Comforting the Brothers Pt. 02

This is a two-part story about a transgendered (mtf) firefighter. It will cover, both her journey to realizing who she is, and how she and other firefighters deal with a tragedy.

*

After my first venture out it to the real world with Sally, I knew I would have to do that again. For the next six or so months she would visit every time my shift schedule resulted in the whole weekend off. We would spend the day shopping, having lunch, getting our nails done, etc. and in the evening go out for dinner and maybe a club. I was also now shaving my legs and underarms pretty much full time. My eyebrows had gotten thinner and were more shaped, eventually I even pierced my ears.

The guys at work had noticed my legs and I passed that off by saying I had taken up swimming and biking for exercise. When I got my ears pierced and my hair started to grow outI, told them I was going through a hippie phase. When they noticed how neat my fingers nails were, I put their taunts off as them being a bunch of old men and that younger women liked it. I told them they might get more attention if they took care of their grooming more.

The truth was I hadn't been on a date with a woman in easily a year plus. When Sally and I would go out we had started to check out men together. We had even had a few buy us drinks when we went out and I did a little flirting. I was really nervous when it happened but confessed to my sister that it felt amazing to have a man find me attractive as a woman.

Sally was awesome during all this, her support of me allowed me to be braver than I ever would have been on my own. Without her encouragement I would probably still be just dressing up in my condo when I had the chance. I was wearing panties pretty much all of the time I wasn't at work and I started to wear A cup bralettes or camisoles under my tops. Because of her I was spending most of my time dressed in either women's clothes or something that was more unisex. I had bought several pairs of women's jeans, that could barely pass as men's if they were not looked at too closely. Worn with a woman's polo top or unisex t shirt, and with my longer hair I definitely looked androgynous. With just took a touch of makeup added I was a girl.

Of course, pushing the edges like this would eventually catch up with me. The first person to call me on it was one of my condo neighbors. Christine lived on the floor below me. We weren't close but would say hi as we passed and comment occasionally on the weather. I wasn't sure exactly how old she was but figured she was just about thirty, maybe a year or two to either side of that. She wasn't a head turner, but she wasn't unattractive, but I rarely saw her with a date.

One afternoon we had both pulled into the parking lot at the same time. I was coming back from visiting my parents, my dad's health had really taken a downturn and my mind was focused on that. She was taking grocery bags out of her back seat and it was obvious that she had more bags than her hands could handle in a single trip.

"Hey Christine. Need some help?" I offered, thankful for the opportunity to think about something besides my dad.

"Oh, sure, if you are offering." She stepped back from the door of her car to allow me to lean in and grab the bags on the back seat.

When I stood up with the groceries in my hands, I saw a look on her face that was hard to describe. It was like her eyes showed surprise, but the smile on her face was one of maybe amusement. We headed into our condo building, her unit was on the first floor and mine was the on second floor above her. She opened the door and I followed her into the kitchen to drop off the bags.

"Hope you have a great afternoon" I said turning to walk out.

Just as I got to the door I heard "Umm, Landon, can I ask you something?"

I turned back towards her and could see she was nervous but replied "Sure."

"So, no judgement or anything, I guess just curious and it really isn't any of my business, but maybe you want people to notice and ask or something?" It was obvious she was wasn't comfortable with what she was going to ask.

"Okay, so what is the question?" I was now nervous even though that I sensed the general idea of what she was going to ask.

"Are you, I don't know, look I saw the top of your panties when reached into the car for my groceries and your shirt, when it went tight across your back I could see the outline of a bra. Those jeans are women's, aren't they? And the shirt, that is a woman's shirt also."

I could feel blood rushing to my face and my heart was now racing but I quickly decided to go with humor as a response. "So that was more of a statement, or actually statements, than a question. As an English teacher I would think you would know the difference." I smiled broadly at her. "There was one question in there, and the answer to it is yes, they are women's jeans."

She laughed at my comment about her being an English teacher and her smile afterwards made me feel like she was okay with what I was wearing. Still, my heart was beating really fast and I was very nervous.

"Sorry you are right, those were statements. I guess I am asking is, are you trying to make some kind of statement with what you are wearing?" She kept her smile.

It was an interesting question, was I doing that? "I don't know. I just know that I like wearing these things, something about it feels right."

"And the longer hair, the pierced ears, you shaped your eyebrows also it looks like, all of that feels right?" She questioned me.

"Yes."

"Well then good for you. Are you planning on going any farther with all this?"

I wasn't sure exactly what she meant but I responded. "Further? Um... sometimes I do wear dresses, heels, makeup." I figured the cat was out of the bag so why not spill all the beans.

She laughed. "So, I just put something together. I used to hear someone in your condo walking around in heels all the time. That was you wasn't it? Over the last six, eight months or so, that has become a lot rarer."

"Yes, it was me." I looked down at the ground as I said it.

"Why have you pretty much stopped? I bet you look great in a dress in heels."

Again, I decided to be honest. "My sister found out I liked wearing girl's stuff and now she takes me out into the real world when I am dressed up. I don't hide in my condo anymore."

"Oh, that is wonderful. I am really happy for you. Your sister sounds awesome."

"Thanks, she is." I smiled at her.

She had been putting her groceries away as we talked and was now holding a bottle of wine in her hand. She asked if I would like to stay and have a glass and I agreed. We spent the next hour, or however long it took for us to finish off that bottle, chatting and by the time the bottle was empty we had become friends and not just neighbors.

She asked about my history with wearing girl's clothes, we talked about my wardrobe, I told her as a girl I prefer to be called Lana. We talked about her love life. She had been engaged to a man she found out was sleeping with not one but two of her friends and since then had been cautious about dating again. She had grown up in the Midwest but went to the same college my sister went to and stayed in the area after graduating. She had a brother, who was going to be discharged from the army in a few months, who was a couple years younger than her but no other real family, her parents had passed away last year.

By the time we had finished the second bottle of wine we were laughing and giggling like we had been best friends forever. She wanted to go out shopping together and to go out with me and Sally on our next girl's night out. She even joked about setting me up for a date with her brother. I asked if her brother was gay and she meant a date with Landon, or did she want to set him up on a date with Lana.

"Truly I am not sure. I think he may be bi, we haven't really talked to each other about our dating or sex lives. How about you? Would you rather go out with him as Landon or Lana?" She raised her eyebrow.

"I haven't even seen what he looks like or met him so I don't know if would want to date him but.... Lana has never been on a date and I think that I would love to experience that." I responded shyly.

"And Lana is interested in guys?"

"Yes, definitely. Honestly, I have dated women, even had a few relationships with them but more and more I find myself attracted to men." I stared at my wine glass as I said it but did look up and smile to say. "Is your brother cute?"

She laughed and told me yes. We continued to chat until all the wine was gone and I decided it was time to go. When I went to leave, she gave me a nice hug and thanked her for a pleasant evening and hoped that we could do this again. She also made me promise that she could go out with us the next time Sally was here.

The second person to call me out on it was more dramatic and happened just over a month later. I had been out doing some errands and had chosen to edge more to girly than androgyny. It was a warmer spring day, and I was wearing a pair of women's khaki shorts, shorter than a man's pair and tight through the groin which was kept flat with a tight thong holding things tucked back. A lavender three-quarter sleeve, V neck top covered my bralette. I was wearing flip flops and a close inspection would show a light pink nail polish. I was extra brave and put on a light coat of mascara with a touch of light pink lip gloss, along with fluffing my hair up a little which gave it a more feminine appearance.

While I was out my mom called. She was in a panic; she had forgotten to pick up my dad's medications and wanted to know if I could do it. The home care nurse was coming this afternoon and she needed to be there to let her in and couldn't go herself. My dad at this point was pretty much bed ridden and would soon be going into hospice.

I stumbled through some excuses on why I couldn't do it right this minute and with everyone I gave her, she got more emotional and upset. I finally told her I would pick them up, which I did, and drop them off quickly but would not be able to stay. I was hoping that she wouldn't have the time to really look at what I was wearing. My confidence in this plan decreased the closer I got to her house. She called me again five minutes after the last call, she was still panicked and worried about me bringing the medications. I knew that I had to take the medications directly to her.

Pulling in the driveway I had the same feeling I always did when I saw my childhood home, a sense of security and a memory of comfortable and enjoyable childhood. I knew I was lucky to grow up with a roof over my head, food on my table, and family that the loved and took care of me. This was quickly being overtaken by nerves as I wondered what my mom would notice when she saw me.

I glanced quickly in the mirror and my efforts with a napkin had removed most of the lip gloss. I had brushed my hair, so it laid flatter on my head. I had no way to remove the mascara but convinced myself you had to really look hard to notice it. Getting out of the car I looked down at me shorts and made a futile effort to pull down the hem on them, in an attempt to make them longer or cover more of my legs. Walking toward the door my eyes travelled to my toes, and while obvious they had polish on them it wasn't like it was bright red and jumped out at you.

I arrived at the front door, took a deep breath, knocked loudly and stepped just inside. My mom stepped out from the kitchen and smiled as she saw me.

She moved toward me. "Oh, Landon thank you so much. You are a life saver."

It appeared she slowed just a little as she got closer and I felt that her eyes were travelling over me and taking in what she was seeing.

"Hi mom, I am sorry I can't stay. I promised some friends I would meet them at the gym, and I am already running a little late."

She was now next to me and pulled me into a hug which I returned. It was at this point I also realized I had used my Lana shampoo, conditioner, and deodorant before going out and just a dab of perfume behind me ears. As I started to panic about that I felt her hand run over my bralette and my heart rate immediately raced.

She stepped back and held my hands in hers and looked closely at me. "I won't hold you up. Thanks again for bringing his meds." She took a deep breath, smiled, then continued. "You look lovely dear. Can you call me later?"

"Thanks. Uh, sure. Sorry I can't stay now."

Driving home I ran her comments over in my mind. "You look lovely dear." Has she ever said lovely to me before? I tried to remember her face as she said it. Was there a look of surprise, anger, disappointment? It had seemed neutral and with an even a small smile on her lips. She wanted me to call her later. What is later, this afternoon, or this evening, tomorrow?

As soon as I entered my condo I texted Sally- I am pretty sure I just got caught as Lana by Mom.

I had enough time to pour myself a very large glass of wine and drank about half of it when Sally responded.

What? How? What Happened? How did she take it? Are you okay?

Her last question of "are you okay?" touched my heart and I felt myself get emotional. I realized that since Sally had found out Lana she had gone from my little sister, who I liked but wasn't really close with, to my best friend. With tears in my eyes I texted her back and ran through what had happened.

Oh Lana, I am sorry. Are you going to call her tonight? Are you going to tell her everything? Do you want me there with you when you call her?

More tears poured out when she offered to be here with me when I called- Yes, I will call her tonight. Pretty sure I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight if I didn't. Thanks for offering to be here but I will be fine, I am sure. I added a smiling emoji and blushing emoji which projected more confidence than I actually had.

She responded- Okay, good luck, let me know how it goes. Love you Sis! She added a bunch of hearts at the end.

Again, tears poured out as I read "Love you Sis!" We really were sisters now. I could not remember the last time Sally had seen me as or interacted with me as Landon.

I didn't know at the time but my phone call that night with my mom would be life altering.

*************************

We had finished our toast and there was a silence around the table. I think something about the toast made us all realize it was real, that we had lost three of our brother firefighters. Multiple firefighters dying at a fire isn't that unusual. Sometimes it is a large group, obviously the 343 firefighters on 9/11, but also nine in a fire in Charleston, nine in a fire in Boston, six in a fire in New York, six in a fire Worcester, we were all well aware of these events.

What shook us with this was that it was our best firefighters who were lost. Captain Tyler was a legend, he was what all the other firefighters aspired to be, if it could happen to him than it could happen to any of us. I think we weren't just sad because of the loss, but I believe we were sad because we had lost some of our innocence and faced the knowledge of the risks being real and being so close to home.

"What happened?" I asked. I had heard some stories, but I wanted to hear it from the guys that were there.

There was a silence as Big Joe, Smitty, and Sean exchanged looks between each other. Their eye contact was a question of first, are we ready to talk about this, and then who was going to tell the story.

After a long sigh Big Joe spoke. "It seemed like it was going to be routine. A house fire in the Brambletons."

The Brambletons was the most upscale neighborhood in the whole city, filled with newly built McMansions as we liked to call them. They were 8000 square feet homes with wide open floor plans, built with cheap lumber and using geometry to keep them together.

Big Joe continued. "We were returning from another run, so we had a jump on everyone since we were up and on the road. We got there just as Engine 4 arrived. There was fire coming from the kitchen windows on the back of the house. A decent amount of black smoke pushing out from all over the house."

The mention of Engine 4 caused them all to look at me. That was the company I was now assigned to, or in my mind banished to, after I was allowed to return to duty. I wasn't even on the same shift as I was on before, so I wasn't working on the night of the fire. Engine 4 was generally considered to be the easiest assignment in the department because the neighborhoods it served were all upper class. Most of the calls were for medical runs, false alarms, and minor fender bender accidents between Mercedes and BMWs.

"Because it was the middle of the night, we thought there was a chance someone might still be inside, so we went to work quickly." Big Joe said.

"Yea, to fucking quickly. They got in and started the search way before the engine started to put water on the fire. The fire took off and basically caught all three of them on the stairs going to the second floor. They burned to death on those stairs. They never had a chance." Smitty interjected.

Yep, never had a chance, especially when you have a bunch of zeros backing you up and responsible for getting water on the fire." Sean said angrily.

"Zeros, you mean cowards don't you, there wasn't one set of balls on that engine that night." Smitty bowed his head down as he said that.

Right after he said that they all suddenly looked at me sheepishly. At this point I thought it might be worth taking a small chance and throwing some humor into the situation.

"Sorry, I wasn't working that night, although I am not sure I would have been able to help with getting a big set of balls on the engine, I would have made sure the line got in place to protect them." I had emphasized the word big before balls and smiled as I said it.

I saw mostly wide eyes and realized that my attempt at humor had failed. Gallows humor was a staple in the fire house, and it helped get through moments like this. I reached for the bottle of Jameson and poured myself another shot. I looked around at the others to see if they wanted one and got nods of yes from each of them.

Of course, it was Sean who asked the obvious. "You had your balls cut off? Jesus. Did you get everything else cut off also?"

I drank my shot and took a minute deciding if I should answer. I had not had any thing cut off, yet, but the hormone therapy I had been on the past year had changed, let's just say, things. I had softer skin, fuller, longer hair, wider hips and a nice rounded ass. Plus, my panties fit better in the front because the stuff there was much smaller than it used to be. I did have breast augmentation done to give the work the hormones had done on my chest, a little help. The result of that was a nice pair of 38C cup tits. I was proud of them.

When I first realized and accepted that I was transgender, I had planned to have gender confirmation surgery. I had planned to do it all at once, breast augmentation and bottom surgery/vangoplasty but I wasn't willing to go into deep dept to have the full genital surgery, plus I didn't have enough leave for the recovery time it would take for that. I now wasn't sure if that was necessary for me to feel like the woman, that I know I am, but it was still a possibility.

I realized that after Sean's comment the room had gotten quiet and that everyone was looking at me, eagerly waiting to hear my answer. I decided to try another shot at humor.

"Sean, is that your way of asking to check out what is in my panties?" I smiled and batted my eye lashes at him.

He blushed and offered a stuttering "What, no, you were the one that said you couldn't help in the balls department. I was just taking your comment seriously, plus you were out on medical and then light duty for a long time."