Dealing with My Grief - Updated

On January 20, 2012, my article I wrote on grief was published. It was written four months after I lost my father. It is now ten years almost to the when day when my world was rocked by his passing, and I felt the need to update it. I still stand behind what I wrote back then. The difference is that I have ten years to process it. I have had ten years to understand the changes going on. And since then, there have been others who have passed. I am hoping this essay will be a valid representation of my emotional journey.

One of the things I put into the previous article was that I was going to go home the summer after. I did that. I was back in my hometown that summer for a week. I visited with my sister who pulled out the photo album he made. Inside it was my high school ID from my senior year. One of the biggest things she conveyed to me was how proud of me my dad was. Considering that one of my emotional burdens was the need to please him, this was a comfort.

It reminded me of the last conversation he and I had that summer before his passing. I called him as I tried to do every month and he answered the phone that time. He asked me about what I was doing for work at the time, and I answered. He loved the answer I gave him. He always wanted me in an office working on a computer. When I told him after the first answer that it was for a distribution center, aka a warehouse, he laughed. His goal was always to keep me out of a warehouse because that was what he did for years before he was forced to retire.

I also drove by his old house, since resold. The new owners repainted it. It felt fitting to remind me that life had to go on. This was a lesson I had to learn quickly soon after when I was laid off by the warehouse due to its' closing. The same lessons he taught me were being reinforced and I worked my way forward to be able to support my family.

The year after I was laid off, I lost a good friend. This time, there was no switch to turn off the emotions. I went to her memorial service and hugged her son and husband. Like before, there were many tears. I called a mutual friend on the way there and on the way home and cried with her both times. Like my father's passing, this one rocked me as well. There was no being a rock anymore. Death knew my weaknesses and was dead set on making sure I respected it.

Since those happened, there have been others passing. Each was met with different reactions due to how close I was with them and other factors. The big thing I started learning from everything was that it was okay to grieve. It was okay to cry. There would be different times that I would cry when a certain song would come on. During the years after, the songs became more of comfort than a trigger. That was to be expected.

One of the other side effects of all this was the desire to do better. Prior to my dad's death, I never considered buying a house. His death had me thinking more about the future. I didn't want my wife and the kids scrambling for a home after my passing with me being the primary breadwinner. It was right before my friend's death that we moved into a house, almost a year after being laid off. I also started to watch my own health better and strived to make sure my children were better taken care of.

There were many conversations with my daughter regarding her grandfather. Even years later with the death of her maternal grandfather, she had many questions. I strived to be there as much for her as I possibly could. There were times she would have to talk me down on different occasions. The necessity of having a strong support system became an apparent asset during those times.

One of the other things that has changed was being ready for the different anniversaries that arose. We now brace for the important days of the year that were important to those that went before us. Mother's Day and Father's Day involve more reflection as well as their birthdays. Their final days are also a time of reflection. We strive to be available to the other family members on those days so we can support each other.

In conclusion, the biggest thing I have learned over the last ten years has been that there is no proper way of grieving because every case is different. Whether you are supporting someone who is grieving, or you are the one grieving, the important lesson is that you shouldn't be afraid to reach out. Lean on your support system. Allow yourself to grieve. Allow yourself "to be human" as my wife has told me on numerous occasions.

I started the first article by alluding to a saying that tells us that death and taxes are the only certain things in life. During the last ten years, I have learned to respect this saying. I am also hoping over the next ten years, I will become a better person because of it.