemed glued together. She's leaning on one only elbow now, reaching down with her other arm to grip the toy that is between us, to guide it where I need it to be.

"Ohhh," passes over my lips in a shuddering breath.

"You okay?"

"Mmm-hmm." I feel my eyelids fluttering as I smile. I feel stuffed. "How much?"

She looks down. "Not even half."

"Oh, God."

"I'll go slow."

"Mmm."

She does as she promised, Gabriela fills me slowly, pausing to let me adjust whenever a shuddering breath leaves my mouth. She's stroking my hair as she looks down upon my face. Her big brown eyes waver just a bit.

I grin. I've never felt so full. My heart is pounding in my chest, but I'm not afraid. This woman I'm lying underneath loves me, and that's all that matters. "I'm ready for more."

"That's all of it," she says. I let out a sigh and Gabriela snickers. "You seem disappointed."

I crane my neck and pucker my lips to beg a kiss from her. She obliges—with a kiss, and something else, a shifting of the hips. It's just a little wiggle, but it's rubbing me so nicely. "Mmm."

The kisses keep coming and soon the wiggles become gentle thrusts. I arch my back. I want more of her. "Oh, Gabriela," I cry. This strikes me as funny. It's started already, I'm calling out her name. I grin a little as she continues moving inside me.

As Gabriela's thrusts become more determined, my eyelids begin to flutter. Each one is punctuated now with a little grunt, though if that grunt is coming from her or from me, I cannot say for sure. Maybe it's both of us in unison. I just know that I'm barely conscious of anything other than Gabriela's thrusts and the things that they're doing to me.

"Harder, baby," I cry out. I've never called her baby before, but it just seems right at the moment. Everything is just perfect—even the sweat I feel on the back of Gabriela's neck as I pull her close is perfect, and the look of passionate determination on her face.

I pucker my lips, hoping to steal another kiss. Gabriela's next thrust hits me like a freight train, and my eyes roll back into my skull instead. There is a constant trembling in my core that is threatening to burst free.

The room is filled with more grunts and moans, the noises of our passion. It smells of sex and sweat. I cup my hands around Gabriela's ass and dig in with my fingers. I'm so close. "Harder," I demand.

Somewhere, Gabriela finds the energy. My body begins to shudder. Where once I was conscious of pleasure, there is only an animal-like drive now, an aching for release. I need to—

"Ohhh! Gaahhh!" These words and others spring from my throat as I am writhing and panting. "Fu— Mmm. Yesss!" And finally I collapse, utterly spent.

"Gabriela," I whisper. She is lying beside me now, still sucking air in great gasps, with our sweat soaked bodies intertwined at the limbs. The toy has long ago left me empty, exiting with a wet slurping sound that would have made me giggle if I had any energy left. "That... That was amazing."

She touches my cheek and smiles. She says nothing, but her eyes crinkle in the corners and I know. I know she loves me.