Denial and Acceptance Pt. 05

This is the fifth part of the series and I would still recommend you read the previous parts so you're familiar with the characters and story. Things finally heat up!

Ake -

I woke to a dark room. I heard breathing next to me and sighed. I hadn't meant to invite Bill to stay the night, but after a text from Dan saying he was on his way home, and a few glasses of wine, I didn't want to be alone.

Bill was nice enough, though he seemed somewhat pushy about sex. I didn't mind, really. I'm as sexually healthy as the next guy. But it just felt like there was some kind of disconnect in the chemistry between us. And, even though I could admit that, I couldn't seem to cut him out of my life.

I think, if I did, I'd immediately run to Dan, and I have no idea how that would all work out. What if I pushed Bill out the door only to have Dan slam his in my face? Then again, what if I was keeping Bill around just so I didn't have to face being alone, or risk the potential for happiness?

I gently slid out of bed, pulled on a robe and walked to the kitchen. I popped a pod in the coffee maker and pushed the button to start a cup brewing. The sun was just starting to rise and the sky was a pretty orange.

About five am. A little more sleep than I normally get. The wine probably helped.

It was after seven before I heard Bill get up and get in the shower. I was sitting in my chair when he came into the living room.

"I'm off." He announced.

"Working today?" I distractedly asked.

"Yeah, going to get some work done today."

I knew it was a lie. Bill never stuck around the next day. This was his pattern. He'd do his own thing for a few days, call me up for a date, get me drunk and try to have sex with me all evening, then leave first thing in the morning and not call for awhile.

"I'll call when I'm free."

"I don't think that's necessary."

He stopped by the door, keys to his car in hand.

"What do you mean?"

"This isn't going anywhere, and I think I'm done. It's been fun Bill, but we're through."

"C'mon, you don't mean that."

"I do. I really do."

We argued for a little while, but I could tell he was just trying to keep his booty call open. He finally gave up and started shouting. There was a moment I wondered if he'd get violent, but he finally stormed out, slamming the door behind him.

I sat in the chair for a long time, thinking that was long overdue, and wondering what to do next.

What the hell do I do about Dan?

Dan -

The next day I started slow. I didn't get out of bed until nine and staggered to the shower. I scrubbed, then soaked for a good long while before wandering naked to my room. I slipped on a pair of boxers and unpacked my suitcases.

I was off today, but would be in the office for the next week. The project launched on Wednesday and I would be there for post-production support. If everything went well, I would be unemployed by the following Friday. I was looking forward to that time off.

I considered spending some time in the shop, but wanted to be sure we were ready for production, so I got dressed in some athletic shorts and a t-shirt, logged in to the company network and began reviewing our current status.

At some point I made coffee, but it wasn't until my stomach growled that I realized I'd lost all track of time. I patted my pocket and remembered I was wearing shorts without pockets. I walked to my room for my phone and found it dead. After digging through my carry-on bag for the charger, I walked back into the kitchen and plugged it in to charge while I looked for something for lunch.

More like early dinner. It's already 4!

It dawned on me that I hadn't had a chance to go shopping since I got home. I contemplated just ordering something to be delivered, but decided I want some fresh air. I threw on a fanny pack and tucked my wallet and phone in there. I was happy to see the Bluetooth headphones I normally used while running, though I wasn't sure if they were still charged. I figured I'd use the spare house key I kept hidden outside to get back in.

I locked the door behind me and started jogging. I didn't have a destination in mind, though there were a few restaurants a mile or two away from me. I ran for two miles, then three, and before I knew it I was pushing five miles. I was tired, but not exhausted. All I could really think about was having to make my way back home after eating.

Maybe something light for dinner.

I ended up at a bistro that served mostly homemade soups and sandwiches. I picked a turkey club and thanked the waitress when she set a pitcher of ice water on my table.

"Oh, that's for me, honey. It looks like you will be having a few and I don't feel like spending all evening walking back and forth." She winked as she moved to the next table to take their order.

I ate slowly, enjoying the cool evening air. When I paid the bill, I left a generous tip, noting that I had indeed almost finished the pitcher of water she had brought.

I started walking a different route back, figuring I'd give my stomach a break before I started jogging again. I pulled out the headphones and found them charged, so I put them in and fired up some music.

I spent the time getting home thinking about what I would do after I finished this contract. The possibilities were pretty wide open. The contract was paying me well, I had very few bills, so I had a really good amount of savings.

Maybe it's time to travel.

The possibilities flit through my mind as I started jogging again. I had everything I needed for the bike. I could pack for a long trip, maybe see if I could make it to some distant point without riding highways, or just seeing how many miles I could make on dirt.

I had a rough idea of what I would do for the next few weeks at least.

Hell, maybe the next few months!

All those thoughts fled my mind as I jogged onto my driveway and saw Ake sitting on my front porch. He stood, brushed off his backside and gave a small wave.

I hadn't realized I'd stopped completely until he started walking toward me.

When he got close, I held up my left hand to stop him coming closer. With my right I pulled out one of the headphones.

"I'm pretty sweaty." I heard myself say.

He shook his head and wrapped his arms around me. I hugged him back.

"Welcome back." He said when he finally moved away.

"Thanks. I wasn't sure I'd see you." I admitted.

He shrugged. "I had my own things to deal with for awhile, but I think they're wrapped up."

I knew he was being vague, but let it go. I was dealing with my own stuff that I wasn't prepared to talk to him about, so it didn't seem right to pry. I put my headphones away and walked to the house, lifting up the stone under which I hid my spare key. I unlocked the door and put the key back under the rock, knowing if I carried it in the house I'd forget to replace it.

I invited him in and offered him wine. He accepted, so I opened a bottle and poured us both a glass. I unclipped the fanny pack and dropped it on the counter in front of me.

"You've been staying busy, it seems. You look good."

I nodded. "Thanks. Between the project and spending time with my sister, I figured I'd start jogging again. Try to spend a bit more time on myself. Clear my head, you know? How about you? It's been awhile since I heard from you. You've been well?"

"I have. Not much going on here. Work, a little riding, running when I can."

"That's it?" I laughed. "That's a month?"

He shrugged. "What can I say? I'm a creature of habit. I have my practice that keeps me busy and my time on my own can fluctuate, so my interests are generally few."

"I don't mean to laugh, I suppose before this last month all I did was work and play a bit of soccer, so it's not like I'm one to talk."

"How's your family?" He asked, changing the subject.

I told him about my sister, her divorce, her somewhat recent discovery she is gay. I couldn't look at him when I talked about that part. I talked a lot about Emily and everything she got up to while we were there. During one story, we were both laughing.

"She sounds like a handful!" Ake finally said, still laughing.

I just nodded, unable to catch my breath. "She is at that." I said, finally. I calmed down when I thought about how much I missed them. "It was pretty tough to leave this time, though it gets a little tougher every time I see them."

"I can imagine."

"When's the last time you saw your family?" I found myself asking.

He thought about it for a moment. "Maybe a year? I'm going back in two weeks, though."

"To stay?" a hint of panic crept into my voice.

Ake shook his head. "No, just for ten days. The practice is a little slow right know, which is a mixed blessing. Mila and Katie suggested I go home for a bit."

"We seem to be just missing each other."

I saw Ake wince slightly at my choice of words. "Sure seems to be. And, speaking of. I should get going. It's pretty late."

I looked out the window and saw it was pitch black outside.

"Ok, but no more months at a time before we see each other, ok?"

Ake smiled when he looked at me and I felt my heart skip a beat. He nodded. "Then how about lunch tomorrow?" He asked.

I shook my head. "Unfortunately, having just said that, this week is going to be impossible to plan. We're launching on Wednesday, so it's all hands on deck. I'll probably be pulling some late hours."

"Then we play it by ear? Maybe a late dinner?" He asked.

I thought for a moment and nodded. "That might work, but it'd be pretty late notice, unfortunately."

He shrugged. "I don't have a lot going on until I leave. Like I said, the practice is slow right now."

"I don't want you to be waiting on my call."

He shook his head. "We'll just text, and if it works, it works. If not, we'll do something when you free up again."

I smiled, thankful that he wasn't running for the hills again. "Deal. Project release seems to be a pretty hectic time, but sometimes there are breaks while we wait for code or the release window."

"Release window?" Ake asked.

"We have to bring down the system entirely to install the new code. Can't really do that while three hundred or so users need the system for their daily job."

"No, I suppose that makes sense. So it sounds like you'll be pulling an all-nighter on Wednesday?"

I nodded. "Yep. Thankfully it'll be from home. I hate when I have to be in the office for these things. It's a whole lot of waiting, some scrambling to make sure things are working, then waiting for users to login in the morning. I'd always prefer to do that from home."

"I don't blame you." A thoughtful look crossed his face.

I walked him to the door, catching myself staring at his ass. I pulled my eyes up to his head just before he turned around and embraced me in a quick hug.

I left the dishes in the kitchen, but retrieved my phone. No messages, so at least work was quiet. I plugged it in to charge in my bedroom while I took a shower. Naked, I collapsed onto the bed and was asleep within minutes.

Ake -

Dan and I texted off and on throughout the week. It was a bit hit and miss since I was still seeing patients and he was buried in his project work, but we both expected the delayed responses. I mean, that's sort of the point of texting, isn't it? The asynchronous nature of it?

Knowing that Dan would be up working all night Wednesday night, I started hatching a plan for Thursday morning.

I didn't know much about Dan's work. To be honest, we haven't spent enough time together to really dig into the weeds about each other's lives. What I expected, however, was that it was going to be stressful, and tiring. And I also suspected that he would likely be doing nothing but drinking beer and coffee all night.

That Wednesday evening, I left the office at five. Katie had been pressing me about why I seemed to be smiling so much. I told her it's because I was going home to see family, soon. I'm not sure she bought it, especially since I wasn't planning on coming in until 1:00 PM the following day, but I didn't give her a chance to argue.

I went shopping for some clothes. A couple necessities that I needed, like new headphones for running, and then just window shopping since I was already out. I picked up a few things, then made my way to a grocery store. I purchased some various food items, then decided to eat out since it was already so late. I opted for something lighter since I was a little nervous about my plan for the following day.

Actually, I was just this side of terrified.

I focused on what needed to be done, and set to work preparing some of the food for the following day. That done, I cleaned the kitchen and went to bed. Sleep was slow in coming due to the nerves, and early hour, but I finally managed to get to sleep a little after 10:00 PM.

The following morning I woke up at 4:30 AM and made my way to the kitchen. I threw together the ingredients to make my grandmother's traditional Swedish rye bread. I knew it would need about two hours to prove, so I wanted it started now so I could bake it later this morning.

Once that was in a bowl, oiled, covered with a towel and left to prove, I took a long time getting ready. I made sure my entire body, below the eyebrows, was hairless. I did some other, less sexy bodily preparations, then got out the clothes I'd purchased the night before.

I pulled on a new seamless thong, slipped some no-show socks over my feet, put on a new pair of pale pink yoga pants and pulled a thin tank top over my head. I applied a touch of mascara, some light foundation, and some lipstick that was just a shade darker than my natural lip color. My hair I brushed thoroughly, then pulled back into a high ponytail.

I looked in the mirror and was pleased with the result. Pleased and my nerves were shot. This was the most deliberately feminine I'd made myself look in a very long time and it would be the first time Dan would see me like this. I figured he'd be ok with it, but I couldn't help but be nervous. I'd had plenty of bad experiences when people saw me dressed this way. It was difficult to push those anxieties aside.

I gathered the items I'd bought from the grocery store, as well as a few other things from my own kitchen, and put them in reusable bags. These I carried out to the car and started driving toward Dan's.

I got there ten minutes after 6:00 and, after one deep breath, I put one bag down, knocked on the door, then picked it back up.

After a few moments, Dan answered the door wearing nothing but a pair of athletic shorts and a thin, worn out t-shirt. There was a moment of confusion, then his eyes widened as he recognized me.

"Ake?"

This was the moment I dreaded. This moment when people recognized that I was wearing makeup and deliberately dressing feminine. I never knew how they would react. I only hoped Dan's reaction would be positive.

"You look incredible!"

I admit, my heart soared, and I wasn't sure I'd be able to stop smiling.

"But...what are you doing here?"

I raised the two bags slightly to show him. "I figured you've been up all night drinking coffee and beer. Am I right?"

He nodded. "Close for sure. It started with beer, but switched to scotch when they installed the wrong version of the code at two in the morning."

"Right. So, since your body is probably screaming for some real food, that's what I brought."

"You don't have to..."

"Shush, just let me loose in your kitchen and keep out of my way for an hour or so."

He pulled me into a hug and I nearly swooned. He smelled like him, if clear he hadn't showered in the evening. And there was one other unusual smell I was surprised by.

When he let me go, I squinted at his face. "Have you been smoking?"

I almost laughed when he blushed and scrubbed his hands through his hair. "No! Well, yes, I mean. Not cigarettes? At least not anymore. I mean, I used to, but I quit, but sometimes when work gets really stressful, I smoke a small cigar and..."

"Dan!"

He stopped rambling and just looked at me. "Dan, you'll cope with work however you need to. I was just surprised is all."

He chuckled a bit before finishing his thought. "It really was just the one. I rarely smoke them anymore, but I do wonder if this is one of those habits that will stick with me forever."

I wasn't bothered by him smoking. I went through my own phase in my college years.

My arms were starting to get sore from holding the bags, so I nudged him.

"These are heavy, so either you help me by holding them while we talk, or move so I can get to the kitchen!"

His eyes widened a bit as he realized he was blocking the door.

"How about both?" He said, smiling.

He took the bags from me and I kicked off my shoes by the door before following him into the kitchen. Aside from some remnants of the coffee and alcohol, it was still as clean as I remembered.

"Ok, so where are you with work?" I asked him.

He stepped to the dining table and swung his laptop around so it was facing him. He bent over the table with his back to me. I just wanted to lean over him from behind and wrap my arms around his middle. I couldn't help the sigh that escaped my lips.

I put the bags down, quickly, to try to use the activity to hide my blushing.

"Looks like we're good. The early testers have logged in and aren't seeing any problems. So, unless the entire place burns to the ground, I've been cleared to get some sleep."

"Do you have to check back in at a certain time?"

He shook his head. "I'll leave my phone on so they can call if there's a problem, and I'll login and check whenever I wake up later today. But otherwise, I won't go in until Friday."

"Then your project is all done?"

He shrugged this time. "Probably not. I've never seen a project release without some issues. There will be bugs to chase for the next few weeks. I'll work with them to prioritize the ones they get over the next week, then make sure they have a system in place to deal with any future issues. THEN I'm done. So, next Friday or Saturday will be my last day with them."

I nodded.

"Well, like I said, I need about an hour, so why don't you get cleaned up and come back later. We can talk some more while this all finishes up."

He smiled, nodded, then left the room. I got to work. I first pulled out an apron and tied it on.

I turned on the oven to pre-heat, then got the bowl out of my bag that held the proved rye dough. I was thrilled to see it still large and fluffy. I was worried that it would collapse on the drive over. I know Dan must have some of the ingredients, but I brought everything I needed with me, just so I wouldn't have to worry about having to find it.

I pulled some flour out of my bag and coated the work surface. I punched down the dough, then put it on the flour-covered surface and began kneading it. I worked until it was nice and elastic, and no longer sticking to the counter. I set it aside to rest as I began pulling other items out of the bags.

Eggs, lobster, heavy cream and salt and pepper. A dozen pieces of thick cut peppered bacon from the butcher was followed by my bullet blender, a carton of strawberries, a small bottle of brandy and a bottle of sparkling wine. The wine I put in the fridge to chill while I continued getting breakfast ready.

The bread was divided into two equal portions, then placed into the loaf pans I brought. Those went into the oven and I set a timer on my phone.

After that I just focused on getting things ready. I blended strawberries, confectioners sugar and a bit of brandy together, then set that in the fridge to chill.

I then cleaned up the counter and checked the timer. I had some time, so I dug through cupboards until I found plates, flatware and napkins. I moved his laptop to the coffee table in the living room, then set the dining table with two place settings next to each other. Satisfied, I checked the timer and decided it was time to start the bacon. I pulled over a cast iron pan and turned the heat on.