Diddie 01

Diddie 01

Here's the thing about shopping for clothes in Hillsdale early in the evening on a Saturday, you buy too much, you buy things that you really shouldn't wear outside of the privacy of your house and then your eyes get big and end up driving home in something that is too revealing for an early Saturday evening. And so does your friend, who in my case was Nick, only he rode home with me as his questionable character, Nina Jaye (who could stand to lose a little around the middle, but who am I to judge, right?).

As for me, Diddie, I had absolutely no business even making the short walk from the clothing store exit doors to my truck in such tiny shorts and in such a tiny shirt, but Nina Jaye and I didn't really have any plans to walk around after our shopping trip anyways, so, well, so whatever, I guess.

"Damn it, Diddie, I'm too much around the middle to wear this dress, especially now that I see it while I'm sitting down."

"Ahh, you look fine and I've told you, follow that Onyx T-Girl on Chang. He's about the same as you and he has figured out how to pose, well, he looks good in his selfies, right Nina Jaye?"

"Hah, says the toothpick, who by the way, is one small scoot in the driver's seat away from showing his toothpick."

Well, you have to talk about something as you drive home with your friend, right? And I guess your passenger just has to gaze out of the window as he tries desperately to figure out his best posture in a sitting position without showing his "getting" plump belly.

"Your problem is at the "Stop & Rob" convenience store, Diddie. I just saw his truck pull around to the side of the building."

"Mickey? He's not my "problem", Nina Jaye, he was just my "issue" a couple of weeks ago over at Dana's mixer, so keep thing straight."

"Well, from the way you have told the story over and over and over and over since Dana's mixer, he sounds like your "problem" to me, but what do I know when I bought a dress that highlights like belly bulge like an inflatable balloon."

"But your legs, Nina Jaye, it highlights your legs too."

"Yeah, it says "thick" like nothing else that I wear. Anyways, are we going to stop into the convenience store and stir up trouble, Diddie?"

"Oh no, there is no way in hell that I'm pulling into the store's parking lot right now, especially dressed in such tiny clothes. I mean, I had an "issue" with Mickey and then I got out of that "issue" and I know when to quit, so I'm dead on-track to your apartment, Nina Jaye. And just why do you have an extra bulge going on in the middle of that skin tight dress anyways?"

"Well, I don't get too many "issues" and I like how you talk about your "issues", that's all, Diddie."

I mean, it's also best to quit while you're ahead, right? Eyes forward and dead ahead was my choice that Saturday evening.

But here's the thing about the "Stop & Rob" convenience store, about half of the people squeal their wheels escaping from the robbery they just pulled off, but for me that day, I squealed my wheels making the late turn and slid into the parking lot basically sideways.

"Hi."

"Oh, geez, what do you want, pip squeak?"

"Oh, nothing much Mickey, I just saw you over here loading up all those bags of ice in the back of your truck and I thought I'd stop by and say "hey", so "hey", Mickey."

"Fine, hey, Diddie, now beat it unless you have anything else to say and by the way, I don't need to hear whatever else you have to say, so bye, now. I mean, ice starts to melt as soon as you pull it out of the big shiny locked box, you know."

"OK, Mickey, but I actually thought that you might have something to say to me. You know, something like do you ignore me because I dress and look like a girl or maybe something like how you ignore me because I dress like a girl and you secretly like it or you know, maybe something like how you wish you could make out with me and get away it from your friends? I mean, macho reps, right?"

"Diddie, is choice D how you're about to get a gut punch?"

"Oh, I hope not Mickey, but, LOL, boy, what a way to get me to bend over right in front of you, right Mickey?"

"Are we done now, Diddie? I have bags of ice to deliver."

"OK, it was nice to see you today, Mickey. So, kiss me good bye or no???? I can stand on my tippy toes, Mickey."

"NO, I mean, we're done now, right?"

I mean, you just stand there on hold, right? Batting those baby blues, right?

"(Mwah, smooch, smack, smack)."

"Harder, Mickey. Make it like we may never kiss again."

"(Bitch) umm, umm, yum, ow, ow, ow, num, ug, ug, ga, ag, ag, ye, uh, umm, um, yum."

"LOL, you lifted me off my feet, Mickey. I liked that."

"Shut it and let me be, Diddie."

"(You lifted me off my feet, so it's a tie, Mickey, mwah, bye, now.)"

Ahh, the things that happen on the side of the "Stop & Rob" convenience store, right? I mean, the guy should have parked in the front of the store if he didn't want to be called out for thinking things about my body, right? But I gave Mickey like nine points for scooping me up off my feet like that, so that made our pervious "issue" a tie.

"Diddie, I could see both of your throats moving from all that tongue tagging and all slut, but if he ever wants a two for one "issue" sale, well, just keep me in mind."

"And you were supposed to look away and give us our privacy, Nina Jaye. Besides, I just wanted to pay him back for all those liberties he took with me at Dana's mixer."

"Yeah, well, nobody is taking any liberties with me, so not looking away is my sex. I mean, we're going to follow him, right? Those bags of ice are going somewhere."

Oh no, following Mickey would just have been creepy. Besides, I owed Mickey a pay back and I think I delivered my pay back, so it's always best to quit when it's a tie, right?

"LOL, of course we're following him, but just as regular spies and not creepy spies. And sit like a lady, will you?"

"Well, spy movies always get me all worked up and stuff anyways. And stop texting and driving, damn it, it's dangerous. I mean, tell me who you're texting and what you're saying, but stop it and watch the road."

"Oh, you know, just the standard follow-up stuff. I'm just letting Mickey know that I pressed against his boner on purpose and that it's still a tie, that's all."

"Well, if that's the standard follow-up stuff, then I guess I should just give it all up right now and holy snap, he's pulling into Barry's house (pant, pant, pant)!"

Oh, no, no, no, there was no way that I was going to follow Mickey that far! I wanted to tease him back for feeling me up, but pulling into Barry's house was going to mean a sex "issues", LOL, for Nina Jaye! LOL, Barry likes a little meat on the bone and all or you know, so we've heard before. So, just as when leaving the "Stop & Rob" convenience store, it was eyes forward and on the road towards Nina Jaye's apartment.

"No, I'm not parking there, Nina Jaye. I mean, what if we need to make a quick get away? That spot looks like a capture zone and all, so."

"Then just park anywhere and I'll run up to the door and see what's all the ice is about then. I mean, it looks like Mickey has backed his truck around to the side of the house or something."

"Well, be quick about it, Nina Jaye because I'm not leaving the safety of my truck."

I mean, there was no way that I was getting out of the safety of my truck. Besides, if Barry wanted us as guests to his bag of ice party, he would have invited us. I mean, I casually stepped out of my truck for a moment, but only because I wanted to see what the hell Mickey was doing with his truck on the side of Barry's house and all. I mean, he could have been injured for all I knew, right?

"Don't get excited, Mickey, I'm considering everything still as a tie, so."

"Where's your faggot side kick?"

"Nina Jaye was going to ask Barry about the bag of ice party at the front door, so he's probably on his knees by now with his shiny dress pushed up by his thunder thighs, so."

"Well, I need to open this side gate and back my truck up to the pole barn and get all of the bags of ice into a barrel pronto, Diddie."

"Then I guess I'm riding shotgun for, well, for about 14 seconds then."

I mean, at least I was still in the safety of someone's truck, right? And oh, so there was some sort of keg party going on later then, huh? I mean, I don't drink a lot, but I know the size of a keg barrel and there's only one reason to place the ice "still in the bags" into a barrel, right? A keg was a coming.

"Lift me off my feet again, Mickey. Higher Mickey. Higher Mickey. Higher Mickey, it's OK. Ooh, ooh, OK, um, wow, that's the spot, Mickey."

"Yum, umm, umm, yum, num, ug, ug, ga, ow, ow, ow, ag, ag, ga, ga, ga, uh, uh, umm, um, yum."

"Bounce me, Mickey, bounce me like you wished I hadn't worn Denim today, Mickey."

"Hump, grind, grind, ugh, ugh, um, um, grind, hump, bump, bump, grind, bounce, ow, ow, ow ag, ug, ooh, umm, umm, yum, num, ug, ug, ga, ag, ag."

"Um, um, um, Mickey, Mickey, if you lose a load, Mickey, it's still a tie, Mickey, ooh, ooh, ag, ag, ag."

Beep, beep, beep!

"Fuck, Ken's here with the keg!"

"Mwah, mwah, mwah, that was great, Mickey, I liked it and everything is still a tie, Mickey. Um, you should probably let me down before Ken sees us like this."

"Well, you should probably unlock your legs from around my waist then, Diddie."

"Oops, sorry, I'm new to all this, mwah. Um, wash your hands after you and Ken man handle the keg into the barrel and maybe I'll still be inside trying to pry Barry and Nina Jaye apart, mwah."

"Wait, Diddie, um?"

"LOL, the thing about having a tie is that there is always a way to break the tie later. LOL, wipe my lip gloss from yourself, Mickey and you know, beat your chest in front of Ken and chew a few nails and trash talk the soft one, LOL."

"Yeah, but, you're delightfully squishy soft, Diddie."

Huh? Squishy soft could go so many ways, right? But at least he threw in that "delightfully" word, right?

"Hi, Ken, um, don't mind me, you know, I was just looking for a mirror and all. I mean, you know me, always checking that my lip gloss is on point and that all of my delightfully squishy soft parts are safely tucked away and all, so."

"Well, go find a mirror in Barry's house where he keeps his mirrors and call my sister, Vicki. She worries about your fem, well, she worries about you, that's all. And pull the legs of your shorts down, Diddie! It looks like you've been riding a horse and all, so."

Well, I didn't find a mirror in the pole barn, but I learned how it feels to be bounced on a pole, which was my biggest sexual encounter to date, but I still didn't know what the damn keg party was all about either.

And by the way, huh, Barry's back door looked like the standard rear door from countless horror movies, so there was no way in hell that I was going to open it and step inside.

"Ah, woo-hoo, hello, it's me, Diddie and I'm covering my eyes, so hello? Barry? I have my eyes covered and I'm not moving another step into the kitchen area until someone responds! Hello? I'm inside of the house and all, so?????"

Clothes shuffling, pull, silky dress push, straighten, zip, shuffle, scoot, wiggle, zip, zip.

"Oh, hey, Diddie, so, um, what's up? I mean, Nina Jaye is just in the bathroom, um, and um, using the bathroom and all, so."

Front door opens and slams shut.

"I mean, Nina Jaye just ran out to your truck, so, um, what's up, Diddie?"

"Well, I'm just going to give Nina Jaye a moment to compose himself in my truck, so, um, Barry, can I peek inside your bedroom quickly so I can judge you even more?"

"Oh, so the 10pm to 11pm Floral Shop parking lot girly boy tease is judging me, huh?"

"Well, of course I am, faggot. But listen, I mingle, I mean, I mingle some at Club de la Concrete. Oh snap, um, are those car parts on the floor of your bedroom, Barry?"

"Hey, every self-respecting motorhead has a pair of V6 block heads on their bedroom floor, so. Are we done now, Diddie?"

"Well, Barry, um, Barry, um what if I wanted or needed a (condom)? I mean, just what if and all, so."

"I mean, you know that they're not for protecting your finger nail polish while you polish your toe nails, right Diddie? And you can say the word out loud these days, tease."

"Well, I do know that, but it seems to me that they would work for that when you're out of latex gloves and all, so. And I'm not just a tease, so stop saying that. I mingle and I mingle outside of the safety of my truck and I keep things as a tie and all, so."

"Whatever, Diddie, um, I have a kegger to prep for and I already spent too much time fagging on your friend, so I don't have time left to discuss your 23 seconds of a love life, so here, here is a condom. I keep them in an old oil can, but this one is fresh from the box because I just fagged Nina Jay's fat ass."

"Barry, your trophy faggot butt sex conquest has been noted. Anyways, so, if you keep your condoms in an old oil can, then it's lubricated, right Barry? And by the way, my love life has broken the 60 seconds mark now, Barry. I've been bounced, Barry, bounced I say! Now, whisper in my ear what you are and I'll be on my way because I know I'm holding you up from prepping for your untitled kegger."

"(Oh, oh, Diddie, I'm such a fag for fat man butt, Diddie, such a fag for it)."

Well, I'm judging Barry 13 ways from Saturday, but I was happy to hear that I wasn't his type, so. I also judged Mickey a little because he did enter Barry's house before I left, but Ken was right on his heels and all, so I was out. After one last quick swing into the bathroom where he went to wash his hands, just like I had suggested earlier.

"I mean, have fun tonight and all, Mickey."

"I'm going to make a mess, Diddie."

"From the way I'm waving good bye, Mickey? I'm just trying to even things out a little. I mean, your balls started to boil in the store's parking lot and then they definitely boiled when you made me your personal hand job tool in the pole barn and I just want to leave things as a tie."

"Ugh, ugh, ow, ow, ow, damn it, ooh, OK, OK, OK, ooh, ooh, I need a nap, ooh."

Huh? I guess I never thought about how much effort it takes to shake a guy and aim that guy at the same time. I mean, it was a complete failure. I mean, not for Mickey and all, but for Barry's bathroom. I think, I mean, I basically ran out to my truck where Nina Jaye was still composing himself.

"Well Nina Jaye, I guess your dry spell is over then, right?"

"Oh, it's over alright and there was nothing dry about it. I mean, certain parts of me smell like motor oil and I still don't know what the damn kegger is for."

I mean, I hated to liter, but the condom that Barry handed me went right out of the window as soon as Nina Jaye mentioned that his butt smelled of motor oil. I mean, I didn't know much about dry or lubricated condoms, but I knew enough that they should reek of used motor oil. I mean, not even from a big motorhead like Barry, right?

"Well, Diddie, are we crashing their kegger later or not?"

"Um, I don't think so, Nina Jaye. I mean, you clearly need to soak in a bathtub filled with grease cutting dish detergent and we didn't even get a hint that we were invited and even I know enough to not over step, so. I mean, I might be a motorhead kegger or a girl-boy mixer and I think we've done enough damage for one evening and all, so.

"(Giggle) I like taking bubble baths, Diddie."

"Hmmm, is there room for Mr. Sam Silicone, LOL?"

"Hey, I didn't invent male silicone sex dolls, so. I mean, if I had invented them, I would have figured out how to make them work on their own and all, so."

I mean, Sam Silicone is right there in Nina Jaye's bathroom Linen closet and all, so he's hard to miss. I mean, I don't much about him or how he does or doesn't work and the worse I ever did was to shake his hand once when I opened the linen closet door, but that was because, I mean, he just pops out when you open the closet door and all, so.

Anyways, the point is that our evening was done and I didn't leave until I heard his bathtub filling with hot water. And nope, I had no interest in witnessing any of that. I stood near the front door so I could hear the water running and the squeaky sounds of man handling a silicone man.

I mean, of course, I drove by Barry's place on my home, but just for one last chance to figure out what kind of kegger was in process. And yep, it was a motorhead party, which I wasn't going to crash based on how I was still dressed. I mean, I left the store in Hillsdale just this side of being arrested.

So, you know, that's why texting was invented.

"Out front if you got nerve."

"Tie breaker????"

"Will mouth pussy do?"

"Tease?"

"Well, probably, OK?"

I mean, all I wanted to do was to finish off the evening with a bang. Not a bang like Nina Jaye took from Barry, but it just seemed like the ball was still rolling with Mickey and I, so. Also, huh, Mickey needed so much less incentive to engage with me once he showed up at my truck and swung my truck door open. I mean, he just smashed our mouths together, LOL, pronto!

"Yum, umm, umm, yum, num, ug, ug, ga, ow, ow, ow, ag, ag, ga, ga, ga, uh, uh, umm, um, yum."

"Fine, you win this one Mickey with all your kissing."

"Yum, umm, umm, yum, num, ug, ug, ga, ow, ow, ow, ag, ag, ga, ga, ga, uh, uh, umm, um, yum."

I mean, damn, Mickey was not only winning, he was taking control and before I knew, he had me sliding down towards the little bar step just under my truck door. And then he really won!

"Gag, gag, cough, spit, spit, gag, ugh, ugh, cough, ooh, oh. Um, ugh, I thought our thing was for you to lift me up Mickey, not push me down like that, I mean, geez, you know that thing is like a weapon, right (cough)?"

"Well, you started it and all, Diddie, so."

"Oops, you started it Dana's when you slightly lifted (spit, gag, cough) me out of the way of the beer cooler and then placed me back and then you pulled me forward into you, (cough), so."

"Oh, I remember things a little different, Diddie, I mean, I remember you purposely stepping in my way so that I had to lift you by your hips and move you out of my way, so."

"Well, so sue me Mickey for not knowing much (cough, spit) about how to properly start a mingling conversation. Anyways, I'm not complaining, I'm (cough) just bitching, but now what Mickey? Are you just going to dump me or continue to mingle with me on the side?"

"Oh, um, I wouldn't mind if we kept things at a tie on the side for a while. I mean, you know we can't date and all, right Diddie?"

Well, that question is a statement and that statement is the mission statement on Chang Tranny, so. But the byline allows for a little wiggle room too.

"Well, no bad mouthing or trash-talking me then, right Mickey? And "lifting" should still be our thing. I mean, behind the scenes and behind the grocery store and all, but I want to have a 'thing" and that's my mission statement and all, so."

Well, here's the thing about mission statements. They have to be perfectly clear. I mean, what I meant by "lifting" was the way he made out with me, which Mickey was very good at, but I wasn't exactly clear about that, so within another ten minutes, oh, oh boy, Mickey had me lifted off my feet alright, but with my shorts off and his pants down and we were behind a big oak tree!

And here's the thing about that, LOL, I didn't think it would work, but Mickey made it work and I was somewhere in between his flesh light toy and his hip rolling partner, who quickly figured out how to whisper sweet nothings towards his ear, which weren't sweet nothings as much as "what just happened here" questions.

And here's another about all that. I mean, a couple of motorhead party attendees walked right past us as Mickey was shaking with the tree with me and at best, their reaction was to let out a couple of quiet "chirps" or something.