Dawn of the Bimbarian

"Indeed?" The wizard lifted a great, bushy eyebrow. "Well I'm glad. My Tower is often empty of voices. Of course I have my Hounds, they'll reform in due time, rest assured. And I have my other creations, you might see those later. But I do sometimes long to exchange words with someone who is on my level. There are so very few who are, you understand. Before we begin...whatever is to occur between us, would you like to see what I've been researching? I believe a man with a keen observational eye would definitely appreciate my discovery."

Braid hid his interest between a mask of mere polite engagement. Was this some kind of new magic? A rare artefact he was researching? He could double the asking price if it was something new, that had not even been seen before in the world.

"If you're offering, that sounds intriguing."

Vhule clapped his enormous hands together, a sound not unlike thunder. "Magnificent! Please, follow me."

He led Braid out of the library area of the room and over to a large workbench, covered in various types of alchemical equipment. Nothing registered as valuable there, beyond the price of clear glass. Which was substantial in most places, but not worth the hassle of keeping from shattering while leaping out of a tall building.

The Wizard took a moment to straighten some kind of crystal apparatus on the table before continuing. "My most famous discipline is in the work of shadows and light, as you have clearly seen. For instance." He moved some lenses, twisted a large piece of what looked like quartz, and watched with visible satisfaction as an image flickered to life above the workbench. It was a list of figures and numbers, all surrounding a core of six rotating orbs. Braid had seen illusionists before, but this looked like something beyond a mere light-show. This was recorded information being projected from a singular point via some unknown power.

"Interesting, but perhaps a bit prosaic. I'm sure you could render the same details onto paper just as readily."

"Oh, but this is not a single image, but a series of them. Behold!" He clicked a button on the apparatus, and the orbs moved into a single vertical line. "But this is a mere trifle. A trinket on the wall. My true masterpiece, if I may call something incomplete a masterpiece, is my recent research into the fundamental forces that comprise light. But not just light, but of air, of sound, of the very matter and substance of the universe. I have distilled them down into six quantities. Six...attributes that seem to govern the very nature of our world and many of the others I've gazed upon." He turned to face Braid, a grin finally lighting up his otherwise dolorous expression. "Still consider this 'prosaic'?"

Braid mentally changed gears. Before he had been interested but had to pretend otherwise. Now he had to appear like it enthralled him when nothing could be further from the truth. The scholarly ramblings of an out of touch academic would not make him rich. But he let him continue.

"Consider me at least moderately interested. But what are the applications of such a discovery?"

He scoffed, batting the idea away as if it was a gnat. "The applications are besides the point! Don't you see? With this knowledge we could catalogue everything, everyone, and give them a statistical breakdown of their very existence. Behold!" He leapt over to another one of the crystal devices, aimed it at Braid, and fired. A beam of light shot out, focused beyond anything he'd ever seen before. Since light moved several times faster than a horse, it was impossible for him to dodge out of the way. But it wasn't an attack. No, it was...something else.

The beam of light bounced off of him and back to the point of power crystal display. The six orbs vibrated, then split open to reveal a set of numbers from each: from top to bottom, they were 12, 20, 10, 12, 8, and 14.

"What does it mean?"

"From what I gather from experiments on animals and adventurers, I've assigned preliminary names to these attributes. For instance, the highest one you have is 20. That appears to correlate to reflexes, nerves, and hand-eye coordination. A trait I would expect to be high in someone with your profession." He said, casting a weary eye at the blades on Braid's belt.

"Fascinating," he said, though a part of him was rattled despite himself. Being peered into and reduced to some base calculus was disquieting, not to mention potentially revealing. It was a good thing that the skills needed to be a good blade for hire were the same ones as being a thief. "And the lowest one? Does that represent tact? Perhaps moral fibre?"

A genuine laugh escaped the Wizard's lips. "No, from what I've determined, that represents sound judgement and the knowledge of experience. As someone who walked into my Tower and expected to end my life, I believe you can agree that might be your weakest trait."

Braid couldn't argue there. "And you, Master Wizard? What attributes are you strongest in?"

With not a small amount of pride, Vhule brought up his own reading. 8, 12, 10, 22, 18, 10.

"Some of the aspects you are strong in, I falter. And my own advantage, the fourth statistic for instance, is likely indicative of someone of great mental fortitude and capacity to learn. Something I consider a carefully cultivated virtue rather than an innate ability, but nevertheless. And as for application, there is one I've been tinkering with."

From underneath the workbench he pulled a heavy staff, which clanged with a metal resonance as he set it down, hard, onto the bench's surface. Braid's hackles rose, a cold chill sliding down his spine. A Wizard's staff was his weapon, a focus of his power. Atop the staff, clutched in the sculpted image of a bird's talons, was another crystal. This one of starmetal, a match to the material which comprised his blades.

"What would happen," the Wizard said, his tone noticeably less convivial, "If one were to try to change these numbers. Would the thing in question change to match? Were the numbers descriptive, or prescriptive? That's something I've been endeavouring to find out, but since you're here, I believe I have a test subject. Someone I can ask questions of before...and after"

The Wizard may have been smart, but he'd given away his ability to fire a beam attack with his first display. Braid detected Vhule's move to lift his staff to aim it at the very first twist of his head and reacted accordingly. Bolting from a dead stop to a sprint in a few strides, he leapt over other benches covered in notes and objects of import before taking cover behind a box of whatsits.

The beam that lanced overhead of him was similar to the one that had scanned him, but rather than a monocoloured white, this one was a prismatic rainbow. All the colours in the world reaching out to kill him. Or worse.

"And what exactly am I the test subject for?" he shouted, hoping to keep the magical buffoon talking and give him time to think of a plan.

"It's simple. If one can see the numbers that make up the person, you can surely change the numbers with the same power. This null light spell, channelled through a prism of starmetal, ought to cause an effect called Total Statistical Reversal, or TSR for short. Results were inconclusive when used on inanimate objects, so I'm excited to see what happens when used on a living being."

Braid rolled, dodging another beam that hit the crate he'd been using for cover. It momentarily shuddered, then its surface hardened, becoming stone like, before collapsing in a puff of dust. For all his pretence of discovery, it looked like all the Wizard managed to do was make yet another type of Death Beam.

Countering this would be difficult...but not impossible. He pulled Aperi from its sheath and slit a hole in space behind the pillar serving as his current hiding spot. If he could cut a second hole, he could use them to get behind the Wizard and surprise him when he least expected it. But before he could finish the cut, he heard footfalls directly opposite the pillar. With another desperate move, he dived backward and skittered behind one of the bookcases in the library area. Technicolour death burned through the air next to Braid. It slammed into a pile of books. The books started to scream, something that books should not do, then they flew away, flapping the front and back covers like wings.

So it wasn't a Death Beam. Something like a Fate Worse than Death Beam. Exciting.

"Surprised you'd be willing to shoot up your library so readily. I'd expect those were expensive." He needed to stall for time and distance. Then try to cut another hole. He pulled his nightwood bow from around his shoulder and knocked an arrow. Popping out of cover, he loosed at the Wizard. It slapped weakly against an invisible barrier, much to Vhule's amusement. He'd loose two more arrows before giving up, each skidding ineffectually to the ground. He tossed the bow in frustration.

"You'd think so, but all their contents are already within my extensively catalogued mind. I could throw the contents of this entire library in the flames and would not miss it. Well, maybe a few volumes. Sentimental value, you understand."

"Oh, of course," Braid said with a roll of his eyes. Well, there went the idea of using the books as hostages. But there were at least enough shelves to keep cover. Braid waited for the footfalls to move to the left, then shuffled over to the right. But lifting his feet became harder the more steps he took. Like his legs were made of lead. He looked down to see hands. Hands. Hands made entirely of shadow. Dozens, maybe hundreds of them. They sprouted from the tiles like a grotesque forest, grasping at his lower body. Holding him in place.

He tried to push through them, but the more he moved the stronger they became. He slashed at them with his daggers, and they vanished. But for every one he cut through, two would take their place. In a mad frenzy to get free he squatted down and went to work, hacking them apart into shreds of nothing. But as his feet gained the ability to move, the Wizard was upon him once more.

"This is bullshit," Braid growled.

"I'm a Wizard," Vhule replied, "Did you expect a fair fight? It was a good chase, however. You'd have made for a formidable opponent in my younger days. I should like to keep you around, if possible." There was no compassion in his voice, only a cold curiosity. He had the disposition of an entomologist about to stick a pin in a prized capture while it was still wriggling.

Which Braid was. Despite the shadow hands locking his feet in place, he could still move his arms. The Wizard aimed his staff like one might with a crossbow. At this range, ten feet at most, there was no chance of a miss even if Braid timed a dodge correctly. And there'd be no throwing the knives at this range without getting blasted before he could cock his arm. He only had one chance at the plan he had in mind. If he was too quick, the Wizard would see through his scheme and easily counter it. But if he was too slow, he'd be pinned to the board and labled "Braid the Thief: Died For Being Too Slow"

"Do it already. Tired of the sound of your voice."

The Wizard's lip curled. "We'll see how you feel after the TSR. Perhaps you'll enjoy my voice. Or if you'll even have ears." The staff's crystal glowed. It was point blank range, Braid couldn't use his legs, and he was facing a Wizard several times his own age in terms of experience. But he had one advantage: he was the fastest godsdamn blade on the planet.

Clutching Aperi tight with an underhanded grip, he lifted the blade up and out, hoping against hope that he could find a knick in time to slice wide open. Time stretched into the infinite, heartbeats lasted decades. His blade caught and he pushed it in with all his might, then tore reality asunder. The rainbow beam burst out from the starmetal tip...

...but it didn't reach Braid. It disappeared into the space in front of him, right where he'd sliced the hole in space. There it ventured for an undefined amount of space and time until it found another hole to escape through. The closest one, in fact.

The one Braid had cut behind the pillar, which was currently aimed directly at Vhule's back.

The rainbow beam slammed home, snapping the invisible shield around him like a band of rubber. The Wizard screamed, staff falling from his hands as a great glowing aura enveloped him. The shadowed hands dissipated, and Braid wasted no time skittering back on all fours out of the way of what could have easily been a magical overload. They used to call combat mages Torches back in the day, for their propensity to explode during battle and take out their own troops. He had no conception of what was about to happen.

There was no explosion, but that was all he could conclude. A ball of energy and light enveloped the Wizard, warping and curling in a kaleidoscope of colours. Finally, the bubble burst. The magic light faded. There, lying in a puddle of fallen robes, was the Wizard. Although there was very little visible to confirm that. There was an exposed ankle here, an elbow there. And where there was ageing flesh, the skin had turned supple and youthful again. The short greying hair had become wild, curly and redder than Braid had ever seen on a person before. But as the creature writhed against the fabric, it revealed something else that made it clear there was a substantial change to the Wizard's form.

Falling free of the fabric was an enormous pair of breasts.

"W-whuh happened? Did I win?" the Wizard, if that's what she was, asked in bleary confusion. Her eyes peered out from her messy scarlet locks, dangling just low enough to partially conceal a constellation of freckles. She felt around for something. Her staff, perhaps. But the first thing her hands found were her prodigious tits. "What the heck? What are these?!"

"They look like breasts to me." Braid couldn't hide his smile. Not only was she attractive, but she didn't seem all that bright either. In other words: Braid's ideal Friday night.

"I KNOW that, you fool! But what are they doing on my chest! And...what is this?" She threw open her robes to reveal that not only was she wearing no underclothes, but between her legs waited another surprise. She had a cock of impressive size, enough to match her upper half in terms of endowment. But why it was there raised plenty of questions.

"What exactly did that beam do to you?" Braid asked, as confused as he was amused.

"Well, it was a Total...Stamis...Statest...curse it, I can't...there's something wrong with my head." She touched her forehead, displacing some of the wild red hair that spilled down.

"Well," Braid began, kneeling down to fling away the staff before she grabbed at it, "You were saying something about the beam reversing your metaphysical numbers. Maybe the statistic you said had something to do with your intelligence?"

She nodded slowly, then a look of horror dawned on her face. "My smarts? They got moved around? But I'm a big brained powerful Wizard!" She flicked her wrist, moving her fingers in patterns, then stopped. "How did it...it was...it was so easy like two seconds ago!" She looked like she was about to cry. After all they'd gone through in the last hour, Braid couldn't help but feel a little bad for the mindblasted magician.

"Hey now. It might not be all bad. Why don't you try doing some other things, maybe you've gained other abilities to compensate?"

She nodded with hesitation, slowly getting to her feet. Making no move to cover herself, she explored her new body. It was shorter than its previous shape, maybe losing a foot and a half in height. What it lost, though, it more than made up for in mass. Not only did she now sport an incredible physique, something that made Braid just a touch jealous, but her body curved and bounced in all the right places to make her the kind of thing that a knight might dream about while on campaign.

But there was the matter of her enormous weapon. Braid had seen many women with such equipment over the years, but none so prodigious. It was longer than his own by a wide margin.

"Well, I have this at least," she said, poking the appendage like it was a curious item on her dinner plate. "I guess I should be proud but...oh...oh no!" Her face flushed as the realization that she was naked and exposed in front of an enemy finally reached her. She made a move to cover her cock, decided that was a futile gesture, moved to her breasts, then gave up. They were simply too big.

"It's alright dear," Braid said, taking her hand and leading her over to one of the reading chairs in the library section. He sat her down, far from any magical items or weapons and, he noted with a bit of mischievousness, the concealment of her robe. "Let's take things slowly. Do you have a name you'd prefer right now? Vhule Penumbra seems a little-"

A flicker of the old Wizard appeared, just behind her eyes. "That's Vhule Penumber, you peasant! I am the Scourge of the Sea Kingdoms, the Nightbringer, the Anti...Anta.... Dangit...I'm the something of Dawn..."

"What about...Dawn?"

She seemed to chew on that idea for a while. A long while. Then, in a flicker, her face lit up with a smile. "Y'know, I think I like that! Like a pretty sunrise! Dawn it is then, at least for now."

"Alright. Now Dawn, I'm going to take a look around for a while, alright? You stay here and rest."

She nodded once, then tilted her head. "Hey, wait a minute...you're not gonna try and steal anything, are you?" The former Wizard grabbed his hand...and began to crush it. His face turned white as he decided that he'd found out where the intelligence points had gone. She was as strong as an ox!

"No, of course not," he whispered through gritted teeth, "I just want to make sure there's nothing dangerous around. Magical spells about to explode without upkeep, that kind of thing."

Dawn released her grip, and Braid let out a breath. He'd need to keep her distracted if he was going to case the room properly.

"Why don't you take some time to get acquainted with your new body. That's like discovering a whole new world! For instance," he stroked her shaft, gently, to see how she'd respond. "How does this feel?"

"It...it feels good, I think. Different from how it used to. There's so much more, like all the touching is spread out..." The dreamy tone of her voice, however, said that she was getting sufficiently distracted.

He smiled. "Well, that just means you might have to get creative. Say...it's pretty big, and you're pretty flexible. What do you think about..." Braid put his hand underneath the head and bent it slowly backward until it faced her mouth. He pulled back her foreskin, eliciting a gasp from her as she gazed upon its head for the first time.

"Umm...I don't know..." she said, but her eyes were locked onto it. Her plump lips parted on their own, and a trickle of drool escaped to drip onto its surface.

"Go on, try it. You might like it. It'll be more fun than reading all these old boring books, I can bet you that." He aimed the cock head further, sliding it into her open mouth. There was a beat as she tasted her own dick for the first time. Then, her eyes rolled back, her tongue glided along its surface, and he knew she was in love.

"Feelsh sho good..." Dawn slurred, unable to let it leave her mouth long enough to form the words. Hard to believe she was one of the five most powerful Wizards in history mere minutes before.

Braid rubbed her messy red hair. "There's a good girl. You play with your magic wand, and I'll take a quick look around, okay?" The only reply was a series of slurping noises, so he took that as approval enough to get to work.

Anything vaguely valuable looking but small enough to carry by hand went in a pile. Gems, small weapons, even a few of the more obviously expensive books. He kept getting distracted by the noises coming from the library section. A well hung redhead had her legs splayed out and her lips wrapped around her enormous cock head. It was getting harder to ignore the bulging in his own smallclothes.