Decluttering

Cara was cleaning out her closet when she came across something she hadn't seen in a long time - a thin purple box that had been taped shut.

She had been trying to sort through her shoes to see if there were any of the hundreds of pairs that she could donate in order to make space and de-clutter her room.

Her social worker, Sharon, had suggested this process. Cara had been crying more than she had not and she needed a focus. In addition to her tears, she had been dissociating more than normal — losing track of hours and days. She needed to get a handle on all of these things if she was to get back to her teaching job.

In an obvious metaphor, Sharon had suggested that she clean her room as a symbol of decluttering her mind and to ground herself. Sharon wanted her to experience the smells, feels and look of the things in her closet as an experience in grounding, and then to really decide what she needed and what she could pass on to someone else.

Cara had often used shopping and buying things, like shoes — especially shoes— as what most people jokingly referred to as retail therapy. (Although, she hated that term because she felt it belittled what had become, to her, an important coping strategy.) Using sensory impressions of the things in her closet as a tool for grounding was problematic because many of these things were purchased in a state of panic, great sadness, worry or hopelessness. As she was trying to be in the present with each object, she ended up just being taken back to these terrible memories.

There were many shoes that she had bought in the weeks after Scott, her first husband, killed himself. How could she throw these away? Buying these helped her to survive those terrible weeks in the aftermath. Buying the shoes had allowed her to focus her guilty feelings on spending and wasting money, as opposed to feeling guilty that she was glad he was gone.

All of those emotions and memories swirled to the top of her mind as she organized the shoes, launching her into a bout of dissociative silence. She sat there surrounded by her belongings in silence lost in her own head.

After an unknown amount of time, Cara regained her sense of the room and it was then that she came across the thin, taped purple box. She had completely forgotten about this. She actually flushed at the sight of it and look around furtively to ensure no one else was in the room.

This box actually made her smile, smile more than any of the other boxes which were filled with practical shoes, work shoes, sexy evening shoes, sandals, rain boots, etc.. a shoe for each of life's moments.

The purple box didn't have shoes in it at all. She looked around herself again before cautiously ripping the tape open with her thumb nail.

In the box was a blue vibrator. It was about 5 inches long and had a smooth texture. It actually shimmered in the light from her window as she held it up.

In the box were also two batteries in a ziploc bag, which she had taken out of the vibrator when she stored it, and a small bottle of lube.

What would her current husband, Jonathon, think if he had found this? She grimaced at the thought. It would have sent him into a gloomy state for days until she finally would be able to get him to admit that he was threatened by the vibrator and it made him feel like she thought he wasn't enough. To be perfectly honest, she did not want to deal with this at all. With the breakdown of the relationship with his daughters from a previous marriage, he was always pouting and was always on edge. To be sure, neither of them needed him to find this thing that was from her past.

Plus, if he did find it, she'd have to tell him why she bought the vibrator and what it meant to her.

***

Several years before Scott died, though married and with one child (they had had a second later), Cara had felt so lonely. Scott was a pilot and was almost never at home or even in Toronto. He was always off on one flying job or another. He never really asked her opinion about his hours or his time away. He just did what he wanted.

When he was home, it seemed like he couldn't wait to get out of the house. On weekends, he offered flying lessons, often for free, to his friends and on weeknights he would stay out late drinking with other pilots at a bar near the airport.

Meanwhile, Cara was at home trying to start her career as a teacher, but with the full responsibility of childcare for her pre-school son. Her parents helped out with day-care a couple times a week, but she still had to find money to keep a spot at the local daycare for the whole week. She could have only paid for a few days each week, but her parents would not commit to specific days for care. This frustrated Cara immensely as she was sure that if her siblings had had children her parents would provide full-time daycare.

Even when Scott was at home, he did not really help with child rearing. He would take Brandon out for a drive or to the park occasionally, but he only wanted to do things that were fun for him.

The evenings, with Scott, were a wash in terms of help because he was often out with friends. Worst of all, he would come home smelling like beer and expect to have sex. He would wake her up and try, for once, to speak nicely to her, and try to get her to agree to fuck him. Sometimes she gave in and they had sex; sometimes she would be able to convince him to just go to sleep, and sometimes he forced himself on her. The forced sex incidents were the times where she felt the lowest in her life. She had to pretend to enjoy herself or he would become annoyed and ask her what her problem was. Sometimes if she didn't fake an orgasm he would continue to plunge his cock violently into her cunt in an effort to put her over the edge ... which she faked in order to escape further "attempts" to give her pleasure.

After sex she would cry as Scott passed out beside her, leaving her to clean up her cum filled cunt and any other mess on the bed.

Thus, sex was not a pleasurable experience for Cara. She had been with Scott since she was 19, so she had no other real frame of reference.

She remembered feeling "hot" in iniversity. She had very large breasts for her frame and she knew that many of the male students in classes admired them. She took care to encourage this as a young woman. It felt good to be wanted. Her home life with her parents had been very cold and distant, and this made her feel desirable, even just as something to look at.

When Scott, a good-looking boy from another school, showed real interest in her at a party in her first year, she never looked back. They stayed together as he trained in the US to be a pilot and she went on to do a Masters at her local university. After school was done, they bought a house together, got married and eventually had their first son.

Outwardly, it was a good life, but in reality she was all alone.

One day, she was visiting her friend Laura, who she had known through school, and who had also married at a young age.

They were reminiscing about the people they knew in university.

"Have you seen anyone from our class?" asked Laura. They had both attended an elite academic program at university,

"Well, Scott still sees Dan sometimes, but Dan's been busy with his career. I think he might be getting married." Laura blushed in hearing about Dan. They had hooked up for a while, but it didn't end well.

"Oh, good for him." Laura said. "I remember I saw Jeff awhile back when I lived in Ottawa. He was doing some science co-op. I can't remember what it was."

"Yeah, he's doing really well. He's an Environmental Engineer and works for some big company out west,"

"I hear Christine is becoming a doctor like her dad." said Laura, followed by a brief lull in the conversation.

"Oh!" exclaimed Cara eyes wide, "You know who we ran into at the Beer Store on Simcoe St?"

"Who?" asked Laura.

"Paul Robertson," she said.

Sara looked a little shocked at hearing the name. She also went bright red.

Cara continued, "You dated, didn't you?"

"Yes, we did," answered Laura, knowing full well that Cara knew that she dated Paul. Laura also knew that Cara was jealous of this. "How did he look?"

"Like all of us, a little heavier. I think he's going bald. I didn't really talk to him."

Laura looked like she was thinking about something.

"What?" asked Cara curiously.

"Just remembering ... we had such an amazing sexual connection, but I don't think we really liked each other."

"Oh, did you have sex with him?" She asked surprised.

"Everything, but actual sex. We were really passionate." Laura looked mischievous. "I think I probably had a 100 orgasms the month that we dated and he had at least that many." Laura mused. "I didn't know it at the time because I had no comparison but he has a really huge thing."

Cara looked a little shocked to hear Laura talk this way as she was normally kind of proper. Laura on reflection thought she may have said too much.

"Sorry, that was probably a gross thing to say."

"Not at all," said Cara smiling. "It's kind of hilarious to think about those old times. I'm glad you have some good memories."

Laura looked relieved that Cara didn't think she was disgusting for talking about that. Laura knew she had a tendency to overshare sometimes.

After Laura left, Cara thought about what she had said ... "a 100 orgasms" ... she knew it was probably hyperbole, but still ...

Cara had never really had an orgasm before. A few times when she was in the bath, she had focussed the detachable shower head on her clit and she had what she thought was an orgasm, but it was so dull that it didn't seem like the things Laura was talking about or the things she read about in books and magazines.

She remembered reading that some women don't really orgasm. She thought she was one of those and that that was actually the majority of women. She kind of skipped over those articles in Cosmo and other magazines because she thought people were exaggerating or making a big deal about nothing,

But, Laura talking about Paul got her thinking maybe there was more to it. She had tried to masturbate when she was younger, but couldn't seem to have an orgasm. It felt good to touch her clit, but eventually her hand just got tired. She hadn't even thought of doing that for years. She also knew that there was no way she would have an orgasm with Scott. Sex with him had nothing to do with her.

She remembered reading another article about how sex toys were becoming more mainstream and that more and more "regular people" were experimenting. This got her thinking that maybe should re-explore masturbation, but this time, with some help.

Coincidentally, she passed a sex toy shop on her way to and from work everyday and she remembered thinking how gaudy it looked with hearts and lace adorning the windows and female mannequins in lingerie.

Over the next week or so, she took more of an interest in the Sex Shop. As she drove by she noted how many people were there and how many cars were parked in the lot. There was also a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant in the plaza with lots of people entering and exiting at all hours.

Eventually, she started to make a plan to visit the sex store. She thought she would park by the KFC and slowly make her way nonchalantly to the Sex Shop and slip in. On entering the store, she had no idea what would happen. She also decided to bring cash so there was no paper trail or record.

It was a satisfactory plan. However, she was still nervous. Everyday for a week, she parked by the KFC and tried to get up the nerve to go in. She was there so often, she began to get a sense of the KFC shift change at 3:00 pm and all of their regular customers.

One evening that week, Scott came home and announced that he was going on a multi-day flight to Texas. He would be gone a week and was leaving the next morning.

Normally, Cara would have been annoyed at his lack of consideration for her and what the family needed, but this time she was glad and not for the normal reasons. She decided she would buy the vibrator the next day and then she would have a week to figure it out without Scott being around, demanding or ignoring, all the time.

At school the next day, she looked expectantly at the clock. She had decided that she was not going to overthink it. She was going to park and go in the Sex Shop with no deliberation beforehand.

She almost didn't go through with it, but she shallowed hard, opened the door of her car and walk up to and in to the Sex Shop.

She did it.

However, once inside, she was greeted by a scene of some bizarre looking outfits and gadgets ... many of which she wasn't sure what you would do with. She looked at the signs hanging from the ceiling and saw one that said Dildos and Vibrators. She walked to that area and, without looking around too much, grabbed a vibrator from a display, walked to the cash, which was, thank god, manned by a woman and paid cash.

"There's no returns if the box is open," said the cashier.

"That's fine," said Cara, wondering what kind of people try to return vibrators.

She got out of the store. Saw no one was looking and breathlessly crossed the parking lot to her car... where, once inside, she gasped for air while she tried to calm down.

She looked at the bag from the shop and slowly opened it to see what she had purchased. In the bag was a blue vibrator about 5" long encased in plastic.

When she got home, she quickly stowed the vibrator in her room and made dinner for her and the baby. She spent the evening playing with her son and trying not to think about it.

She went into the bathroom and decided to take a bath. She took her clothes off and looked in the mirror. She really did like her curly blonde hair, but she needed to go in to get it cut soon. She thought she would call her hairdresser the next day. She looked at her breasts which were huge with large pink nipples. She knew with the right shirt and the right bra her tits could turn heads, but she hadn't really thought about it since she had kids. She wasn't overly happy with her butt which she thought was too flat, but she did think her cunt looked sexy with its blonde, neatly trimmed hair patch.

She laid in the tub with her feet up on the sides and her legs wide spread. She took the shower head and aimed in the general direction of her cunt. A dull feeling of pleasure erupted through her body. The pressure felt good but was indirect and not very intense. She decided that it was time to try the vibrator.

She got out of the tub and dried herself off. She put her robe on and moved from the ensuite bathroom to her bedroom. She pulled the covers halfway down her bed and looked at it thoughtfully. She then moved to her bedside table and found the vibrator still in its package.

She got some scissors and opened the package. Inside was the vibrator some batteries, a small bottle of lube and some instructions. She was really pleased that there was an instruction manual as she wasn't really sure what people normally do. Do they fuck themselves with it... in and out? Do they just leave it in and let it vibrate? She definitely was not sure. She began to read the instruction booklet and found the answer to be that you could do virtually anything you wanted with it. She took the instructions to be like a menu of options. Put the vibrator in her cunt, run it over her clit and around her cunt, touch her nipples with it, put it in her ass. The instructions also stipulated that it was very important to clean the vibrator before and after use and to use the attached bottle of lube if inserting it into her body.

Cara quickly washed the vibrator with soap and water as the book had suggested. She sat down on the edge of the bed and her fingers found the operating dial with the different settings. She turned it on low and the sudden buzzing surprised her.

Cara fidgeted with the switch, and turned the wand up to its highest setting. It was humming, positively shaking in her hands.

She wondered what it felt like against her skin. Her hands lowered it slowly, and gingerly placed it against the outside of her thigh.

It caused small little ripples in her skin wherever it touched. It felt... strange. Instead of going directly to her cunt she decided to use it on her tits first. She lay naked on the bed, turned the vibrator to a lower setting and touched it to her left nipple. It felt so intense that she moved it right away and then moments later gently caressed her nipple with it. She could feel both nipples become erect and they stood out prominently on her chest. She decided to get up and go look at them in the mirror.

She was pleased with what she saw. She had such enormous, sexy tits and they looked even better with their erect nipples. She could feel her cunt start to get wet as she looked at herself.

She returned to the bed and alternated touching the vibrator to each nipple. Each touch felt better than the last and she could feel her cunt getting even more wet.

Finally, she decided it was time to give her cunt some attention. She decided not to go right for her clit. Instead, she wanted to insert the vibrator into her sopping wet cunt. She had turned herself on so much that she felt like she didn't need the lube.

She turned it off and gently poked the tip of the vibrator into her cunt, gently spreading the lips. She moved it further and further in. It felt so good to be in control. She got it about 3 inches in and then started moving it in and out, fucking herself with the blue vibrator. She turned it on the low setting and it sent a shiver through her whole body and she could feel herself getting so wet that it was dripping down onto the bed.

She was ready for the next step. She pulled the vibrator from her cunt and placed the head of it near her clit. It felt wonderful. She inched it closer and moaned in pleasure in a way she never had. Finally, she reached her clit and started moving the vibrator back and forth over. She thought direct stimulation would be too much and would hurt.

With her legs spread far apart, she started to get this wonderful tingling feeling like something was about to happen. It got more and more intense and she rubbed her clit with the vibrator. Her back arched as she got closer and closer to climax... and, at last, she came. Her whole body was gyrating and shaking -- it was so intense.

She moved the vibrator from her clit and just lay there feeling stunned and exhausted.

Suddenly, without knowing why, she started to cry. She felt so emotional at this moment. Her body was still tingling and she felt the tears were some years of tension leaving her body. It was an incredible experience.

After she recovered, she washed the vibrator and carefully put it back in its packaging. She hid it at the bottom of a pile of books in the drawer of her bedside table knowing that there was no way Scott would look at her books. That was not his thing, so the vibrator was safe. She turned off her light and went to sleep.

Every night that week, she used the vibrator to bring herself to climax before she went to sleep.

In the following months, the times Scott was away would inevitably result in her using the vibrator multiple times. It made her feel good. It was something that she did for herself and she finally knew what all the fuss was about orgasms.

—

Soon after Scott died, Cara started dating a colleague from work. Both being History teachers, they shared many of the same interests as well as a passion for teaching. They both had young children and so also faced some of the same parenting difficulties. This brought them even closer.

Even better, sex with Jonathon was much different than sex with Scott. Jonathon was truly interested in allowing her to have as much satisfaction as he did. He was willing to go down on her, something Scott said was disgusting, even though he enjoyed the occasional blow job from her.