Comic Book Lovers

Until then, I think I was insufferable. I know I was walking around with a big goofy smile on my face. That, plus the fact that I'd had my hair done and was actually wearing makeup made it pretty obvious what was going on. I was bombarded with, "Well, what's he like?" and I couldn't really tell them everything. The age gap was still pretty big, even to me, and it wasn't as if I didn't care. I did care. I cared that he'd get fed up with me, or that a younger, prettier woman would just catch his eye in that certain way, and he wouldn't call me again. I know how I sick I'd felt when I thought he'd stood me up, and it was always on my mind. Still, I did go on that next date, and the one after that, and the one after that …

About a month later, we were sitting in the park, by the lake, eating ice cream, and I said, "So, why haven't you kissed me?"

"D'you want me to kiss you?" He asked me. "I didn't really know how to go about it."

"That's okay," I said to him. "I didn't either."

"So can I kiss you then?"

I just nodded. He moved in closer to me and our lips touched and I felt myself slipping off into the ether. There's just something about that first kiss with someone that erases all conscious thought. We kissed – not deeply, not in public like that – for a couple of minutes, and I gradually became aware of something pushing my hand around. I looked out of the corner of my eye and a big black lab was eating my ice cream right from the cone. I smiled, my lips curling up against his, and I laughed at the dog. It was just one of those perfect moments.

All that summer was a series of perfect moments. Lots of dates, lots of kisses, long walks by the lake, and holding hands, me and my younger man. I don't think there has been any time in my life when I was so much at peace with myself. I even took him around to meet my mom, and even though she balked visibly at how young he was, I think she was just happy to see that I was with someone, and that he was making me happy. That's really all you can want for your children, isn't it?

But then, it all came crashing down. It had a frightening air of inevitability to it, almost like something from a Dickens novel.

All October he had seemed tense, but brushed it off, saying he was working late a lot. I feared, naturally, that what had become unthinkable over the summer had come to pass; that he had found someone else, or grown tired of me. It reflected badly on me as I waited for the axe to fall. I grew moody at work, and stopped wearing makeup. We'd still see each other, but it just didn't feel the same. Around the middle of the month I thought things were back on the upswing when he asked me to go to a Halloween party with him. He seemed as if he was back to his old self that one night, and I went home thinking that everything was back to normal and I was just being stupid. I'd been out of the scene so long that I had just forgotten how to deal with relationships. That next week, I shopped around for a costume, but couldn't find one. They were either all gothic vampire types, or those "sexy devil" things. I didn't feel either were appropriate. But then, a couple of days before it, I was walking around one of those rental places, and there was a Supergirl costume. I took it to the dressing room and tried it on, and thought it looked great on me. All I needed was one of those push up bras to get rid of my slight thirty-five year old sag. It cost me a hundred bucks for everything, but it was worth it. I couldn't wait until Nick saw me in it.

The night of the party, my stomach was doing backflips, handstands, you name it. A whole damn floor routine. He was supposed to pick me up at 7:30, and got there at 8:00. I was happy to see him – he was dressed up like The Flash, which was very sexy. But it was the look on his face that told me things had come to an end. I took him to my room and asked him what was wrong, and he started crying. I felt cold. "Is it someone else?" I asked him.

"No," he said, "No, don't think that. Remember I told you how much I wanted to get on at a big company? I did. I got a job in September, but they want me to move to London."

I sat silently, feeling a huge black cloud above me, weighing up what I should say. I want to tell you how I was strong and told him that he was right to go, because his career mattered to me, and that if you love someone you have to let them go and all that stupid unrealistic crap that only happens in the movies. I didn't do that.

I broke down. I sat on the edge of my bed and it started pouring out of me and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't speak, and every time I tried to say something, I'd start to say it, but the truth was too painful to me. I put my face in my hands and cried and cried. He put his arm around me and I could tell he was hurting too. It would have been beastly of me, even in my pain, to blame him or say anything mean-spirited. "Do you have to go?" I asked him, sobbing. I must have looked pathetic.

"I don't have to go, but I really want this job. Before I met you it was the only thing I wanted. You can come down too, but –"

"I need to take care of my mom," I said. "Who would do it if it wasn't me? I can't go with you, Nick." And then I started bawling again, and I knew how I sounded, like a howling wounded animal. "Why do you have to go? Can't you do your work here and just send it over there?"

"I don't have any contacts here, Emma."

I turned around and grabbed him, and pressed my face against him. "I love you, I love you, I love you," I wept. "You don't know how much you mean to me."

"I'm sorry," he said. "I just have to go. I never ever wanted to do anything to hurt you, but I have to do this."

I grabbed him closer to me, but I knew it was too late to do anything. I couldn't blame him for wanting to go. I couldn't blame my mom for the car accident that made it impossible for me to go with him, because I honestly believe that Nick wanted me to go with him. I just couldn't leave my mom. Eventually, I stopped crying hard, and it became more of a quiet whimper. His arms were around me: a stupid, middle-aged woman who just fell too hard for a younger man without thinking it through.

"Will you make love to me?" I asked him, all of a sudden. I looked up at him through my blurry eyes, and he just nodded. "I want to be with you before you leave." And I did. I'd wanted to be intimate with Nick for the longest time by then. I just never imagined that I might never have the chance. He nodded at me and sat for a second.

"You look really good in that Supergirl costume," he said.

"I hoped you'd like it."

He kissed me, and pushed me back on the bed. My heart was aching as we kissed, but it made everything seem so much more important. I knew I'd probably lost him, but over the summer I'd grown so accustomed to having him around. He made me feel good about myself for the first time in years, made me feel like a whole person. I didn't want to go back to being what I was before. I wanted to change myself in however small a way.

Nick's hand touched my breast and it made me sigh. I kissed him harder. I looked up at him with his Flash mask on him and wanted him inside me. It had been a long time since I'd had sex, but it's not like I ever forgot about it, or how good it felt. To be honest, it had dropped down my list. Being with Nick, in what had suddenly turned into our last night together, come what may, I felt a pressing need to be with him, not just for the emotional experience, but for my wasted years of doing nothing and, perhaps, using my mom as an excuse to stay away from the possibility of being hurt in love. I kissed him hard and deep, my hands all over his back. The fabric of his costume excited me. I could feel myself begin to tingle under my little skirt. When he climbed up on the bed, I opened my legs so he could lay between them. He lay down and I could feel his hardness pressing against me. I sighed again.

"I'm sorry, Emma," Nick said. "I love you so much."

"Shh," I said, and pressed my finger to his lips. I couldn't bear to hear him tell me that. "Just shh, please. Okay?" And my eyes were almost spilling over too. I had such an utter sense of loss, even as we lay like that for the first time. I sometimes wonder what it will be like to lose mom, as I know I will one day, and it felt like that.

He put his head down to my breasts and began kissing them. I looked down at him, at his face down by my "S" symbol. The yellow lightning bolts on either side of his mask perfectly complimented his gentle eyes, and I think that despite the situation, I loved him even more. I pulled up my shirt and reached behind and unhooked my bra. His eyes got wider as he looked at my bare breasts, then he began to kiss and lick my nipples, which were already hard. I was overcome by that. I put my arms back behind my head while he did that, and it felt wonderful. He put his hands behind my arched back and unzipped my skirt and pulled it down past my knees, then pushed his face into my red panties, moved it around. I was in heaven. I opened my legs wider and lifted them off the bed while he kissed me through the material.

"You're really wet," he said.

"I want you inside me," I told him. He stood back on the floor and was about to start undressing when I stopped him, and knelt on the floor in front of him. His penis was very obvious through his costume. It was very hard. I touched it and it felt good in my hand. I began to squeeze it and massage it, and it was his turn to sigh. I had never taken a man into my mouth before. I always felt it was something that was dirty, but I guess I was just never in a situation where it felt right. It felt right with Nick that night. I pulled his pants down and saw his briefs bulging out. I took hold of those and gently lifted them up and over his penis. It almost fell out, but it was so stiff it stood back up again.

I pressed it against my cheek, surprised at how warm it was, then I began to kiss its length, from the base with its bushy hair, then all the way up to the tip, which I put into my mouth and began to lightly suck on. It tasted very nice, not at all like what I expected, and that made me want to do more to him, so I tried to put more of it in my mouth. I didn't get much more in before I gagged, so I just masturbated him with the head of it in my mouth. I could tell he liked it a lot. I was enjoying it very much myself.

After a few minutes, I lay back on the bed. He followed me and guided his penis to my vagina, which was very wet. I could feel the moisture running out of me, down over my butthole. He was teasing me with just the end of it, only just putting it in and moving back and forth. "What's wrong?" I said. It was too late for him to stop by then, surely.

"I don't have a condom," he said.

"That's okay," I told him, "I'm on the pill. I want you to come inside of me. Okay? Just let me feel that with you."

Without saying anything else, he thrust his way inside me, and it made me yelp. It was quite painful at first, but after the initial pain it began to feel terrific. The heat from his penis felt as if it was thawing something deep inside me, something that was not just sexual, but something more, something deeper. I knew that I was not going to be the same after that night. I knew because I had lied when I told him I was on the pill. I really had no need to be on the pill the last ten or so years, so I hadn't gone to the doctor. I wanted to have his baby. Yes, I know that must sound awful, but it wasn't. You see, what I felt for Nick I'd never felt for anyone. His kindness and gentleness had touched me and changed me so completely, and I couldn't bear the thought of only having my memories of him after he was gone. I wanted something to always remind me of him, something that I'd love just as much for all of my life.

He pushed in deeper and faster and I felt my orgasm growing within me. I let myself go and gave myself to him, and what he was doing to my body. Eventually, he gasped and said, "I'm going to come, I'm going to come."

"Do it. Do it inside me," I panted, and as his orgasm started, so too did mine. I clenched myself around his penis and squeezed it as he grunted on top of me, pushing in deep. I didn't feel any pain that time, just the most exquisite sense of pleasure until he finished.

We lay there, not talking. His arm was around my shoulders, my head on his chest. I ran my fingers over his lightning bolt insignia and felt that suddenly everything was going to be okay. With my life, with his new life in another country, with my mom. I smiled to myself.

He left shortly after, and we were both sobbing hard. I didn't want to let him go, but I knew I couldn't hold on to him forever. As he went out the front door, I could see it in his eyes how much this was hurting him too, and I could not bear to ever do or say anything to make him feel any worse. I wished him good luck, and watched his car as it disappeared over the crest of the hill, out of sight, and out of my life. I went back into the living room and there was my mom with her arms open, as if she knew exactly what I needed. I collapsed against her and cried my eyes out. "Oh mom," I cried. "I loved him. I loved him so much."

"I know you did, Emma," she said, and patted my head. "I know you did."

It's been seven months since that night. My tummy is huge! Everyone is asking me when I'm going to drop because I look so big. I still have a few weeks to go, but she's already kicking her way out. Our own little Supergirl.

The girls have been very nice to me at work. I feel as if I'm part of a greater world these days. They had a shower for me last week and I got tons of stuff. My mom and I have been going out to eat quite a lot. I don't know why I never realized that restaurants are just as good for wheelchairs as they are for other people. My eyes have been opened.

Nick's comic came out only yesterday. I was very thrilled to walk into the comic shop to look for it on the shelves. I brought it home and breathlessly pulled it out of the bag and sat down on the couch, balancing it on my tummy. His work was beautiful, even more so than it had been when I'd first met him. Perhaps I was responsible for that in some small way. I like to think that!

Before I put it down, I looked back at the first page, just to see his name in print, and there, on the inside cover, were the words, "To Emma. I'll love you always." That made me tear up again as I thought, I love you too, Nick. Our little one kicked again, and I put the comic down and smiled at her as her head moved from one side to the other. I smiled at her, and realized: I think I've finally said goodbye.