Decoding Desires Ch. 01

Everything narrows down to him, to the places where his body touches mine, to the heaviness of his hand on my shoulder, pulling me back until I'm cradled against him. His hand slips from my shoulder across my collarbone to my other shoulder, basically hugging me from behind, then he turns us both so I'm looking at the wall.

"Take a deep breath," he whisper-shouts in my ear. I do. And another, and one more, for good measure, unable to ignore how close he is to me, how warm his body is against my back. I'm angling my hips forward, I don't want to take advantage of the situation, he's not gay, he can't be gay and be that handsome, and I don't want to even hope for it.

He hugs me tighter and I feel my resolve melting. I never want him to let go, I want him as a personal security blanket forever more. Once I can breathe normally again he squeezes me close, a quick hug, then releases me. "I'm here with someone," he says to me. "I need to find her real quick, then I'll take you outside. Stay right here, don't you move an inch, understand?"

I nod as he slips from behind me, then pushes my back against the wall. His eyes travel my body and I know where they are looking every second, I can feel them, as chocolate-velvet as his voice.

"What's your name?" he asks.

"C-cody," I say, embarrassed by my stuttering, but it was what I did when I was nervous, and sometimes after panic attacks. Couldn't help it.

"Okay, Cody. I'm Lee. You're gonna stay right here until I get back, right?" I nod again, eyes locked on his fancy leather shoes. "Say it."

God, the force in his voice had my knees weak. "I'm gonna st-stay right here," I agree, but it's not even a choice.

"Good boy," he praises. I flush, and seriously, what the fuck. How do those words, which should feel condescending, how do they make me feel so stupid proud of myself?

He's only gone for a minute, but it felt like an hour. I didn't move, not even an inch. He takes my hand and pulls me forward, his smile my reward for a job well done, then we are moving. His hand feels like an electric fence, white hot electricity starting in my palm and pulsing through my bones.

The air outside tastes like freedom and I gulped it like a fish. Lee pushes me down the street a little bit, then gently guides me to a metal park bench. I could still hear the music, muffled, but still identifiable, Thunderstruck by AC/DC. Even though it was still warm out, it felt ten degrees cooler on the bench, letting me know exactly how sweaty I was, my pits and back damp. I wiped my brow to find sweat there, too. A breeze made me shiver, but I wasn't cold.

"Feeling better?" Lee asks. He's still standing, I'm studying his nice shoes again, feeling like a failure. I couldn't save my sister tonight. I couldn't even save myself. What a fucking failure, and in front of a man who's super power was being totally hot and ridiculously nice.

"Yeah, s-sure," I say. It comes out surly and I hate it, he doesn't deserve it, but I'm super fucked up right now that I can't stop it. "You should get b-back to your girl."

"Hmm?" Lee hums above him. "She's not my girl, just a friend. She's paying, then she'll be out. I'm more worried about you. Your stomach hurt or anything?"

I shook my head. God, those were really nice shoes. "Panic at-tack. I... I don't d-do well in crowds." This fucking stuttering.

"What were you doing here? On a date?"

"No, no," I say, my head still shaking. Somehow it's comforting. "Looking for my s-sister. She texted me, said she's here with some R-Rando she j-just met the other day."

"You're very considerate," Lee says. I can hear the smile in his voice, and his hand is on my shoulder again. I tense, I can't help it, and he pulls away and I hate everything about it but can do nothing to change it now. "Not too many people out there who'd give a shit about their siblings. She must be really important to you."

"My sister, she's good people, you know? I worry about her, like, she can't say no to people. No, not even that, she doesn't want to say no. She assumes everyone is as nice and innocent as she is, and they just aren't." Finally, I can speak again without tripping over every other word.

"She was meeting someone here? What's she look like? I could go back in and find her, once you're feeling better."

"Nah, I've already taken too much of your time. You're like her, maybe, too nice for your own good?"

He chuckles and my dick bobs in my jeans, and both my dick and I are super pleased that we made him laugh. I try to tell my dick off, suddenly ashamed of myself for finding him attractive. "Well, I think there needs to be more nice people in the world. I can't stop myself from helping someone who looks like they need it."

"I'm not a charity case," I grumble, the poisonous words dripping down my throat until I'm sick.

"Never thought you were," Lee says, patting my shoulder again. His hand is gone too quickly. "Oi! Carrie, over here," he calls and the poison in my stomach makes my entire abdomen clench. There is no way in hell that...

I look up and my sister is trotting over to me in her favorite dress, a black sundress covered in tiny little jolly rogers. No, not to me. To Lee. My mind is broken.

"Lee, is this..." She trails off once she's close enough to recognize me, even though I don't look up. "Cody? Oh, shit, Cody, did you have another attack?" Her hand lands on my shoulder, then she sits down next to me like a force of nature, her arm wrapping around me. She pulls me against her and I can smell orange juice and grenadine on her breath.

"T-tequila sunrise," I say, not what I wanted to say, but it's what came out of my mouth, along with my stutter again.

She nods, chuckles. "You're a freak, you know that?"

"If I'm a freak, so are you. We could be p-part of the f-freakshow, dis-conjoined twins," I say, my brain bypassing my filter and going straight out my mouth.

She laughs, pushing me with her shoulder. "We'd be the best tent in the whole sideshow." She hugs me again and we sit in silence for a few minutes. "You feeling better now?"

I nod, realizing I feel more grounded. "Yeah."

She squeezes me again, then jumps up from the bench. "What a flipping coincidence," she says, sounding excited now that I'm calmer. "I can't believe you ran into my brother, Lee."

My heart stops for a second. I somehow forgot he was still here, and now I was embarrassed as fuck about it. "Small world, I guess," he agrees. I usually hate it when people say something like that, but I don't when he does.

"So, Cody, this is Lee. Lee, this's my brother Cody."

"We met," Lee says, sounding fond, but I'm sure that was just in my head.

"Told you he was nice," Carrie whispers conspiratorially, leaning into me.

"I hope you're pleased with yourself," I snap.

"Oh, I am. I can't believe of all the people to find you, it was Lee," she says, sounding amused. She hugs me again, then stood up. "That's a crazy coincidence."

I roll my eyes at her and she sticks out her tongue at me, and I am instantly embarrassed again. He's too easy to be around, I keep letting my guard down, relaxing when I should be on hunk-proximity high alert.

"Did you drive here?" Lee asks. I nod.

"He doesn't really live close," Carrie says to Lee. "You still don't look too good," she says to me.

"I'm fine," I grumble, but we both know I'm not. I'm feeling unhinged and it feels so loud that I wonder of Lee can feel it, too.

"It's been a while since you've had a breakdown in public," she says, soft, but it's still loud enough for Lee to hear and I'm super embarrassed. "A month?"

"I dunno," I dismiss. I really don't know, but I don't want Lee to hear this, want him to have reasons to think I'm lame, even though the chance of him being gay, and then liking me on top of that... Next to none. I don't even know why I care, except that I do.

Fuck Lee for being so likable.

She nods to herself. "Yeah, about a month. Did you call him?"

"Shut up!" I snap at her. "Why do you care?" It was shitty and she didn't deserve it. I'm sure I looked like an asshole, but I couldn't stop myself.

She ruffles my hair, unbothered. "So you did?"

"No, I didn't," I growl. "You t-texted me first."

I could feel her preening, proud of herself. "Then I'm glad I did." I was ridiculously aware of Lee, standing there like a perfect Adonis, paying attention. "Sorry you had an attack, though. Thanks for coming."

I sigh. "I couldn't just sit at home when you're out with a..." I trail off, remembering she's here with Lee.

"Rando?" Lee offers. My stomach twisted again, but Carrie laughed, then he did, too, and the shame washed away.

"I mean, I guess it worked out okay this time," I begrudge. "But still!"

"You're sweet," Lee praises, and how did two words unravel me like that?

"Whatever," I say, cheeks burning. Lee chuckled and Carrie laughed again, amping up my jealousy.

"I'm driving you home," he says.

"Oh, can you drop me off on the way?" Carries asks. He was talking to her, but she thought he was talking to me for some reason?

"Of course," he says with a smile that fills and breaks my heart in an instant. "Did you drive here? Where's your car?" he asks, looking at me.

"Huh? My c-car?" I parrot, feeling slow.

"Yeah, your car," he responds. "I can always grab an Uber or something back to my car."

I shake my head. "No, no, I can't, that, I mean. No. You don't have to go out of your way for me."

He smiles and I swear his teeth glow in the dark. "No trouble at all, Cody. I wanna make sure you get home safe is all."

"I'll be fine," I insist, and I sort of believe it, though Jace's blocked number pops up in the back of my head like a bad commercial jingle.

"Cooooody!" Carrie exclaims. "Just shut up for one time and let someone do sumthin nice for you, K?"

"Are you drunk?" I ask, noticing her swaying. She hadn't been swaying before, had she?

"I wasn't gonna waste the drinks we bought, so I chugged them." Her smile is super wide, she's feeling silly.

I roll my eyes. "You're gonna regret that in the morning."

"Not if you get me home and I start chugging water like it's my job."

I sigh. "C-can't you just go home with Lee?"

"I'm taking you home," Lee cuts in, his tone final. It's not mean or even short, it just sounds like he doesn't get told no very often. Must be nice.

I look at Carrie and she's begging me with her eyes to just do it, and Lee expects it, so I give in. It's not hard to do, I do it all the time. "Fine. Come on," I say, then stand up and head towards where I parked. I am feeling better now that I am no longer in control, the pressure on my chest only feels like a horse now instead of an elephant.

Carrie and Lee follow behind me, and I don't even look back, don't want to see them flirting. It would break my resolve, and I'm terrified of the half hour car ride with them both. I don't know if I'm strong enough to not call Jace after watching that, knowing they'll be together when all I want is Lee's full attention. Cause I'm fucking selfish.

They carry a light conversation behind me until we get to my car. Carrie instantly pulls the front passenger seat forward and climbs into the back, then falls on her face, catching herself before she completely faceplants. Lee looks away quickly, letting me know her underwear were currently on display. She finishes climbing into the backseat, laughing uncontrollably.

Lee looks at me as I open the driver door, shaking his head. "I told you, I'm driving."

"I don't like other p-people driving my car." Shit, despite feeling a little better, I'm still stuttering.

He raises an eyebrow. "It would not be responsible for me to let you drive right now." He holds his hand out for the keys, moving into my personal space. My sister is laughing and singing Zombie by the Cranberries, badly.

He's right, and we both know it. I reluctantly hand over the keys, then march my surly ass over to the passenger side and throw myself into the bucket seat. The car smells like tequila sunrise, and I wonder if she didn't spill it on herself.

"Thank you," Lee says, sliding into my driver's seat in a way that would absolutely show up in my fantasies after this. "Could you please direct me to Carrie's house?"

I do. He drives, and the ride is weirdly awkward. Carrie's still singing Zombie, but she only knows the refrain and it's driving me crazy. "What do you want to listen to, Carrie?" I ask, ready to hear anything else.

"Hmm..." she says, and thank god she's stopped singing. "I wanna listen to... Panic! At the Disco!"

I groan and Lee snorts, amused. "Fine," I say and pull it up on Spotify. I knew it was a mistake before it plays, she starts singing loudly along with Brenden Urie, and she doesn't come close to his vocal range. It's painful, but Lee seems amused. The windows are down and the night is cooling off, and I'm feeling more and more under control.

After we drop Carrie off and get her situated it's my turn. I turn the music down, to something more chill. My head is throbbing from her singing.

"Okay, Cody. Your turn. How do you get to your house from here?"

I get him started on directions, then return my attention to the outside world speeding by. I'm trying to stop myself from objectifying Lee, and I'm trying not to think about how fast I'm gonna call Jace for a quick fuck as soon as he's gone. I can feel it building up, the need for some type of release, and I know it's bad. All I have to do is make it home, then I can warm up my bad decision bagel and hope it doesn't give me another STD.

"Carrie talks about you a lot," Lee mentions after a few minutes of silence between us. I'm nervous as hell now, knowing she's gonna be pissed at me after I let Jace ruin my ass again, then he says her name and it makes me feel pre-guilt. But, I'm still gonna do it, I need to do something.

"Does she?" I ask, still looking outside, anywhere but at Lee.

"She does. More than about herself, at least to me."

I think about this for a moment. "What'd she say?" I ask, more to pass the time than anything else.

"She told me you're an electrician. That you're twins, some fun little stories about you two growing up."

"Don't tell me she told you the red kool aid incident..." I grumble. She did, of course. She tells it to everyone.

He chuckles. "She did. She also told me about when you broke your leg falling out of your bedroom window when you were trying to sneak to a boyfriend's house."

I chuckle as well. "That snitch," I say, then my blood runs cold as I realize he knows I'm gay. "She, um, boyfriend?" I ask, not really sure what to say.

"Uh-huh. Even if she didn't tell me you were gay, and she didn't mean to, believe me, but even if she hadn't said anything, I knew it from the moment I touched you. How you reacted to me."

"Shit," I swear. "I'm s-sorry, I wasn't trying-"

"Hey, calm down Cody," Lee directs. I hadn't realized I'd been bouncing my leg, a nervous habit. I stopped when I realized it, but the minute I tried to pay attention to anything else it started again. "Cody, it's okay."

We're stopped at a red light. He looks over at me and I look even harder out the window. As hard as I can, but it's not hard enough. "Cody, look at me, please?"

I shake my head. "I'm s-sorry if I made you uncomfortable."

"You didn't," he insists. "To be honest, I'm interested in you."

"Interested how?" I ask. "There's no way you're gay, don't be m-mean to me l-like that."

"Why can't I be gay?" he asks. "And I'm not being mean. I think you're attractive, and I'd like to get to know you."

I don't know how to answer that, it feels like a trap.

He sighs. "I'll tell you about myself first." He peeks over at me and I pretend I wasn't watching him drive. "So, um, my name is Ashley Michael Sullivan. I'm thirty three years old. Um... I'm an optician. I like bad horror movies and-"

"Ashley?" I ask, my brain getting stuck on it.

He chuckles. "Laugh it up," he says. "Get it out of your system."

"I wasn't laughing," I reply. "Just, you know. It's a girl's name." I'm a fucking idiot. Why'd I say that? "This's my house, right here," I direct, pointing to my driveway, trying hard to brush my idiotic comment under the proverbial rug.

He pulls in and shuts the car off. "I know. It's a family name, and it was originally a boy's name, but not so much anymore."

"Your childhood musta been shitty with a name like that," I say, not thinking my words through again. Why couldn't I just shut up? "Sorry, sorry."

He chuckled. "You don't have to apologize. That's why I go by Lee. I don't usually tell people my full name."

"Did you tell Carrie?" He shakes his head no. "Why'd you tell me?"

"Cause I wanted you to know." It's insane how good that statement makes me feel, how special it makes me feel. He watches me carefully. "You want to invite me in?"

It's a question, a request, and a demand all at once. "Sure," I say, nervous as hell, but feeling good. I unbuckle and climb out of my car, then head to the door. He hands me the keys and I let us in, turn on some lights.

"You want some water or something? I think I might have some cola, but nothing, like, alcohol. I don't drink. Little over two years sober."

"Good for you," he says, and he means it. "I'll have some water, if you're having."

I move to the kitchen and get two glasses of water from the vendor on the fridge door. "Ice?"

"Yes, please," he says so close to me I jump. I hadn't realized he'd followed me. I change the setting and a few crescent shaped ice chunks plunk into his water. I hand him the water and he takes it from me, brushing my fingers with his. "Thanks."

God, he's good. My heart is beating like popcorn on the stove, frantic and all over the place. I hide behind my glass and chug half of it before I put it down. I'm feeling unhinged, and now I'm horny, and still thinking about how I'm gonna call Jace as soon as he leaves, cause he's way too good for me, even if he is gay, which I'm still on the fence over.

"Why'd you go with Carrie tonight if you're gay?" I ask, leaning against the kitchen counter. He takes a seat at the messy table.

"Your sister is charming," he admits. "I'm sure she told you, we bumped into each other at the free concert last week. I felt bad, I made her drop everything, she had a big bag of fries and a drink in both hands. I got something in my eye and was rubbing it, which I should know better than to do, then her stuff was on the ground and it was my fault. We got to talking and before I knew it the night was over.

"For the record, it was her who invited me today. I was very clear with her that I was gay, and that seemed to made her even more interested in me than before. It makes sense now." He chuckles. "Does your sister try to set you up with guys all the time?"

I shake my head, staring at my lap. "I guess every now and then. We seem to have the same taste in men." I chuckle, unable to catch my cool.

"She told me that you keep going back to your ex, the one that keeps cheating on you."

"Did she give you my whole life story?" I ask, offended. No, not offended. Embarrassed beyond belief.

"No," he replies. "I admit, I was asking about you, once I knew you were gay. She showed me your picture. You two look a lot alike, for fraternal twins."

"Lee, it feels like you're hitting on me, which doesn't seem possible when you're like fifty levels of hotness above me. I mean, like, I'm not that great."

"I disagree," he says.

"Are you, what are you doing? What is this?"

He looks at me, his head tilted just a bit. "Um, I'm talking to a guy I just met, and I think I might fancy."

"F-fancy!" I sputter. Nothing else comes to mind fast enough, so I repeat it. "Fancy?" He's smiling, and fuck, I'm in love. "You fucking with me?" I say, unable to process the fact that Lee might just be telling me the truth.