Dipper Ch. 01

Dipper 01

Personally, I like the rumor mill system because I've always used them as a progress report going back as far as I can remember. And even though it seems like the rumor mill system rarely generates the good stuff, they are a great way to keep your name on everybody's lips and in their thoughts and with careful handling, rumors can work in one's favor.

Hey there, I'm Dipper, I'm approaching 21, I'm just your size and I grew up in the southeast corner of Middleton, which is the farming corner of the city and I would rather stay quiet about squelching any crazy rumors that highlight me and my lifestyle, but I'm not opposed to jazzing up any of the lighter rumors either, so, with me, LOL, you're never exactly sure what you're getting.

But what's not a rumor is how I think I just figured out why I've never been in a meaningful relationship, I guess. But at least people talk about me.

So, let's look at a couple of before and after examples, shall we, hmm?

Since I grew up in the farming area, I had easy access to many of the farms, so it's a fact that I spent many summers munching my way through the berry farms. And since it's so hot around these parts, it's a fact that shorts and a t-shirt are the normal, but, tee he, it's just a rumor that Mrs. Pinkerton from the Pinkerton berry farm once cornered me and scolded me for trying to save the world's Denim shortage problem by wearing teeny, teeny, teeny tiny shorts in her strawberry fields. LOL, she scolded me for wearing just teeny tiny shorts as I grazed through her U Pick strawberry patches.

[The farmers wife is breathing with purpose]

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Dipper again, the reason that I had to extend the lunch break hours for the berry farm hand helpers! Dipper, is it your personal mission to save the world's supply of Denim by wearing such teeny tiny shorts, hmm? I can see half of your lower honey melons when you bent over to apply your strawberry lip gloss by pucker kiss eating a strawberry, for Pete's sakes, Dipper!"

Oh, my early days of strawberry shaded and flavored lip gloss is the truth.

"(Giggles) good afternoon, Mrs. Pinkerton and I can finally see half of your upper honey melons as you breathe and heave in and out and I'm wondering why I haven't seen this before? Have you been taking breathing lessons because this is different, so?"

[The farmers wife is breathing with gusto now]

"Shut it, Dipper and um, um, run around the back of the farmhouse and say "hey" to Pa so, so, um, well, just go say "hey" to Pa on the back porch so that I can get some afternoon delight and then shut it! And, and, and, no more than saying "hey" and for the other Pete's sakes, lose the damn banana in your back pocket!"

And the Pinkerton's are none of my business, so, it's not a rumor that I figured out that a perfectly ripe strawberry has the perfect shape to split a pair of pucker lips, but it is a rumor that I would slowly raise the strawberry to my puckered lips and slowly press and pull back a few times, but I'll challenge you to try that at home and then try to tell me that it doesn't represent!

[Grip, press, suck, release, press, split puckered lips, suck, release and repeat until the hired farm hand helpers pass out]

See? The shape is perfect and so much better than a banana! Try it. Or ask your girlfriend for a demo.

Oh, but it is a rumor that I once used a couple of toothpicks to attach a ripe strawberry to the end of a banana, but it's a fact that you should not try that at home because it can be ouch, ouch dangerous! But I swear it, it represents. Or rumor would have it anyways.

Another rumor is more of a half and half situation. I'm not a yoga expert by any means, but I had an occasional issue at nighty night time with my legs and then I happened upon a yoga type muscle stretching solution online for fatigue and this one you can actually try at home because all it does is stretch your leg and thigh muscles out in a different way than normal daily activity does. Just lay flat on your back and place the bottom of your feet together and pull forward to create a diamond and then slowly, but surely, keep pulling your feet up towards your crotch and pass through the diamond shape and then into a triangle shape and then into a crashed triangle shape and hold as long as you can or feel comfortable with and repeat a few times. That's the truth. The rumor is that I gave Jason personalized instructions, which I actually did, but I did not then massage his inner thighs as he held the crashed triangle. I mean, I totally did that, but my hands did not graze where they shouldn't have grazed and I swear it, my massaging hands stayed center thigh!

LOL, it is so not a rumor that guys can launch off with just proximity massaging. It's also so not a rumor that the real thing is so much more alive and vibrant than a strawberry tooth picked to the end of a banana! I mean, it was all "bounce, throb, swing, bounce, argh, throb, throb, aha, aha, massage harder, argh, bounce, bounce, swing, sway, please, flip, flop, OMG, we've come this far, boing, boing, boing, OMG, OMG, Dipper, the strawberry rumors are true, aha, aha, aha, ooh, ooh, ahh, ahh" and stuff, right?

Well, I'm telling you, you can call it a mushroom all day, but it still splits a set of puckered and pursed lips like a pyramid shaped strawberry and that's a fact.

Anyways, enough of the silliness that is generated from the rumor mills for now since I haven't properly described myself yet. I may do my part to save the world's Denim supply from time to time, but mostly in public, I keep things neat and tidy. I love my warmup suits because I love fashion that perfectly matches and I love how underneath things can be a totally different world and I love how some people have been rumored to place bets on just how "night & day" I might be on any given night out. But we all know that most regular people won't challenge a trans person in public just to win a bet, right? Which actually works in my favor because it's no rumor that some guys sweat more then others, so, I mean, maybe it's true that I often tease about what may or may not be revealed with just a few zips of a few zippers.

Not that I'm claiming to just be a tease, but it's hard to resist a pair of lips that are quivering, right? It's like the starting gun of a track meet!

Or the kickoff of Middleton's Scavenger Hunt as sponsored by who else other than Mrs. Bentley.

[Clink, clink, clink go the scavenger hunt kickoff Champagne glasses]

"(Hic) you all have your first scavenger hunt clue envelope and (hic), there are 14 more clue envelopes strategically placed around our fine city of Middleton (hic) and we, the scavenger hunt committee (hic), have 15 bottles of Champagne to finish off under the Festival Pavilion (hic), so, good luck and go!"

I mean, it's been rumored that the city of Middleton's various committee's dreams up stuff to keep the Champagne flowing, but there are citizen activities, so it's not a huge problem. Well, it's not as huge of a problem as the tipsy Mrs. Bentley is huge up top, so, whatever.

"(Giggles)"

[The scavenger hunters start to disburse, but the crowd seems to stop in their tracks while reading the first clue because the scavenger hunters expected GPS coordinates for their phones instead of poorly written riddles]

"Excuse me, what did you just say to me, Taylor? I mean, what? What words just came of the mouth of the guy who signed my yearbook "strawberry lips forever" with fancy little artwork, hmm?"

"Dipper, I just asked you if you would help me decipher the first clue since you spent so many of your days in the hallways slapping, clapping and snapping back at the rumors with such witty and rhythmic flare about it, that's all, so, are you going to help me or what?"

[Huh, some of the other scavenger hunters have noticed the warmup suit leaning into Taylor's SUV window and rumor has it that some think that's the real prize]

"Well, wait one more time, Taylor because who are you and what did you do with the Taylor who once dipped my dark pigtails in red paint when I dozed off for a minute in art class, hmm? What happened to the prankster guy from back in the day, hmm?"

"Oh, you mean the red tips in your hair that rumors had it that it was the start of your next fashion and hair statements, Dipper, huh? You mean the red tips in your hair that put you in the limelight for our Strawberry Fields themed prom, huh?"

Well, being in the limelight at our Strawberry Fields prom was completely rumors. I mean, that was two years ago, but as I remember it, a handful of guys kept trying to back walk me into the dimmer lights. And since George didn't have the nerve to leak any details or he was ashamed, that info never ever surfaced at all, which means it never made the rumor mill system, the end.

"(Damn, Taylor is getting help from Dipper! That's Dipper? Oh, that's Dipper all grown up alright! Well, roll down your window and say something! Like what, hey there, hey, Dipper?" Duh!)"

Hmm. Later.

"I mean, Taylor, this clue isn't even a clue! Mrs. Bentley might as well have printed the GPS coordinates on this piece of paper instead of wasting ink on this ridiculously easy scavenger hunt clue!"

"Oh, I mean, I mean, I mean, meh, I knew that, Dipper, but I was just doubling checking and all because, because, because, oh, because the tires on my SUV are starting to wear down and I'm trying to keep my mileage to a minimum until I get into the Tire Shop on the Strip, that's all, so, aren't you warm all zipped up tight like that in your track jacket, hmm?

Oh, rumor has it that the stickers on new tires survive a couple of hours before shredding off, so.

And staying zipped up in our heat has its challenges.

"Taylor, stop with the "drop a zipper" babbling since we both know that I'm not for you. But listen, LOL, the GPS coordinates for the first poorly worded clue are..."

I mean, I'm not old enough to have ever saw that old wooden barn owl carving as bright white, but you could tell that in its day, it stood bright white in the center of the ranch entry archway.

"Are my old stomping grounds, Taylor. "Who was I when I was brighter and who owns me as they faded from red?", which leads you scavenger hunters directly to the Pinkerton farm. Well, it leads directly to the entrance archway anyways, since the Pinkerton farm entrance archway has a wooden woot-woot barn owl in the center of it and it used to be white! A bright white Barn Owl. Anyways, just head south down the Strip to my old stomping and learning grounds, Taylor and my best guess is that one of the side archway pillar thingamabobs will have the next clue stapled to it or something, so?"

[Did Taylor seriously just attempt to push Dipper's jacket zipper down?]

"Taylor, are you listening to me, hmm?"

"(SOB, Taylor is luring Dipper into his SUV! Damn it, Hank, honk your horn! And then what, Mark? Let everyone here know we want a piece of that, huh? Oh, great, Hank, now you bring logic into this? We can back hand flip fluff it off as rumor! No way, Mark, that Dipper has a habit of coming out on top in the rumor mill system and we'll get tagged as fags!)"

Hmm. Maybe not later.

"Oh, um, yeah, I'm listening, Dipper, I mean, the Pinkerton farm, um, the U Pick strawberry farm, tee he, right, Dipper?"

"Ha, ha! But yea, that's the place, so?"

"Get in, Dipper!"

"No, Taylor, I'm not your type!"

[Zip down, zip down, hmm]

"Stop, Taylor and get to the Pinkerton farm for your scavenger hunt clue thing and tell Mrs. Pinkerton that I'll come around and say "hey" to Pa soon if she pops a boob out for you, so, be gone or something before something happens that we'll both regret later."

LOL, the rumor about the power of a farm grown boob is true.

"What's up, faggots? Having a hard time figuring out for first scavenger hunt clue or what, hmm?"

"Dipper, I mean, we mean, I mean, we mean, I mean, we mean, um, we want turns with you, so?"

Um, was that a legit pickup line, folks? Or just nervous horny talk?

"Well then, Hank, who could resist an offer like that then because rumor has it that babbling horny talk works 5% of time, right? Anyways, what's your stupid and poorly structure clue and then while I'm deciphering it, you come up with a better pickup line to get me into your SUV, okay?"

"(Tee he, we got this Boi bitch now, Hank! Our clue is impossible!)"

[Hands off the seemingly impossible scavenger hunt clue to trick sex out of Strawberry Fields, I mean, Dipper]

"Hmm, oh, "I see you much more than you see me, but follow the glowing and flameless fire pathway and it will lead thee to my gateway to come see me" then hmm? That's easy, that's Madam Murielle's fortune telling lair with the metal gates, right next to the Lava Java Coffee shop half way up the Strip, so?"

"Ugh, get in my SUV with us, Dipper!"

"No, Hank and no, Mark, so?"

"Ugh, you can compare us, Dipper!"

[Huh, his lips started quivering]

"Oh, oh, that's tempting, Hank, but since you were my crush going back as far as, um, as far back as way back, there is no way in hell that I will allow for a rumor that I went the way of a 3-way with my secret boyfriend and his best bud, so?"

I mean, Hank has always been pretty cool with me. But once I saw his lips start to quiver, I mean, circle back above somewhere because I already said that's what I do.

"Damn it, Dipper, you made Hank pass out from hearing you say that! Also, is that at all true because I'll wear a blindfold and shut my mouth forever!"

"Hmm, it's half and half true, Mark. Hank has always had the corner of my eye and I often wondered what his pyramid strawberry might look like or how it might fit between my puckered..."

Well, Mark passed out too before I could even finish that sentence.

"(Beep, beep) are you finished playing with the boys now, Dipper, huh?"

"Oh, hey there, Rodger, I mean, well, yeah, what's up? Need a little quippy help with your scavenger hunt clue or something? And I just now realized that I like the word quippy, so?"

[Wait a minute! Dipper turns down two vehicles, but just gets into Rodger's pickup truck?]

"Um, I'm pulling away from the festival grounds parking lot then, Dipper, so?"

"And I'm in your side seat and going where your truck goes, so, am I removing my warmup jacket then as your side seat rider, Rodger? Rumor has always had it that you looked at me in the locker room before, especially I always looked back over my shoulder at you, so?"

[Zip, zip, sleeve pull, zip, sleeve pull, huh, this is new from Dipper, zip, over the shoulders and off!]

"Oh, absolutely to keep it clean because I'm looking forward to the strawberry girlfriend experience tonight, Dipper because rumor has it that you can be overwhelmed with too much strawberry seeds, if the strawberry rumors are true, that is, so?"

"Well then, Rodger, I mean, I mean, I mean, say the "strawberry girlfriend experience" one more time and I mean, I mean, I mean, you'll find out if my strawberry boyfriend rumors are true because I'm officially seduced!"

Well, when I start a new rumor, I'll state that Rodger said "strawberry girlfriend experience" again as he pulled into the alley of the Strip anyways, so.

"[Wheeze, wheeze] Dipper [wheeze], Dipper, I'm not complaining because [wheeze] I can't breathe and it worked anyways [wheeze], but don't you suck and [wheeze] swallow the rest of the stem [wheeze]?"

Well, read back anywhere you want to and my story is that I let pyramid shaped strawberries split my puckered lips and that's all. Besides, you heard Rodger, it still worked [gulp].

"[Gulp, swallow] well, if you can't breathe, Rodger, why are you already going all "boing, boing, throb, throb, boing" again so soon, hmm?"

[Boing, throb, boing, throb, bong, throb]

"[Wheeze] I guess you missed that rumor then [wheeze], Dipper because it's no rumor that I'm known for [wheeze] bouncing back quick [wheeze], so?"

Well, if it's known, then it can't be a rumor, am I right? And since it's definitely a rumor that people can have sex in the back cab area of a pickup truck and since the dweeb faggots passed out and missed their opportunity with Madam Murielle and since we were basically parked in the alley right behind Madam Murielle's fortune telling lair, I mean, I share well, so.

[Madam Murielle's Fortune Telling Lair gates chime jingle, jangle]

"I have foreseen it! You come bearing gifts for Madam Murielle! Enter, my pretty little victim, enter because I have foreseen it as I foresee all, mwahahaha!"

"LOL, did Mrs. Bentley drunk text you, Madam Murielle, hmm?"

"Well, yeah, I mean, that woman and her Champagne, right? Anyways, that woman promised me two men, I mean, fortune seekers, not a prissy missy and his, his, his ooh la, la, boyfriend, so, as I have just foreseen it, enter and feel free to take the slightest of tugs at my robes!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Madam Murielle, let's not tug at anything just yet!"

[Um, Dipper, you tugged anyways! And it worked!]

"Madam Murielle, respect, but I have foreseen that my boyfriend isn't finished yet and my strawberry girlfriend experience has it's limits, so, um, I should visit the Lava Java Coffee Shop next for????"

"(Psst, Dipper, are you really for real?)"

"(Psst, Rodger, let the rumor mill know that I share!)"

"Ahh, I see it, my little Dipper in the sky, I foresee."

[Gives Rodger the once over, like three times]

"I foresee at least 30 minutes, maybe more, mwahahaha!"

"(Psst, Rodger, is 30 minutes two more bounce backs?)"

"(Psst, oh, so you have heard the rumors then. Also, I'm marrying you, Dipper!) Madam Murielle, is it then huh? I really like your two crystal balls since that robe dropped like a rock and um, Dipper???"

Oh, I mean, I wasn't staring at Madam's Murielle's full crystal globes! And I had never had to share before so, I wasn't sure when the exit code was until my boyfriend said "um, Dipper?" as he fondled Madam's Murielle's fortune tellers.

[Madam Murielle's Fortune Telling Lair gates chime jingle, jangle in exiting reverse]

"(Beep, beep)"

"You look stranded, especially since everyone else is on the hunt."

"Oh, and what are you on the hunt for then, Hector, hmm?"

"I mean, I'm the hunt for a little something, something like everyone else, but I'm tossing that back to you, Dipper because technically, you're only half dressed from your normal and either you're on the hunt for an experience or you're on the hunt for your warmup jacket, so, my side seat is open."

[Muffled voices from Madam Murielle's lair shop, OMG, I never fore saw all this coming, Rodger Poo, but I definitely see your foreskin stretching back tight again baby and that only means one thing, there is more good fortune in my foreseeable future! Come and get after it again, Rodger, mwahahaha!]"

I mean, I looked left and then I looked right and then I alternated looking back and forth some more and then I bit my lip and then, whew, at least I was rescued.

[Someone side slips in just in front of Hector's sedan, beep, beep]

"Hey, Dipper, still think I'm just a nerd? Or did I just graduate to nerd with a running car, huh?"

[It's a running leap almost through the open window with a near perfect landing, yay!]

"Tee he, you're near naked, Dipper, tee he."

[Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom]

"Like the old days in the berry fields, tee he."

Yep, Ethan is still a nerd. But a nerd with a running engine car!

[Zip, zip, zip, push, push, wiggle, wiggle, push, whip, toss warmup pants into the backseat]

"Better, Ethan? Or is this too much of too little, hmm? I'm just trying to solve the world's Denim shortage problems, that's all, so?"

[Cartoon eyes over the best solution to the world's Denim shortage problems]

"Bah, bah, bah, I can't drive passed out, Dipper!"