Dear Diary

I tasted myself again.

Tuesday, January 23rd, 2018

Something's wrong, Diary.

I'm in the bathroom at work again. I'm keeping you real fucking close so nobody reads ANY of this shit.

My chest was hurting all morning. Throbbing. I'm sitting in the stall again, with my shirt unbuttoned and, I just-

I fucking got little titties, Diary. No fucking shit.

Fucking Jonathon made a joke about it being cold while staring at me and I look down to see my nipples pressed hard against my shirt. They're still fucking swollen and thick. I didn't put any cotton balls on them today. I fucking should've and taped them down again but it just- it just felt real good against my shirt. Made me excited every time I moved and felt it against my nipples. So no fucking wonder they were hard.

But then my chest started throbbing and got all hot.

I watched it happen. Unbuttoned my shirt on the toilet and watched. They aren't pecs. It's not muscle. It's like. I was rubbing my chest to make the pain go away and I fucking felt something move inside. I nearly yelled out-fucking-loud when I saw it happen. Right below my nipples the skin just bulged.

It was fucking alien. I felt this- this heaviness inside my chest and something almost snap or move or something and the skin pulled tight and then bubbled out. Just a little bit but enough to be really FUCKING obvious to anyone that sees me shirtless.

I thought my nipples were just, I dunno, irritated or something but fucking no. I have fucking breasts, Diary!!

I think those goddamn pills were estrogen pills. She put me on fuckin' lady pills to make me stop being so aggressive and now I'm fucking sitting here in the bathroom with my shirt open and my little titties out and I'm fucking crying. What kind of bullshit is this?

I'm okay. Back at my desk with my jacket on and I'm all hunched over. Now I am thankful for losing all that weight recently. Loose shirt is helping to hide my tits. Just gotta ignore the way my undershirt feels when it drags against my nipples. It's fucking distracting.

Going to go to the gym when I'm off work and talk to some of the bros about testosterone shots tonight. Thank fucking god I finished those goddamn pills.

Aw shit. I'm gonna fucking cry again.

Not going back to the gym again. Need to call and cancel.

Still too hot in my bed but I just can't deal with anything right now so I'm fucking hiding under the covers like some middle school kid with a flashlight and my diary. Emotional pussy.

Got home and that was fine, right? Got dressed and was about to leave for the gym when I look down and see my fucking titties bulging against my chest and my nipples rock hard.

It's weird. Fucking disgusting but I mean, I like tits so it was also kinda hot. In a way it's like, that's not me, right? That's some chick and that fucked with my brain a bit. They're just little titties but my shirt was tight and you could see the curve of them. If you missed that? No worries because my fat nipples would be having a goddamn staring contest with you.

Almost gave up until I remember Kiera left some of her shit here. So I dug around and found one of her sports bras. With her being as small as she was, I was surprised at how well it fit me but I guess I have lost weight. Still tight enough that they pulled my tits flat.

Checked myself out to make sure everything looked okay and I'm surprised at how good I look. Pretty slim and smooth. I guess I haven't been eating as much or drinking beers every night. Stomach is starting to look a little flat. Looks like I'm due for a haircut soon, though. Kinda messy up top. Just put in a reminder on my phone for that since I forgot to earlier.

Oh. I also stole Kiera's shorts. They're that yoga pants shit only in shorts form. Mine were just too tight against my thighs and ass and looked all weird. Hers expand better.

Okay. I won't lie to you, Diary. They also felt good on me and that's the other reason why. It's like a second skin and I'm still feeling sensitive from those pills. Feels real good but, low key real good you know? Curves right around tight against my ass and thighs.

Like a secret pleasure. Makes my face hot.

And, hey, until I get some shots of T, you could barely even see my bulge.

Shit. I got distracted from what I was saying. The fucking gym.

So I go and get checked in and start in on the elliptical to warm up. Just kinda zoning out. Kinda easier to do that lately. All good, feeling the burn in my thighs so I figure I'm nice and warmed up and it's time to find the 'roid heads. Free weight section as always.

I make my way over there and give a little nod and a smile to a few guys that smile back. All, "Look at me, I'm just a normal not-cop looking for drugs" you know?

And Jesus, these guys were fucking built. Made my heart stop a little how big their arms were. Kinda watched them a while, doing curls and pull downs, watching their arms and backs work. Just fucking amazing, you know? Incredible physiques.

That's when I caught myself in the mirror. Smiling with my finger on my lips, playing with it and feeling that little thrill of nerves along my mouth and tongue and down my back. I didn't even know I was doing it.

You think that's bad, though?

I didn't put another shirt over the sports bra.

That's fucking right. I'd forgotten to put my shirt over her bra. I'd been in that goddamn gym just in Kiera's shorts and top with my stomach showing, working my ass off like some fucking gym bunny.

IT DOESN'T STOP THERE.

You could see my titties again. They're bigger now. Just a little but enough that you can see the bulge even with the sports bra.

Those bros weren't being all friendly smiling. They were fucking mocking me standing there like some fucking creepy... thing with my tits all hanging out.

I ran. I barely even remember any of it. Not the drive home or anything. Aww fuck, I gotta cry again.

I can't sleep. My tits are hot.

They're so smooth. They skin around them. They don't look big - and they fit into my hands but they're round and silky and it makes me shiver when I touch them and I can't stop just stroking them. And squeezing them a little. Thumbing my nipples.

Are they bigger? I'm having another weird body disconnect because I can't tell if they're bigger or my hands are smaller.

I'm so tired and just out of it. I really need some sleep.

Wednesday, January 24th, 2018

IT'S FUCKING GONE, DIARY

FUCK FUCK FUCK I gotta throw up again. Shit.

My hands are shaking. I just got off the phone with my insurance company. Called into their doctor-over-the-phone thing. Told him my girlfriend had been giving me her estrogen pills as a joke and asked if they could give me breasts and shit. He laughed and told me not to worry about it and to just stop taking them. I wanted to ask him about my dick but I couldn't. I couldn't fucking do it so I just hung up.

Checked the Internet and some of it makes sense. Just some. Like "breast-tissue growth" and more hair (I can feel it tickling my ears now - it's so thick) and mood swings for all the damn crying but decrease in sex drive and acne and the rest of it? I'm more fucking horny than I ever have been and my skin is flawless.

My dick is gone. FUCKING GONE.

Okay. No, not gone. It's shriveled. Like a little weird stump of a thing, just the head barely sticking out of my whatever. Hips. Crotch. I dunno. It hurts to pee and the head is weird and sensitive. The flare around it is gone and it's all smooth. Everything hurts down there but I'm still horny. It's distracting. My nipples are throbbing for attention and my breasts ache.

My balls are still there, at least? Kinda? Hurts to touch them and they seem smaller. Even they are scared since my ballsack is all shriveled up and hardened.

Called in sick to work today. They didn't know who I was at first and thought it was Kiera calling in for me. I had to cough a few times and clear my throat and try again. At least it sounded like I was sick.

What the fuck am I gonna do? It's gotta wear off soon, right?

I had to go to the store for food. I wore two shirts and a sweater. My pants are all weird. Loose except digging into my sides. I feel like I gotta pee all the time but then it hurts when I do and nothing comes out.

Bought a thicker, smaller sports bra. My fucking face was red the whole time but I can't ditch work forever. This one will have to do the trick until the estrogen works its way out of my body.

The cashier called me "Miss".

Wednesday, January 24th, 2018

Sleeping naked because I'm too hot. And I like the way the sheets feel. It's weird sleeping on my side and stomach because of my tits. It's just unnatural. I hate sleeping on my back so I tossed and turned.

Woke up to go pee and only a little dribbled out. Still hurts.

The skin is loose down there. Just slides around and I can pull at it. Helps against the pain a little. Feels really fucking weird, though. Strange counterpoint with all the loose skin versus my shriveled sack. The more I tug at my sack, the looser it feels but I'm having a hard time feeling the balls any more.

Fuck me. It's one in the fucking morning and I can't stop touching my balls.

Huh. The skin just slid a little. From my sack. Feels all hot down there. Pulsing with my heartbeat. Inflamed.

Melatonin's kicking in. Gonna-

Thursday, January 25th, 2018

Called in again but they told me I have to come in later in the afternoon for a big sales meeting.

I'm so tired, Diary.

Body just feels heavy and ache-y and my stomach hurts.

I can't. I fucking can't. I can't say it. I'm done. I'm done writing. I'm sorry, Diary.

I've got nowhere else to turn and nobody else to talk to, Diary.

I'm a fucking junkie.

In college, I screwed around with drugs a little. No big fucking deal. Tried some shit but was able to put all of it away.

I can't stop touching myself.

My boss called to remind me about the meeting being mandatory and said I could sit in the back by myself if I still wasn't feeling well. He asked to speak to me twice before I convinced him it was me and not Kiera. My voice keeps cracking.

Why didn't I get a fucking haircut when I went out Wednesday?

I had to put my hair back into a little ... thing. I don't fucking know what you call it. A little tail looking thing. There's a million fucking hair ties in the apartment because of Kiera and I had enough hair to tie it back and away from my neck and ears.

Put on two shirts and a hoodie to hide my hair and shit. Not company policy but I'm sick so whatever.

The new sports bra hurts but it works okay beneath everything else.

So I'm sitting in the back and it's okay but I have to keep adjusting myself and moving. My pants are tight against my ass and digging into my crotch so I have to keep pulling it out so it doesn't hurt.

But then my fingers start feeling good down there.

I rubbed myself between the legs. Could feel my balls moving. Well, the sack. It was softer now and felt really good to touch. I just kept pressing and rubbing it and touching myself as quietly as possible while my boss droned on. The skin was all weird and bubbled and swollen and hot and I was breathing fast. Head down. Some of my hair had come out of the tie and was tickling my neck.

And then something moved. Down there. It- it kinda hurt for a second.

My fingers slid inside of me (pushing my jeans inside, I mean) and I could feel a wet spot between my legs.

I fucking moaned right there in the meeting.

Froze. Heard some things shuffle around and my boss asked if I was feeling alright.

God, I could feel the heat in my cheeks.

And between my legs.

I sat frozen, gripping my thigh while the wet spot spread. Thank Christ I wore black pants. I just shook my head. Didn't trust myself to speak. My heart was going so fast, Diary.

I could smell myself with my head bowed. I could feel the how slippery it was down there. I tensed and felt muscles sliding wetly against each other and it was fucking alien and intoxicating at the same time.

I heard my boss sigh and say they were almost done so I could leave. So I crab walked my way out of there.

And here I lay. In bed. Naked. Feels soooo good to be out of that bra. So much easier to breathe and to let my titties, shit, I don't know how to say it but expand? And least not be all squished.

No, Diary, I wasn't skimming over anything. I'm not ignoring it. In fact, I'm staring right at it.

Right at the pussy between my legs.

The head of my dick is still there. A little smaller. Pointed down a little. Or shifted down. I can't tell. A thick fold of skin has grown up to cover part of it.

I like to touch it. The head, I mean. To run my slim fingers around it. Makes me jump a little every time. Squirm a little and breathe a little funny.

No. I'm still not ignoring it. I can't. I'm still so wet and it throbs. I can't ignore it.

There's a little pink slit right under the head of my dick. It looks like my sack split in half alongside it. The slit. My pussy. The old skin has folded around it. Folded into little pussy lips.

I looked it up: Labia Majora.

We have a little shaving mirror in the bathroom and I used that to see it. Right between my legs. My slit is small and it hurts a little to spread it open but it's so pink inside. Everything's coated in clear liquid. My liquid. From inside of me. I can feel some extra skin around the slit and I can't stop running my fingers along it. Makes me crinkle my toes and bite my lips.

It's not stopping, is it, Diary?

When I was doing my Internet biology assignment, I looked up more stuff on hormonal treatments and things and this isn't any of it. None of it can take away my dick like that. I'm not stupid, right? Dr. Swolley's number isn't right and her office isn't even there. Wasn't there.

I'm fucked. I'm so fucked.

But like I said just a bit ago: I'm an addict. I can't stop touching myself. Tasting myself.

I'm- I'm excited to put a finger inside. I want to do it.

Saturday, January 27th, 2018

Dear Diary,

Guess who has a clit now? The head of my dick kept shrinking and shrinking until the skin (my hood!) covered it.

I can feel a few hairs growing down there around my pussy and my little inner lips have finished, too! I think. They're so small and pink!

I lost some more weight. And height. My clothes don't fit at all any more. I measured myself and I'm a little taller than Kiera at 5' 6" but I was almost six feet tall before. I'm surprised shrinking like that didn't hurt more.

Her clothes fit me but there's only a few things here. Oh. My hips are wider than hers apparently (!) so I definitely need to go shopping.

Gotta find a new job, too. Gonna ride out the "sick" card for a few days at work and look around.

My tits are sore again.

I hope they get bigger.

Tuesday, January 30th, 2018

I got a job!!!

And that's not even the best news. But, yeah, job! It's just a small entry thing but it's at that clothes (boutique!) store where Dr. Swalley's office was.

I'm only stocking and running the register but I'll get to learn what all the different clothes are called and how they work.

Tabitha (the owner) didn't even have me fill out a job application or anything. Which is good since, well, my pictures aren't me any more. I'm researching what I can do about that. Fingers crossed I can say I went overseas for a sex change operation and get them to just update my info.

Haha, right! The better news.

I got a diiiiildooooo.

This girl's-

Fuck.

I think that's the first time I automatically thought of myself as a girl. That's really weird. Huh. I gotta. I gotta take a minute to think about this. Makes me oddly emotional, you know?

Sorry.

Tuesday, February 20th, 2018

Dear Diary,

I'm so sorry I haven't written in a while. I guess I had a few days where I was fucked up thinking about everything that happened. I'd been riding the waves of the whole change and got caught up in it. Then I just got caught up in life.

I'm feeling waaaay better now.

Oh.

Haha, for fuck's sake, I'm blushing and I'm just talking to you.

Ahhhh.

His name's Eric and I have a date tonight.

I kissed him. I kissed Eric. Holy shit, I kissed him. Holy shit.

Wednesday, February 21st, 2018

I'm still giddy and I have to go to work soon.

It was such a great time. And weird, too. From seeing the other side of things. People were nicer. I got a lot of looks. I could see it happen from the corner of my eyes and, once I noticed, I started paying more attention and, wow. People stare.

But Eric!

He looked really good. Dressed up and everything. We ordered food and just talked. I let him talk most because I haven't figured out how to change my life's story too much and get it straight in my head. I just stuck to basics - school and parents and work.

Veeeery charming. He's an accountant and shy. Sometimes he'd just stop talking and stare at me a little and then he'd blush and look at his food and it was fucking adorable.

At the end, he walked me to my car.

I held his hand and he jumped. It felt really nice. He's taller than me and smelled really good. When we got to the car, he thanked me and even stuttered! And tried to leave all awkwardly. So I kissed him. It was too fast and weird and I had to stand on my toes (!!) but he put his arms around me for a second and I felt warm.

When I got home, I masturbated. I thought of him and his arms around me.

I need to use the dildo more.

Just in case.

I'm just- I'm just really tight and I still don't know if I'm doing things right or moving right. Or any of it. I - shit, gotta get to work!

He texted me back! We have another date set for Friiiiiday. He wanted to go out again but I invited him to my place.

I feel both sick and excited but a little more sick, I think.

In other more perverted news, I got a new suction cup dildo and it came in while I was at work.

So, I stuck it to the floor in the kitchen (after cleaning!) and- haha, I rode it. Oh Christ, that position is just, uhh, fuck. So good. I just need to learn to move my hips better.

I came all over the floor and had to clean it up again.

Thursday, February 22nd, 2018

I'm going to cancel the date. I can't do it. I've been sick to my stomach the whole time.

At the store, I grabbed a box of condoms and blushed the entire damn time. I couldn't look the cashier in the eyes. And then I got home and I thought about what I was doing and oh Jesus I don't think I can actually go through with it.

I'm so sorry, Eric. Ugh.

Saturday, February 23rd, 2018

Tabitha talked to me Friday. Noticed I was looking off and took me aside at lunch. I cried on her shoulder and told her I really liked Eric and really wanted to be with him but I'm a virgin and-