Coming to Grips Ch. 04

After that, David tried never to leave his sister alone when Grandma Ethel watched them. Suzanne tried but she couldn't be perfect. Accidents and little mistakes happened, but David took the blame and the punishment every time. It was one reason that Suzanne idolized him. It was also why she could never warm to her grandmother.

"Hi, Daddy," Suzanne said as she came up to them. Her love for her father was still clear from the way she spoke. Without waiting for him to do anything, she gave him a tight hug. No matter what, she was determined to be the bigger person and let him know how she felt. For the first few seconds, she felt him really hug her back, then as if remembering, it changed. He barely held her and released as soon as he could.

"Hello Suzanne," was his reply. Any residual warmth from the hug was absent. It wasn't just his voice; his whole body seemed dead. It was not just with her. As she stood there, a couple of his friends came by to shake his hand. The energy she always saw was missing. His face was grey and the skin there sagged. He scarcely acknowledged them.

"Are you doing okay, Daddy?" Suzanne asked him.

"As well as can be expected, I guess," her father replied. He offered no further elaboration. He was not going to give her any openings. She looked behind her and noticed that Colby already found a seat over by where Uncle Peter told them to sit. There was a little spark of irritation in Suzanne, not with Colby but with her father. It avoided any further deterioration of the situation, but it also meant she couldn't introduce someone important to her.

"I understand. I feel pretty much the same," Suzanne said. "Daddy, we are both going through this. Can't we at least comfort each other?"

Looking over at Colby, her father shook his head. "Are you willing to come back into the fold, Suzanne?" he said. The harshness of his voice made it clear what he was offering and threatening. He might love her but his love came at a cost.

It was one she was not willing to pay any more.

"Daddy, I love you. I wish I could help you through this, but I can't be someone I am not." Even though he didn't return it, she gave him another hug. Right before she let go, she whispered into his ear. "You said you didn't want me to be unhappy. I guess you didn't mean that." Letting go of him, she turned and went to sit down next to Colby. She wished that she just kept quiet, but it was too hard. A little of her frustration spilled over. As she sat down, Colby handed her a new handkerchief. She could tell that Suzanne would need it soon.

As the pastor stepped up to the pulpit, Uncle Peter slipped in beside Suzanne and put his arm around her. The reassurance it gave her was welcome. Even though there was nothing going on between them, she couldn't allow Colby to give her that. Things were complicated enough. She leaned against her uncle. Like all of her mom's family, he was tall. Her head fit just right in his shoulder.

The pastor was the same one that a decade and a half ago tried to help her deal with David's death. "I'm too young to be doing this again," Suzanne thought to herself. She did not get much comfort back then. Her expectations were low now. When her brother died, the pastor was barely older than she was today. While his own faith in God was firm, he was less sure in dealing with people. The ensuing fifteen years removed that doubt. In a community that never questioned him, the confidence that replaced it bordered on arrogance. Each time she went to church with her parents when visiting, his smugness drove her further away.

Even on a normal visit to church, Suzanne often tuned out what he said. With the combination of memories and her grief, Suzanne barely heard anything that he was saying. Suddenly, she felt Colby grab her hand and squeeze. Glancing over at her friend, she noticed Colby gritting her teeth. The look she was giving the pastor could only be called a glare. She missed what he just said, but now he had Suzanne's attention.

"Surely our sister in Christ Sarah will be welcomed in Heaven," he said. "For like her beloved son David, Sarah led a righteous life. The reward for following God's law awaits her. David and Sarah are shining examples to us all. And while they never strayed from a righteous path, not all of us have that same strength."

"Yet there is hope for all. Our Lord is forgiving. No matter how far someone may have strayed from the righteous path, the path that Sarah followed, God will forgive. Even if you have fallen into sin and wickedness, God will forgive. You may feel divorced from God's family, but you can come back. God will forgive." As he spoke, he looked around the congregation. Nevertheless, at the end of each sentence he looked right at Suzanne.

"If you want to follow Sarah's example and find eternal life, all you have to do is ask. Ask for forgiveness and God will grant it. Accept Jesus as your savior. If you want to be one with your family, your family in Christ, you can. God's forgiveness is there. No matter how far you have fallen, salvation can be yours. Our Lord and Father loves you and will grant it," the pastor said as his eyes came to rest again on Suzanne.

On one side of her, Suzanne felt Colby holding her hand. It was tight enough to hurt a little. On the other, she felt her uncle's body tensing. The sense of anger that radiated from him helped. It wasn't just the two lesbians in the crowd who were appalled by what was being said.

Turning, Uncle Peter whispered to her. "I had no idea, Suzy. I'm so sorry."

The tears that fell now were different from before. They were bitter reflections of her feelings. "It's not your fault, Uncle Peter. I wish I could say Mom would be angry too, but I'm pretty sure she would approve. It's okay. I'll survive. I know Daddy really believes he is trying to save me from damnation."

Despite her words, Suzanne couldn't help the growing despair inside her. "I tried so hard to be the daughter he wanted. Why can he not see what it's done to me? He won't even try." She sobbed aloud and squeezed Colby's hand. Peter's arm tightened around her shoulder. Their support helped but it didn't stop the darkness that was descending upon her.

Once the pastor moved on from redemption to talking about her mother, Suzanne no longer heard him. She stared straight ahead with tears rolling down her face. Her mourning now encompassed her father as well as her mother. Maybe there was still a chance he would accept her; Suzanne didn't think so. "I'm on my own now," she thought. For the first time in a couple of weeks, she thought about the pills Colby took. At least, they were thoughts of relief, not regret. "I'd have taken them tonight, I think," Suzanne thought, but she looked over at her friend.

"Maybe but maybe not. The old Suzanne would have, but I don't think I could hurt her like that," Suzanne admitted. "Now I have two things to live for; Colby and Tuptim." Although she didn't consciously think about it, she still needed that; living for herself was not enough yet.

Mercifully, the rest of the service seemed to pass quickly for Suzanne. Long before graduating high school, she perfected the art of tuning out the sermons. Once they stopped having meaning for her, paying attention wasn't much of a priority. It was harder for Colby. Even after the pastor moved on to other subjects, she still heard the venom from earlier seeming to continue dripping from his words. Her fury simmered just below the boiling point. For Suzanne's sake, she managed to keep the lid on it.

At all the appropriate times, Suzanne got to her feet. She knew each hymn by heart. Singing along with the congregation, the beauty of the music gave her some solace. They were all her mother's favorites. Memories of standing beside her as they sang together surrounded Suzanne. Her tears of anger were washed away to some degree by new ones of mourning.

When the service finally ended, Suzanne got up and embraced her uncle. His arms around her felt reassuringly good. Just before he released her, he whispered in her ear. "Don't give up hope. Maybe when he has been alone a while, he will have second thoughts." Suzanne nodded but she didn't say what she wanted to. "Maybe Uncle Peter, but I won't count on him. He is so damn stubborn and righteous," she thought to herself.

Colby got a hug too. Peter suspected she was more than just a coworker and he wanted her to know at least one member of the family accepted her. He had a whispered message for her too. "Take care of her, Colby. She needs someone to love her."

"I will, Uncle Peter," Colby whispered back. Calling him that seemed natural. He smiled and gave her another quick squeeze.

Looking at Suzanne, Peter grimaced. "There are refreshments back at the house. I already had it out with him. I won't say you are welcome, but it's okay if you want to come over."

Suzanne glanced at her father. His red-rimmed eyes told her how hard the service had been for him. As she looked at him, he turned his head and met her eyes for a second. The deadness in them scared her. "If only he would let me help him," she thought. "But he won't, and going over would make it worse." She sighed and shook her head. "Thanks for sticking up for me, Uncle Peter, but Daddy will be better if I'm not there. We'll just head home." She sensed an inaudible sigh from Colby. Her friend would have gone with her, but it was a relief not to have to try to be pleasant in a hostile environment.

Just how hostile it was became apparent as they made their way down the aisle. This was her mother's social circle. For the most part, the church was what unified them. Many of them Suzanne knew from growing up. She was friends with their children or babysat the younger ones. Always a well-behaved girl, her mother's friends liked her. Even after moving away, they welcomed her back at holidays when she went to church with her parents.

Now it was different. Most of them had hard looks on their face. Even the ones who were still weeping didn't spare her a warm glance. Only a few looked at her sympathetically, but it was clear that they weren't willing to risk doing anything in the face of the general disapproval. Apparently no matter how shamed she was, her mother opened up to them about Suzanne. Equally obvious was their approval of her mother's reaction. Ignoring them, Suzanne continued to head out of the church with her head down.

"Suzanne," a gentle voice called out. Startled, she looked up and saw Gayle putting out a hand to touch her forearm and stop her. "I'm so sorry, Suzanne," she said as she stepped a little closer. Looking Gayle in the face, Suzanne saw her more clearly than earlier. Her face was more lined and she let her hair go salt and pepper, but she was still a beautiful woman. Since moving away, she never saw Gayle. She didn't go to church. Despite the fact that she remained friends with her parents, they never did anything with Gayle when Suzanne was in town. It was with a little bit of pain that Suzanne realized she could see Chloe in Gayle's face. She couldn't remember noticing the resemblance.

"Thanks, Gayle. I appreciate it," Suzanne said in a low voice. The service took a lot out of her and she did not have much reserve left.

"I don't just mean your mom. Of course, that is terrible. She should have had so many years more. But I mean how James is treating you; how everyone is treating you." She made an exasperated sound. "Sometimes I wonder how I've stayed friends with Sarah. She is such a small minded ..." She trailed off, realizing how she was speaking about someone who just passed away. "Anyway, I'm sorry."

"I didn't expect much more. Well maybe from Daddy, but not the rest of this crowd," Suzanne replied.

There was a man behind Gayle who made a slight noise. "Oh, I'm sorry. This is my partner Leo. We've been together for about five years now." Suzanne tried to smile and shook his hand. He was a tall man, and at least five years older than Gayle was. With a trim beard and mustache to go with his long silver hair pulled back into a ponytail, he was attractive in an older man way. He also looked very out of place in this church and in a suit.

When both of their eyes flicked over at Colby, Suzanne realized she had to say something. "This is my friend, Colby. She's been taking care of me the last few days." She looked over at Colby. Maybe Suzanne forgot that she already told her who Gayle was, but she felt compelled to say it again. "This is Gayle, Chloe's mom."

The mere fact that Suzanne mentioned her daughter told Gayle volumes about their relationship. She smiled. "It's so nice to meet you, Colby. I'm glad that Suzanne has someone like you." Colby nodded but didn't speak. She wasn't sure how to respond. Glancing at Leo, Gayle said, "Dear, would you mind giving me a moment? I need to talk to Suzanne." Taking Suzanne by the arm, Gayle walked her outside to stand on the porch. There was a little space there where they could be away from everyone else. Suzanne felt the comforting presence of Colby disappear and realized she stayed with Leo. It felt a little naked without her.

Gayle's face was full of warmth as she looked at Suzanne. "How are you doing, really?" she asked. The way Suzanne's face was quickly masked disturbed Gayle. The grief was still visible but everything else was obscured.

"I'm okay. It's hard, especially with the way Daddy is," Suzanne replied in a short clipped way.

Hiding the sinking feeling she felt, Gayle shook her head. "Suzanne, I understand that but I mean overall. There was a time when you could talk to me. And I still care about you."

Suzanne couldn't disguise the misery in her voice. "I don't know why. All of the problems Chloe had are because of me! You should hate me." In her mind, Suzanne added, "Like I do."

Pulling Suzanne into a warm embrace, Gayle shook her head. "I never hated you, your father sometimes, but never you. You were too young and had too much pressure. And Chloe's mistakes were her own. You didn't make those choices for her," she gently said. Gayle didn't let go and eventually felt Suzanne return the hug. Nevertheless, when they finally released each other though, she could tell from Suzanne's face her words had not reached her. She sighed.

"Colby seems nice," Gayle said. She hid any other thoughts.

Blushing, Suzanne quickly shook her head. "It isn't like that. She is just a great friend, but yes, she is nice. She is getting me through things."

"I am so glad you have her. Still, unless years of having a lesbian daughter are misleading me, she is gay, isn't she?" Gayle said with a tiny smile.

"Yeah, but so? It just means she understands me. There is nothing more than that. She is just a friend." She looked at Gayle. "I know what you're asking, and no, there is no one. Not like Chloe." She ignored Piper and Sandy. They weren't like Chloe; no one was.

Out of the corner of her eye, Suzanne saw the cluster around her father start to move. They came down the aisle towards her. She felt a spike of panic. "Sorry, Gayle but I need to go." Without saying goodbye, she turned and hurried out to Colby's car. The rain was coming down hard. By the time Colby got there and unlocked the door, Suzanne's hair was soaking wet and plastered to her head. The tears mixed with the rainwater and ran down her face. As quickly as she could, Colby started the car and got the heater going.

Back on the porch, Gayle watched as Colby's car pulled out and drove off. She felt Leo come over to her and put his arm around her waist. She sighed again and leaned her head against his shoulder. "Poor thing," Leo said.

"Yeah, I can't stand to see that much pain. It reminds me of Chloe; somehow different, yet still the same," Gayle said. Her lips pressed together as she watched the car disappear, lost in sad memories.

On Monday, Suzanne returned to work. Colby continued coming over often, but she was not there every day anymore. As far as she could tell, Suzanne seemed to be doing as well as could be expected. Naturally, once back at work Suzanne threw herself completely into it. Burying herself in work was a long-standing way for her to deal with issues, although even Suzanne admitted that it was more ignoring than dealing with them.

One night Suzanne was lying in the bed with Tuptim purring on her lap. She was trying to read an engineering report but not making any progress. It slipped from her hand as she lay back against the pillows piled up behind her. Her fingers scratched behind Tuptim's ears, feeling the rumbling of her purr radiating out. When she paused for a moment, the little cat looked up at her with blue eyes and made a little meow.

"I'm sorry, Babycat," she said as she started to pet her cat again. "I was falling down on the job, wasn't I?" She watched as Tuptim closed her eyes again in pleasure. Suzanne's stomach rumbled a little. Although better at eating now, she still had days where she came home exhausted and the effort of making a meal seemed too much. "I know I should eat, but that would require disturbing you. I can't do that, can I?" Tuptim continued purring as she put her head back down. "No, that would be bad," Suzanne said.

Suzanne had her cell phone with her. If Colby called, she didn't want to have to get up. Now she picked it up and unlocked it. The screen glowed as she contemplated calling her father. Over the last six weeks, she called him every few days. She knew he wasn't likely to answer, but she wanted him to know she was there if he needed her. The messages she left were short and almost always the same.

"Hi. It's Suzanne. Just wanted to make sure you are doing okay, Daddy. I love you."

So far, there was no acknowledgement of her attempts to reach out. "It's getting a little hard to keep doing this, Daddy," she said aloud. The frequency was dropping a bit. It was five days since her last call. Sighing, she touched the phone, put it to her ear, and waited for it to ring. Once it started to ring, Suzanne counted down until it would go to voicemail. She was shocked when it was picked up on the third ring.

At first, all Suzanne could hear was heavy coughing. She could tell it was her father. In between the coughs, his breathing was full of wheezing. Finally, a hoarse, breathless voice said, "Hello?"

"Daddy, it's Suzanne. What's going on? Are you okay?" Suzanne asked. Her voice was tight with worry.

There were more hacking coughs before he said anything else. "Suzanne? She's not here." There was a brief pause and then she heard him shout. "Sarah? Sarah, when will Suzanne be back?"

After that, her father didn't speak again. The shouting seemed to cause a massive attack of coughing that faded back into the labored breathing. Her attempts to get his attention got nowhere. Finally, she hung up the phone and tried calling back, but now it was just a busy sound.

Getting up and ignoring Tuptim's concerned meows, Suzanne went through her contact list looking for the family doctor's number. "I know I had it at one point, but it's not here," she said to herself. Finally, she found the number of a neighbor. Dialing it, she crossed her fingers it was still good and that someone would answer.

"Hello Mr. McClellen, this is Suzanne Wilson. I was trying to reach my dad and when he answered, he sounded very sick. I hate to ask, but could you or Mrs. McClellen check on him."

"Oh, thank you so much. It is just he is alone now."

"Yes, I'll wait."

Sinking down onto the bed again, Tuptim came to her immediately and rubbed against her. She rubbed the cat's head without really paying attention. The turmoil in her stomach made her glad she hadn't eaten. It seemed to take forever. Finally, she heard Mrs. McClellen's voice.

"Suzanne, yeah Jonathan got in. Your father is up in his bedroom. He looks pretty sick and he feels hot. I'm going to hang up and call Dr. Johnson and see if he will come over. Give me your number and either he will call you back, or I will."