Confessions of an Italian Bellboy

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Readers from the UK (and possibly other regions) may recognize this classic joke from its appearance in an old beer commercial in the 90s. Writing it down on Literotica allows certain extra details to be added to it

Don Gabriele was just finishing tending to his vines when he heard has name being shouted from the bottom of the hill. He straightened up slowly. Every year his back protested a little more. This would be the last year he grew his own grapes, he decided. If only the hill wasn't so high. It would be a pity, tending the soil brought you closer to God, as the old bishop always used to say. Still he felt plenty close enough to God these days at the best of times. Perhaps it was time for a rest.

His eyes weren't what they once were either and it wasn't until the lad was right on top of him that he recognized who it was who was searching for him: Emilia's boy, now what was his name? Leonardo? Lorenzo? No, no, Leondro, that was it. They all grew up so fast these days. He could have sworn it was only yesterday that Leondro had been playing with his little toy airplane in the fields behind the church and now, here he was, a big strapping lad; worked at the hotel if he remembered right. He was a good kid, uncomplicated, and nice to his mother, but Gabriele couldn't help but notice he had grown-up a little too tall, a little too handsome, and a little too muscular. If he could see that with his eyes, such as they were, the girls of the village certainly had. And maybe their mothers too.

The lad had run all the way up the hill and was now seriously short of breath. "Padre, padre. Thank God I found you. I've been looking for you everywhere. There is something I must tell you. It's really important."

He sought confession then. Confession was the only place the youth would tell an old man anything. It was not the hour but the priest could hardly refuse. "Come then, my child," the priest said. "Let us go to the church together."

They started to walk together, the lad constantly struggling to match his pace to that of the old man.

"Padre. Last night there was a big party at the hotel. To celebrate its hundredth anniversary. Well, you know Signora Isabella, the wife of the gardener. Well, she was there wearing this dress. It was red, and well, the dress showed a lot of, well..." Leondro made an hour-glass shaped movement with his hands.

"No, no," said the priest. "Wait until we get to church." The lad was horny, it was normal enough, especially considering Isabella. It wasn't so long ago that Gabriele had sinful thoughts of his own about that one. Even those had faded now though.

"No, no, but you don't understand, padre. As I was looking at her, she started looking at me, all strangle like, and then she invited me into the garden to look at her artichokes. And then, when we were there, she started touching me and then she got it out and started to kiss it." There was no need for the boy to say what 'it' was. There had been no need to gesture either, but being Italian, his expressive hand movements momentarily attracted the attention of an elderly lady carrying a huge basket of parsnips.

"Yes, yes. It is good that you found me, but this is not the place. Wait until we get to the church." It was as the priest had feared. How much easier was it for the beautiful to sin? Only eighteen and already guilty of adultery. Still, he had barely waited for dawn to come for confession. His soul would be fine.

"But you don't understand, while she was there, doing that, her husband found us..."

His soul might not be in mortal danger, but his body certainly would have been. Isabella's husband, Eduardo, was six foot four and built like a cliff-face. He'd played the troll in the production of the Billy-Goats Gruff last year and haven't even needed make-up. Still, the boy didn't appear to have a scratch on him, and the priest was curious despite himself. "And then?" he asked.

"Well, I picked a tomato up straight from the plant and threw it at him. And then while he was blinded, I hit him with all my force straight between the legs. Then I ran out of the garden and through the streets of the town. With my...my everything out for all to see."

It was one thing be fellated by another man's wife, but then to commit violence on his neither regions was to add injury to insult. The public indecency was another thing, though Gabriele but he wouldn't have stopped to do up his fly with Eduardo after him either. Still, God forgives all.

"So I was hiding in an alley behind the bakers, when I heard this giggling and I noticed the baker's twin daughters looking at me and pointing from the backdoor of the shop. Then, just as Eduardo was about to come round the corner shouting about how he was going to kill me, they quickly pulled me inside."

Gabriele know of these two, Bella and Mia. Both angels if you took their weekly confessions at face value. He'd been in the Jesus game long enough to know when someone was holding out on him. Even so he was still amazed by Leondro's next revelation.

"So, there I was standing in the middle of the bakery, and these two girls are looking at my..." again, gesture took the place of word. "and then they insisted on touching it and holding it. Then they told me that if I didn't come up to their bed with them, they'd tell Eduardo where I was. So I went up with them, and I lay with Bella, only, I was halfway though and Mia said I was to lay with her instead, and we ended up all kind of, well, laying together."

Father Gabriele had not had his loins stir for many a year, but hearing of Leondro's adventures, he felt something down below. These young people today, it was beyond belief the things they got up to. A sudden thought occurred to him, "Did you use a condom?"

"No, padre, of course not," the lad said earnestly.

Well that was something, at least, thought the Padre. Wasn't it?

"No, in fact, when I finished, you know, when it was done, Mia came over to Bella and she licked the...I mean, she licked my seed out of her sister. She said doing that avoided pregnancy. I don't think it does avoid pregnancy does it, padre?"

Gabriele was pretty sure it didn't, but this hadn't exactly been covered in detail in the seminary, so he left the question hanging. Besides, his was now similtanously trying to get the the church as past as possible and hiding the fact that he was now fully erect from the many members of his congregation who were shopping in the market square.

"And then..." said Leondro. And then! thought Gabriele. How could there still be an 'And then!'

"And then, after we'd lay for a while. I mean actually lay, like, laid down, they said I had to do it all again. Except this time, they wanted me to do it in the other hole. You know what I mean when I say the other hole, padre?"

Bless the boy. Most people would joke that the clergy knew about nothing but the other hole, but even in so much sin, he still had a certain innocence to him. Fortunately, the church was now only a few steps away.

"And then..." said Leondro. Gabriele patted the pockets of his robes for the keys in great haste. He found them in seconds flat.

"Ah, hear we are. You've told me quite the tale, and it is true that your sins are grievous. But you've done the right thing by coming to find me. Come in, come in and I will give you confession and you can be restored to God's grace." The priest spoke quickly so as to prevent Leondro adding any futher details.

The lad's face suddenly changed to a look of confusion. "Confession?" he said, "I don't need confession."

Now it was Gabriele's turn to looked surprised. "Then why have you been telling me all this?"

"I'm telling everyone, padre," said the lad and gave the priest a friendly slap on the shoulder. "...and then I put my clothes back on and went home."

And then he ran off to tell the mayor.