Devotia Ch. 15: Miracle

Miracle

It takes nearly a month and a half for Callie to finally give in to the pressure. Despite Knight-Captain Wellt's passive allowance for Calvin to try and see Callie anyway, neither of them are able to bring themselves to take the risk of being found out. As Calvin stops fulfilling the duty of pursuing blessings, the only times Callie gets to see him are rushed encounters in small moments at banquets.

But as she lays in bed this night, staring blankly at the wall to her bedroom, Callie can feel the lever finally shift inside of her. She tosses and turns alone, missing even the comfort of Junivere's presence. Across the villa, Callie knows that she and Silas are up talking, or cuddling, or fucking... and the knowledge becomes unbearable.

Recently, Callie has taken to drinking tea with Willow on the balcony most nights, welcoming the distraction. But, despite their polite friendship and evening companionship, Callie doesn't feel overly close with the priestess. They just don't have enough in common, she thinks at first; though later she quietly concludes that Willow reminds her too much of how she was when she first arrived.

Callie had spent the entirety of the evening with Willow, waiting until her exhaustion finally pushed her to bed. She hates leaving the priestess' company, knowing that her anxieties and desperations would consume her once she was alone, but she can only experience so many awkwardly long pauses.

Eventually, the tossing and turning is too much as well. Between hardly sleeping anymore, missing Calvin and Junivere, and tirelessly working with Magister Hamada to help the farmers, Callie finally caves. She sits up, lighting a candle and forcing herself out of bed.

In her wardrobe, she finds the spare plainclothes priestess outfit she uses when she doesn't want to be recognized. The simple tunic and trousers are easily disguised with a long cloak, and at nighttime, there would be even less recognition. Callie throws the clothes on and extinguishes the candle, waiting in the dark until her eyes fully adjust.

Despite never having the courage to try, Callie had already mapped out exactly how to leave the villa at night. On one of her first days, Velena had showed Callie a comfortable lookout point over the city, just off of a small road from the villa's courtyard. Callie learned that if you were careful of your footing, you could drop down onto a lower balcony and weave your way through the lower halls of the Sun District, eventually arriving at a side gate.

Once her eyes relax and her night vision improves, Callie quietly slips out of her room. She walks barefoot across the marble floors, appreciating the cool stone after the hot days out in the fields. She finds her way to the lookout, taking a deep breath and cautiously dropping her feet down below, gripping the railing above her to lower herself down. It's easier than she suspects, and soon she's gliding through the hallways, sticking to the shadows and ducking behind cover with every guard who strolls past.

At the side gates, she huffs quietly to see it is guarded. It's only a single, relaxed paladin, but it was still enough to ensure she couldn't slip by unnoticed. Callie sighs, throwing back her hood and striding forward, hoping she wasn't about to make a tremendous mistake.

"Hello, paladin... is that Tumult?" She asks gently, stepping into the light.

The paladin's armor clanks together loudly as he rouses, startled at the sudden noise. He draws his sword, steadying himself a moment later. She can see his eyes narrow, and he exhales, "Hal Devotia?"

"Indeed."

"What are you doing down here? It's late," he replies, softening his tone. He sounds confused and concerned, but is gentle enough. "Are you lost? Do you need help getting back-,"

"I'm alright, Paladin Tumult," she laughs politely, raising a hand to encourage him to relax. "I... I actually was hoping to exit through this gate."

"I'm not supposed to let anyone through. Even you, hal Devotia." He sits back in his small chair, set into a comfortable little alcove. "I'm sorry."

Callie leans back against the wall opposite to him, reclining nonchalantly. "I suspected as such." She sighs. "Are you a holy man, Tumult? Do you worship Suul?"

"I am," he nods, "And I do."

"This... this is a little embarrassing, Paladin," she begins, trying to force a somber tone into her voice. "I'm having a bit of a terrible night. Can't sleep, can't keep my mind at rest. Ever had a night like that?"

"I'm on the nightwatch," he smiles, "most nights are like that."

Callie giggles, smiling back for a moment before letting her affect fall more disheartened and wishful. "I was hoping to commune with Suul," she explains, "but she never speaks to me in the villa. I've never known why. I thought that maybe if I went down to the central cathedral, she might speak."

"I could call an escort, if you'd like, hal Devotia," Tumult's face softens with hers.

"Normally I'd accept," Callie sighs, shaking her head and hoping her acting wasn't too dense, "but last time she spoke to me... she kept repeating this message, over and over again. She said: 'only in the loneliness of dark will you see me.'" She scratches her head, hoping her lie was at least a little believable. "'Only in the loneliness of dark will you see me, and I will protect you.'"

"She's a mysterious one, she is," Tumult nods.

She reads him quickly, trying to decide how far she was willing to take this. The desperation inside her quickly wins out, so Callie decides to double down. "I... I even wonder if she wanted us to meet here, Tumult. I've got this feeling in my heart that she wants me to share a message with you."

"A message? For me?" Tumult sits forward intently. "What did she say?"

"Have you been praying about a loved one recently?" Callie ventures, carefully trying to read every tiny detail of his expression. He nods slowly, eyes widening a little. She closes her eyes, pausing for dramatic effect before continuing, "She wants to tell you not to relent. That she hears you and is pleased by your faithfulness."

Tumult takes a deep breath, letting the words wash over him for a brief moment. He seems moved, as though his hard work was actually paying off. Callie's stomach tightens with guilt just a little, hoping she hadn't just made a mistake.

"Just to the cathedral, hal Devotia?" He asks nervously.

"Just to the cathedral," she lies. "I may be there for an hour or two, but it will all depend on the will of Lady Suul."

"Suul guide you," Tumult nods slowly, standing and unlocking the gate for her. "I... I hope she speaks to you, too."

"Thank you, Paladin Tumult." She steps through, turning back at the threshold to quickly add, "And I'll let the Knight-Captain know how devoted you are when I see her next. I won't tell her about this," she raises a hand gently, comforting him, "but I'll make sure she knows your dedication."

"Thank you, hal Devotia."

Callie turns and disappears quickly into the night, strolling onto the streets of the dark city. There's a little bit of activity at night, though not nearly as much during the day. The main avenues are lit up with dim torches, and Callie decides the risk is worth it, raising her hood and walking in the safety of the light as she goes, thankful no one seems interested in bothering her.

Calvin's apartment is on the edge of the Center District, just a street over from where it meets the Rust District. Wide cobblestone streets separate the two-and-three story whitestone buildings that populate the Center District, far cleaner and more spacious than anything she had seen when she stayed at the Fleeting Fox. Callie carefully winds her way through the streets, eventually arriving at the base of the two-story building Calvin lives in, remembering his window was on the second floor. She finds a small pebble, timidly tossing it at the window where it bounces off with a soft thud.

She tosses two more and is searching for a fourth when the window finally throws open and Calvin's tired head sticks out. His eyes scan the street, and he groggily calls out, "If this is about another prank at the west gate, bother me about it in the morning." His voice is low and cranky, and it's clear he's just awoken.

"Just a friend come calling," Callie raises a gentle hand, waving it softly and smiling. She lowers her hood just enough to let him get a proper look at her.

"Ca-," he stops himself, lowering his voice and harshly whispering, "What are you doing!?"

"Just let me inside," she dismisses, striding towards the door.

After a few moments, she can hear the sound of a lock clicking and the door swings open to reveal a shirtless and confused Calvin. She hugs him sweetly as he appears, darting beside him and entering the home. He shuts the door behind her, furrowing his brow and crossing his arms after she pulls out of the hug.

"You shouldn't be here," he warns, "this could be so dangerous for yo-,"

"I don't care right now," she huffs, dropping her cloak unceremoniously and stepping closer to him. "I just need you," she exhales.

"Callie-Callie-Callie," he whispers quickly, carefully pushing her away. He sighs, holding her at arm's length with a hand on each shoulder. "Does anyone know you're here?"

"The paladin at the gate believes I'm at the central cathedral."

"Gods," he mutters, shaking his head in disbelief.

"It's good to see you too," she rolls her eyes, stepping back from him and ascending the narrow corridor of stairs that leads up into his apartment.

Calvin's apartment is simple, but comfortable. It's a small loft with wooden floors and walls and rafters, with a small stove in one corner and a wide bed in another. There's a few small tables and a single dresser, and two large racks for his armor, but otherwise it's sparse. He's hung up a few tapestries and banners from the Knighthood, as well as a few small plants potted beside a window. A bearskin rug runs the length of the main walkway.

"It's cute in here," she smiles, slowly turning and taking in the scene.

"We can't all live in luxury," Calvin replies quietly, arriving at the top of the stairs with a nervous expression.

"This is more like what I grew up with," Callie inhales, smelling the scent of wood and charcoal from his fire, lightly smoldering in the little iron stove. "I don't think I'll ever get used to the villa."

"Callie," he takes her hand, squeezing it firmly. "You shouldn't be here. I told you I'm not willing to risk you getting caught like this."

"And I told you that I'd be responsible for myself," she rebuts. She doesn't have the heart to argue more, so she drops her cloak and lightly sits down on the edge of his bed. "There's pranks happening at the West gate?"

Calvin holds his breath for a moment and she can see him flexing his muscles quietly to relieve his anxious tension. The little hairs on his chest dance slightly as he does, and Callie restrains her smile. "Nothing major," Calvin relents, "but it's enough of a nuisance that I have to hear about it now."

"You must be working so hard to stop them," Callie teases, undoing the top tie on her tunic. "Does the Knight-Commander require a Devotia's assistance to stop these ruffians?"

Callie notices Calvin take a quick glance at her chest as she pushes it out for him. His face turns ever so slightly pink as he looks, crossing his arms and leaning back against the support beam in the center of the room.

"I do miss my trips to the villa," he concedes. "I'm not sure I should even ask what it's like with Knight-Captain."

"Is it sexier if I do or don't tell you?" Callie smirks. He rolls his eyes and she simply says, "She's... it's very straightforward. Honestly not very exciting at all."

"I think that's enough information for me," Calvin shakes his head, though he smiles lightly. "Can we talk about you being here, now?'

Callie's enthusiasm drops. She sighs, relenting from her enticing pose and pulling her knees onto the bed with her. She slips off her shoes, wrapping her arms around her legs and curling into a tight ball.

"It's so lonely up there," she says quietly. "Before, I at least had you visiting and Junivere and it was fine for a while. But now she spends her nights with Silas and you can't come by. It's awful."

"What about the priestesses?"

"We get along but there's always this distance between us," Callie closes her eyes, pushing her body deeper into the firm mattress, feeling the soft blankets lightly caress her skin. "I'm always going to be their boss, as much as they tell me otherwise. Everyone treats me like there's this glass wall between us."

Calvin sits down onto the bed next to her, placing a compassionate hand on her arm and gently stroking it. She wishes he would wrap her into his arms fully, but he keeps his distance.

Callie continues, feeling a deep melancholy push its way into her voice. "It's nice to be desired as a Devotia. For once in my life I can be myself and people actually like me for it... but it all wears off after a while. I just wish I could come home to you and talk and laugh and cuddle and not have to worry about upsetting everyone around me. I can't take it anymore."

"Callie..." his fingers gently fondle her arm, absent-mindedly running across her skin. "I know it's a lot of pressure but I know you can handle it. If you do things like this... that could get you in trouble, people are going to use that against you."

"I don't care anymore," she mutters. "I don't care what they say about me."

"It sucks being in the center of attention," he coos, his voice soft and soothing, "but you told me early on that it was better than hiding. You were so scared and miserable when we first met, you hated hiding."

"I do," she agrees.

"Getting in trouble could get you excommunicated," he warns. "You'd have to leave all this behind, everything you'd built. It'd be a new badge of shame to wear. I know it's hard to handle, and the rules can get to you, but it's better than the alternative."

"I... I have a question but I'm scared you'll hate me for it," Callie tells him, hardly above a whisper. A pit of dread bubbles inside her stomach and she pulls her legs even tighter against her chest.

"I promise not to be upset."

She inhales and holds her breath for a long moment, puffing the air out between her cheeks. "Would you go with me? If I left?"

"My whole life is here, Callie," he replies, quiet and disappointed. "As tempting as it is, and it is tempting," he squeezes her shoulder affectionately, "I can't give that all up."

"Yeah," she nods slowly.

"That doesn't mean I don't want you," he adds quickly. "I do. I'd just rather find a way to make this work."

Callie rolls onto her back, lazily stretching out her arms to her full wingspan and letting her body melt into the bed. She looks up at him, seeing a face full of longing and sorrow, and feels her heart ache. She hates how unfair it is that Junivere gets to be with Silas... though another part of her is still worried about him.

"I'm guessing it'd be too much to ask the Imperium for an exemption for me, too, isn't it?" She muses. "There's no way they'd believe us if we said we were already married."

"Probably not," Calvin smiles. His hand lowers to Callie's head, gently stroking his fingers through her hair. "You don't have any secret marriages from Rookwell to call upon?"

"Thankfully not," Callie snorts. "I wasn't exactly well-liked back home."

"That's so difficult to believe," Calvin replies sweetly, his laugh lines stretching with his soft smile. "It's hard to imagine people not liking you."

"You're biased," she replies, letting out a puff of air.

Callie feels her nerves and frustrations and disappointments twist and rattle inside of herself, leaving this jittery, buzzing feeling under her skin. Tucking her hands back to her chest, she can feel them shaking timidly, restraining the desperate energy underneath. She'd already made the impulsive decision to leave the villa, what was the point of leaving empty-handed?

"Please," she begs, locking eyes with him.

"Callie..."

"I can learn more spells, find a way to bribe some of the guards, I could come see you once a week..." she takes a shallow breath, "At least this one time."

"Every second you stay here increases the chances I'll never get to see you again," Calvin rebuts. He leans down to hover over Callie, stroking a hand across her cheek. "I am willing to do anything required to prevent that from happening."

"So... to prevent the possibility of never seeing me again, you'll never see me again?" She scowls, voice low and accusing.

"There has to be another way than this."

"Then find it, Calvin!" She turns over, facing the wall in frustration. "I can't spend every night hating myself for wishing you were there."

Calvin is silent for a long moment.

"Please tell me you have an idea. Anything."

He doesn't reply.

"Anything."

She turns back to glare at him, resenting the vacant hopelessness drifting through his eyes. If he would just compromise, just accept the reality that this was their only option, she'd have something. But she can see it written clear across his face, he was never going to budge on this point. He's too trapped in the comparisons of his brother to try. Callie sits up, grabbing her cloak from the floor and wrapping it over her shoulders. She stands from the bed, glaring down at him with something close to scorn.

"I'm leaving," she announces.

"I'll think of something," Calvin promises, reaching for her hand.

Callie sighs. "Don't bother."

She turns and storms down the stairs, slamming the door to his apartment before he could say anything more. There was nothing to say. There was nothing to do. He could let her visit him or he could let her leave, and he clearly chose to let her leave.

The night is cool against her cheeks, wet with silent streaks of tears as she feels something inside of herself cave. She looks back at the door for a long moment, feeling her lips quiver at the realization she'd never cross the threshold of this home again.

It's over, she repeats to herself, over and over as the words boom through her mind and echo deep within her bones.

It's over, and nothing could change the inevitability of the outcome. Calvin was never going to be hers and it was time to finally accept that fact.

It's over, loneliness would once again become like a dear sister to her.

She feels numb inside, gripping the edges of her cloak tightly and pulling it against her skin. She wanders aimlessly, hardly caring to focus on where she was going or what anyone might think, listening to the soft clicking of her boots on the cobblestone echo across the streets.

It's over.

Callie has only known Calvin for a few months but it feels like she's putting down a dear part of herself - the part of herself that loved and could be loved, that felt alive at the touch of someone sweet, the one that told her she could hope for more than what had been. Rookwell, the feelings, once again becomes her reality. She'd survived there for so long, pushing away anything and everything that could bring light to her dark soul, and now it's time to return. Her home is more than just a place to live, it's a way for her to survive. Feel nothing. Be nothing. Desire nothing. Obey.

The aches behind the tears finally ambush her in an alleyway. She throws her back against the stone walls and lets them consume her, slowly sliding down until she's sitting on the dirty street below. She buries herself into her cloak, letting the tears and drool and snot flow freely while a feeling of constriction pulls her into a tighter and tighter ball. She wishes she could simply implode into herself, to disappear and never be seen again, leaving no trace behind.