Diagnosing a Fetish Ch. 07

Nobody is perfect, but in my overbearing desire to help you, I ignored obvious signs and did more damage than good. I know this message is long, and I don't know if you'll even read it, but I just wanted to tell you one last time that there is nothing wrong with you. You are an amazing person who is just going through a rough patch. Please do not continue to beat yourself up or berate yourself for liking what you do. I implore you to step outside of your comfort zone and take risks, and maybe one day you will learn to love yourself and everything you desire.

I hope this notebook can provide you with some minor solace and possibly help you move forward. For the mistakes I made, I am eternally sorry, and I promise that I will change. No one needs to suffer as you have.

Always at your care,

Krista

I re-read the page a few times, my mind in an internal struggle over its message. This entire book could have been written in a couple of hours, a cheap copy of the real thing that Dr. Morse could use as a tool to get me back. But, at the same time, it felt personal, it felt reel. Her message to me especially felt written from the heart, her words carrying significant weight. The only one who knows its authenticity was her, but that didn't change the effect it had on me.

My throat ached as I choked back tears. It was a weird feeling; I wasn't sad or angry, just remorseful, maybe, or guilty. She kept talking about the mistakes she made in her notes, but honestly, I couldn't think of any. Sure, her methods had been unorthodox and perhaps a little heavy-handed, but most of my anger towards her was from her past, from the thought that this was all a game to turn me into her sex slave. If what she had written was true, none of that had happened, at least not to the extent in which I believed. Regardless, it was never her intention with me.

Part of me wished I hadn't opened the notebook in the first place. It was easier to hate someone and condemn them than to forgive them. It was even harder to admit you were wrong. In my head, I was so desperate to find a real doctor, that I ignored the only doctor who was willing to help me. Not once had Dr. Morse called me crazy or over-emotional. Not once had she dismissed me as some horny woman who needed a husband. And yet, I called her every name under the book and blamed her for every poor decision I ever made over and over.

A heavy knock at the door to my apartment pulled me back to reality, but it didn't make the thoughts filling my head go away. I carefully tucked the notebook back under my mattress and made my way out of the bedroom, crossing the apartment while thinking about how wrong I had everything this entire time. If only I had listened to her when she asked me to, weeks of heartache may have been avoided.

"Mallory!"

I was immediately enveloped in a tight embrace when I opened my apartment's door, Kat's arm wrapping around my body and pulling me into a hug. She was warm, and a comforting break from the mental spiral I was currently experiencing.

"I was working and didn't see your message until just now. I'm sorry it didn't go well."

"It's OK," I pulled myself away, "I just got home not that long ago."

"What happened?" Kat asked, leading me by the hand to my living room.

"I don't know, same thing as usual," I slumped onto my couch, Kat sitting beside me and resting a hand on my leg. Honestly, I wanted to move on from the failed attempt at finding a new doctor, especially after reading Dr. Morse's notebook added a new side to the story, but I knew Kat wouldn't give up easily. "He didn't want to listen to me and dismissed my problems. Called me emotional and said I need a new boyfriend or husband."

"I'm sorry," she wrapped her arm around my shoulder and pulled my head into her chest, holding me as she rubbed my back, "Don't listen to anything he said; it's a bunch of bullshit. We should report him; he deserves to lose his job or get a pay cut at the very least."

"There's no point; it's my word against his. Besides, based on my experience most people in the medical field are going to side with him." Most, I thought, my mind going back to Dr. Morse.

"We can still try."

"I think I'd rather just move on and forget about him. He also gave me a new prescription," I suddenly remembered, "So maybe that will help."

"Speaking of, I'll pay for the drugs and the appointment for you. I was the one who found Dr. Hodge, so it's only fair."

"Don't worry about it."

"Mallory, you have no money. You haven't worked for months now."

The reminder stung a little. "I have some money saved up, it's fine."

"You need that for rent and groceries," Kat retorted, "I'm not going to argue with you anymore; it was my idea so I'm paying for it. For now, I'm going to order us food and we are going to relax. Pizza OK with you?"

"You don't need-" I was cut off by Kat holding a finger in front of my face, "Fine, order us a pizza."

"Good," Kat grabbed her phone, "Pick out a movie while I call."

I didn't have the heart to tell her that I had canceled all my streaming service subscriptions soon after I quit, so I dug through my pile of old DVDs and picked the one that was the least terrible of the bunch. It was just some sci-fi drivel, but I thought a mindless movie might be good for me right now. Sliding it into the DVD player, I took a seat back on the couch and was soon joined once again by Kat. "How's your work going?" I asked, trying to avoid an awkward silence.

"Fine."

"Anything exciting happening?"

Kat turned to look at me with a questioning expression, "You don't want to hear about that, it's really boring."

"We always talk about me and my problems, I think it's only fair that you get to vent too. I mean, we spend so much time together and I don't know that much about what you do."

"I've been working on transferring all of our computers over to a new network system," Kat sighed, "It's been a little annoying because some of the computers are older and their operating systems are conflicting with the new network for some reason. I keep having to go to the different buildings in the area for manual setups despite the job being remote," she pinched the bridge of her nose, "And then the stupid employees mess with their computers to 'speed them up' but they really just end up undoing all my work."

The look on my face must have displayed what I was thinking more than I assumed, Kat immediately scoffed upon looking at me. "Don't say I didn't warn you," she propped her feet up on the edge of my coffee table.

"I just thought, you know, software engineer, like you designed... software."

"I mean, I do, just nothing flashy. Most of my work is behind-the-scenes stuff that makes sure everything is running smoothly. I'm not making new apps or anything."

"So just the boring stuff." Kat kicked me, acting as if she was annoyed, but the small grin on her face gave away her true feelings. However, I decided to just let the moment end and followed Kat's suit, reclining on the sofa and silently watching the movie. When the pizza arrived ten or so minutes later, we talked a little more, but just about life in general, and even then, it was pretty inconsequential.

I don't know when it happened, but at some point, I must have fallen asleep as I found myself being gently shaken awake. The apartment was now dark except for the light coming from the TV, the movie having ended, and returned to the main menu. "Hgh," I let out a quiet groan, realizing that it was Kat who woke me up. She was kneeling on the ground beside the couch, her face a few inches from mine.

"Hey," she whispered, "Sorry to wake you up, but I just wanted to let you know that I was heading back to my apartment, so you didn't worry about where I was when you woke up. I have to go in early tomorrow, so I want to use my bed to make sure I get enough sleep."

I'm not sure what caused it - perhaps my delirious, sleep-ridden state - but my body moved almost by itself, my hand holding the side of Kat's face as my mouth pressed against hers. Her lips were so smooth and her skin softer than I could have imagined, my thumb just able to make out her peach fuzz as it gently stroked her cheek. Soon her hand mirrored mine, brushing the hair away from my closed eyes before cupping the side of my face.

I could feel her warmth in front of me, her breath short and hot when we finally separated. My heart was pounding in my chest and, afraid to learn that this wasn't real I slowly peeled my eyes open. However, Kat was still there, her shadowed face difficult to read. Unsure what else to do, I wrapped my arm around her back, pulling her head over my shoulder and squeezing her tight. "Thank you," I whispered in her ear, but she didn't reply.

Instead, she grabbed the blanket that was resting on the top of the couch and laid it over my body, taking extra care to tuck in the edges. She gave a quick head nod before leaning forward and planting a kiss on my forehead. "Goodnight Mallory," she whispered before quietly walking out of my apartment, the light from the hallway blinding me briefly and covering her exit.

~`~`~`~`~`~

"I'm sorry, the receptionist - Tiffany -said you were on your lunch break."

I could tell that Dr. Morse was not notified of my arrival, the woman's face a mix of confusion and shock as she looked up from her food upon my arrival. I had come in early this morning after a couple of days spent trying to figure out if this was a good idea or not. Since I didn't have an appointment, I got a few more hours to think after the receptions let me know that Dr. Morse was booked all day and I could only talk to her briefly during her break. Now, seeing her reaction, I wasn't sure if I made the best choice.

"Mallory?"

My sudden gusto and confidence deflated as she said my name. Her eyes stayed locked on me, following my body as I crept into the office and stood in front of her desk, my hands ringing together as my nerves got the better of me. "Hello," I choked out, "If you're busy let me know and I'll leave. This is rude, me interrupting you like this without an appointment."

"N-No, it's OK," she stuttered, "I just never expected to see you here again. To be honest, I never expected to hear from you again."

"Um, yeah. Me either to be honest."

"Why are you here then?"

Digging through my bag, I slid out the black notebook I had tucked in there before leaving my apartment and set it on her desk. "Is this real?"

"I'm sorry?"

"The stuff you wrote in there, is it real? Is this actually what you wrote during our meetings? Like, you didn't just write this stuff after, did you?"

Dr. Morse hesitated, her hand briefly hovering over the book before she slid it towards herself and flicked through the pages. "Of course it's real," she finally said, handing the book back to me, "I wouldn't fabricate something like this."

"You can keep it," I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"So, you just came here to return my notebook?"

"No, I-" I paused, unsure if I was truly ready for this, "There are a few reasons, I guess."

"You can take a seat if you want," she motioned to the chair in front of her, "I don't have a lot of time before my next patient comes in, but I can squeeze you in. Only if you want to."

Weighing out my options, I decided this was the best one and sank into the plush cushion. "First, I wanted to apologize. I kind of treated you like shit even though you were just trying to help me."

"Apology accepted."

The way in which she said it, so matter of fact, to be honest it annoyed me a little. I had blindly trusted stories from people I barely knew and, as a result, mistreated this woman who only had good intentions. "No, I mean it. I- I shouldn't have handled things the way I did. I shouldn't have said the things I did."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me," Dr. Morse reassured me, "You were - are - struggling with some serious things. When those girls at RAE told you about my past, I can understand why you were immediately upset and wanted to avoid me at all costs. Then when we met at RAE and I confirmed some of what they said, I'm sure it didn't help. And, if we are really doing this," she let out a sigh, "I think I should tell you the whole truth."

My stomach dropped, "What do you mean?"

"I didn't tell you this then for several reasons, some legal and some for your own well-being, but I don't want to lie to you anymore; It is clear that it does more harm than good. What we talked about was true, on occasion, I would hook up with patients - with their consent - and we would engage in fetish play as a means of exploration and acceptance. However, the reason I left my job initially is when it got serious with one of the women I was treating. She saw some videos on the internet about girls... enjoying what we do, and came to me looking for a cure, much like you did."

It was odd, I could see a sudden shift in her demeanor, a sadness in her eyes. It wasn't a side of Dr. Morse I had seen before, and I didn't know how to feel about it. I thought I had seen her sad during the weeks I was avoiding her, but that must have been guilt or regret, or something else. This, however, was a deep, longing sadness.

"She was a practicing Christian, raised in a religious household all her life. So, when she started to feel things after watching these videos, it was understandable she looked for help. Of course, prayers and church services and whatever else came first, but eventually she turned to me as a last resort."

"Why did that make you quit?"

"Well, she was around my age at the time, and we connected almost immediately. It was a lot of work, to be honest, a lot of convincing her that the way in which she was raised wasn't healthy. I'm not against any religion, but her family were extremists. They wouldn't let her use the internet, she couldn't close her bedroom door, couldn't show too much skin, that kind of thing. I connected with all my patients, but she was different. After a while, we both started falling for each other and eventually started dating."

"And?"

"And it was great, for a bit. But then - I forget how specifically - someone from her insane family found her and learned about me. Within a week I was facing legal threats and she was forced back into her religion where they brainwashed her into believing I was the devil. It made me quit. Not the legal stuff as much, but because I was angry, I gave up on the idea that people can change. I had spent over a year healing this woman I cared deeply about only for it to be reversed in a few days and for me to never be able to see her again. And that's the whole truth."

"I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize, it is not your fault. Besides, it is in the past now. The silver lining of that experience is that I have learned to not get involved personally with patients, despite it not always appearing that way," she looked at me, her face indicating that she was going to add something before deciding against it.

"Right, silver linings," I shifted nervously in my seat. I still wasn't at the point where I could so easily let what I did go, and I felt Dr. Morse wasn't either, but I didn't want to push it further.

"If you don't mind me asking," she paused, "I know you said you came to apologize, but why did you really come here? The last time we spoke, you made it clear that you never wanted to see me again."

"A few days ago, I went to see another doctor. He, um... he reminded me a lot of Dr. Litvak I guess you could say. You know, dismissive. That in combination with what I read in your notebook, it made me realize that you were one of the only people who listened to me."

"Did he give you any advice?"

I shook my head, "Just to get find a new husband as soon as possible. He also gave me a new prescription."

"Do you remember what for?"

"Not exactly, no. He just said I'd be notified when the pharmacy had it available for me to pick up. I haven't gotten it yet, but can't you just check my files? It should be on there, right?"

"I don't have access to your files; I'm no longer your doctor."

"Right," I tried to avoid eye contact at the reminder, "I think it was called prazin? Prasosin? Something like that?"

"Prazosin?"

"Maybe."

Dr. Morse scowled, "And you haven't taken any yet? Good. I don't know who this doctor is, but that would be far from my first choice of medication for you. It acts as a suppressant, similar to alcohol which, given your track record, is not the best choice. It is also highly addictive and has numerous severe side effects."

I was a little surprised at the seeming severity of the medication's effects although, given it was at the recommendation of Dr. Hodge, I guess I should have tempered my expectations.

"Regardless, I'm happy to talk to you again, if you want."

"I also kissed Kat and... I guess I don't know how I feel about it, and I needed someone to talk to about it." The words all came out of my mouth at once, my self-composure lost as I finally got a chance to get this weight off my chest. "That was another reason I came today," I added.

"She's your neighbor, right?" I nodded. "How did she react?"

"I don't know. This wasn't the first time it happened. When I went on my bender a month ago, I also kissed her, but just on the forehead, I think. It's hard to remember."

"And this time?"

"On the lips," I replied meekly.

"Were you drunk?"

"No, I- I was sober. I've stopped drinking like you recommended." I noticed the subtlest hint of a smile at the corners of her mouth.

"Back to my previous question, how did she react? Did she say anything?"

"She didn't say anything at the time or after. It was only a couple of days ago though, and she left my apartment right after it happened. I haven't seen her much since because she's been busy at work."

"So, you think she didn't like it?

"I don't know, I wouldn't say she was inactive during the kiss. Like, she was reciprocating it. I don't even know she is interested in women," I suddenly realized, "I don't even know if I'm into women."

"Why would you say that? You kissed her, didn't you? What do you think the meaning was behind it? If it was on the lips, I'd assume it isn't the type of kiss you'd give to a family member, so could it be something more?"

"Because it was in the heat of the moment. She was really close to me, and I felt happy that she was taking care of me. It's not like we're dating or anything, so I don't know if it can be considered romantic if that's what you're getting at."

"Did you like it?" she changed the subject.

"I... It felt good," I could feel my face become hot as I blushed, "I don't know how else to describe it."

"Dr. Morse?" a sudden voice came from the door, a nurse peaking her head in through the crack.

"Shit," Dr. Morse looked at her watch quickly before turning her attention back to me, "Sorry Mallory, I have another patient scheduled now. Maybe you can come back another time and we can continue talking. It doesn't have to be formal if you don't want it to be; we can just do something like we did today."

"What if-" I paused, "Are you available to start doing sessions again with me?"

"Are-Are you sure?"

"Yes, I think so."

"OK, but I promise to be more professional. I am going to keep our meetings to strictly discussions and me giving you advice."

"Actually," I scrunched my eyes shut, nervous I would come to regret my next words, "I want it like before. What you did, your methods to help me heal, I think they were working. If I'm being honest, I only wanted them to stop because I thought you were using them to trick me or something. If... If that's not the case, I think... they might help me."