Coffee & Honey Pt. 01

My life totally fell apart in the new year. My job fired me a day after Christmas and two weeks later my girlfriend broke up with me. She asked me to move out, which was fair, I couldn't pay rent anyway. I thought my life was over, until my friend told me his sister was going out of town for a while. He said she needed someone to watch the house while she was away, no rent because she saw the maintenance of the house as labor, that she was interviewing potential tenants, he told her about my situation and she said she'd love to meet with me, was I interested? Of course I was interested, I had nothing else. So I drove to meet her.

Her name was Nina. She lived in a very nice part of town, lots of trees and old houses, and when I got to the houses it was enormous. She met me at the door. She was very cute, strawberry blonde hair, plump, pink skin, a big smile, and big tits and ass compressed into a little sundress. She invited me in and asked if I wanted coffee. I said sure. She said she could only offer me black, that she had no cream or sugar in the house. I said that was fine. She came back with two mugs, and gave me mine. It was strong coffee but I didn't mind. We chatted for a bit, "oh how did you meet my brother?", "Oh we met in school." That type of thing, Until, finally, she said, "well do you want to see the house?"

She took me around. The place was as enormous as it looked from the outside. It had two bedrooms, both unoccupied, and a third for me. It had a huge living room and kitchen. But before we got to the bathroom, she stopped me outside the door. She said, "Before we go any further, something weird you have to know about this place is there are no toilets. The same is true for basically all the houses in the neighborhood. They're really old and so I guess they're from before when toilets were invented? I don't know, there's a sink and shower and everything. And there's always the woods if you need to, but I just try to go while I'm out. Is that a dealbreaker?"

I thought about it. Living in this nice house, rent-free. I decided I could go in the woods a couple of times, especially since I had nowhere else to go. "That's fine," I said. She showed me the bathroom, it was as she said, sink and shower, but where the toilet would be, there was a bowl in the tile, like a seat. There was also metal ringlets on the wall and floor that looked sort of like restraints. She said, "Yeah I don't know what that is. Probably for an old-timey appliance. It's too expensive to have it removed so I just leave it there." She was cute and bubbly, so I believed her. Finally she wanted to show me the basement.

We walked down a flight of stairs to the basement and she opened the door. It was really cold down there, and she muttered, "goddamn it, the heater must've gotten unplugged." She fumbled for the lights and turned them on, and I saw a regular unfurnished basement. The heater she was talking about was up on a ledge a little bit out of reach, and it was indeed unplugged. She said, "I know we just met, but do you mind giving me a boost to get up there?" I was trying to be as accommodating as possible to nab this place, so I complied. I netted my hands and she stepped into it and then I lifted, and she grabbed onto the ledge. She wobbled a bit and I grabbed her other leg to steady her. It ended up that I was holding one foot in each hand, with my head inside her sundress, right up against her big pink ass, in floral print panties. "Oop I'm sorry," I said.

"It's fine this will only take a minute." I could feel her fumbling around up there. As far as I was concerned, she could take along as she wanted. I had just gone through a break up and this was just what I needed. She said, "I'm sorry, I have to adjust my weight." Then, she sat back a little, pressing her ass into my face more. "Are you ok down there?" she asked. I tried to answer even though my mouth was basically full of panty. I opened my mouth and said "I-", but was interrupted.

BRAAAAAAAAPTTTTTTTHHHHHHBBBBBBBBBB!!!! She farted the longest, nastiest, truck stop mens room fart I've ever heard in my life right into my open mouth. The taste and smell were unbearable. It smelled like she'd eaten a lot of hot dogs and it even sort of tasted like hot dogs, mixed with rotten eggs. I dropped her immediately, coughed and almost puked. She said "Oh My God, That was so embarrassing. I'm so so sorry. I swear that never happens. Are you ok?" I was ok. I was better than ok. Nina didn't know this, but this was the type of thing I always fantasized about, but never had the courage to admit to anyone. I curled up in the fetal position, pretending to recover, and flipped my hard dick into my waistband. "Yeah I'm ok. It's totally fine," I said. I looked up at Nina. Her face didn't match her concerned tone of voice. It looked like she was studying me.

"Are you sure?" she asked "I completely get if you don't want to live here anymore."

"No, yeah, it's fine. Just text me and let me know if I got it."

I went home and beat off furiously while my ex was out of the house. A few days later I got a text from Nina. The house was mine.

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I moved in two days later. I couldn't believe my luck. I did immediately notice a couple things about the neighborhood, however. First of all, I never saw any other men. It was all women, some of them moms with small children, who I suppose could've been boys. But no adult men. The other thing was, all these women were rich and beautiful. They were all between 25 and 40, probably, or else they looked it. I could tell from their clothes and cars they were very successful. They were constantly out jogging or chatting with each other. I did my best not to ogle them and instead wave and be friendly. They were always very friendly with me, which felt good.

Eventually one day, I struck up a conversation with my neighbor, who's name, I discovered was Amanda. She was a brunette, taller than me, with facial features like a fox. Leggings hugged her wide hips and round ass. We chatted for a bit and she really seemed to like me. She told me she was in entertainment law and asked what I did. Embarrassed in front of this successful lady, I told her I was unemployed. She was shocked.

"How can that be? A charming boy like you? I should just hire you to be my gardener. Can you do that?"

"Yeah, sure." I was ready to take anything. "How much would you pay?"

"How does $5000 a week sound? Fair?"

My jaw hit the floor. That was more than I'd ever made at any job. I immediately accepted and she told me to come back tomorrow at 10. When I got there the next day, she had all her equipment out. Her yard wasn't even that large, so I didn't think it would be that much work, but after a couple hours of mowing and pulling weeds in the sun, I was tired and thirsty. Amanda came out of her house and asked if I'd like a glass of lemonade, which sounded incredible. She said, "coming right up" and went back inside her house for a bit.

When Amanda returned, she had a glass in her hand, but it didn't look like any lemonade I'd ever seen before. It was a brownish yellow, filled to the top, with a huge head of foam like a beer. She walked up and handed it to me. It was warm to the touch. It smelled like piss.

I had no words. "I-- Uh--" I sputtered out.

"What's wrong? You don't like my lemonade? I squeezed it fresh for you."

"No, uh-"

"You know, honey, I've been very generous with this job, but easy come easy go. I don't know if I could work with someone who so rudely rejects my generosity. If you like this job, I suggest you drink the lemonade."

I was speechless, but my dick did all the talking for me, tenting up my pants, which she obviously saw. She said, "Maybe you need a little incentive for your first time" and crossed behind me. Grabbing my hand with the glass of "lemonade" with one hand, and slipping her other into my shorts, grabbing my penis. She moved the glass to my mouth and instructed, "drink." I reluctantly opened my mouth and took a small sip, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it wasn't good. The worst part was the foam, for some reason. She was clearly not satisfied with my small sip, and started tipping the glass until I was chugging her piss. All the while, she wildly stroked my dick, spitting in her hand for lubricant. Finally I finished the glass and came in my pants. She slipped her hand out of my pants and grabbed the glass from me. I was so humiliated. She looked at me and said, "Excellent. I'll squeeze you a glass or two of lemonade every time you work for me." I was too much of a coward and too horny to say no, so I came back the next day, and the next, and the next, over and over. I probably drank gallons of her bitter piss. She drank a lot of wine and didn't hydrate well, I found out.

But one day, she said, "Hey, Honey, you look hungry. Why don't you come inside? I made brownies." I was terrified, because I was pretty sure I knew what that meant. My worst fears were confirmed when I walked in her house and was immediately hit with the overwhelming smell of shit. The oven timer went off, and she rushed to the oven and opened it up, and the smell of shit, like a porta potty on a hot day, wafted out of the oven on a warm wind. I gagged. She pulled a tray out and said, "these have to cool, but don't worry, there some that are hot and fresh. She grabbed me a plate, and then cut into another pan. I saw there were six pans of brownies in total. "Don't worry about having too much. I made plenty." She dropped a plate of five hot, gooey brownies in front of me. They smelled like a sweet turd. "Eat up," she said, and smiled at me. She pushed the plate closer.

"Won't I-- Won't I get sick?", I asked.

"I'm insulted. Now I'm going to make sure you clean the plate. C'mon."

I looked at the plate suspiciously. I gabbed the smallest one and took the tiniest bite I could of the corner. It was certainly the worst tasting brownie I ever had. It wasn't inedible, but it wasn't good. There was chocolate in there, but there was definitely also poop. My stomach did little twists trying to reject it, but I held it down. She watched me closer as I slowly took a bigger bite and got a mouthful. She said, "I hope you like them. I spent two weeks saving up... 'brownie batter' in order to make them. I have enough that you can have a plate every day for the next month." My eyes went wide. I wanted to object but my mouth was filled with chocolate and her putrid shit. It was like I had a mouth full of stinky glue. She grabbed the biggest brownie and shoved it in my mouth. My jaw hurt. She said, "Oh you look thirsty. Let me get you a glass of lemonade." Amanda went to the dishwasher, grabbed a huge beer stein, then walked right up to me at the table. She hiked up her skirt until I could see her hairy pussy, then she put one leg on the table, and pissed smelly, foamy piss into the beer stein until it overflowed. "I don't like to let anything go to waste, by the way." And over the next four hours, she proved it. I ate the whole plate of poo brownies and drank the whole stein of piss. She even made me lick the spilled piss off the floor. I started crying after the third brownie, but I came back the next day.

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I was beginning to wonder what exactly my relationship was to Amanda, and in fact I was about to ask her if she was my girlfriend, but one day she showed me, very clearly, what I was to her. I had very little work to do and finished in an hour. She was sitting on a lounge outside, reading a book, wearing a tennis skirt and a tank top. I heard a little pfffttthh and saw her make a face. She called me up to the porch, and said, "I went to my church's Chili Cook Off last night and I have terrible gas. I don't know what I was thinking, I had a full bowl of every single chili, there were almost 30, and it really stinks. I can't concentrate on my reading and I have book club tonight. I need something to absorb the farts. You're clearly not doing anything, and I don't pay you to just sit around. You're going to get under me with your mouth open and suck up everything I fart out. Clean me, if necessary."

On one hand, I wanted to be in a relationship with this woman desperately. But it was pretty extreme to eat her ass right here in broad daylight and I had never fully tasted unfiltered fart before. It might be too much. "Won't the neighbors mind?", I asked. "They won't notice at all. Lie down, honey." I was stuck so I did what she told me and lied down on the chaise lounge. She took duct tape off of my work belt and taped me down tight to the chaise lounge, wrapping the whole roll of duct tape around me a couple of times."This is so you don't squirm." She quickly straddled me, undid my belt, and pulled my pants and underwear down. Bbpthpthhhh. She let a languid fart out and I got to smell what I was about to taste. I sorta smelled like the ground beef at Taco Bell, but with a little note of diarrhea in there. A light breeze grazed my exposed dick and balls. "And this is so you don't close your mouth." She turned back and looked at my terrified face, and said 'Because if you do, I'll punch you in the balls." She taped down my feet at the ankles, and then moved back into position, with her ass over my face. She pulled her thong to the side, and I saw her ass was a little hairy as she lowered her asshole to my lips. I reluctantly opened my mouth as wide as I could, fearing testicular retribution. She lowered until there was a vacuum seal between my mouth and her ass. Then she sat her whole weight on me and it started.

I don't know how long it lasted, I can only remember how it tasted. As if to show me what I was in for, she let out a big one first. BRAAAAAAAPPPPPPPTTHHTHTH. It was like someone breathing their rancid breath directly into your mouth, but somehow felt more poisonous, more toxic. Her farts were spicy and meaty in the worst way. They lingered on my tongue. I swallowed the fart in my mouth down in big gulps of air and managed not to puke. The next one came shortly after. Pbthhhhhhh. "Don't swallow yet. Savor it." I did as I was told. "Ok swallow and clean me." I tried to make a sound in protest underneath her, but I felt her hand touch my balls and I shut up quick. I cautiously moved my tongue until I was licking her asshole, it tasted like sweat and shit, and it left a spicy slime on my tongue. PRThbbbbbthth. She let one out right on my tongue. I retracted my tongue instinctually, but she told me "I didn't say you could stop," so I put it back. This went on and on, and whenever I thought I had tasted the worst of it, she let out some new nasty flavor that changed my perception of how bad things could taste. Eventually she let out a real wet one, with a BRApppthpthpthp, and I felt something liquid hit my tongue. "Uh-oh. You better hope I don't have an accident."

I started to get really scared. What did I get myself into? But I was saved by another voice. "Hey, Amanda, what are you doing?", asked an unknown voice.

"Hey, Cammie, the chili cook off last night gave me the worst farts, so I'm farting into my gardeners mouth so I don't have to smell them."

"Oh, that's smart. I ate so much chili last night, my stomach feels like its gonna explode. I took a huge shit this morning and it was all mush." She laughed. I'd never heard women talk about their shit like this.

"Do you want to try him out? He doesn't necessarily belong to me."

"Oh, I don't know if that would be such a good idea. I was out of toilet paper, and didn't wipe. I'm kinda a mess down there."

"That's fine," said Amanda, "He's learning to love the taste of dirty ass, aren't you honey?" To punctuate this point, she let out another wet PARBthbthbthbt into my mouth. "He's ready."

"Ok, if you say so," said this "Cammie", and Amanda got off my face. I saw Cammie for the first time, she was short and stacked, had dark hair with purple streaks. She unbuttoned her jeans and took them off with her panties, right there on Amanda's porch. My dick was rock hard and my mouth was still filled with the rancid taste of ass and farts. Cammie straddled me this time, and I immediately saw (and smelled!) what she was talking about. Her cute little ass was covered in brown crust and it stunk like shit. She let out a quick toot in my mouth to get started. Pweeeeeeeeeth. Her farts tasted different from Amanda. More Burger King and less Taco Bell. "I want to be totally clean when I get up," she said. I started frantically licking her dirty ass and the brown crusts started to come off on my tongue. It was earthy and bitter. All the while, her ass shot farts into my mouth like a machine gun. PBpthbth. BRAPTHHH. BPthooooort. PTTTTHHHHH. I lost track of time. I might've passed out. At a point, she said, "ok I think I'm all out," and got up.

Amanda wasn't done, though apparently. She said, "watch this, we're gonna give him a real treat," and she positioned her pussy over my open mouth and began to piss. It seemed like she was never going to stop pissing. Thought I was going to drown. But after a while she stopped. She sat back down on my face for a bit and gave me a couple of stinky, farewell farts, while she quickly jerked me off. After I came in her hand, she took the tape off and sent me home without my pants.

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The day I stopped being Amanda's gardener went like this: I showed up to her house as usual, but I didn't see her anywhere. Eventually, I heard her calling me from behind the house, so I went back there. I found her squatting and explosively evacuating her bowels on the ground. There was already an enormous pile of mucky, soupy shit on the ground, probably the size of my head, and it was growing rapidly, as she shit ropey, wet mounds with a revolting PLorp Plorp Plorp. Her piss shot out in spurts. The smell was unbelievable. She said, "I'm sorry, honey, I had a whole pot of French Onion Soup last night, and I realized I'm out of toilet paper." She looked at me expectantly. "Oh, I uh--" 'You need to lie down here and lick me clean," she continued.

She beckoned me over and she pointed to the pile of shit on the ground. "Lay down," she said. Surely she couldn't be serious! But the look in her eye told me it was nonnegotiable, so I laid down, with the back of my head resting on her turd-swamp. The shit smelled strongly of onions. It stuck to my hair. She slowly lowered her dirty ass towards my mouth and I extended my tongue. Her beautiful butt was a total mess, liquid shit had splattered across her pale white cheeks, and a soft chunk was stuck in her hairy crack. Was I really going to take all this in my mouth? I had no time left to decide. She was on top of my face. First, I licked the splatters, which ended in nasty little shit-pebbles. Then I decided to take on the soft chunk stuck in her crack. I grabbed it with my tongue and swallowed it. My tastebuds were in panic mode, my eyes teared up. Finally, I licked circles around her shitty, hairy asshole, until it was spotless, and stuck my tongue deep inside.

She moaned. Then, above me I heard Amanda's stomach rumble, and her asshole started to expand. She let out some putrid onion-y gas on my tongue but she wasn't done and I knew it. I tried to escape but her full weight was on my head, and I was pinned between a beautiful ass and massive pile of shit it produced. Her asshole expanded wider and wider, until a torrent of mushy liquid shit hit my mouth, filling it almost instantly. "Oops" she said, "guess I wasn't quite done.' She pissed on my forehead to add insult to injury. She got up and stood above me, looking down on her toilet. My mouth was filled with shit and it covered the bottom half of my face. I blinked piss out of my eyes. She said 'good news. You're getting promoted. Tomorrow I'm taking you to my church and you're getting a job there. Now were going to sit here until you swallow all of that." And we did.