Decoding Desires Ch. 02

He's standing in the hallway now. I swallow hard, trying to run away, but also stuck in place. I mean, Lee's standing right there, in my hallway. I'm a tumultuous contradiction of emotion, stuck in place from just hearing my name from his lips.

"Mmm," he hums, taking a step towards me. "Just a towel?"

"I forgot my clean clothes!" I squeak. My feet finally get the message and I'm moving towards my bedroom again, faster than before, maybe fast enough to beat anything else Lee might say.

I almost think he's gonna follow me, but he doesn't. I escape into my room and shut the door, or rather slam it harder than I mean to, but I'm so freaking nervous I can't control myself. I don't even know what I'm putting on, I'm so frenzied, but I finally have clothing on and I'm ready to leave my room, but I'm not. I'm freaking out, panicking, ungrounded.

And that was all before I realized I'd forgotten to follow the directions in Sir's text. I'm not sure where all the air in the room suddenly went, I can't breathe.

I hear a knock on the door, a soft three-tap. "Cody, are you okay?"

"Fine," I squeak, and fuck it if I'm not going through puberty again. "Fine. Sorry! I'll be out in, ah, a year." Shit, why'd I say that. Double shit, when'd I sit down on my bed?

My eyes are locked on the doorknob, so afraid it will turn, and also wanting it to turn so much. I can't stand how duplicitous I am, but I guess that's who I am. "Can I come in?" Lee asks.

"You can do anything you want," I respond, not trying to be flippant, but that's how it comes off.

"Cody, I want to do what you want," Lee says through the closed door. "Would it bother you if I came in?"

I shook my head so violently the room spun with it, then course corrected. "You can come in," I croak.

Still, a few breaths pass before Lee opens the door. I'm still sitting on the bed and I go to stand up but he holds his hands up in front of him. "No, stay where you are. Are you okay? I shouldn't have come right after work, I'm sorry that it upset you."

"No, no, not that, I mean." I inhale deeply, then blow it all out. "I don't want you to think I'm a slob or anything. I mean-"

"Why would I think that?" Lee asks. He takes slow, steady steps towards me, as if approaching an injured mountain lion. "I don't think you're a slob." Actually, it was probably more like a kitten stuck in a tree, I was definitely not a mountain lion right now.

"I mean," I say, fumbling with my words, with expressing how I feel, not wanting to seem weak or pathetic in front of my dream man. "Just, I'm a mess. I'm usually not like this, I swear," I continue, images from the previous night flashing in my brain. I'm a fucking idiot.

"Cody, may I sit down next to you?"

"Sure," I say, not even thinking about it. He does, with a healthy space between us and I'm both disappointed and relieved. Why was I so freaking nervous?

"Did you have another panic attack?" he asks. I look at him sharply, how does he know these things about me? It's a dumb question he answers in his next breath. "I mean, it seemed like you were, at the bar last night.

Are you still processing last night?"

"Yeah, I guess," I admit, though not to what he was referring to. The panic attacks at the Arcade feel insignificant now.

"Do you regret what we did last night? Or this afternoon?" he asks, his hands balled up in his lap.

"No, no. I mean, yeah, a little, but not because of you!" I rush to get out. "Nothing, you're perfect."

"I'm far from perfect, Cody," Lee informs me. "I really like you, like, I felt like we really connected last night, and now I worry that I might have pushed you too far. I'm, I have..." He sighs and I can't say anything, hanging from his every word. "I'm a bit domineering. I can come on strong. I try to keep it in check, but last night you pushed every button I had. I don't know what came over me, it just, it felt like you were sending me signals, like you wanted it, too. I'm not trying to make excuses, but-"

"Fuck, Lee," I say, my mouth moving before I can stop it, or even think through what I'm going to say. "You didn't do anything wrong! I fingered myself like an animal in front of you! You're the most beautiful man I've ever met, much less had the opportunity to talk to, and I'm a fucking idiot neanderthal teenager acting the fool. I don't want you to think I'm, you know, a pervert or something, but I guess I already fucked that up."

Lee is silent for a moment and my skin was crawling from the stress. Goose flesh pimples the skin on my forearms as I wait for him to speak. "I'm a pervert, then," Lee says eventually.

"No, that's not what I meant!"

"I am, Cody. I liked it, last night, today. I always do this, come on too strong."

"I liked it, too," I argue. "A lot. I just, I'm not, I mean, I want you to like me, but I'm worried you'll think I'm a freak."

"I do like you," Lee says. "I don't think you're a freak, or a teenage neanderthal, or a pervert, or anything like that. Can I tell you something?" I nod. "I've never done anything like that with someone I just met, but last night, I wanted it. A lot."

"Me either, doing something like that, I mean," I admit, my throat tight.

"Did you enjoy it?"

I swallow hard. "So much."

"Me, too," he says, and his hand slides to my knee. It was bouncing and now that he was touching it I could relax it. "I really want to get to know you, but I also want to do that kind of stuff with you. Do you still wanna, you know, do stuff with me?"

He sounds so vulnerable that I'm nearly overwhelmed by the need to kiss him, but I hold back. "Yeah, of course," I whisper, his hand on my knee sending warm waves through my whole body to the pulse of my heartbeat.

He squeezes my knee and sighs. "I thought I'd fucked it up again," he says. A moment passes before he says anything. "You wanna get something to eat?"

I put my hand on top of his on my knee. He tenses, then squeezes again. "Yeah." He rewards me with a smile. We sit there for a few more breaths in silence, but it's not as tense as it had been.

We get in his car. His bluetooth connects, and suddenly the music is loud enough that I literally jump. He rushes to turn it down, but heavy, sludgy metal fills the space for a moment. Thirteen Fingers by Acid Bath.

"Sorry," he apologizes, the music now too low for good metal. "Wait a second, you like Acid Bath? Most people I know have never even heard of them "

"Hmm?" I ask, confused by his question.

"You named the song and the band just now. You did it at the bar last time, too."

"Oh." I don't elaborate, though he waits long enough for me to do so. "Um."

"You like Acid Bath, then?" he asks when I don't explain myself.

"My best friend in high school was a metal head. Lots of obscure stuff, too. I dunno, I liked it then, you know, typical angsty teen, but I haven't listened to metal in years. This's old, too." I immediately want to take back that last bit, worried I've offended him.

He shrugs it off. "Yeah, old, but still amazing."

"You know the singer put out a bunch of other music, after the band broke up when the one guy died."

"What? Really?" I nod. "Holy hell," he says, sounding interested. "I'm gonna hafta check that out. You like music, I take it?"

I'm blushing, but also super pleased with myself. "Yeah, I guess."

"You knew every song that came on at the bar," he chastises. "That's more than 'I guess' levels of likes music."

I chuckle. "Carrie says I'm a musical idiot savant. Jace used to call me a walking mp3 player, but, um..." I realize too late I've brought up my ex. "I guess that's an out of date reference. I dunno." I'm praying silently that he doesn't ask about Jace.

He wants to, I can tell by the tension in his jaw even though I don't even really know him. He wants to, but he doesn't. Another song comes on, Trashed and Scattered by Avenged Sevenfold. He liked older metal. Noted.

He looks over at me and smiles quickly before turning back to the road and I realize I said it aloud again. I flush, but he seems amused and didn't ask about Jace, so I count it as a win.

He drives us to the park and low and behold, there's a barbeque food truck that I somehow had never noticed before. I can smell slow-cooked beef well before we are close enough to queue. It's late for dinner, well after eight, but business is booming, and we find ourselves waiting in line. My mouth is watering, it smells so good, and Lee is smiling, he can tell how excited I am. My stomach growls and I flush. He laughs, and I join in, and it feels good.

I feel good, and until right now I didn't realize I hadn't felt this good in a long time. We move up a place in line and I reach out for Lee's hand, not really thinking it through. Too late I'm struck with the thought that he might pull away and how that would make me feel, but he doesn't. He smiles at me with his million dollar smile and squeezes my hand, then tugs me forward by it as we move closer to the mouthwatering finish line.

He orders for both of us and soon we are hauling a full rack of ribs, a slab of brisket, coleslaw, biscuits, and potato chips to a relatively secluded picnic table well away from where most of the other people have congregated.

It's heaven in my mouth as I tear into a little bit of everything. It all tastes so good, and I don't know if it's just that good, if it tastes better because I haven't eaten anything at all today, or if it's because of how happy Lee looks watching me eat.

We talk between bites, and then long after the food is gone and our trash cleaned up. We talk about everything, anything. It's so easy to talk to him I find myself opening up to him way too easily, but it doesn't make me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel validated.

Lee tells me about his adopted younger brother, about his dad, but doesn't mention his mother, and I don't bring it up. I find out his favorite movies are bad horror movies (which he'd already told me before, but I didn't correct him) and bad science fiction movies, that he loves to read fantasy novels (the longer the better), that he had cows and chickens when he was a kid.

After a bit Lee pulls his phone out, almost reluctantly. "I have to work in the morning," he explains, looking apologetic. "I should probably get you home and get going."

"What time do you work?" I ask, jumping up from the picnic table.

"Eight to Eight thirty," he says, standing up as well. "I work Sunday through Wednesday, three twelves and a four."

"Sounds intense," I say, not that my schedule can't be just as demanding, it just wasn't as fixed.

"Eh, it's okay," he replies, reaching for my hand. I catch his and he squeezes again, then we head towards his car.

"Thank you, for tonight," I say when we get to his car.

"Thank you," he counters. "I really enjoyed it."

"I mean, really, thank you. No one has ever, um, you know, done PDA with me in public before."

He's buckling his seatbelt now, but he looks over at me. "No one's ever held your hand in public before?"

I shake my head. "I mean, I get it, it's hard being gay, and especially for men, like with public displays."

"Cody, I will hold your hand in public every day of the week, no matter who's looking. You just haven't met the right men."

I chuckle, blushing into my lap. "Yeah, I guess."

The conversation gets unsettlingly close to discussion about Jace and I steer it away every time, but I can tell Lee is curious. We get back to my house, but I'm not ready to leave him yet. He turns the car off, but neither of us get out.

"You're really awesome, Cody," Lee says softly.

I snort. "You're the one that's awesome, Ashley," I correct.

He gives me a playful side-eye. "Are you gonna make me regret that I told you my real name?"

"Never," I swear. "I love it." Fuck, why'd I say the 'L' word.

It doesn't seem to trip him up. "Can I touch you?" he asks, surprising me.

"Um, yeah," I reply, suddenly on edge in the best way possible. There are so many butterflies in my stomach that I'm worried if I open my mouth they will all fly out, so I keep it shut.

Lee's fingers trace my jaw, and I instantly regret not shaving, but he doesn't seem to mind. They stroke down to my chin, turning my face towards him. His eyes are glowing in the light from his dashboard, I'm unable to look away as his fingers trace back up my jaw, then slip into my hair behind my ear. "Do you like it when I touch you?"

"Uh-huh," I say, incapable of forming real words when his fingers are massaging my scalp like that.

"Did you like it when you were my Brat?"

"Fuck yes," I hiss, leaning into his hand. It tightens in my hair, hard enough to bring tears to my eyes. I gasp and he releases it, then his fingers softly massage my scalp again.

"You still like it?" he whispers, the look on his face intense, but in the best way possible.

"Yes, Sir," I whisper, raising my hand to cover his. I lean into his palm against my head, then scrunch my fingers over his. He fists my hair and I gasp again, but I also hold his hand to keep him from relaxing. "I like it, Sir."

Lee exhales loudly, then shifts in his seat. He unbuckles his seatbelt with his other hand and leans across the car until his lips are so close to mine that I can feel his heat. "I don't want you to regret anything you do with me, Cody," he says, his fingers relaxing, but his hand still buried in my curls.

"I'll try," I whisper, leaning closer to him until my seatbelt restricts further movement. He pulls back just enough that I never reach his lips. I fucking love it, how he teases me, I've never felt like this before.

"It's not about trying, Cody," he says, his fingers relaxing, but still holding me in place. "You need to tell me when you aren't okay with something. It's about you being comfortable all the time around me. I couldn't handle it if, you know, I forced you to do something that made you feel bad, you know?"

"I mean, like, I liked it, I just didn't want to mess up with you, make you think I was a weirdo or something."

He strokes his fingers through my hair, and I'm humming like high tension wires. "Talk to me, yeah?" he asks, but also demands. "When you feel like that, okay?"

"I will."

"Don't let it get like today. If I'm out of line, if you're uncomfortable you say 'coffee'. You tell me right away. Don't do anything because you think it would make me happy. Anything we do, Cody, anything we do, we do because we both like it, and if that's not happening I need to know right away. Promise me, right now. I can't bear to see you upset because of me, okay?"

"Yeah. Yes, I promise," I say, feeling like a tool for my panic attack earlier, but in a better place now that I understood Lee a little more. "I'm sorry about earlier."

"Don't be sorry, Cody," Lee whispers, his other hand cupping my opposite cheek. "Just talk to me, okay?"

I nod. "I will," I promise again. I close my hand over his in my hair again, urging him to grab it again.

"You really are a brat, aren't you?" he asks, his tone dropping down low enough that I'm standing at attention in my pants.

"Yes, Sir," I reply. He fists my hair again and I shiver. It hurts, but in a really good way. "I wanna be your Brat."

"Very good," he praises, sending a bolt of pure energy through my body. "I want to kiss you, Brat." It's not a question, but it's completely a question as well. He does it so well that I swoon.

"Please, Sir. I want that, too."

He pulls me by my hair until our lips are just barely not touching. "Good boy," he whispers, the heat of his breath washing over my lips. He's controlling my head with his fist in my hair and he barely brushes our lips together, an electric shock of need knocking me on my ass. I hear myself whining and he chuckles, then crushes our lips together.

At first neither of us move, then I open up to him and he takes me by force. His lips are chapped and I love the texture difference. I can taste residual bbq sauce on his breath and I know that this flavor will remind me of this moment for the rest of my life. He doesn't give me time to think about it as he kisses me hard. I kiss him back, matching his pace. It's easily the best kiss I've ever had, and I never want it to end, but he kisses me with such ferocity that soon I'm out of breath, out of air, and I need to breathe.

He must sense it, or feel the same way as he pulls us apart by my hair. We're both panting, his dashboard-lit eyes are wild. I want him so much. I want to kiss him forever. I want to blow him right now, to feel his beautiful member filling my mouth, stabbing down my throat. I want his cum. I want him on top of me, or me riding him. I want his everything, and I want it all now.

I can't speak, I'm so overwhelmed. His fingers relax in my hair, then he presses our foreheads together. "I wish I didn't have to work tomorrow," he whispers.

"Me too," I agree. "But I also have to work." I sigh, and he follows suit.

"My appointment is tomorrow over my lunch break. Should have results by, I dunno, maybe Thursday."

"I'll stop by the clinic tomorrow," I promise.

"Good," he says, pulling away. I regret the second his fingers slip from my hair. "Not gonna be able to meet up again until at least Wednesday anyway," he says, and my heart hurts. I want to see him everyday. I want him to never leave.

"Okay," I say.

"Just, you know, because of my schedule."

"Yeah, makes sense," I say, trying not to sound too disappointed. I unbuckle, my hand on the door, but I'm not done, not if I can't see him until Wednesday. I reach across the car before I wimp out and catch his chin, then kiss him like I might never see him again. He moans in the back of his throat and kisses me back, his hands around my neck. I don't know what to do with my own, but then I find one of them on his cheek and the other in his hair.

"Hmm, Cody," he moans, pausing for breath, then dives back in as soon as he takes it. Kissing Lee is hypnotic, I can't stop myself, but he stops us both with a will power I'll never have. "I could kiss you all night long," he whispers into my mouth. "But, I have to work, and so do you. Just cause we can't meet up doesn't mean we can't text and talk."

"Mmm-hmm," I say, dazed from our kisses. "Yeah." A moment passes until I can find a normal breathing pattern again. "I should let you get going."

"Yeah," he agrees, then reaches across the car and pulls me into another kiss. I'm melting into him, but eventually we both break away again. He looks at me and I love the wild look in his eyes, showing me how much he wants this. It makes me need more, but I know he has to go, and I can tell he knows it, too.

"Call me tomorrow, like, when you're done with work?" I ask, hoping it's not out of line.

"Yeah, sure, of course," he says, happier than I expected. "I was a little nervous that it would seem too clingy."

"I like clingy," I reply. He squeezes my hand and then slowly pulls away, neither of us want to go, but I open the door and step out.

He turns the car on and rolls the window down. "Call you tomorrow," he says.

I smile and wave. "Looking forward to it."

He puts his car in reverse, but hesitates. "Oh, and Brat?"

I gulp. "Yes Sir?"

"You're not allowed to cum until I say so."

His words hit me like a wall. My balls are already aching, and I know it's just going to get worse. I swallow hard before I answer, so turned on and riled up I can hardly stand. "Yes, Sir," I growl.

He laughs, then pulls out of my driveway. I watch him until his taillights disappear around the corner, then moan out loud, frustrated and horny beyond belief.

It's fucking amazing. I get a text from him twenty minutes later. 'Thank you so much for tonight.' It was immediately followed by 'If you cum without permission I'll have to punish you."