Dilemma

The reason we were in Austin was to announce our wedding and to personally invite my folks. To say I'd fought the trip was another of those wonderful examples of understatement I seem to be making. I didn't fall on the carpet crying and kicking my feet ... but I did think about it.

I suppose no matter what happens, we always want, need our parent's approval. I didn't give a damn what my parents thought of my decision to divorce Lorelei, but it was vitally important to me that they approve of Cindy. We weren't going to have a big wedding, but it would be in the church, and I wanted them there.

As I waited, in the lobby, for Cindy to finish doing whatever "freshen up" means, I was as tightly wound as I've ever been. The flight to Austin had been brutal. We left Philly at 6:30 on Delta and after a plane change, in Cincinnati of all places, we'd arrived in Austin at 10:50, only 15 minutes late. Naturally our plane had selected the very last gate at Bergstrom Airport and we had to walk 14 miles to the baggage area and car rental. I had tried to get Cindy to ride in one of the courtesy carts, but she refused.

By the time we battled the traffic and construction on I-35 it was close to noon. I've been told by lifelong residents, that, with the exception of a few months here and there, I-35 has been under constant construction since it was built in 1965. I don't know if that was true, but it's been under construction my whole life. Between the construction and Texas drivers (did I ever drive that fast?) I arrived a bit frazzled. Our lunch meeting was set for 1:00 at La Margarita, a half mile or so down the frontage road from our hotel, and some of the best Mexican food in the area. But I was worried we might be late. OK, I was a little nervous about how this meeting was going to go.

Frankly, being late didn't bother me. Hell, I didn't want to go at all. I especially didn't want Cindy to meet her future in-laws when she was wrung out from the trip. Cindy, of course, was her usual serene self. Oh, she might have been a tad nervous -- she did banished me from our room because she said I was hovering over her. That was a vile slander; I was at least a foot or two from her ... most of the time.

When she breezed into the lobby, she took my breath away. It wasn't just her beauty, I suppose most wouldn't judge her quite as beautiful as Lorelei, but she had this aura of ... I don't know how to explain it. She was like a shaft of pure light on an overcast day. Or maybe she was a rainbow after a hurricane. She made you want to smile because you just knew that God was in his heaven and all was now right with the world ... no matter the horrors that had preceded her.

It could have been that because she looked, no, was so confident, my worries seemed petty somehow. Whatever it was, I held my arm out to her like you see in the old movies and I, I don't know any other word other than escorted, I escorted her to the car.

The Dell Computer lunch crowd was thinning out as we arrived at the restaurant, and I was able to find a parking place. As soon as I opened the door the aroma of good Mexican food hit me like the sound of a chuck wagon bell. You'd think that with all the Mexican immigrants you'd be able to find a decent Mexican restaurant most anywhere, but I've never been able to find one outside of the border states. I'll admit that you can find acceptable Mexican in California, but it does not compare to Tex-Mex. They say that smell evokes stronger memories than any other sense, and I can testify that the smell at La Margarita reminded me that my last meal had been uneaten on the plane!

My folks were already waiting in the little ante room as we entered. I stiffened when I saw them, but Cindy flowed out of my arms to embrace first dad then mom. Anyone watching would have thought we'd been married for years and ate together at least weekly. I felt a weakness in my chest at that easy acceptance. As Mom opened her arms for me my eyes remembered that Central Texas is the allergy capital of the world. Her hug was fierce, and she seemed to have the same onset of allergies I was having. She didn't release me when Dad approached and as I took his proffered hand I noticed through blurred eyes that the allergies clearly ran in the family. In addition to watery eyes, I think his nose was running. I know mine was.

I don't know why women always carry tissues in their purse, but Cindy had them out and we were all using them and still hadn't said hello. When I did speak, my allergies made my throat hoarse. Disentangling from mom's death grip, I took Cindy's hand and said, "Mom, Dad, this is Cindy, she wanted to meet you before we got married. ..."

Cindy interrupted me and in saying how glad she was to meet them, and all our allergies seemed to get better. Like I said, one of Cindy's gifts was putting people at ease. I don't know how she did it, but as we took our table the talk flowed as naturally as if we did this all the time.

I think lunch was wonderful. The food there always is, but I don't even remember ordering, much less what I ate. Cindy was oil on the troubled waters of our relationship and by the time lunch was over no one wanted to part. Cindy suggested that Dad show her some of the sites of Austin, and we were off in their car to see the wonders of the State Capital and the LBJ library. We saw the French Legation and the Bob Bullock Texas History Museum. I hadn't been to the last one, and if you're in Austin, you have to go see the Texas Spirit Theater! It's wonderful, and a pleasant surprise, at least to Cindy and me.

By the time we were finished, I could tell that Cindy had exhausted her reserves and I had them take us back to our car. Before we got there Cindy was asleep on my shoulder and I could see the look of concern in my father's eyes as he glanced back at us in the rearview mirror. Mom actually turned around and mouthed "Is she OK?" I nodded and Cindy stirred and awoke. We were just getting off the expressway and she saw the Fuddrucker's that's across the expressway from our hotel.

She nodded gently to acknowledge that she'd fallen asleep but with more enthusiasm that I thought she had said,

"Chris is always talking about Texas Bar-B-Q and Fuddruckers's hamburgers. He even threatened to drive up to Bethlehem to get one. Could we meet you for dinner there tonight? I do need to take a little nap, but say in two hours?"

Mom dropped seamlessly into Mom mode, "Sweetheart, are you sure you're up to that? It's been a full day and are you supposed to eat something like a hamburger?"

Cindy smiled, and I braced myself for one of her few soapbox stands. "I love beef, and it's good for you. I get so tired of the food police. The largest study ever done by the National Institute of Health, a federal agency, found no linkage in consumption of fat and lower cholesterol. In fact the only linkage the found was that for heart patients who started a low-fat diet, they increased their risk of a new heart attack. The real concern about high-fat diets isn't the fat it's the calories. I do have to watch my weight very carefully, but a hamburger now and then won't bother me."

My dad had recently bought a small ranch out in the hill country, that means it was about 320 acres and the nearest place to buy milk was a 20-minute drive. It also meant that he frequently wore shirts that said things like "Vegetarian - Native American word for bad hunter."

I had to help Cindy back to our room, and I sat at the little desk while she slept, just making sure she didn't stop breathing. I know it was silly, she was much stronger than before the transplant, but she could also over do. When she did, she'd collapse like a top that stops spinning.

I'm not sure how the topic came up at dinner, but suddenly we were talking WEDDING. I don't know what it is about women and weddings, but Cindy made a friend for life when she asked Mom to help with all the planning, including an invitation to come to Philly to help her shop for her dress. Then to make it worse, she surprised me with the news that her best friend from seminary was now the chaplain at hospital here and suggested that she consider having her wedding at the chapel at Southwestern University, a Methodist school. She asked Mom if perhaps they could go look at it tomorrow. Since this was the first I'd heard of it, I blurted, "What about all your friends in Philly?"

With a loving look, and gentle pat on my arm she said, "That's the problem. If we hold the wedding in Philly, there's no way to have a small one. Ever since we announced we were getting married I've been buried in shower invitations and you know how many feelings will be hurt if they don't get invited.

"I thought about getting married in Roaring Springs, but Trinity Methodist, my home church, is still too close to Philly, and it's too small for the numbers I'd have to invite. If we got married down here ... well, how I could explain to anyone who might have their feelings hurt that we didn't invite anyone from PA except family.

"I know it would place a real burden on you, but ..."

Mom didn't let her finish, "Why of course I'd be delighted to help, but I know you have your own ideas about what you want. ..."

"My idea would be a little wedding in the church in the wildwood, but since most of the people who would be coming would be your friends and family, I really would feel better if you'd use your judgment about what would work here."

If there'd been any doubt that Mom would love Cindy, a willingness to partner in her wedding dispelled it. There was only one rough spot that whole trip, we'd agreed to come to dinner at home and Mom fixed all my favorites. We were taking our ease in the living room with coffee. Mom and Cindy were talking about wine and an open bar at the wedding reception. Mom had been surprised to learn that Cindy drank wine and mixed drinks too. My family had always enjoyed wine at dinner and Dad loved a beer in the evening. Then Mom blurted, "Of course I had to give it all up when I got pregnant, But I didn't miss it, I loved being pregnant. You'll see it's the most wonderful ... what?"

Suddenly the elephant was in the middle of the living room. "Mom, Cindy can't get pregnant. Her heart could probably take it but the drugs would be a danger to the baby."

There is some controversy about transplant patients having babies. After reading some of the studies, I'd thought it might be possible, and I got all excited. Then I began to study the actual numbers and we agreed that Cindy would have her tubes tied. The highest risk wasn't actually to the mother, but the effect of all the drugs on the baby. We both knew that we'd never expose a child to those sorts of risks.

After a short pause Cindy continued, "I want Chris' babies so badly I cry when he can't see me. We met in a fertility clinic, but right now it doesn't look good. We keep hoping my sister will agree to carry our babies, but, at her age, I can't really blame her."

Cindy's voice was wavering before she finished, and I was holding my temper by the tiniest of threads. I glared at my father and he had that "Oh my God what do I do now look." I turned to my mother and she had tears in her eyes when she blurted, "I had to have a hysterectomy right after Chris was born, a full one..."

I'd never known that, I'd wondered why I was an only child; Mom loved kids and only having one never made sense to me. My anger evaporated as quickly as it had flared and now I was at a loss for words too.

As always Cindy had the prefect recovery. "We'll just have to trust God that his will, will be done and I can't believe he won't provide a way."

** ** ** ** ** Chapter 6

I don't know whose will it was, but we were married two months later in the Southwestern Chapel, a Gothic oddity in the middle of Central Texas in Georgetown. The wedding was perfect, everyone cried, every one danced and only a few of my old friends got drunk. Although people made an effort not to let me hear Lorelei's name, I heard people talk about her several times, and it had no effect at all! It was a GREAT day.

The night was even better ... if I'd ever had any reservation about ministers and sex, I certainly lost it when Cindy showed me a unique use for her "flying fickled finger of fate."

We bought a house in one of the older subdivisions near Hatboro, and settled down into domestic tranquility. Does that sound dull? It was heaven. Cindy knew how to have fun. You've heard the expression "When Momma ain't happy, ain't no one happy?" Well when Cindy had fun, everyone had fun. I tried to analyze it, but it was just a gift, a gift of Joy.

Cindy went into Philadelphia on Tuesdays and Thursdays to teach two classes at Lutheran. She served as a rotating chaplain at a couple of hospitals and filled in for sick or vacationing ministers on Sundays. I was doing pretty well in sales. I was doing incredibly well in sales and if Cindy had had any other sort of job I would have insisted she stay home.

Life changed on our first anniversary. It was such a little thing to be so life changing. We didn't have a party, we went off to a little country inn and barely left our room. It might not be listed with the other fruits of love in the Bible, but Cindy taught me that good sex was a gift of love. It was when we got home that we found our gift from Sandy. It was nothing much, just an appointment card for the fertility clinic!

I don't know how much you know about in vitro, but it is a miracle. The day I'd met Cindy she'd had her ovum harvested. At that time it was a minor outpatient surgery, although new techniques with ultra-sound make it even easier ... and reduce the need for fertility drugs.

Without getting too technical, the ovum and about 75,000 certified active swimmers are combined in the lab and the child is implanted about three days later. The process of doing all this is hideously expensive and typically you have several ovum prepared at the same time because the implanting process is fairly straight forward. In our case, we ended up with four embryos. Two of those were implanted in Sandy but in three cases out of four, only one survives.

From a personal standpoint, my part was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life, not that I wouldn't go through it a million times for our kids. Cindy had already "done her bit," but I had to go into a little room, by myself, to "provide a sample." We'd had to abstain for five days before hand -- I can't believe I used that word -- to insure a viable sample. I suppose that made it easier, but knowing that everyone was outside waiting for me to "take care of business," was not the way I'd ever thought about creating children.

We were also there when the babies were implanted in Sandy, and her husband, Jim, was not. I'm not sure that was the right move, but it also might have been the smartest thing to do. I'd never given much thought to what it would be like to have your wife carrying not only another man's child, but her sister's egg. Jim is a good guy, actually that's too faint praise, Jim is a great guy, but he didn't want me around Sandy while she was pregnant. Cindy on the other hand practically lived there. She made sure she was there to help Sandy with her morning sickness and later to rub her back.

After the twins were born, Jim talked to me about how hard it was to try to keep from getting attached to the babies. He wasn't successful and it was worse for Sandy. I think there's a Bible passage that asks, "Can a mother forget the child in her womb?" I didn't realize until later what an act of unselfish love Sandy, Jim and their children provided.

I wasn't in the delivery room with Sandy; I was in the waiting room with Jim. Cindy was with her sister when she gave birth to our daughter, Sandy (#823 on the Social Security list of most common names) Grace (#14), and our son, James (#18) Kylan (#824) and held both of them before her sister did.

Now everyone knows that newborn is not the most attractive age for children ... but I'm not putting any hair on my story when I say both of ours were beautiful! I don't mean that they were just good looking newborns, they were gorgeous. When the nurse placed them in my arms I trembled at what I was holding. I don't mean I was a little nervous, I mean that Cindy practically snatched them out of my arms because I was shaking so hard.

Flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone and they were so small, so helpless, and so beautiful they took my breath away. I know my heart was scared and incomplete, but no one has ever loved anyone as fully as I loved those two. Move a mountain with a spoon to give them a safe place to play? What would you like me to do after coffee break? I wanted to rush out and make the world a better place and I wanted to sit right there and marvel at the perfection of those children.

Look, I know that men are supposed to make a big deal about not changing diapers, especially the dirty ones. I can't say I enjoyed it, but I never minded. Having watched some of what was done to create those two wonderfully miracles, I ... I don't know, the word awesome is so last week, but I am in awe of the process.

I will say that if there is an upside to not having your wife carry your children it's that Cindy was never as tired as most mother's of newborns are. It's a matter of small degree, no mother of newborns has a more than an ounce or two of excess energy, but an ounce of Cindy's energy is enough to power half of Philadelphia. Okay perhaps only the residential areas, but it was enough to let her continue my education in the bedroom. How a woman can be so wanton and so loving at the same time is ... well, it's one of those things that makes Cindy so special.

** ** ** ** **

Chapter 7

The next two years sort of evaporated. I never knew life could be so full. Cindy might have been a minister, but even with two babies at home she was anything but stodgy. Her energy and joy made each new day a wonder. Oh, and who would ever have thought a guy like me could learn to have so much fun at church parties?

Cindy loved being at home with the twins, but still found time to do a fair amount of writing. She also loved to fill in on Sundays for ministers who, for one reason or another, couldn't be in their pulpit. Cindy, bless her, didn't recycle sermons, and it was inspirational to listen to her preach. I also didn't mind the tradition that the visiting minister was always taken to lunch at the best restaurant in the area. It wasn't much in the way of pay, but it did introduce us to some great places to eat.

It's odd, I'd gotten a promotion to area technical sales manager, with great pay, so I traveled some and ate out all the time, but even though I loved Cindy's cooking, I also loved to eat out with her. I think part of it was that she was just so interesting. As I've said, I'm a pretty smart guy, but Cindy just dazzled me.

She studied scripture in the original Greek, Latin and Hebrew. She read all the great philosophers, and corresponded with many of the current leaders. Yet when we'd go out to lunch with folks who never finished high school, she could make her points in ways they understood.

I admit that I was a little bit of an intellectual snob, but being around the various church folks cured me. It didn't take a sheepskin to make someone smart and life experience teaches more than I got in any classroom.

I don't want to give the impression that life was perfect, it wasn't. There were several clouds, "no bigger than a man's hand in our life." The first was that, it was rare to come home without finding several cars in our driveway. Cindy loved people and there were always people "just dropping by."

I did a slow burn for a year or so then I blew up. Cindy's response was typical, "Why didn't you say something? I'll take care of it." I don't know how she did it, she continued to collect friends like kids collect stains, but it was never a problem after that.