Congi Que 04

Congi Que 04

I mean, just to give a shout out to all of our Congi Mom's for everything that they had to go through to collectively raise a bunch of Congi Boi's, but, trust me, I'm stopping short of addressing my Congi Mom, Congi Mom Cynthia, since you know, she's my Congi Mom and that would be weird. And being a Congi Boi is weird enough, so, um, my Congi Mom is nice, the end.

[The Pizza Shop front door chime jingle, jangle]

"[A polite head nod] half-sister, Congi Sia Lia Mia."

"[A polite, polite head nod response] half-brother, Congi Que."

"Suzie, I mean, Congi Sia Lia Mia, I confess that on Congi Bar's 18th on a couple of Halloween's ago, I spread a rumor that I stole two kisses from you as the Black Carnary [politely nods head]."

"Congi Que, and I confess that I spread a rumor that night that you're more than two, when your Flash costume clearly said otherwise [politely nods head]."

Um, um, I'll interpret that later.

"[A polite head nod] half-sister, Congi Sia Lia Mia, what did you think of the dysfunctional family meeting last night, hmm?"

"[A polite, polite head nod response] half-brother, Congi Que, what the fuck was that? I mean, shalom, but, um, what the fuck was that, Congi Que? Ooh, oh, shalom, the cheese platter was amazing, shalom."

Well, it's not easy for a new comer to enter the Congi world 19 years late. Anyways, here's a recap of last night's dysfunctional family, that, mind you, had a purpose and a plan.

[A dysfunctional Congi family meeting as called by the collective group of Congi Mom's]

"First of all, stop calling us Congi Mom! We're just Mom! We're regular and all of you are the products of a schmuck that ran amuck with our fertility test tubes! (Inhales) but, shalom, we Congi Mom's love our Congi Boi's and the newly discovered half daughter, Congi Sia Lia Mia, shalom. So, here's the deal, all of us Congi Mom's feel that we deserve a turn in the dating game, so..."

"But Congi Mom, we...."

"Shut it, Congi Bar! I just said to stop calling us Congi Mom! (Inhales) anyways, Congi Mom Cynthia, would you like to take over this fucked up and dysfunctional family meeting then, hmm?"

"Sorry, Congi Mom Lucy, but I've been edited out, but you're doing just fine, Congi Mom Lucy. I mean, ask Congi Mom Betsie or something..."

"Not it!"

"Anyways, agenda item #1 about just referring to each of us Congi Mom's as just Mom, closed [bangs on Breakfast Bar]. Totally dysfunctional Congi family meeting agenda item #2, all of us Congi Mom's have been pulling our Congi hair out for about 19 years now and hear ye, hear ye, all of us Congi Mom's feel that we deserve to get back into the dating pool and we've been going to the Line Dance Club as a Congi Mom group and hear ye, hear ye, I mean, tell a guy that you're a Congi Mom [jazz hands] and they run for it or reach [hand pistol] for the pistol in their boots, so, until further..."

[A Congi Boi hand flays about crazy in the air, but what a perfect balancing act on the bar stool, right?]

"(OMFG) yes, Congi Len? And don't you dare ask me for a crumpled up $10 bill, so?"

"Congi Mom Lucy, we all want all of you Congi Mom's to hit the dating scene and we have a plan! Also, ahem narrator in the clouds!"

[Oops, the perfect balancing act on the bar stool above by Congi Len says something about his Congi booty, which has been noted as the best Congi Boi, boy booty]

"(Thank you) anyways, hear ye, hear ye, all Congi Mom's, we are proud to introduce each of you Congi Mom's with your next outfit for your Line Dance Club outing, ta da, half-sister, Congi Sia Lia Mia, if you would stand and model the special Congi Mom Line Dancing outfit, please and thank you."

You see, folks, one thing you may have never heard about Suzie from the Pizza Shop, I mean, Congi Sia Lia Mia, is that posing comes extremely natural to her. And who fills out an outfit better, right?

And I did steal two lips smacks from Suzie at Congi Bar's 18th Halloween party! I mean, of course, that was before I knew she was my half Congi sister, so, don't make this weird.

"(OMFG), first of all, again, stop referring to us as Congi Mom! Secondly, Congi Mom Carrie, you have to take over, sheesh."

"Oh, gladly, Congi Mom Lucy. First of all, after Congi Mom Lucy's ranting and raving, who of you Congi's thinks that a handful of 40 something Congi Moms can pull off wearing tight red..."

[Congi Bar is waving hand cheerleader style while standing on a bar stool because Congi Bar is that small and well balanced. Oh, and hot]

"Popping red, Congi Mom Carrie, popping red! To catch everyone's eye! Popping red!"

"So, let me get this straight, we Congi Mom's are to wear stretchy "popping" red jeans tucked into our Line Dancing tall boots, then, hmm, is that it?"

[Congi Dae tries to duplicate that prissy missy Congi Bar's bar stool move, but fails! But bounces back up rather quickly!]

"And, and, and, we're turning a blind Congi eye to the sheer blouse and black bra that Congi Sia Lia Mia is gracing us with as the model for the outfits that we already purchased. Or you know, all of you Congi Mom's could just blend in with the Line Dancing crowd in regular blue jeans and you know, be home by 10pm, so?"

"Fuck! Congi Mom's, huddle up! Oh, and agenda item #3, ahem, you Congi Boi's do realize that you're all gawking at your half-sister's black bra and figure, right?"

Oh, um, oh, um, oh, um, um, hey look, the Congi Moms are huddling up!

"Not to mention, ahem, Congi Sia Lia Mia, I believe it's "pose, model and release", ahem!"

"Tee he, oops, but [pouts] I'm new to the Congi ways, so, oops [twists the hand on hip pose], my bad, Boi's!"

[Huddle, huddle, popping red, huddle, huddle, I'm asleep by 11pm as it is, huddle, huddle, they already bought the hot Congi Mom outfits, huddle, huddle, how is Congi Sia Lia Mia not married with that body, huddle, huddle, I can do a sheer blouse, huddle, huddle, ugh, I so need a man to pop off, huddle, huddle, hence, the popping red stretchy jeans, huddle, huddle, Congi Mew probably picked out the new boots, huddle, huddle, break]

"We mean, alright."

[And yay, the Congi crowd goes wild with cheers! Except for half-sister, Congi Sia Lia Mia who seems to be wondering what the fuck is happening here or something]

"Ahem!"

[But look at Congi Sia Lia Mia in that modeling outfit, right? That's straight up Congi ooh, la, la hot!]

"Wait, what the fuck is happening here, hmm? Congi Mew, what the hell are these passes tucked into these badass fucking line dancing boots, hmm?"

"Oh, tee he, Congi Mom Gracie, ask Congi Que!"

"Alright, alright, alright, there are a couple of free passes to my work place, the "Peep & Pull" adult bookstore in the boots, so, what? You're all Congi Mom's and I'm pretty sure your possible dates might keep you on their arm as they run to the bookstore with their loaded pistols and besides, OMG, you're all Congi Mom's and different anyways, so?"

"Fuck! Congi Mom's, huddle up, again!"

[Huddle, huddle, peeping and pulling, huddle, huddle, it's still popping, huddle, huddle, I heard Congi Que installed a wine bar, huddle, huddle, it's mainstream now, huddle, huddle, can we pull their peeps in a booth, huddle, huddle, 46 is just around the corner, Congi ladies, huddle, huddle, we're good Congi Mom's, what the hell is a Congi anyways, huddle, huddle, break]

"We mean, maybe, but none of you Congi's, um, well, hold please, huddle up."

[Huddle, huddle, no, no, none of our Congi Boi's can be there, huddle, huddle, I'm desperate for sex, huddle, huddle, I think sex is doing laundry these days, huddle, huddle, we'll still be good Congi Mom's, break]

"Alright, all Congi hands in the middle as our weird ass agreement method, but only if none of you are to be there!"

[Nope, that "hands in" thing will never make it on TV. Well, unless some producer comes up with Congi Vision or something]

"Wait, I mean, as Congi Sia Lia Mia, I mean, I'm calling a huddle up with the Congi Boi's!"

[Huddle, huddle, I'll be at work, but what will you Congi Boi's do then, huddle, huddle, oh, we're going to your underground goth nightclub, huddle, huddle and finding dates, huddle, huddle, goth dates, huddle, huddle, but I thought you loved me, Boi's, huddle, huddle, we promise to behave, huddle, huddle, the first time, tee he, huddle, huddle, well, you Congi Boi's realize that narrator guy whacks off over you with every Congi segment, right, huddle, huddle..]

[Fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, fap, huh? What?]

[Tee he and now he has Congi girl booty to gawk at, break]

"[A gentle Congi head nod] shalom, Congi Mom's, may the popping be in your Congi Mom favor, shalom."

See, folks? We have family meetings just like everyone else.

"And may the Congi Boi who messes up at my goth club have his head popped off, shalom."

See, just normal brother and sister stuff.

[Hands on hips, two steps forward, twist, kick out right, kick out left, crisscross kick, twist, line dancing makes me dizzy, slight air twerk, kick out right...]

"My, my, Miss Gracie, your legs are popping tonight."

"Is that an apology, Mr. Frank Gordan, hmm?"

[Hands on hips, two steps forward, twist, kick out right, kick out left, crisscross kick, twist, line dancing makes me dizzy, slight air twerk, kick out right...]

"Oh, it is if that gets me a "after club" cocktail at your place, Miss Gracie and I wouldn't even be mad if you brought a crisscross Congi Boi along, tee he [twist left, knee that groin, two steps back], ouch."

[Hands on hips, two steps forward, twist, kick out right, kick out left, crisscross kick, twist, line dancing makes me dizzy, slight air twerk, kick out right...]

"Oops, crisscrossing and slipping in [twist, air twerk to make room, hands on hips]."

"Well, well, if it isn't Congi Sia Lia Mia's, Congi Mom, Lydia! You're hot! And you missed the family meeting."

"[Arms high twirl] Robert Baker wants to do both of you, Congi Mom Lucy, along with Congi Mom (edited), so [twirl left, kick out right]?"

"[Twist left, checks out Congi Mom Lydia] what? Have I been out of the game for so long that men have grown two dicks, hmm?"

[Switch off hands on partners hips] tee he, don't be silly, Congi Mom Lucy, it's just three people in a bed with a little bit of this and then a switch off for a little bit of that, think about it [twirls the stunned Congi Mom Lucy away]."

[Hands on hips, two steps forward, twist, kick out right, kick out left, crisscross kick, twist, line dancing makes me dizzy, slight air twerk, kick out right...]

"[Hip bumps on purpose] I mean, Carrie..."

"[Frightened by attention] I'm Congi Mom Carrie and I have camel toe in these pants, so, what, Phil?"

"[Twist right, spin left, kick out center] and I want to ride your camel, Carrie, like since the first time you came to the Line Dance Club, so?"

"[Two hops forward, one hop backwards] well, maybe I've felt about the same, Phil, but my camel is nearing 46 and I don't even know if it works or drinks [kick out right, center kick, oops, sorry Phil about the shin kick], so?"

'[Heel twist, toe spin, bow] well, my "giddy up" stick is nearing 47, but it still makes a puddle [spin left, spin right, hold]."

"[Hip kick out left, hip kick out right] okay."

Well, that didn't take much. But, yay. I think.

[Hands on hips, two steps forward, twist, kick out right, kick out left, crisscross kick, twist, line dancing makes me dizzy, slight air twerk, kick out right...]

"[Spins and spins and spins] huddle up, Congi Mom's, camel toe might be the key [spins away and tugs, spins away and tugs]."

[Hands on hips, tug those stretchy pants, two steps forward, tug those pants, twist, kick out right, kick out left, crisscross kick, twist, MILF camel toe makes me dizzy, slight air twerk, kick out right...]

"[Awkwardly spins in] so, Betsie, I'm too old for a lot of flirting and courting, so, um, your popping red jeans have caught my eye and I mean, my good eye [awkward stumbles backwards], so?"

"[Oh, Congi Mom Betsie got hip bumping game!] Call me Congi Mom Betsie and back hop me towards the Ladies room, Hank and we'll see if you're too old to pop off [starts the backwards hopping]."

Well, that didn't take much either.

[Hands on hips, two steps forward, twist, kick out right, kick out left, crisscross kick, twist, line dancing makes me dizzy, slight air twerk, kick out right...]

"[Side slips in close] Cynthia, and I mean, Congi Mom Cynthia, I'm not going to stop (bleep, bleep, edit, edit, edit)!"

Well, my story is about our family visit to the goth underground club anyways, so.

[Oh, Congi Mom Cynthia and her double humped camel...]

"Ahem!"

[Had a good time, the end]

Anyways, as I was saying, with the half Congi sister's permission and support to venture out to her goth underground club and find dates. I mean, we Congi Boi's added the "find dates" and all, but still.

[Knock, knock. Knock. Knock, knock, knock. Open the fucking door!]

Yep, that's my half Congi brother, Congi Bar, folks. The smallest and the loudest Congi Boi.

"OMFG, I heard it, but I didn't believe it! You're the quad bipetal, um, coo, coo, achoo squad, right? We've actually been expecting you, um, so, you talk now, okay?"

"Oh, gladly I'll talk now since as the youngest Congi Boi by five days and the cutest, I am often looked upon to be our spokesperson, so, my name is Congi Bar and is your name Buster then, hmm?"

"Um, no, I mean, I'm Jake, Jake the door bouncer, so, um, hey, um, Congi Barstool, um, hey, so?"

"Oh, well, I like you as a Buster and I could see my half Congi brother, Congi Mew, having a weak club moment with a Buster, but I'll move on then."

Yep, that's Congi Bar alright, folks.

"Anyways, as the Congi spokesperson, the irresistible Congi Bar, who now dreams of a boyfriend who might slip up and refer to me as Coo, Coo, Achoo in the bed as pillow talk, this is Congi Dae [gestures], who is playful enough, but always comes in second place to me and this is Congi Len [gestures] and even I bow my head to his Congi booty and that is Congi Mew [gestures] who just snuggled up under your massive arm and [gestures] the tall one, is our enterprising half-brother, Congi Que, who happens to have many other talents as well and manages the "Peep & Pull" adult bookstore and we don't speak of Congi Tam, so?"

LOL, all of you are so jealous not to have such a half-brother, right, tee he? Also, I'll trade! Literally trade up or down!

"Bah, bah, bah, bah..."

And by the way, folks, with as much as Congi Bar identifies literally all of his qualities, like all the time, I mean, have you ever heard him say "and the most vocal one" even once, hmm?

"I mean, I mean, I mean [snuggles up that arm around Congi Mew just a little tighter] um, maybe you can repeat all that again like later, um, Congi Barstool, um, hey, I guess, um, maybe, I mean, I'm the club's bouncer and I'm not supposed to drink, but, wow, I need a stiff one now!"

Tee he, so does Cong Mew! Opps, ahem.

[Um, in slides a manager, maybe??? Especially since goth shoes are not made for sliding in]

"Jake! These are Suzie's, I mean, Congi Sia Lia Mia's half-brothers, so, um, let me see if I have all this straight, um, here [hands off eight $10 bills to Congi Len], I mean, a couple of people, I mean, guys and gals, um, bought and brought a few, um, Frozen Curly Whirly Frozen Freezes and they are in the cooler behind the short bar with Gigi and um..."

"Oh, I have to go right now, Mr. Manager and I mean, right now because those couple of people are my dates now and I cannot nor will I ever ignore a date! And I reward my fancy beverage providers will plenty of lip smacks, so, I mean, I hope that kissing is allowed in the club, even though it doesn't matter because I'm doing it anyways and which way is the lovely Gigi and her short bar, hmm, Mr. Manager?"

Oh, don't cover your eyes on behalf fella's, Congi Len has the booty and that booty sounds off like a bass drum when he walks, so, it's okay, we all know of our specialties and talents, so, peek away.

[Ba boom, hey! Ba boom, hey there! Ba boom, well, hey there, hey! Ba boom]

And a couple of Frozen Curly Whirly Frozen Freezes is like sex to Congi Len, so, he'll be fine for a while. It's the fella's that I worry about, tee he.

"Whew, that was some drum beat walk away! Anyways, um and um, you must be Congi Bar, right? The one who is, um, all that and some then more, um, some people are holding a seat for you at the tall table in the black light corner and um, well, I mean, I'm Trevor the club manager and um, you just jump around like a cheerleader if you need help and um, well, I mean, some people are holding a seat for you and you like wine coolers, right? Clear pink, right?"

"I feel overdressed by two blouse buttons, Manager Trevor!"

LOL, pause please because Manager Trevor got wobbly legs for a moment. And wobbly fingers when he tried to help Congi Bar with those two buttons. And it was okay since our prissy missy half-brother, Congi Bar always wears a nice sports bra and a crop top, which I'm obligated to say or you know, Congi Bar [jazz hands] will say it, so. Wait, OMG! Just under the crop top, OMFG!

[Hold please, OMFG, in all of the segments and scenes that I have narrated and of all of the belly wrap jewelry that I have seen (and I really like the wrap around snake jewelry wraps), I mean, I have never, ever...]

"(Gasp, slaps forehead) OMG."

"(Gasp, slaps cheeks) OMG."

"(Gasps, hand up to mouth) OMG."

"(Gasps, eye balls that) well, that's hot and I'm Fred and I want to be your Freddy tonight!"

[I have never, ever saw a belly wrap piece of jewelry made from a fabric tape measure! And that joining number where the ends meet!]

Yep, that's my half Congi brother, Congi Bar, folks! I mean, add arts & crafts to his long list of attributes, I guess (skinny little bitch!)

"Freddy, I will need restroom security sooner or later if I have a couple of pink clear wine coolers, so?"

Well, I'm sure Freddy will take care of that when he wakes up from being passed out, later. And you can watch Congi Bar strut away into the crowd as well, I mean, some people like their packages super small and super tight, which barely jiggles at all, which maybe you like, so, um, I'm just slightly taller people!

"[Fingers snap, finger snap] snap out of it, Mr. Trevor the Manager!"

[Wobbly fingers snap's out of it] I mean and then, and then and then, I mean, you're Congi Dae then, right? The ugly duckling who has never been the ugly duckling, but needs to assert his Congi value and persona more, um, the DJ wants to talk to you and um, um, wasn't Congi Bar supposed to lip smack me or something, I mean..."

[Smooch!] I always have Congi Bar's back, Trevor. [Smack, smooch, smack] what's the DJ's name, hmm?"

"Um, lips, um, soft lips, ugh, I mean, tasty lips, I mean, DJ Tasty, I mean, I'm sweating here, I mean it's DJ Tee and um, then that leaves the smart one, um, Congi Que, right, I mean, oh boy, Congi Que, I mean, if you get hit on too much, I mean, throw one of your long arms in the air and um, Teeny Tiny Jaye Lie has a vampire cape or something for you to wear and I mean, I mean, she probably going to set up a goth night at your bookstore, but you know, I'm just the club manager who wears regular shoes and a cheap sports jacket and all, so, that party might not include me directly, so, I mean, I mean..."

Correction! Trevor the Manager puts Congi Bar to shame when it comes to babbling!

But damn it, ugh, before I knew it, all of my half Congi brothers dispersed into the crowd! Well, except for Congi Mew who almost disappeared into the bouncer's arms, so. With, ewe, ick, ewe, some leg wrapping stuff. Not that Jak the bouncer went all "ick, ewe, ick" or anything. And no, I'm not jealous! (Much)