Destruction or Renewal - The Struggle

Writing a forward for this story is difficult. It started as one thing but took on a life of it's own. My stories often deal with marriages that have gone off the rails. This is the story of three people, plain and everyday people with character flaws and neuroses and needs. There is much truth in this story from what I have observed. I hope it is entertaining and I hope it teaches a lesson.

There are strong romance and loving wife elements. If someone feels it is in the wrong place Im sorry but mature seems the best category.

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Harvey came home from work one day and instead of giving me a kiss he just trudged into the living room and sat in his chair. He normally asked about my day and I asked about his. Today he was like a stone.

"What's wrong honey?"

"Nothing."

"How was your day?"

"Same."

"Are you okay, you look mad?"

"I'm fine."

Harvey had been acting off his normal self lately. He was usually self-confident. He ran the IT department at the university. Today he was almost grunting out his replies.

With nothing but these minimal answers I knew enough to cut my losses and just get supper on the table. It was one of his favorites, meatloaf and gravy, mashed potatoes and asparagus.

He sat stoically and ate. Normally I would expect to hear something, even an appreciative Mmmmm would have been welcome but I got nothing. If I had to sum up his demeanour in one word it would be "brooding."

After we ate. We sat together in the living room. He read the paper, I read a novel. We didn't say a single word. I went to bed at my usual time. Harvey stayed up late. He never came to bed that night, he slept in his recliner.

From that day on our relationship plummeted. Our conversations, when we had them, were single words or arguments. I asked what the problem was and why there seemed to be this growing chasm between us. That just spurred us on to more arguments.

Our marriage had been wonderful but as we aged we changed. As his need for physical affection decreased mine increased. We had tried to start a family but we had no luck.

When he asked me what it was I wanted I told him I wanted closeness, love, conversation, partnership and sex.

He replied that we were no longer horny teenagers. He said that if I wanted to go and fuck in the back seat of the car then I should grow up and accept reality, it wasn't happening.

When I asked him what he wanted his reply was, "Just to be left the fuck alone."

Needless to say there was no physicality between us. He was as emotionally distant as he was physically.

I spoke to my doctor about it and he suggested that I relax, not bug my husband about it. He said we all go through these cycles and it would work its way out.

Nine months later it is had not changed. Frankly, I'd had enough. I am a patient and loving person but there is a limit.

"Harvey, we are still not on the same page emotionally. If I booked an appointment with a psychologist/marriage counsellor would you come with me?"

"No Deb, we don't need it, it's expensive."

"But our marriage is just not working. We were happy for years, I still don't understand why the change."

"We grew up."

"Men your age are still having lots of sex. Why are you not interested in me anymore?"

"That kind of sex is for the young. I'm just not interested."

"Are you getting it from someone else?"

"No!"

"Please, Harvey I feel us slipping away. Do you want a divorce?"

"No, that is crazy. We don't need one."

"I am not satisfied with our relationship."

"Why don't you go out and get a job, find something you're interested in and leave me in peace!"

I took his advice and went out on a job hunt. Delbrook Industries was third on my list. I asked for the Human Resources manager and I gave him my resume. He glanced at it and then at me. If you have a moment come to my office.

He led me through the building into his neatly appointed office.

"This is quite good timing. I just had an employee hand in their resignation this morning. How are your computer skills?"

"I'm good with PC or IOS. I'm skilled in Excel, Word and PowerPoint. I'm a fast study when it comes to tech so I can learn on the fly. My husband runs the IT department at the university, I pickup a lot from him."

"I can offer you a position on a trial basis. It is working with a sales group so PowerPoint skills are very important. I can start you at the same salary as the previous employee, it is more than the going rate for similar positions. If the department head approves you'll have full benefits. What do you think?"

"I think that's wonderful!"

"Let's take you around and introduce you."

I was gushing with pride when I told Harvey about my new job.

"It's a great position and the team is friendly. Benefits and the pay are excellent."

"Good, maybe now you will have something to keep you busy. I'm sorry that I... Im glad you got the position."

When it was lunch time the following day I found a small table for two in the crowded lunch room. I was eating my sandwich when someone came to the table asking if they could sit with me. It was the only seat available so I said yes.

He introduced himself as Tom.

"Hi, Tom I'm Deb."

"The new girl in sales! I am in accounting. Just another boring bean counter."

He was anything but boring, he was an interesting guy, tall, well over six feet and maybe ran around 190 lbs. he was in good shape. I figured he was maybe three to five years younger than me. He was handsome but he could benefit from some more stylish eyewear. He was wearing those big black frames. It completed the hot nerd look.

"How are you enjoying the new job?"

"I love it. The team is very friendly."

"The last woman they had in your position was a real piece of work. She made enemies in every department."

"So tell me about yourself, Tom."

"I've been here for three years. I really enjoy it. It's a great atmosphere. I am single, actually I am divorced. My wife decided that having an accountant for a husband was beneath her. She traded up, or so she claims."

"That's too bad. I am married, have been for years. Not divorced yet but sometimes I think that will be the inevitable outcome."

"Sorry you're having issues. Marriage can be tough. I can sympathize so if you need to talk about anything I am a good listener."

"Thanks, I'm sure you are."

Tom and I would sit together at lunch time each day. Sometimes we would trade sandwiches or give each other half of what we had brought. It was fun. Tom was a very talkative man, the very opposite of my husband who barely speaks to me anymore. We met daily at lunch for several months.

------

Harvey stayed uncommunicative and glum.

"You know, Harvey, we're living together like brother and sister or like room mates not like a married couple. Is that really what you want?"

"Are you complaining about this again?"

"I just don't understand what it is you want out of our marriage."

"I want to come home and have peace in the house. I want a decent meal and a place to lay my head. I would appreciate not being told I'm cold and indifferent. I am who I am."

"What about love, romance and sex."

"That was fine when we were courting. Not now."

"I am not satisfied with that. I need some romance, some love and intimacy. I'm not getting it from you."

"Sorry, I'm... I am who I am."

------

That Monday at lunch I poured out my frustrations on Tom. He listened to me ranting and then calmly put his hand on top of mine.

"He cares for you in his own way Deb, it's just not in a way that you want. It must be so frustrating for you."

"Tom, you just laid your hand over mine. That is the most intimate contact I have had in months!"

"Really? Because I can do much better than that."

The way he smiled at me sent a shiver down my spine. Was he implying that wanted to have more intimate contact with me?

"I wish! You are a wonderful, kind and understanding man." Damn, I was actually flirting.

"No need to wish Deb. I would be happy to give you more intimate contact. I know you are a married woman and you have your limits but you are also a woman with needs that are not being met. I would never want you to go beyond what you are comfortable with but please know I'm here for you."

"Thanks Tom."

He always seemed to know the right things to say.

------

That night I asked Harvey to set aside some time for a serious discussion about boundaries.

"So what's the question you have about boundaries?"

"Yesterday a man touched my hand with his and he held it tenderly. It almost made me cry. I need it, just like I need air to breathe. I need this kind of intimate contact. If you can't give that to me then I will have to find another source. I am asking you if you understand that. If you agree then we carry on living as we are now. If you tell me that you don't want me to have intimate contact with a man then I will request a divorce."

He closed his eyes as if in pain.

"You would want a divorce because I won't hold hands with you? Don't be silly."

"If you don't tell me it is okay for me to seek out this kind of physical contact I will ask for a divorce."

"You're unbelievable. If you want to go play teenager then go ahead. Just leave me out of it."

I really hadn't expected that response. I thought he would get upset or jealous or tell me he would give me more attention. He simply told me to go ahead. Who was this man I married? He was never like this.

The next day at lunch I nervously told Tom that we should eat quickly and then go for a walk.

We walked to the park nearby the office. It was a beautiful outdoor space that helped calm me down.

"Tom, I had a talk with Harvey last night. He told me to go ahead. I can seek intimacy without him. He is just not interested."

"Wow. So how do you want to do this?"

"Just hold my hand as we walk."

That was almost sensual overload. It felt so very intimate to hold someone's hand like this. I understood what Harvey said about it being a part of courting. He thought courting was over and done with. I wanted the courting to last forever!"

After our quick walk we went back to the office.

We repeated this daily for a month before he took me on a path I'd never been on before. It went a little further back into the trees. It was there that he stopped and took me in his arms and kissed me.

I hadn't been ready for that and it overwhelmed my senses. I couldn't react, so for Tom, it must have felt like kissing a dead fish.

He pulled away, I said "Wait!"

I then kissed him and he returned the kiss. It was beyond sensual it was amazing and I felt the blood rush as my heart beat faster.

"Thank you," I said.

"Thank you Deb, I felt that you needed that."

"I did, you don't know how much I needed that."

------

Harvey asked how the "more intimate"contact thing was working out for me. I was surprised that he was initiating the conversation.

"It's going alright."

"Is there someone special?"

"Yeah, a friendly guy at work. It's pretty tame stuff. We eat sandwiches together, go for walks and hold hands as we walk. The other day he actually gave me a kiss."

"Does that sort of thing fulfill that need for you?"

"For now, because you can't or won't, it is sufficient."

"As long as you're happy...I wish..."

For a moment she thought he was feeling some regret, but that was too much to ask for. it was unlike Harvey tonit finish his sentences. it seemed like he wanted to say more but had trouble with his thoughts.

------

The lunchtime walking always included a kiss. I was enjoying the closeness with Tom so much.

"Deb, do you ever feel that you want more?"

"How so?"

"Holding hands and a pure kiss is hardly scratching the surface. Don't you ever feel like you want more?"

"Yes but I am married. I don't want to upset things. Harvey seems ok with what we have been doing."

"I'm really starting to have feelings for you Deb and it is difficult not to want more."

"That's why I keep reminding you that I am married and not available as a single woman would be."

That conversation haunted me all that afternoon. I hated to disappoint Tom but didn't want to upset peace at home with Harvey.

Later that evening...

"My friend at work asked me if we could go a little further with our intimate contact."

"Like what?"

"Use your imagination Harvey. We are holding hands and kissing."

"So the next step is light petting, heavy petting and eventually fucking, am I right?"

"I don't know where it's leading."

"Ah but I, the all-knowing Harvey knows exactly where Mr. Tom Blackmoor wants to take it."

"How do you know his name?"

"Do you think I don't care about you? I looked into who you worked with and who you've been having lunches and touchy-feely walks in the park with. Tom Blackmoor is an interesting man. How old would you say he is?"

"I was guessing about thirty."

"He is forty-five. Did he explain why he is no longer married?"

"Yes, his wife grew bored being married to an accountant."

"His wife divorced him because he was cheating on her with a coworker. He lost his wife and his job. When I discovered his history I knew it was a matter of time till he would make a move to up his game with you."

"You're wrong, Tom is the kindest gentlest man. He has been patient with me too. He's not forcing me."

"No, he doesn't need to force you because you are willing to be his lover. If you are asking me for my approval to open up our marriage then my answer is no. I won't give my approval. Your choices are pretty clear, Deb. You can ignore what I said and proceed as you wish. If you do then our marriage will be over. You can continue holding hands and kissing in the park. I will tolerate that but not approve of it. I doubt that will suit Tom Blackmoor. Of course, you could also stop fooling around and stay here with me. Ive been a fool to allow as much as I have!"

"Please Harvey, if you won't give me love why won't you let Tom?"

"Because he is not your loving husband, I am. You originally said I should give you leave to betray me or you would file for divorce. Would you like me to start the proceedings for a divorce or will you come to your senses?"

"Please give me some time. I need to think."

"Don't take too long or I'll just assume your answer."

Damn it, this is not what I anticipated. All I ever wanted was Harvey to show some physical affection. Now I have developed feelings for Tom and Tom wants me.

I refuse to go behind Harvey's back so if he doesn't give his approval then it doesn't happen and I go back to a celibate marriage."

The following day I spoke to Tom.

"I'm sorry but we can't do any more than we have already done. I want to but Harvey won't agree to opening up the relationship."

"Why do you need his approval? He isn't acting like a husband. You are starved for love and I have so much to give."

"Did your wife divorce you because you had an affair with a coworker?"

"Where did you hear that lie?

"Are you really forty-five years old?"

"Yes, I look much younger though."

"Will you be satisfied if we keep holding hands and kissing in the park?"

"It would be frustrating as hell. I am falling in love with you Deb. I want to make love to you."

"You may not believe this but I have feelings for you and I love Harvey."

"It must be hard for you. Because I am hard for you and he isn't!"

He took my hand and pulled it to his crotch. I could feel his erection and I wanted it. I wanted it more than anything. I wanted to touch it, squeeze it, stroke it, suck it and nibble on it. I wanted to ride that erection to an epic orgasm. All that went through my mind in a heartbeat. I held my hand there for a few seconds longer than appropriate.

"I can't." I said and walked back to my desk.

Later that evening Harvey and I went out to a restaurant for dinner. It was a rare occasion. I figured it was an attempt at an intimate dinner date. As we ate we discussed my work and how much I was enjoying it. When coffee came he asked me about my decision. I told him I was still considering it.

"I told Tom we couldn't escalate things. He was disappointed."

"I should think so. You are quite a prize catch my love. I am sure he would love to bed you."

"If I'm such a prize catch why do you keep throwing me back? Why don't you keep me?"

"I did keep you. You are my wife, I love you, it's just that I have no libido to speak of. The urge rarely comes upon me and it's brief when it does come. In fact...."

"There are drugs for that though."

"No, you're thinking about viagra. They give a man the ability but not the mental desire. I am not completely asexual but I don't feel the driving hunger for sex that men like Tom Blackmoor feel."

"Okay, I get it. My sex drive is more like Tom's. I want sex. Do I want it with him? Yes but only because I can't have it with you."

"If I gave you my approval for a one time only sexual encounter do you really think that would satisfy you or would it only be priming the pump for more?"

"My heart says one time would be enough. My head says it would only lead to more."

"So if I said yes to one time only I would only be kidding myself. It would happen again and again. So no, I still can't approve. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I respect your decision. Now I just need to make mine."

------

Tom and I couldn't have lunch due to scheduled meetings. He asked if I could do supper with him. He offered to cook for me. I suggested a restaurant would be safer because it was more public. He reluctantly agreed.

I called Harvey to let him know. He wished me luck.

"So finally we get to have dinner out."

"It's certainly different from the lunch room."

"So how is Harvey? Has he changed his mind at all?"

"We had a wonderful evening last night. It felt nice. We hadn't spoken that much for a long time. He asked whether a one time sexual encounter would be sufficient for me or would it just lead to more."

"Of course you said yes!"

"Actually I said no. I wouldn't be satisfied with a single event. It would lead to more and more. Harvey said that he couldn't approve."

"Fuck!"

That was the first time I had heard him swear. The first time I had seen him angry.

"I couldn't lie to him. Honestly, Tom would you be satisfied with a single encounter?"

"Of course not. Deb, I'm not going to mince words. I want to fuck you so bad. I know you want it. I know you need it as badly as I do. If I can't have you then I think we should stay away from each other."

"You're breaking up with me?"

"I guess that's what it is. Otherwise, it will drive us crazy."

"I have to go to the washroom. I'll be right back."

The washroom was empty. My heart was thudding in my chest. I touched up my makeup. Then the door opened and Tom stepped in.

"What are you do..."

He kissed me harder than I have ever been kissed. It was a hungry kiss. He grabbed my right breast and squeezed it. His other hand was on my crotch. I responded to the kiss because I really had no choice, he was that insistent. He turned me around and pushed me up against the counter. I stared into the mirror and saw the absolute desperate want in my face. I saw Tom behind me pulling up my skirt. He pulled my panties aside and I felt his cock up against me. I was wet and very well lubricated. He pushed against me trying to find the right angle. He missed and I felt the tip of his cock find my anus. I prayed he wouldn't try to fuck me there but he was trying. He pushed and pushed but it wouldn't work. He pushed so hard I finally shouted for him to stop!

He pulled back from me.

I pulled down my skirt and walked quickly out of the washroom. I got back to the table grabbed my jacket and walked out of the restaurant. All that before Tom came out of the washroom.