Directing Lust

"Well, that rehearsal was..." I couldn't finish my thoughts without hurting his feelings. My student director, Donovan, threw his director's notebook on the table and sat down, defeated, on the couch.

"What am I going to do? The show opens in two weeks."

"That's still plenty of time. And there's a lot of good things going on."

I sat for a moment, thinking over the rehearsal, wanting to make him feel better about the show. It was his first time directing, and while he was doing really well, there were certain things that were just not coming together. Specifically, the love scene. I had been hesitant to let him direct that section, but he had wanted the challenge, and when we talked through it, he had some great ideas, so I figured it was a good learning experience. Besides, if it completely fell apart, I was there to fix it. I wasn't going to let the show be an embarrassment, even for the sake of learning.

"Well, the opening and closing are really tight, and I think all the scene transitions are smooth. They've just gotten off book, so the acting has dropped, but that will come back. We've still got time." I looked at him on the couch, and realized for the first time how really good looking he was. Tall, brown hair, brown eyes--a boy next door kind of thing. He had only been in my program for a year, but he had come so far, and had become one of my most talented actors. And, over the past month, I'd seen his innate talent for directing. With the exception of this one scene, he had been very successful with creating his vision on the stage, and our two styles were merging into each other very well. The show was shaping up to be a contest winner, and I was glad to share it with him. He and I had gotten close over the past month, sharing many conversations about not only the show, but everything else, including the difficulties with his dad, and some minor health problems I had been having. Although he was still my student, we had become more peers than teacher/student, a line I was very aware of, and was careful not to cross.

"Thank you," he said, sighing deeply, "that means a lot. But if the love scene doesn't come together, the whole show will fall apart. I can't get those two to show any chemistry, ever. It's been a month and they almost cringe when they hold hands. They start to laugh every time they get close to each other when we try to rehearse the scene. I don't know what else to do."

"Honestly, Donovan, there is only so much you can do. They've got to move past the awkwardness and embrace the fact that these are characters, and the characters are in love, not them. They are actors, and this is what actors do."

"Have I really done all I can? There has to be more I can do to help them. They're my actors. Maybe you should take over this scene?"

"No, I don't think that's a good idea. With scenes like that, the actors have to trust their director, each other, and themselves. Bringing in someone else will only make them more awkward. Let's talk about this. What have you done in the private rehearsals with them?"

He stood up and started to pace. "We talked about their comfort levels, what each was willing to do. They both told me they were okay with kissing, touching and simulated sex. They did not want any nudity. We also established safe words so if during rehearsals, they felt uncomfortable, they could stop at any time. They've kissed in private rehearsals, and they've sort of touched each other, but it's always really awkward, and they generally laugh all the way through it, and it looks terrible. There is no chemistry! I've even told them we can reblock it and do some different things with lighting if they can't get past it, but they assure me they'll be fine. At this point, I don't believe it."

I went to the couch and sat, and gestured for him to sit down next to me. "Donovan, come here, let's talk about this. Maybe you haven't told them what you want, so they don't really know what to do? What is their personal experience?"

He sat down next to me, looking defeated. "I've told them that it's lust driven by pain. They know they can't be together ever again, and it would be better if they never were, but they can't help themselves. And what does their personal experience have to do with that?"

"Well, sometimes, everything. Remember how in class we talked about method acting and that often, an actor has to find something in their own life to use to create a character. In my personal experience, lust and heartbreak are often hard to 'imagine'. If you've never had your heart broken, it can be hard to realistically play that pain. Lust is very animalistic, and again, if it's personally never been experienced, I think it's an emotion that is also hard to fake. So, in that case, as the director, you have to show them how to physically demonstrate those feelings, which will then lead to more reality and chemistry."

Donovan sunk further into the couch. "Well, then, there's the problem," he said, burying his head in his hands."

"What do you mean?" I reached out and touched his arm, and a little shiver ran through me. This was not the first time I'd ever touched him. I'd helped him with costume changes before, done his make up, and had even hugged him a few times, but I had never experienced a shiver. It was odd, but also thrilling. I quickly pulled my hand away--this was that line that I wasn't supposed to cross.

"Well, I've never had either of those. You know the two girls I've dated. Neither lasted very long, and while they weren't good break ups, I wouldn't call them heartbreaking. And as for lust... " He looked very uncomfortable and sat up, moving away from me.

"It's okay. You can tell me." I put my hand on his arm again, and the shiver repeated itself. This time, I didn't pull away.

"Well, I'm not sure I know what lust is. I mean, the two girls I dated, I wanted them, but it wasn't all encompassing. Isn't that what lust is?"

I swallowed hard. Did I really want to have this kind of conversation with him? That fine line was quickly disappearing. As I contemplated my answer, I wondered if the line would ever reappear.

"Well, Donovan, lust is wanting someone so bad that you will stop at nothing to have them. They become like the air you breathe--you think you'll die without them, and when you're not with them, they are your obsession. It doesn't last long, but while it's ecstasy and joy, it also can be very painful, especially if you know it's going to end." While I was sharing, I didn't realize that I had put my other hand on his leg, and I realized that the shivers had continued, and now the butterflies in my stomach had started.

"Well, then, I've never felt that. So, I don't know how to show them or tell them. You might as well take over." He pulled away from me, and the moment I lost contact with him, my heart dropped. I had never really thought about him in this way, but at this moment, I could think of nothing else.

"Donovan, do you trust me?"

"Yes, of course."

I stood, moved in front of him, then grabbed both of his hands and pulled him up from the couch. I pulled him close to me and whispered, "You're 18, right?"

He pulled away slightly, looking confused, and then said, "Yes, but..."

I didn't let him finish. I pressed my lips to his, cutting his words off with my tongue. He was caught off guard, and resisted at first, but I felt him relax as he opened his mouth to accept my tongue. I pulled him closer to me, pressing myself against him, wrapping my arms around him, sliding my hands down his back and to his young ass. I squeezed it firmly, letting him know my intentions. I stopped my exploration of his mouth and said, "If you want to understand lust, follow me now. If you want me to stop, just say so."

I stared into his eyes, waiting for him to pull away, waiting for his realization that he was being propositioned by a 40 something woman, a woman who was his teacher and his director, and up until now, had been only that. I waited for him to realize that this was wrong and for that line to suddenly reappear. And while a part of me wanted him to walk away and save me from this horrible mistake, I knew, in that moment, I would be destroyed if he did. I knew that I wanted this, this was lust in its purest form, and I wouldn't be satisfied unless he was inside me.

He stared back, caught unawares, and he seemed to be contemplating telling me to stop. But suddenly, he pulled me to him and thrust his tongue inside my mouth. He ran his hands down my body, and each inch became more and more sensitive as he did so. I stepped away from him for a moment, and he gasped as I left his embrace. I slowly unbuttoned his shirt, revealing his smooth, almost hairless chest, and pushed it off his shoulders. I stared at him for what seemed an eternity and I suddenly felt like I was going to be sick. I turned from him and moved to the other side of the room. My mind and my body were fighting--I knew this whole scenario was wrong, with every fiber of my being, but at the same time, I couldn't think of anything except him--his warmth, his taste, his smell. I had to stop now, before it was too late.

"Donovan, I think you should leave. I'm sorry..."

I stood where I was with my back to him, listening for the door to open and close, waiting for the lust to subside, waiting for my common sense to return. I heard his footsteps, and I closed my eyes, barely breathing, wanting him to make the wrong choice, but needing him to make the right one. I suddenly felt his warm breath on the back of my neck, and his hands around my waist. He whispered in my ear, "No apologies." He kissed my neck, and my ears, and pulled me closer to him, and I could feel him pressing into me. I turned to him, finding his mouth again. As much as I wanted him to take me, have his way with me, I knew his inexperience would not allow him that role--I needed to guide him. All my hesitations were gone--this was going to happen.

I led him back to the couch. I pushed him down, running my hands down his bare chest. I leaned over and whispered in his ear, "Watch." I stepped back and unbuttoned my blouse. HIs eyes widened and a small smile appeared on his face. That smile made my stomach flip flop-no one had looked at me like that in a long time, and any last doubts disappeared. I got to my knees and unbuttoned his jeans, releasing his cock and widening the smile on his face. I slid my pants down and stepped out of them. I stood before him, shivering from lust and fear. I carefully moved forward and straddled him, my moist pussy resting on his hard cock. I took his right hand and placed it on my breast. It stayed there for a moment, and I stared at him, urging him to move, to touch, to kiss--whatever he wanted. I didn't have the fortitude to take it any further--my reason and sense of right and wrong were stopping me from doing anything else--it was in his court now.

His left hand moved up slowly, his fingers tracing my skin as he moved to my other breast, and my breath caught in my throat. I could barely breathe in anticipation. He didn't seem to know what to do; he was frozen. "Please..." I whispered. That was all he needed. He pulled me to him and sought out my mouth again, kissing me tenderly at first. Each kiss became deeper and deeper, and as we kissed, I rubbed my soaking wet pussy into him. I took his hand and slid it down to my soaking wet panties. I needed him to know what he was doing to me. He paused his exploration of my mouth and looked at me with lust and admiration. He slid my panties to the side and slid his finger deep inside. I gasped audibly and almost came right then. This only encouraged him--he pushed a second finger inside and started to slowly finger fuck me. It had been so long since I'd had this, I knew I was going to cum almost immediately. He sensed it building and stopped, sliding his wet fingers out of my pussy, then sliding them into my mouth. I sucked my pussy juices off of them, pushing myself into him, wanting him inside me, wanting him like I'd never wanted anyone before.

He slid me to the side so he could position himself above me. He slid his pants off, then his briefs, revealing his young, virginal cock. As he spread my legs apart he whispered, "I've never done this before, you'll have to show me." He slid his cock into my throbbing pussy and I came, suddenly, explosively. He stopped my screams with his mouth, just as he came, and we shared our ecstasy. Now that the initial want was sated, we could take our time. In just a few moments, he began to move inside me, slow, then fast, soft then hard. I came several more times, my pussy quivering and dripping between each, eager for the next one. He finally reached his limit and collapsed, his cock slowly sliding out.

As we continued to kiss and bask in our exhaustion, he whispered, "I think I understand the scene now."

P.S. The play won competition.