Cognitive Dissonance

"Can I tell you tomorrow?"

"I have to RSVP the organisers, so will you let me know by tomorrow morning?"

"Yes, now get some sleep, have lots of very sweet dreams. Good night, my friend."

When I woke up there was text message, "Yes, I will come with you. I am nervous but I know I have someone who will look after me."

I reached her place a little before 7 in the evening. We had decided to have small snack before leaving. She opened the door.

"Wow!" I said, performing a weird twist of my body. She looked amused.

"That is my heart performing a Kulbit," I said.

"What is that?"

I gesticulated with my hand, an aircraft performing a very tight inside roll. And then I gripped both her arms.

She had on this dark brown saree with intricate thread-work done on it, a matching high back blouse with a deep 'V' neck. Her saree Pallu covered her cleavage entirely, leaving a lot to the imagination. And her hair, there were so many strands that looked absolutely out of place and yet each one of them was exactly where it should be.

"What do you call this hair style, Neeraja?"

"It is called a messy bun, do you like it?"

"A lot of guys are going to swoon tonight."

"Don't be silly, you didn't!"

"Why do you think I am holding on to your arms, Neeraja?"

"My God Agni, you have grown to be such a charming young man, you flirt so deliciously."

I wanted to say something cheeky, but I decided that there was a lot of time for a lot of things to be said.

"I don't want to mess up with your dress and make up, but can I get a small light hug?"

She gave me a light small hug and topped it with a wet kiss on my cheek.

"Mmmmm, that was lovely...."

We bit into some bread pakodas, she fixed her lipstick, and then we both used some cool mint oral spray and we were ready to leave. I took my phone, held it in my outstretched hand and looked at her. She held my arm and nodded her consent, and I took a couple of selfies.

As we entered the lobby, she was holding on to my arm. I caught our reflection in the long mirrors on the side. I knew I was going to be the most envied man at the party tonight.

The guys started coming in, there were introductions, handshakes and fist bumps and everyone had something to say.

"Where have you been hiding her till now Agni?" asked one. "Welcome Neeraja, your hairdo is so wonderful," said the wife of another officer. And so the banter went on. We worked our way to the other end of the hall, I started showing Neeraja some paintings that hung there, describing various war and military situations, when Group Captain Vikram Malhotra and his wife Madhu walked in.

I took Neeraja's arm and whispered, "We need to be there, the big boss has arrived and there are some protocols to follow. Just stay with me, I will introduce you to them."

Of course Group Captain and his wife knew every person in the crowd, Neeraja was the only new face.

Madhu took to Neeraja instantly, She hugged her lightly, blew some air kisses and said to her.

"You are indeed very beautiful Neeraja," and turning to me, she asked, "Where did you find her, young man?" I started to stutter, that question put me absolutely off guard, when Neeraja smilingly chimed in with a tinkling laugh. "Actually, It was I who found him, and you will never guess where!"

"Where indeed?" Guffawed Group Captain Malhotra, as he put his arm possessively around his wife.

"You won't believe this, but I found him in the supermarket, right between the detergents and the deodorants!"

"Oh I can believe that," said Madhu, looking fondly at her husband, "I found Vikki in a garment store! He was all dressed up in his uniform and peeking at me from behind a pillar. My Flight Lieutenant of those days was so naive, he didn't know there were so many mirrors inside the store and I was watching him all the while."

Then she turned to me. "So how long have you been friends?"

"Our first movie date was three days ago Ma'm, on Wednesday last."

"Oh, that way? Well, I promise you, none of the ladies and gentlemen here will mind if both of you dance exclusively with each other this evening, but before that, you stay and talk to the group captain and your buddies, I am going to keep your girlfriend with me for a while, and I am going to reveal to her all your darkest secrets."

So all of us were generally having some fun and light hearted conversations. Due the very nature of our top secret work, we would hardly talk shop.

We danced, holding each other close, and for a while I tried keeping the lower portion of my body a bit away from her, but eventually I gave up. If she feels my hard on, I decided, I will apologise to her after the party. But Neeraja seemed to be enjoying herself after her chat session with the boss' wife. And she kept looking into my eyes with that flirtatious half smile playing on her lips.

Group Captain was getting a little tipsy, but I was not worried. He had a chauffeur driven car due to his seniority and rank, so he won't be driving. But he did say, "Agni, my boy, seeing you and Neeraja reminds me of the days I was courting Madhu. I know you have just started dating her, and nothing would make me happier if you guys make a great life together."

Well, that was as nice thing to say, here I was, slowly falling in love with a woman who was my crush since I was sixteen, and wondering all the while of she will ever fall in love with me.

After dinner, as we were driving back after bidding everyone goodbye, Neeraja looked at me and with a laugh she remarked, "Someone was very naughty while dancing with me all evening."

"When you get to hold someone, so beautiful, so sexy, so intelligent and so loving in your arms, some parts of your body stop listening to your brain. But I am truly sorry Neeraja, but you know how it is. You are just so irresistible."

"Why do you apologise, I did not say that I did not like it, did I?"

I parked her car, and escorted her in. "I know it is late, you have to get back to an early day tomorrow, but share a quick cup of coffee with me," she said.

Another 30 minutes and I was ready to leave. We held each other for a long time, just like the Wednesday before, and then I moved towards her to kiss her. My heart was fluttering, this would be my first kiss ever, when she placed her fingers on my lips.

"Okay, missile man, your missile may be armed, but my radars still need some time to identify you completely." She must have sensed the disappointment in my eyes.

"It is not that I don't want to, Agni, I need to sort out a lot of things internally, but yes, you can kiss me on my cheeks."

I did as she wished, and then went on to kiss her neck, her eyes and forehead, and I nibbled at her ears. Then she pushed me away gently. "Get going now, and you know the routine, call me to tell me that you have reached safely, and plan our next Wednesday outing. Yes, I know... both of us are going to miss each other terribly tonight, but you, my impatient buddy, need to be patient with me."

I hugged her again, and then with a "Bye Neeraja, my dear friend," I put on my helmet and started my scooter.

What we both didn't know then was that there would be no date next Wednesday.

Waiting

******

The sortie on Tuesday went horribly wrong. It was the skills, experience and training of Group Captain Vikki Malhotra that brought us down safely. As soon as we jumped off the aircraft, I ducked under the wing to inspect the pylon were the missile had been mounted. The base crew rushed in with their equipment and I specifically asked for some photographs of the lugs and relays from particular angles. I knew I had a couple of long nights of analysis and simulations ahead.

Group Captain put his hand around my shoulders as we walked back to the de-briefing room. "You did well up there son, anybody else would have panicked."

"No sir, I had my onboard devices plugged in and recording, I knew you would take care of the aircraft. But yes, when we were coming out of that spin, for a moment I thought we would die. Stupid of me, but I can't lie about this. And that Air Traffic Controller when she cleared us to land, I thought it was Neeraja talking to me."

"And I thought it was Madhu talking to me. Happens sometimes son, with those G forces, we would have been on the verge of a grey out, the brain just about getting enough oxygen. But take my advice, leave these death thoughts out of your debriefing reports and statements. I want you and only you with me in our next test run, I know you and your team will lick this problem." And we smiled and bumped fists.

By the afternoon, I was on a conference call with my office in Germany, we were running new simulations and analysing all possible points of failures. Early evening I picked up my phone from my locker. There were 8 missed calls from Neeraja. I checked with the board, they said she had called and asked about me and they had told her I was in a conference call.

I called her, she came on the line screaming.

"Agni where are you, I have been having this crazy uneasy feeling about you since 9:30 in the morning." Words stuck in my throat, that was the time the sortie had started to go haywire......"

"Agni, are you there, are you okay?"

"Yes, Neeraja, I am fine. I was busy with some con-calls and analysis. A sortie this morning went wrong, but no one was injured, nothing was damaged."

She was sobbing now. "It was your sortie, I know it, don't lie to me, tell me the truth."

"It was Group Captain and I, Neeraja, he is the best test pilot around, he got us down very safely."

"What happened up there?"

"I can't talk about it now, you know how confidential these things are, but I will give you a general picture once I get home."

"Are you in hospital? Are you hurt? Is Group Captain hurt?"

"No one is hurt, Neeraja, but yes, our egos are, neither of us like a goofed up mission, though I don't think it was either of us at fault."

"Fuck your weird sense of humour." I could detect a sense of relief in her sobs. "Come home to me immediately, come to me now."

"I want to, Neeraja, I want to see you, be with you. But I have a duty to perform. I have to be at the base overnight and tomorrow too possibly. I will take a day off after that. Our Wednesday date will have to be on Friday. Just make any plan you like and take me away with you."

"I am worried sick about you and you talk about a date? Stop it Agni, just come home as soon as you can. I understand you will be busy, but at least text me once in a while."

"I will Neeraja, don't worry about me, I am fine. I have to go now...... and Neeraja......"

"Yes, Agni?"

"I love you."

"Oh my god Agni, I love you too, I love you very much."

"Bye Neeraja"

"Bye Agni"

I texted her periodically and then on Friday at 4:00 AM I sent her a message, "I will be with you in another 4 hours, can you fix me a huge breakfast? I am very hungry."

A half hour later I got a reply. "Come as soon as you can, I have waited too long."

She was standing at the gate and when she saw me at the end of the road, she opened it so that I could ride straight into her driveway. By the time I dismounted and parked my scooter, she had run up to me and was hugging me and crying.

I waited for the sobs to subside, but they wouldn't. I just picked her up and stepped into the house.

"I am okay now, sweetheart, I really am." Then I put her down and started kissing her face. "I thought tears were salty, why are yours so sweet?" I asked.

The smile on her face was back. "My incorrigible flirt," she whispered as she clung to me again.

After what seemed to be a very long time, I slowly ventured, "Neeraja... breakfast... I am so hungry."

She pulled me to the dining table. "I have delicious steaming idlis in the casserole, I made them just a few minutes before you arrived. There is fresh sweet lime juice and I will make you some delicious masala dosas by the time you are done with your idlis."

"No!" I held her hand. "You are going to sit with me and eat with me. Then I will stand next to you in the kitchen with my plate and have my dosas from your hot live dosa counter."

"Look at this man," she said. "Show him some affection and care and he starts bossing over you."

I broke a piece of idli, dipped it into the sambhar and then before she realised what I was up to, I popped it into her mouth. We ate the idlis together.

We washed our dosas down with some strong coffee. Then we sat on the couch in the living room. I just flipped over and lay down with my head on her lap.

"Hold it, get up for a moment," she said and then she rushed to the guest room and returned with a couple of pillows. She placed the pillows on her lap and then pulled me down. Now my face was much closer to hers. She put her left arm under my shoulders and with her right, she started running her fingers through my hair.

"You scared me, I have never felt so much fear and anxiety before."

I caught her hand that was ruffling my hair and brought it to my cheeks. And then I moved it to my lips.

"What happened up there Agni?"

"It was a routine sortie. We were testing a missile. The missile normally separates from the pylon in the wing, drops down a few meters and then ignites and homes in on its target. It is held by three lugs. Two detached from the wing, the third one didn't, and no matter what we did, it wouldn't separate.

It was sticking out at an awkward angle, we wouldn't be able to land with it still attached to the wing. Luckily, the weapon was not armed. But it was mostly under the wing, so I could not get a visual sighting.

We were anyway testing over the sea, the coast is less that 100 nautical miles from the base. There was no human habitation or shipping routes below us, if only we could eject the damn weapon. It would fall harmlessly into the waters and the navy and coast guard would retrieve it.

We discussed it, if we could generate enough centrifugal force on the missile, it may break free since it was attached only at one point. If we carried out a steep Vertical Charlie, it should happen, the probability that it would hit our wing was less than 10 percent by my estimate. The aircraft would be spinning and moving up very fast and gravity would immediately start pulling the ejected missile down and away from us."

I looked at Neeraja, she was actually white in the face. I touched her cheeks and stroked them till the colour started to return.

"What happened then?" she asked.

"Group Captain pulled off that manoeuvre. I could feel those G-forces build up in my G suit. The missile broke free, we felt that thud. And we started levelling out.

Then I heard the Air Traffic Controller say, 'Test E-1, you are cleared for emergency landing on runway two, report for debriefing on landing...'

And then we were shrieking and pumping our fists at the sky.

Neeraja hugged me close to her and she rocked me like I was a baby. And I was conscious that my nose was in her cleavage and her breasts were on both my cheeks.

After a long time she looked into my eyes. "You said on the phone that you love me. Was it just a spur of the moment impulsive statement?"

"I have lived with this cognitive dissonance for so long, that my mind can handle such dissonances very well. I had this crush on you Neeraja, since I was sixteen and I could never stop dreaming about you. Yet, I could never let you be in my fantasies, because though I used to spend six hours a week studying with you, I also spent a couple of hours every Saturday with Sir helping him with his gardening. He was so friendly with me, he too taught me so much. He was this walking, talking encyclopaedia. He could discuss politics, sports, gardening, space, physics, philosophy.... and you, my teacher, belonged to him. I could not violate his trust, and yet I wanted to love you and make love to you, at least in my dreams. I ended up pushing you out of my mind. And now, with him gone, I could finally make space for you in my head.

I have this same dissonance with my work. I know I can get a missile winging to its objective, and I can do it so well. I can track the missile till it reaches its target and then my job ends. Yet I know, the next moment there will be havoc. The target will be destroyed, things will burn and explode, people will die, some mercifully, will die instantly and some will suffer maybe for days, even years. For some, they will be enemy, or terrorists, to others they will be fathers, mothers, siblings, friends, teachers, even heroes. These things hurt me, yet I cannot be hurt. My weapons must kill and kill ruthlessly.

Can you understand this Neeraja? I have loved you for eleven long years, silently, stealthily, with guilt. When we were going into that spin with a weapon stuck weirdly to us, I thought I will die, and the only image that was in front of my eyes was yours. When we were landing, the controller's voice sounded like that of a woman I love so crazily. It was definitely because there was less oxygen reaching my brains, I was surely beginning to hallucinate, but I like to believe you were there with me, willing me to come back to you.

Not loving you was never an option Neeraja, and loving you was never a choice. My DNA is programmed to love you and only you. I was too scared to tell you earlier, I worried I might lose you, or worse still, you will reject me, but now I know, I will never lose you."

"I thought that man messed up my life," her face was angry now, "knowingly or unknowingly, he screwed up yours too."

"Who and what are you talking about, who messed up your life, Neeraja?"

"Your beloved 'Sir,' who else? I did not tell you the whole truth when I mentioned to you that he died in an accident. But I think a lot of things will fall in place once you listen to my story......"

Now it was my turn to be aghast. That sarcasm, that spite in her tone and on her face was so obvious, yet so out of place. And I always thought she loved him, probably still loved him.

"We were married five years," she began, "it was a marriage arranged by our parents and we sort of got used to each other. It seemed that over time, we loved each other. And we were trying desperately to have a baby. But it just wasn't happening and my physician referred us to a fertility clinic.

They wanted to do some tests, I was ready, but they also wanted his semen sample for analysis. He was reluctant to provide one, I guess it is that ego that men have, you cannot question their masculinity. This went on for a week and I put my foot down. Reluctantly, one morning, he provided the sample. I took it down to the clinic, and put myself through the tests they wanted to do on me. It should have struck me then that he did not accompany me to the clinic that day, but everything comes to you only in hindsight.

That evening he sat me down and opened up. He was in love with someone else, someone from his organisation though not from his department. They had been together often. I guess sometimes, when men travel outstation on work, this is that work. She was expecting his baby. He wanted a divorce.

He had it all worked out. The house would be mine, though half of it was already mine, I too had paid for it. There would be a lump sum payment that would take care of my expenses, or in case I preferred an alimony, that too could be worked out. He would do anything, to avoid a messy divorce......"

"That was shit, what did you do?"

"That night, for the first time I slept in the guest room. Slept is just a word, I lay awake crying. What had I done wrong? Was it because I could never have a baby? Or was it that he just needed some excuse to get rid of me. I was obviously wrong in assuming he loved me.

I made him his breakfast the next morning and he drove off to work. Next thing I knew, I was in the morgue identifying his body. Except that next to his was another corpse. They wanted to know if I recognised her. But I had never seen her before.