Doctors Without Morals

She grinned and got up, giving Brian a little peck on the cheek. "I'll be back in about forty-five minutes. Why don't you get everything ready for the grill?"

We opted to walk, the image of Brian with his mouth hanging open making me grin as we made our way to the shop. Taylor refused to let go and I forgot how much work it was carrying a little one around. We told them to behave or they couldn't have any and they fell in line. Taylor changed her mind three times before settling on blueberry. Tanya looked over the selections with a gravity that put other six-year-olds to shame before deciding on banana. I got a peach and after the server gave her a sample, Martie got peach as well.

Tommy knew all the flavors and opted for vanilla. The girls had to taste what everyone else had and decided peach was really good and that's what they would have next time. They stayed surprisingly neat and clean under the circumstances, and it was a happy group of kids walking back. Martie took Taylor even though she fussed, so Tanya locked down on my hand.

We arrived and I told them I had to go. I got nice little sticky kisses and a good hug from my son and I left, smiling. Martie would be good for Brian, and he had always wanted more kids. Looked like he was trading up.

*****

Martie called me out of the blue, wanting to have lunch. I had to think on that for a minute, knowing she wanted to talk about Brian. Then I made my decision.

"Can you come by the hospital around noon? We'll have to use the cafeteria, but they have surprisingly good food."

"That will be fine. Noon all right?"

"I'll see you here."

Martie was a lot smaller than I was but she had the self-assured manner of someone who was successful in her field. We made our selections and sat, making small talk as we ate. Pushing her tray back, she grinned.

"Brian and I are getting married. I wanted to be the one to tell you. Not to gloat or anything, your past is your past and has nothing to do with me, but you are still a big part of his life through Tommy. I just thought it would be better if we were face to face. If you don't mind, and you're under no compunction to answer me, what went wrong in your marriage? I know Brian can be a bit self-absorbed at times when he's on a deadline or chasing something important, but he's still the sweetest man I've ever met."

Glad now for the years of therapy, I was able to be honest. "Basically, in my mind I got a little more important than Brian. Oh, I knew he was brilliant at what he did, but I was a doctor. People lived or died by my skills, and I became a bit arrogant. Besides that, Brian was always a homebody, and I loved going out and all the attention I got when people fawned over me because of my looks or my skills. I started making unilateral decisions, thinking I was much better at making family decisions than he was. In the end, it wasn't family decisions, it was the "what did Sarah want" decisions. I made a lot of bad ones. Doctors International was just the straw that broke the camel's back, but even as he told me he'd divorce me if I left again, I knew I could get him back before that happened. You know how that worked. Would I have changed anything at that time if I knew what I knew now? Probably, but it wouldn't have lasted.

"The bottom line was, I left knowing the consequences, had sex with two partners while I was gone, and then expected everything to be fine when I got home. It was a shock and an eyeopener when it wasn't. I know it pretty much destroyed my opinion of myself as someone exalted and above the constraints of society. In the end, I had to change jobs, lost my son and husband and nothing I did was worth the cost I paid."

She sat for a minute, absorbing what I'd told her, then she sighed. "I have a little experience with your situation. Not me personally, but I've had to work with a lot of big-name talking heads and got to experience their arrogance firsthand. One insisted I give him "favors," right before airtime. We were in his office and he dropped his pants. "Nothing makes me appear relaxed onscreen like a nice blowjob," he said.

"I grinned, reached out, fondled his balls, and once I got hold of then I yanked as hard as I could. He screamed like a little girl. I brought him to his knees and leaned over, whispering.

"You try this again with me, or any other females here and I'll come back and finish the job. Nod if you understand.

"He gave me a weak nod, and just as he thought I was going to let go I yanked down, hard, then slapped his face as hard as I could. My handprint stayed on his face for four hours. They had to scramble to get an emergency host for the show. Upper management threatened me but I had recorded the conversation and a little footage of the incident, and told them if it affected my career negatively in any way at all, I'd sell the story to their biggest competitor. They chose not to renew his contract six months later."

She looked down at her fingernails before looking up, grinning. "So you see, I know well what a God complex is. More importantly, I know how to avoid people who have it and deal with the ones I'm forced into contact with. I'm glad you learned the error of your ways and I'm sorry you ended up divorced, but glad it resulted in me getting my dream man. Does that make sense?"

It did.

*****

I told my new man about the conversation that night as we prepared dinner together. It was kind of our thing. If one or the other got there far earlier than the other we would do it alone, but we really didn't like to. We would use the time to decompress, talk about our day and let the stress of our professional lives slip away. That left time for the important things, like snuggling while we watched movies, or snuggling while we listened to music, and if push came to shove, just snuggling.

My relationship with the pediatrician ended badly after I found out he liked children just a little too much. That happened when my laptop went down and I used his to send an important email about a proposed surgery. I saw a folder marked Sarah, and I opened it, thinking it would be candid pictures of me.

There were a lot of pictures, but I was naked in most of them. Sometimes I was sleeping but mostly it was while we were making love. He had cameras (three, I found out later, so he could achieve a perfect blend for his homemade porno) recording our most intimate moments. There were also a lot of shots of me in the shower and even using the bathroom.

I was pretty disgusted, so I looked a bit more and found a file labeled Candyland. It was child pornography. Really rough, disgusting pornography. I just barely made it to the kitchen sink before I spewed dinner. I rinsed my mouth, brushed my teeth, and took the laptop straight to the closest police station.

I got two detectives, one male, one female, to look at the file. They looked for about thirty seconds before shutting it down and pulling the DA away from his dinner. He listened, then gave directions.

I was to take the laptop back to his house while they got a warrant. Then I had to make a phone call saying what I found so an investigation could be launched. I made the call on the way back.

He was pacing the floor when I returned. He saw his laptop in my hands, realized in an instant what I had seen, and punched me in the nose so hard it broke and knocked me unconscious. With great timing, I heard the doorbell ring as I collapsed.

He ran out the back door, the laptop in his arms, straight into two policemen. Two huge policemen, both of whom were married with children. It seems they considered his running into them resisting arrest and they "subdued" him, which resulted in a few deep bruises and taser burns.

When the trial was over, he got fifteen years. They found a segment where he was enticing one of his patients. Her parents sued him for everything he had and he went to jail broke. Pedophiles traditionally do not do well in prison, and he was no exception to the rule. He was blind in one eye and had a permanent limp before his first year was out.

I had to go back to my therapist and she helped me see I couldn't have known. He never spoke of any type of porn, or any attraction he had to children except he'd like to father a couple someday. That filled me with hope when he said it, now I look back and cringe. "He was pretty successful, Sarah, and kept it hidden for years. Everyone was shocked when the story came out. Think how many children you may have saved, and look on it as fate or God taking a hand and guiding you to that computer. And remember, honey, there are plenty of good men out there. One day one will find you. I'm certain of it."

"I had a good man," I thought, "and I blew it. Maybe I was meant to be single as an atonement for my transgressions."

Nine months later, I met Jeremiah. He was tall, broad shouldered, had a killer smile, and the gentlest eyes I'd ever gazed into. There was a touch of grey around his temples and beard hair, but the muscles that rippled under his shirt belied the color of his hair.

I was at a convention, sent by my hospital to network and recruit. My past had receded, I had done some outstanding work for my new hospital and they were touting me as one of their faces in the community. There is a standard process when it comes to where a graduate can apply, based on a number of concerns, but nothing is written in stone in the beginning and we were looking for fresh faces. At 35, I was the youngest surgeon on staff and it was time for new blood.

The symposium covered a broad band of subjects related to the medical field, and I looked Jeremiah up. I was a little surprised. He owned an insurance company specializing in the medical field, was a Certified Public Accountant and a registered Nurse Practitioner. He held five degrees in various disciplines and had an IQ that was off the charts.

His workshop on malpractice scared all of us shitless until he led us through steps to prevent lawsuits. He was witty, concise, quick with a joke when the subject got too bleak, but his closing statements made all of us take notice.

"Sometimes, mistakes happen. When they do, own them. If you try to get in front of it and do damage control, but it comes out later you were really at fault, it's much worse in the public eye and juries will be very unsympathetic Plus, public opinion will brand all doctors as inept sleazeballs who are only in it for the money. There's a concerted push to cap malpractice awards, and some states are considering it based on a pretty complex algorithm, an algorithm I helped develop. Until it's passed, remember, the higher the sleaze factor, the more massive the payout. I'll be available for individual questions for the rest of the conference. Thank you."

There was a lot of positive response and doctors seemed to be three deep around him. I gave up trying to talk to him and rushed to my next seminar. I didn't see him until later that night, when I ducked into what I thought was an empty conference room, trying to dodge another doctor who'd had the magic drink, the one that makes all men think they are a gift to all women and should be worshipped accordingly. It was either hide or slap the hell out of him, and that just wasn't good business.

I nearly jumped out of my skin when his voice came out of the darkness. "Let me guess, hiding from your demons?"

I recognized him and smiled. "Just one, I'm afraid. You?"

"I needed a break. For the amount of time doctors spend in school, some of them can be woefully ignorant of how the real-world works."

'You don't have to repeat that. As a doctor, I can tell you I've made a lot of stupid decisions in my life, but I'm proud to say none of those decisions included a patient."

"Well then, that puts you ahead of the curve."

We spent the next fifteen minutes having a pleasant conversation. Then the door flew open and there he was. Dr. Dick. "There you are! What are you doing?"

"Well, I was about to have hot and kinky sex with this hunk, but you've blundered in and screwed that up. Go away, I was almost to the fun part."

He swayed a little as his alcohol-soaked brain tried to comprehend what I'd said. He was about to smart off when Jeremiah stood up, looming over him. "Go away now, unless you want to watch. Maybe you can jerk off as I pound the shit out of this hottie."

He opened and closed his mouth several times before he muttered "cunt," and staggered out. We looked at each before dissolving into laughter. When we stopped, we started talking, just a pleasant conversation over safe topics. I ended up giving him a kiss on the cheek as we parted and he gave me a very nice hug.

The next morning, I saw him at breakfast and he stood, motioning for me to join him. I went off to my seminars and he conducted his workshops, after we had agreed to have lunch. Dinner was nice, he took me to a restaurant away from the conference where we could relax, then to a little club where the music wasn't too loud, and we danced a few slow songs. I was a tall girl, but I felt tiny in his arms.

Back at the hotel, he walked me to my room and gave me a very nice kiss. Not overpowering and without tongue, but it held a lot of promise. It made me want more.

We discovered we were from the same city and our relationship developed quickly. He'd been married, but she tragically died in childbirth from a condition no one knew she had. They managed to save the baby, even though she spent almost two months in the hospital. She was seven.

I told him my story about three months after we started dating and just after we became intimate. He listened without interruption, then just hugged me while I cried, scared to death he would want to stop seeing me. My heart melted when he spoke.

"You can't change the past. It sounds like you made a series of mistakes, but you've learned from them. If I didn't think I could trust you we wouldn't be where we're at right now."

I tried to love him to death. Luckily, it didn't work but he was pretty lethargic by the end of the weekend. We still took it slowly, but gradually I was spending more and more time at his house. I was as nervous as could be when I introduced him to my son, but they got along famously. Jere was a really good archer and he got Tommy into it, after talking to my ex. He wouldn't say anything about their meeting beyond saying he seemed a decent guy.

Then one day I came home to a house full of kids. Tommy and his little sisters. All three of them. Brian and Martie had a child together, a precocious little thing who seemed scary smart. I raised an eyebrow and he flushed a little before grinning. "We're wrangling this herd for two days while Martie goes to New York to accept an award. Her star seems to be rising now that she's the executive producer of Brian's new show."

CNN had talked Brian into hosting a one hour show three days a week, in rotation with another show. The ratings were solid and rising. His only demand in the negotiations was that his wife run the show and the network agreed instantly. Martie did so well the show won an Emmy, and Brian couldn't contain his pride in his wife. He even waxed eloquent about how much he loved her in one of his shows, embarrassing her no end. I couldn't help it and watched his show, feeling a twinge of regret when I realized if things had been different, if I had managed to stay faithful and deflate my ego enough, he would have been raving about me on his show.

Then I looked at Jere and realized maybe he was the destination at which I was fated to arrive.

The two days turned into three when they asked for an extra day. Jere was over the moon, the big girls wanted to shoot Terry's bow, but he was a teenager and the bow was physically too big for them. Jere solved that with a trip to Academy, buying them small bows and all the accessories. Taylor was a natural and Tanya was pretty good. Lucy, Jere's daughter, was a big help. Then Tina wanted a bow and I came to the rescue, buying her one of those toy bows with suction cups on the end of the arrows instead of points. She was pretty good for a three-year-old, and I regretted my decision every time I had to pull an arrow off the television screen, the patio door or a car window. Jeremiah and the kids thought it was hilarious.

I was both exhausted and exhilarated. Lucy had been kind of skittish at first, not wanting to share Daddy with anyone, but gradually she accepted me and we grew close. I lavished all the love I didn't get to give to my son on her, and she thrived. To have girls near her age around for days lifted her spirits, and there were a lot of hugs and kisses between everyone as they left.

We were sitting on the sofa, vegging out, when Lucy crawled on top of us. After she wriggled around until she was comfortable, she said something that exploded my world.

"Mom, can I have a little sister?"

It was the first time she had ever called me Mom, and tears flowed as I hugged her. When I could talk, I kissed the top of her head. "That depends, baby. What does Daddy think of the idea?"

Daddy was grinning holding up a small box. "Daddy thinks it's the best idea he's heard in a long time."

I cried for thirty minutes, kissing and hugging both of them the whole time.

*****

I was a little long in the tooth for a baby, but sheer will won out and I delivered an eight-pound boy two weeks before my thirty-eighth birthday.

The waiting room was filled to capacity. I was a well-liked doctor and the nurses fussed over me constantly. I wasn't surprised to see Brian, Martie, and their brood. I was surprised to see his mother. She had moved out of state for a while and I hadn't known she was back. I couldn't see for the tears when she asked to hold her newest granddaughter. Jeremiah's mother and she were soon huddled, plotting out the futures of all the children assembled.

Lucy made sure that she was the first to hold her brother after her parents. She was a little disappointed he was a boy, but got over it as soon as she looked at his face. When he was five and she was thirteen, if he got fussy, she'd pick him up and rain kisses all over him. Soon he'd be giggling and trying to wipe them off as fast as she planted them. One of the biggest pictures on her night stand is the one of her holding her brother for the first time.

*****

I was fifty-three, the grande dame of the surgical unit. Knowing that in a few years my hands wouldn't be up to the task, I was planning my retirement. I was the mother figure to the younger doctors and nurses, and they often confided in me. One of the prettier nurses came to me for an opinion.

"I heard you worked with Doctors International. I've been offered a chance to serve. Do you have any advice?"

I didn't sugarcoat it, relaying my experiences and what it had cost me. She was newly married and I asked if her husband was on board. "He doesn't know yet."

"Then you should talk about it. Are you willing to be away from him that long? Will he be willing to wait on you to come home? The organization has done some tremendously good work, but there's always a cost and a downside. You should weigh your decision carefully before you commit."

In the end, she didn't go, and a single one went in her place. She broke up with her boyfriend before she left and he was engaged by the time she got back, dashing any hopes she had of a reconciliation. We thought she did it deliberately, just in case she decided to have a fling or two while she was gone and never once thought he would replace her so quickly. She was pretty subdued for about four months, and when they offered her another assignment, she turned it down.

Tommy graduated with a Master's in journalism and took a job as an associate producer for Fox. Lucy was a junior in a premed program. Tanya is in the same program and they are roommates. Taylor is a senior and has a full ride scholarship for volleyball. Tina is a freshman in high school and seems to be majoring in boys. At fourteen, she looks twenty and men and boys alike make fools of themselves over her. She has a good head on her shoulders, and if they push hard, she shows them pictures of her and her sisters, brother, her cousins Lucy and JJ, all holding ribbons and trophies for archery and karate. Tommy was an alternate for the Olympic team last year and JJ is already a second-degree black belt, at fifteen. Lucy was State Champion in archery for her age group two years ago, barely beating out her cousin Taylor.