Dead and Horny Ch. 17

"Ugh, I can feel how horny these people are from here." Lily scowled and mimed wiping mud off her body. Dana pulled a dark blazer out of her bag and slipped into it.

"Wait, horny?" Dana looked up at Lily as she hung an ID card around her neck. Eulalie had been able to find the template in the event center's records. "What do you mean horny? For Deacon?"

"Yeah, there's plenty of that, too." Lily wrinkled her nose in frustration. "Have you ever been in a bathroom where someone took a massive shit and then sprayed something floral to cover the smell?"

"Charming. But yes." Dana kicked off her shoes for a nicer pair of flats that came out of her bag.

"It's like that."

"Gross. So what are they horny for if it's not Deacon?" Dana pulled a dark wig out of her bag and slipped it over her head, adjusting it until it sat correctly. Her hair had been braided tightly against her skull to allow for this, a feat that Eulalie had accomplished in less than a minute back at the apartment. The Arachne had done a last second check-in on them before sending her agents of chaos out into the world. This had worked out because Eulalie had been plenty interested to learn that the Order had a project she was unaware of, which meant she hadn't fully infiltrated their network yet.

"You would have looked so good as a redhead." Lily moved close to examine Dana's face. "Probably too good."

"Just call me Jane Plain." Dana pointed at her tag, which had the name Jane P. in red letters next to her face. "Which was kind of the point. Now are you going to answer my question?"

Lily sighed and sauntered over to the door, her breasts drooping toward her belly as a shawl appeared across her shoulders. She now had the appearance of an older woman in her fifties. "I hate talking about this stuff, but you're still hot underneath that get up, so I'll dish. There are generally three kinds of people at events like this, and I hate them all."

Dana held up her fingers. "Old people, people who hate sex...I can't think of the third."

Lily swatted Dana's hand down. "It's not about demographics, darling. No, let me tell you about the three kinds of people who pay good money to come and listen to someone talk about religion." She moved over toward the entrance and looked through the window.

Seeing a wandering guard, Lily shifted away from the window to face Dana. "First, we have the curious. They want to see what the hubbub is all about, a loved one brought them along, or they want to know more about the big man in the sky."

"Why hate them for that?" Dana ran her fingers along the base of her wig, checking for stray hairs. "I guess they've got to learn about it somewhere."

"Please. The instant you start asking people for money to hear you preach about basic human decency, you've already disqualified yourself. The man running this show doesn't give jack shit about anything other than what can make his pockets heavier. A basic internet search and half a brain cell will tell you that Sky Daddy was never into making money off of His believers, nor did He want people paying someone just to hear about His book. When you consider that this asshole is just here to talk about his own, you do the math."

Dana stared at Lily for a moment, then nodded. "I guess that makes sense. Shouldn't have to be rich to get into Heaven."

"So those are the people I hate the least. Now the other two kinds of people, they're the gross ones. We have the people who are desperate to get into heaven and will do anything to get there, except try to contemplate the actual instruction manual to get in. The idea of throwing money at the Pearly Gates until they open has mass appeal because it's easy. And finally, we have the people who are here because they literally don't know any better. They just want someone to tell them what to do, the less they have to think about it, the better!"

"And all these people are, what, horny to get into heaven?"

Lily nodded. "Lust comes in many forms. Religious fervor is among my least favorite, and it smells like shit."

Dana moved next to the door and looked out the window. "Don't take this the wrong way, but I figured you would be glad that these guys are doing it wrong. I mean, isn't a demon's whole M.O. to corrupt souls or whatever?"

Lily contemplated Dana for several moments with a frown. "Do you really think that's what demons want? To just wreck some shit before the End of Days?"

"If not, then enlighten me." Dana crossed her arms. "It'll give me something to think about while I'm wandering around trying to find one of your distant relatives."

"I love it when you're spicy." Lily gently pinched Dana's chin. "Remember, demons are just fallen angels. Do you even know why they fell?"

Dana shrugged. "Something about pride and jealousy. Lucifer wanted to perform a corporate takeover and a bunch of other angels joined in."

"Have you read the Bible?" Lily cocked an eye at Dana.

"Yep. Thought I'd find faith or something. Didn't work."

"Good." Lily crossed her arms. "'Cause I'll tell you that at best, you're looking at the Cliff's Notes of what's actually going down. It's meant to be a gateway to belief, a primer to find a specific destination after you die. But it's had stuff omitted and altered. Change one word in a passage, and suddenly everyone hates the gays."

"Seem to know a lot about something that you hate so much." Dana leaned against the wall and sighed. "Do these security guys ever fucking work?"

Lily ignored her and continued. "It's about knowing your enemy. Fallen angels were created to be good, they know the written word forward and back. Think of it like their source code. Slip a word in, take it out, maybe even erase a chapter or two, those assholes circle jerk each other in Hell over the changes they got away with. But let's go back to the demons themselves. They generally fall into two categories. The first category is pissed that humans are considered children of the big man and can ask for forgiveness. They're the ones that want to watch the world burn and take everyone with them. Technically, I fall in that category, because I was modeled after the first demon that thought 'I bet that guy would sell his soul for a wicked blowjob.'"

Dana opened her mouth to ask a question, but closed it without a word. Lily had explained to Dana long ago that she had never actually been an angel, but had been born a mortal woman who was transformed into a demon by a powerful wish. Lily suspected that Dana had been about to ask a question related to that, but knew that Lily wouldn't answer. It was one of the few things Lily never discussed with anyone.

"So now you have your second group of demons. They hate mankind, but they need something from you. Souls. There's a whole group of demons in Hell who think that maybe they can use your souls to get back into Heaven and beg their daddy for forgiveness."

"That's a thing? How would demons do that?"

Lily shrugged. "No idea. The whole thing is like bitcoin. You have a bunch of demons who swear it works, but none of them can explain how. Some demons collect souls and plan to wear them like a protective coat to sneak into cloud city without getting burned. Others are planning a straight swap--their thousands of souls for re-entry. If anyone has ever gotten back in, it's not like we'd hear about it."

"So back to my original statement. Aren't you happy that these people are going to Hell?" Dana gestured toward the floor.

"Ugh, only kind of. Some of them will figure it out, or be nice enough that it doesn't matter. The rest will make everyone else fucking miserable and burn in hellfire for eternity, which is a little funny. What chafes my ass is knowing this shit should be easy. Be a good person. Do no harm. Feed the poor. Hug your kids. But no! Someone else did all the thinking for them, and now they've pissed away eternity because they refuse to spend five minutes using their damned brains to process what they're hearing!"

"Is that why you work so hard, now? Being nice, that is?" Dana raised her eyebrows. "Are you hoping to get into Heaven someday?"

Lily felt hellfire burn through her gut at Dana's question and turned her head away. "Fuck you," she said, regretting it the moment it slipped out.

Dana didn't seem bothered by the outburst. She looked out the door and then pulled it open. "We're clear, let's move."

The two of them slipped out of the private room and made a beeline for a nearby hallway with a flight of stairs that would take them down near the elevators. They hopped over a railing and passed through a Staff Only door to find themselves in a corner just by the elevators. The doors dinged and a group of people came out, allowing the two of them to slip right in.

Dana ignored Lily and wandered down one of the hallways, her eyes forward as if on a mission. Dressed as she was and wearing false credentials, anyone would be hard pressed to figure out that she wasn't supposed to be there. Lily groaned internally as she was forced to walk in the middle of a group of older women who were all clutching copies of Deacon's new book. They seemed to be very excited about something from the sixth chapter regarding personal perception, or some similar life coach bullshit.

Caught up in a gaggle of hens, Lily was forced to endure the stink of cheap perfume as she squeezed through a hallway into the main arena. She could spot at least three different church groups based on the shirts they were wearing. While everyone waited to have their tickets checked, Lily popped in the wireless earbuds Dana had given her and then dialed her up.

"Dead leader, standing by." Dana's voice came through the noise canceling earbuds as if she stood nearby. "Where are you?"

"I'm at entrance 137." Lily stalled her approach by moving to the wall. "Where are you?"

"Close to the opposite side of the arena. Sending you a picture." The earbuds blipped and Lily pulled her phone out from between her breasts. It was a map of the arena with several lines drawn over it. Most of them overlapped down by the stage. "I guess get down there."

"Uh huh." Lily now stood in front of the usher. "Hold on a second, sweetie, I need to show them my ticket." She swiped the screen until she got to the ticket that Eulalie had purchased for this section. The Arachne had purchased several in key locations throughout the event center. This was a two thousand dollar ticket that would put Lily in the first few rows. "How are you tonight?" she asked.

"Ready to hear the good Word." The usher beamed, and Lily fought the urge to gag. "You're really lucky. You'll get to see Deacon up close."

Lily just smiled, unable to even fake something nice to say. She moved past the usher and toward the stage. "There isn't really anyone down there, so this should be easy."

"I'll let you know if I see anything." Dana ended the call.

Down by the stage, people were being allowed in to take pictures. Lily found her seat, which was just a metal folding chair with a pad on it.

"Pay a thousand bucks to sit on a piece of shit," she whispered to herself, then smiled at the geriatric woman sitting next to her seat. The woman was knitting a scarf with Deacon's book on her lap. How fucking cliche.

Not ready to sit next to someone who probably remembered the Civil war, she paced, keeping her eyes peeled for the demon. Plenty of people in this section of the event center were chatting, and Lily realized by the conversations that this wasn't their first show. It looked like Deacon had a dedicated fan club willing to blow their life savings to see the guy in person.

Was one of them the demon? She felt her phone vibrate and checked the updated map. Dana had drawn three more lines, and they were forming a circle around the front of the stage. That meant the demon was down here with her, but where?

Usually, demons could easily identify each other unless great effort had been made to hide. Whoever they were looking for had been around for hundreds of years, most likely in the same human body. Even a demon couldn't stop the aging process completely, so would fit in with the older crowd.

She slid amongst the people by the stage, sharing small talk. Lily couldn't even rely on her usual charms, because these people were only here for one thing: Deacon. Dana had the chance yesterday to use the pendulum within sight of the guy, and it hadn't even budged in his direction. So much for the obvious answer.

The lights dimmed, and a ripple of energy moved through the crowd. It was excitement mixed with reverence as everyone frantically found their seats. There was the quiet hiss of machinery as the floor of the stage was covered in fog. Up above the stage, a giant monitor came to life, revealing Deacon Osgrove in street clothes as he wandered the urban environs of the city.

"It's a calling." His voice came from the giant speakers as the video played. "Every day is a journey for me, and I can't wait to find out who I meet tomorrow."

Uplifting music played as Deacon was shown in a nearby park, counseling people in different stages of grief. It showed him crying with the common man, holding hands with strangers, and embracing homeless people.

"And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst." Deacon's powerful voice washed over the crowd as the video cut to him sitting on a mountain, overlooking a sunset. "I am but a mortal man following in the footsteps of my Lord and Savior, but I like to think that I'm doing His good work. We are a nation in dark times, and it's more important than ever that you all hear my word and His."

The fog on the stage was thick, and as the monitor above cut out, the back of the stage came to life. The screen displayed a bank of beautiful clouds lit from below by a golden sky, and the man of the hour himself now stood there. Deacon held a Bible in one hand and waved as the audience went nuts. The woman next to Lily started crying, so the succubus stabbed the woman in the foot with her tail, injecting her with enough juice to knock her out.

"Good evening, Florida." Deacon's voice had a slight southern twang to it that sounded practiced. "How are you all this blessed evening?"

There was cheering, applause, and so much jubilation that Lily strongly debated jabbing a few more people. Her eyes were fixed on Deacon, now, as her senses came alive.

This was an evil man, a wolf in pastor's clothing. If that woman on the beach had been a meal, then this man's soul was a ten course menu fit for royalty. This man clearly wasn't a demon, but he was absolutely affiliated with one.

Lily texted Dana for an update, keeping a smile planted on her face as she ground her teeth together.

"There's a lot for us to talk about tonight, and you are all in for a magical evening. But before we get started, there's something very special I'd like to do with you all. It's only the most important thing we will do all evening. Let us pray." Deacon bowed his head, the light shifted subtly to make it look like an aura of gold had appeared across his shoulders. The audience went silent, all of them bowing their heads in response.

If given the chance, Lily would absolutely kill this man.

Over by the concessions stand, Dana noticed that the line for snacks was empty. The employees were busy chatting while wiping down the counters. Nobody had given Dana a second glance as she made another full lap around the outside of the center, even sneaking into the staff areas. There were so many different locations to investigate and she was striking out. Short of wandering down into the middle of the arena with a magical artifact in her hands until it pointed right at her quarry, there was nothing she could do but wait until the demon made its move.

She was on her third lap of the event center, listening to Deacon pontificate through the speakers. His voice had a pleasing cadence and was easy to listen to. A few times, she spotted people who were making emergency bathroom runs, doing their best to quickly return to their seats.

Deacon spoke often of heaven. A year ago, Dana would have given anything to have gone, but she wasn't so sure anymore. Based on everything she had learned, heaven was only one potential destination. Her desire to ensure her own death someday still burned strong, but should she ever find a cure, she would really prefer to live a little first. It would make her really happy if she could figure out that stupid telescope before she passed on. That project was like an itch in the back of her brain that she simply couldn't scratch.

As Osgrove started sharing parables from his own upbringing, Dana found herself back in an area heavily patrolled by security guards. A couple looked in her direction, but disregarded her. She moved with the confidence of someone who knew her way around, and that was enough for them.

Finding herself in a quiet hallway with a large set of double doors, she wandered over toward a nearby window to look outside. She could see Deacon's tour bus from here as well as the lot behind the center. It was dimly lit, which seemed a little odd. With her back to the hallway, she pulled out the pendulum and took another reading.

At first, it swung to point in the direction of the stage, which was frustrating. Every time she had tried to figure out who the pendulum pointed at, it lined up with different people. If she could go back in time, she would have asked Ratu to make Lily a pendulum, too. Maybe if she wandered backstage, she could collect better data. She was about to tuck the pendulum away when it suddenly jerked toward her right.

"That's weird," she muttered, looking over her shoulder. The hallway was still empty, so she took a step back to see what the pendulum would do. It pointed toward her chest, which made sense because the center of the arena was behind her. It suddenly swung to the right, and she tucked the pendulum away in her inner pocket.

She walked a ways down the hallway and repeated the process. The pendulum only pointed to Deacon's stage now, so she backtracked. She was almost at the double doors again when the pendulum finally swung left.

"Shit." She scanned the hallway and walked toward the doors. The pendulum clearly pointed at something inside the doors, which could mean only one thing.

There was more than one demon.

Dana sent a quick text to Lily and Eulalie, then moved to the double doors and pressed her ear against the wood. She could hear movement inside and people speaking. Taking a step back, she contemplated the door. What was the best move here? Lily could probably back her up, but then she'd have to leave her position down by Deacon. If there were two demons, how would they know which one was responsible for creating Leeds?

Dana's decision was made for her when the door opened up and a young woman about her age nearly collided with her. The woman stumbled to the side, dropping her tablet.

"I am so sorry," Dana began, but a dark figure inside the room detached itself from the shadows and dashed forward, the light revealing a thin man with pale skin. She barely had time to turn her head before he seized her by the neck and lifted her off the ground.

"Something is wrong with this one," he declared in a thick accent. Dana grunted and kicked out with her feet. The woman backed away from both of them as security personnel came out of the room and formed a circle around Dana and her attacker.

"Please," Dana gasped. "I'm...just...lost!"

The man's pupils were dilated, and he pulled her in close and smelled her. His grip was like iron, and Dana fluttered her eyes in an attempt to mime impending unconsciousness. She could tell he was much stronger than she was. Was he the demon? He didn't smell like Lily did. Instead, he smelled strongly of freshly polished wood.