Conversations With a Loving Wife

"Oh, for Christ sake."

"Anyway, everyone just sat down, but we were expecting you, so we already have a place set. You are over there between your sister and Julie."

"But, Nick. There's only one place there. Where is Stan supposed to sit?"

"Who?"

"Stan! Oh, for God's sake. FINE! ASSWIPE! FUCKFACE! DICKHEAD! WERE THE HELL IS MY FIANCE SUPPOSED TO SIT?"

[Hilarious laughter]

"Oh. Sorry. Forgot about him. Go sit down and I'll take care of it."

"Here. All set. I got him set up in the corner over there."

"But Nick. Those are dog bowls, and there isn't a chair or table there."

"I'm sorry, but everything else is already being used. We have a lot of people here, so these bowls are all that is available. As you can see, all the chairs are already in use, and there is no more room at the table. Don't worry. I'm sure that a person of his moral fiber is more than used to eating like this. We can all throw a few scraps into his dish for him. He should have plenty to eat. I'll even put some water in the other bowl for him to drink."

"You didn't even get him any silverware! Are you seriously expecting him to just eat with his hands? He's not a dog, you know!"

"Of course, he's not a dog! Good God, Mother! Do you really think that I would insult innocent, loyal animals like that? Besides, all the silverware is already being used."

"Call me when you need me to come back and pick you up, Connie."

[Door slams]

"Bye, Asswipe" in multiple harmony.

6-months later:

[Darth Vader Theme Ringtone]

"Hi, Mother. What's up?"

"April. Where are you? The service is about to start."

"First off, I'm in Germany. Didn't I tell you I was being deployed there? Second, what service?"

"MY WEDDING! Stan and I are getting married today. You are supposed to be here. You're one of my bridesmaids"

"Ooops. My bad. Must have forgotten. Oh well. It's not like marriage vows mean anything to you two anyway. Be sure to send me a picture. Sorry, I'm on duty. Got to run."

"April. April! APRIL! Shit. She hung up. Fuck!"

[Death March Ringtone]

"Hi, mom."

"Julie! Where are you? The ceremony is about to start."

"Oh. Is that today? Shit!"

"Well hurry over. I can stall for a little bit, but the girls need to get in their Flower Girl dresses, and you in your Maid of Honor dress. Fuck! Also, do you know where Nick is? His son is the Ring Bearer, and Nick is supposed to walk me down the aisle!"

"Damn, mom. I'm sorry. I forgot. Unfortunately, I can't make it. Dad had to go to the hospital again, and I'm with him. I can't just leave him here alone. Haven't seen Nick, either. Sorry. I'm sure that there are a couple of other little girls that you can get for flower girls. Send me some pictures. Maybe I can come by towards the end of the reception later this evening. Got to go, they're about to take Dad back. Bye."

"Julie! Fuck!"

[Devil Went Down to Georgia Ringtone]

"Hey, mom. What's up?"

"Nick! Are you almost here?"

"Almost where, mom?"

"At the church! Are you almost here at the church?"

"Church? What church? And why would I be at a church today? Sunday isn't until tomorrow."

"What the hell is wrong with everyone today? At the church for my wedding! Your son is the ring bearer, and you are supposed to walk me down the aisle! The service is supposed to start in a couple of minutes!"

"Oh, shit. That's today?"

"Yes! It's today! Now, please tell me that you are almost here."

"'Fraid not, mom. We're still at home."

"You mean that you are still at your Hotel? How far away is that?"

"No, mom. I mean that we are still at HOME. We must have forgotten about it and never made flight or hotel reservations. Besides, June was scheduled to work today. We can try to be there next weekend, though."

"Oh, fuck. This is a disaster. April is in Germany and Julie is at the hospital with Dan. Maybe I can find Gabe to walk me down the aisle."

"OK. Good luck. Send me some pictures."

"Shit, shit, shit, shit."

[WONK! WONK! WONK! WONK! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! Ringtone]

"Hey, Mom. Haven't heard from you for a while. What's up?"

"Gabe! Please tell me that you're here."

"Uuuummm, where's that, mom?"

"Oh fuck. Not you too."

"What are you talking about?"

"Gabe! Today is my wedding! You're supposed to be at the church. The ceremony is supposed to start right now!"

"Oh. Sorry. I thought that there was something that was supposed to be going on today."

"Well, I need you here as fast as you can. Nick was supposed to walk me down the aisle, but he never even came out. I need you to get dressed and get her fast, so you can walk me down the aisle."

"Oh. Sorry mom. I doubt that I'll be able to make it until sometime later tonight. Dad had to go into the hospital, and I am watching Julies kids so she can be with him. She called, and it doesn't sound like she will be back until late this evening at the earliest."

"Oh. The girls are with you? That's even better. You can bring them with you. They're supposed to be the flower girls anyway."

"Sorry, mom, but Julie has her car seats with her, and I can't drive the girls anywhere without car seats. Besides, we are really busy cleaning up dad's apartment. With his health problems, he hasn't been able to really take care of things for a while. I'll try to make it for at least part of the reception, but send me some pictures anyway. Sorry, Julie is calling. Got to go."

"But, but, but..."

Approximately 2-years and 3-months later:

"That was a beautiful service. Dan would have loved it."

"What are you doing here, Mother? You divorced him, remember?"

"Of course, I remember. I was also reminded of that when Stan and I were forced to sit at the back of the Sanctuary."

"Well, the ushers probably didn't want any collateral damage from the lightning bolts. I'm surprised that Asswipe didn't burst into flames when he entered the church."

"Very funny, April."

"So, why are you here?"

"I came to pay my respects to a man who was a large part of my life for a long time."

"I didn't even know that you cared that he died."

"Of course, I care. Unfortunately, I had to find out from the newspaper that he died. You know, it wouldn't kill any of you to call me every once in a while, to let me know what's going on. Why do I have to be the one calling all of you?"

"I'm really not sure. It may have something with the way you destroyed my dad."

"I did not do that to him. I tried to be amicable in the divorce."

"Really? You forget that I read the divorce petition. I know exactly what your demands were."

"That was just supposed to be a starting point. He was supposed to get a lawyer and make a counter offer. He didn't."

"Of course, he didn't, mother. You had just killed him. The one true, great love of his life had just blindsided him with the news that she had been cheating on him for over a year, then served him with a divorce ON HIS FUCKING BIRTHDAY! Why was he going to fight when he had nothing left to fight for? You stabbed him in the heart when you confessed to your cheating and gave him the divorce petition. He actually died when the judge banged the gavel ending your marriage. It just took a couple of years for his heart to finally stop beating."

"Well, that was his choice. I fell in love with someone else and had to move on with my life. He should have just moved on with his. Instead, he decided to crawl inside a bottle of Jim Beam and stay there."

"Whatever, mom. Now that you paid your lack of respects to him, I suggest that you leave -- fast. You see those guys over there that look like NFL linebackers? They were really good friends of dads, and they seem to have just recognized who Asswipe is. They don't look happy. I suggest you two run."

"Shit."

A few years later:

[KNOCK -- KNOCK -- KNOCK]

"Oh, hello mother."

"April, why didn't I get an invitation to your wedding?"

"What do you mean? Of course, I sent you an invitation."

"I never got it. In fact, I wouldn't have even known about it if I hadn't run into Delores at the store yesterday."

"Well, that's odd. It must have somehow gotten lost in the mail, but I thought sure that we had received your RSVP. We just went over the final place settings with the caterer last night. You will be sitting at the head table, right beside me."

"Oh, good. By the way, how come you never brought your girlfriend by so I could meet her? Especially, since you are getting married."

"What do you mean you've never met her? She was there for Thanksgiving and Christmas last year. I'm sure that you met her then."

"No, honey. Don't you remember? We were told that we were not to come, because Dan was going to be there. Nick was very adamant about that. He spent a lot of money to fly him in, and he was afraid that having Dan and I in the same room would be disastrous."

"Oh, right. I forgot."

"Well, you could have brought her by some other time."

"Yeah, unfortunately, I am only given a certain amount of leave. Also. Between having to fly back from Europe, then get back again, it takes a lot of time. We don't really come back that much. Now that my enlistment is up, we should have a lot more time to be here. That's why we were waiting to get married."

"Oh, good. I can't wait to have you visit more."

"OK, mom. You should get to your seat. The ceremony is about to start."

"Oh. That's another thing that I needed to ask you about. I'm the mother of the bride. I should be sitting in the front, but they stuck us all the way in the back."

"Well, didn't you show the usher your invitation? They are supposed to seat people based on the invitation. People who didn't bring an invitation are to be seated in the back."

"April, I told you that we never got it. Can't you tell someone that we need to be moved up to the front?"

"Sorry, mom. I think that the front is already full. You know, with Nick and his family, Julie's kids and her date, along with Gabe and his girlfriend. I think that the front pew is already full. Besides, the ceremony is starting in about another minute or two, so there isn't time for me to find someone and get you moved closer. Speaking of which, I really need to get moving. See you at the reception."

A couple hours later:

"April. There you are. I need to find out when and where the pictures are going to be taken, so Stan and I could be there and be in the pictures. I've been looking all over for you. By the time Stan and I got out of the church, you were gone."

"Oh, that's why you weren't there. I was looking for you so you could be in them. As family of the bride, you were supposed to be ushered out with the rest of the family in front. Why didn't you just follow the rest of the family to the waiting limousines? I was really disappointed that you weren't there. Unfortunately, the pictures are already done, and the photographer is gone. Anyway, did you find your seat?"

"First off, April, I told you right before the ceremony that the ushers sat us at the back of the church. We were the last row that was let out. By the time we went outside, there were no limousines there. Second, there was only my seat at the head table. We need to bring in another seat beside me for Stan."

"I'm sorry, mom, but the head table is full. Since Asswipe's name wasn't included in the RSVPs, I just assumed that he wasn't coming. That's OK. I'm sure that we can probably find a seat for him somewhere in the room."

Two weeks later:

[Darth Vader Theme Ringtone]

"Hello, Mother."

"April! I am very disappointed in you."

"Oh, I'm doing great, mother. Aruba was fantastic, mother. Christy and I had a wonderful time, Mother. The weather there was perfect, mother. Thank you for asking how my honeymoon went, mother."

"Don't smart talk me, young lady. I just want you to know that Stan was totally humiliated by your behavior at the wedding."

"Well, it was his own fault for being there in the first place. Perhaps he should learn not to crash a party that he isn't invited to."

"Did you have to put him at the table with all your gay male guests? They kept hitting on him all night."

"No, mother. I didn't have to put him there. I put him there because I wanted to and it made me laugh."

"And for the Father/Daughter dance, you completely ignored him, even though he is your step-father. Instead, you chose to dance with your bride's step-father as she danced with her real father. You should have danced with Stan."

"Actually, Christy and I switched partners half way through the dance, so she could dance with both of them. Furthermore, do you really think that I would allow that scumbag to touch me?"

"But, why did you refuse to dance with him during the Dollar Dance? He was going to give you a $100 bill during the dance."

"He would have needed a semi-truck load of them before I even considered letting him touch me."

"April. I am warning you. If you don't stop this attitude with me and your uncivilized behavior towards Stan, you are in serious jeopardy of losing any relationship with me."

"Well, Thank God, Mother. It's taken long enough."

"What do you mean?"

"Seriously, Connie? Are you really that stupid? When was the last time Nick, Julie, Gabe, or I called you? Ever since you admitted your affair with Shithead and divorced my daddy, not a one of us has initiated a single communication with you. In fact, we have actually gone out of our way to avoid seeing you. Ever wonder why you only go to events that you accidently find out about? Do you really believe that your invitation to my wedding was lost in the mail? Does it ever occur to you to wonder why Julie never asks you to babysit anymore, or why the only time that you ever see your grandchildren is when you show up to their house uninvited? Do you seriously believe that we forgot your wedding date? We all marked it on our calendars so that we could make sure that we made sure that we had other commitments and were not accidentally free that day. Well, let me lay it out for you. The day you sprang the divorce on my daddy is the same day that your relationship with us as our mother died. Not only did you kill him, you killed our relationship with you too. None of us had initiated communication with you since that day. So, your little threat is invalid. None of us have had a relationship with you for a long time already. Please do us all a favor and lose our numbers. Don't call us. Don't come and visit us. Don't text, email, facetime, or communicate with us in any way, shape, or form. Leave us ALONE! You are dead to us!"

"Oh God. What have I done?"