Edited Out

I threw the belt and he grabbed hold of it. The belt had a rope attaching it to the stand, which would help when it came to climbing the steep bank.

'Bye the way, the best thing you can do with your book is to burn it. A bit of heat is the most anyone could get from it.'

As I walked away I could hear him yelling

'Come back here, you bitch. Help me get out of here.'

I walked back to my car and made an anonymous call to the emergency services before getting in the car and driving away.

I'd been driving for half an hour when it hit me. The events of the previous night kept running through my mind and every time I found myself saying Harry wouldn't have done that. Harry, my Harry, what was I doing to him. I had given my all to Mark. Even when I claimed that I had no time to go out with my family, I'd found time for him. We'd shared our favourite things, I'd taken him to my favourite places: places that had always been special to me. They were our special places, Harry's and mine. I'd betrayed him, and not just sexually. I'd allowed Mark to take every part of me that should have been his and his alone. The tears started to flow, so much so that when I saw a lay-by I pulled into it.

Whenever I managed to stop sobbing and clean myself up, the tears would start again. I don't know how long I sat there, but when I got control of my emotions I noticed that I was sharing the lay-by with a van selling drinks and snacks. I went to the van and bought a cup of coffee. Sipping at the steaming liquid the van passed off as coffee brought me back thinking about Harry. I smiled as I imagined him walking back to the van and asking them to put some coffee in it. Just thinking about it lifted me. I threw the rest of the coffee away, got back in my car and headed for home.

It was three in the afternoon when I pulled into the drive. There was no sign of Harry's Volvo. That panicked me for a moment, then I realised it was the end of school for the day and Harry would be out collecting the kids. I let myself in and went straight up to the bedroom. I tossed my bag on the bed and went into the bathroom to wash my face. I wanted to look my best for when he got home. Back in the bedroom, I sat at my dressing table and put on my makeup. I spent a lot of time getting the lips just right, hoping that they wouldn't stay that way for long. With no sound from downstairs, I unpacked my bag. I went down with an armful of washing to put in the machine. Harry and the children still weren't home and I was beginning to worry. It was as I came out of the utility room that I saw a pile of paper on the dining room table. The paper turned out to be the manuscript of Mark's novel, but there was an envelope on top of it. I stood looking at it for several minutes, too afraid to read what I thought was inside. I knew that I had to open it, but it took all my willpower to make me do it. As I read the first few sentences relief washed over me.

Hi Issy,

You are probably wondering where we are, so I'll explain. Emma's best friend at school has tested positive for Corona, so we have to isolate for ten days. I thought Selsey would be a better place to isolate than here. Mum is going to ensure there is plenty of food there, so we've all gone down to Selsey for ten days. At least they have the sea and the wildlife to study down there. They can use my computer and laptop to study online.

The knot in my stomach loosened and my whole body relaxed. Then I started to read on.

I've looked at your boyfriend's manuscript and... Oh yes, I do know all about your sordid little affair. You really shouldn't say that you are going to see people that I do work for. When Larry called, I asked about his lunch with you he told me he hadn't seen you for months and the alarm bells rang. Find My Phone told me you were at OUR hotel. How could you do that, take him to our special places? They were our's, godammit, not someplace where you share yourself with all and sundry. Sorry, drifted off subject there, I was talking about lover boy's manuscript. They say you can't polish a turd. It turns out that you can't sharpen one either. It wouldn't matter how many editors you put on it, there is no way you could make that trash saleable.

I'll get the kids to call you. I'll bring them home in ten days, that should give you time to arrange child care.

Bye,

Harry

'No Harry, don't do this.' I yelled as I tried to find my phone. 'He means nothing to me.'

I found the phone and called him. I could hear the ring tone but got no answer. After a short time, the voicemail message came through.

'Hi, you've reached Harry Roberts' phone. I'm busy right now, but if you leave your name and number I'll get back to you.'

'Harry, I'm home. I've read your note. Please call me. Landline or mobile, I'll be waiting. I love you.'

I paced up and down through the kitchen and the dining room, wringing my hands and talking to myself.

'How long had he known? Was that the reason he didn't want me to go? What did he mean, time to arrange childcare? He was my childcare. Oh my God, he's not coming back.'

I read the note again.' I'll bring the kids back in ten days,' it said. Surely if he was planning to stay it would have said We'll be home in ten days?

I called him again, and again it went to voicemail.

'Please, Harry, don't do this. Talk to me. I know I've messed up, but we can fix things. Don't do this to us, you're so much better than that. Please call me. Please, Harry, I love you so much, I don't want to lose you.'

I disconnected the call and stood looking at the phone willing it to ring, but of course, it didn't. As I waited, my stomach reminded me that I hadn't eaten since breakfast. I made myself a sandwich, and while I was eating my phone rang. I ran across the room to find I had an incoming Facetime call from Harry. I wiped my eyes with a tissue and pushed my hair back before answering. When I did two faces beamed out at me from the phone.

'Mummy,' they yelled. I thought I had no more tears to cry, but as soon as I saw them I started again. Andrew was the first to notice.

'Are you crying, Mum? What's wrong?'

I dabbed at my eyes again with the tissue.

'Nothing is wrong; I am just so pleased to see you both. Is Daddy there?'

'Yes, he's getting dinner ready. He said we should call you before we eat.'

To hear them, you would have thought that going into isolation was something to enjoy, and perhaps that's the best way to look at things. They told me how they had been playing in the garden and spotting different seabirds on the beach.

'I saw a cormorant sitting on the end of the groynes,' Emma told me.

'What's a groyne, Darling?'

'Daddy said that was the name of those big wooden fences that run down into the sea. Andrew called them breakwaters but Daddy said they are called groynes.'

'If that's what Daddy said then I'm sure it's right. Are you doing your schoolwork?'

'Yes, I'm using Daddy's laptop and Andrew uses the big computer.'

'What about you Andrew? Do you like learning online?'

'It's okay, but I can only see the teacher; it would be better if I could see my friends, too.'

I heard Harry's voice calling them for dinner and they started to say their goodbyes.

'Darling, before you go could you put Daddy on the phone, please?'

I saw the background moving about as Andrew carried the phone with him. The screen went a sort of fuzzy pink and hear Andrew father.

'Mum wants to talk to you,' he said.

I could hear his footsteps on the wooden floor and then the closing of a door before the picture returned and I could see Harry's face. There was something about him that I'd seen before but hadn't really noticed. His eyes looked tired, I'd seen that before and thought it was a lack of sleep. Now, I looked at him and saw that he wasn't just tired, the sparkle in his eyes had gone. He looked sad.

'Hi Issy, what can I do for you?'

'How are you, Harry?'

'I believe the phrase is "As well as can be expected," What do you want to talk about? Was my note not clear? No, it probably wasn't. I wasn't thinking too clearly at the time. Having your wife go off to spend a couple of days with her lover can do that to a man. I all but begged you not to go, but you still went. The better man won, what's to talk about. If you'd called me last night I'd have told you we weren't at home. You could have had the house to yourselves. You could have screwed yourselves silly.'

'Stop it, stop right now. He is not the better man. He's not half the man you are and I couldn't bring him home because the last time I saw him he was up to his neck in the canal clinging to a lifebelt. It's over. I know it should never have started. I feel so stupid, but last night I came to my senses.'

'I see, and that makes it all right does it; the fact that you have come to your senses.'

'No, of course not. We can't do this over the phone, Harry. I need to be with you, to let you see how sorry I am. I'll get in the car and come down there now.'

'No, you can't do that. We are in isolation so that we don't spread the disease. If Emma has it, we'll all get it. I've probably already got it. We are isolating so we don't pass it on to anyone else, and that includes you. As I said in my note, I'll bring the kids back in ten days, fourteen at most.'

'Does that mean that you are coming home?'

'Mum says I can stay here. It's a good place to work from. I thought we could share child care. One of us could have them during the week and the other gets weekends. Think about it and let me know what you want to do. If I have them during the week, they will have to change schools.'

I couldn't believe he could be so cool and matter of fact about it while I was wiping the tears away all the time he was talking. He just looked so calm. It took me a while to realise that he was calm because he'd given up.

'Please don't do this, Harry, don't give up on us.'

For the first time, I saw a flash of anger.

'Me? Me give up on us, that's rich. You gave up on us months ago. Have you listened to yourself lately? When was the last time planning was about what we would do, as opposed to what you were going to do? You left this team, not me. I did my best to win you back. I tried flowers, special meals, date nights that you turned your back on. Even tried to show you that you were putting us all at risk from this bloody virus. Ha, just look at the irony in that,.You go swanning about with your lover while I stay at home away from everyone, and it's me that is most likely to get infected.'

As he spoke, I remembered it all. He'd done all those things and I wrote it off as Harry being Harry. The attempts to get me to go away for the weekend when I insisted I had to work. It was true; I was behind with my work, but only because I'd been spending my time with Mark. I was so lost in thought that I almost missed what he was saying.

'I've got to go, I don't want the kids to see me upset. I'll make sure they call you every night, Goodnight.'

'Don't go, Harry. I love you. I need you. Please come home.'

I was too late. The screen froze, then went blank and I realised that he'd hung up. I tried hard not to cry again. A sort of blackness descended upon me. All around me life went on as normal, but for me, everything stood still. I wasn't conscious of the traffic outside, I didn't notice the sun going down. I sat on the edge of the sofa, rocking backwards and forwards, shutting it all out.

'Issy. Issy, what's wrong?' I could hear the words and could feel someone shaking my shoulder. 'What are you doing sitting here in the dark.' I turned in the direction of the voice and as my eyes started to focus I could see my mother's face looking back at me.

'Mum, what are you doing here?'

'Harry called. He said you needed me so I came as soon as I could. What is it? What's happened?'

'He's left me, Mum. I've been such a fool and now he's gone.'

'Nonsense, he told me all about it. They are just Isolating down there. They'll be back in ten days.'

'No, you don't understand. He said he will bring the children home, but he didn't say he is coming home, and it's all my fault. I thought I was being so clever, but he knew. He knew all along and now I've lost him.'

'I don't believe that for a minute, Harry's not like that. He loves you to death. There's nothing you could do to drive that man away.'

'Yes there is, Mum, and I've done it. I broke the heart of the nicest kindest man in the world, and now he hates me for it.'

Mum sat down beside me and pulled me into a hug, and once more the floodgates opened and I cried more than I can ever remember crying. Mum just held me, rubbing my shoulders as I cried. When I did manage to control myself, I pushed away and looked into her eyes.

'Oh, Mum, what am I going to do? I can't go on without him.'

'Enough of that talk, I'm here now, so it's a matter of what we are going to do. First, we switch the lights on, then I'm going to make us a nice cup of tea. When we've had our tea, I'm going to ring Harry and give him a piece of my mind.'

'No, Mum, don't do that. You don't know the whole story yet. If you go off half-cocked at him you'll only make it worse.'

'In that case, we'll have our tea and you can tell me all about it.'

Mum's view is that there isn't a situation that can't be made better by a cup of tea. Harry and I often laughed about it. 'Oh dear,' he would say, 'have you chopped your leg off? Never mind, I'll make you a cup of tea.'

We may have laughed about it, but as I sat at the table drinking tea with Mum, I did start to feel better. I started at the beginning and told her the story. When I told her about that first night she gave me a black look.

'I thought we raised you better than that,' she said.

'Mum,' I said, 'If I'm going to finish this you need to hold back on the judgement.'

'Okay, carry on.'

I told her everything, even how I'd made sure I never refused Harry when he was feeling horny, thinking that would keep him from suspecting anything. When I got to my last night with Mark her hand came up to her mouth.

'He raped you?'

'No, Mum; I went there to have sex with him, just not like that.'

'You said no but he forced himself on you. That's rape. You asked him to stop but he just carried on. That's rape. We need to speak to the police.'

'I can't, Mum. No jury would convict him. I'm a married woman and he was my long term lover; that's all that they would see.'

'So he gets away with it?'

'Not quite, I did push him into the canal.'

'Good, I hope he drowned.'

'No. I threw him a lifebelt.'

'Lifebelt? I'd have thrown him an anvil or something heavy to drag the bastard down. Does Harry know about this?'

'No, and you can't tell him. He'd try to kill Mark and probably come off worse.'

'Well, there is one thing I can tell you, Harry still loves you.'

'Oh, I'm not too sure about that. I've hurt him pretty badly.'

'He called me, didn't he? He knew you were in a state, so he called me to help you. That means he still cares about you. Don't give up on him.'

'I won't, Mum, but I think he's given up on me. He's editing me out of his life.'

'Then show him he's wrong. Give him some time to cool off, then show him how much you love him, and if you ever do something like this again, it won't only be Harry that casts you off.'

*****

Harry was true to his word; every day the kids and I had a Facetime chat. Each time I asked to speak to Daddy, but he was always busy cooking or working. On the fourth day, I could hear someone coughing. I asked Andrew who it was.

'Oh, that's Dad. He says he's got a cold.'

'Put him on the phone, please. I don't care what he's doing, I need to speak to him.'

The background flashed by as Andrew took the phone to the kitchen where Harry was cooking.

'What can I do for you?'

'Andrew says you have a cough?'

'It's just a cold, nothing to worry about.'

'You don't sound bunged up.'

'No, I'm not, I'm just a bit chesty, It's nothing to worry about.'

'But I do, I can't help it. I want you to promise you'll look after yourself.'

'Yeah, yeah, I promise, now I've got dinner to cook, so if you'll excuse me?'

Once again he hung up before I could tell him I loved him. Over the following days, his cough seemed to get better and I thought I was worrying about nothing. Then came the call on the morning of the day they were supposed to come back. It was Andrew calling and he was very upset.

'Hello, Darling, are you all packed to come home today.'

'Oh yes, we've done that but can you come here to pick us up?'

'Well, I can of course, but why can't Daddy bring you home?'

'He's not well enough to drive, so he asked me to call you.'

'What's wrong with him, Andrew, can you describe it?'

'I don't know Mum. He just sits in bed and he's breathing funny. Like he's been running. I think he might have COVID and I don't know what to do.'

Andrew started to sob and I did my best to calm him down.

'Okay, Darling, You've done very well. Now I need you to do something else. I'm going to get in the car as soon as I put the phone down. When I do, I want you to dial 999 and ask for an ambulance. Tell them what you just told me about Dad's breathing and tell them you think he's got COVID. I'll be there in two hours, maybe less. If anything else comes up, call me straight away.'

I threw a few clothes in a bag and ran out to my car.

*****

It's amazing how quickly you can get places when there is no traffic on the roads. Lockdown meant that people were not supposed to travel, but of course, some still did. However, the reduced number of cars on the road meant that normally congested places were clear. Ninety minutes after Andrew's call, I pulled up outside the house in Selsey. An ambulance was parked in the drive and the side door was open. I grabbed my bag and ran towards the house. As I passed the ambulance I noticed someone moving inside. I turned to look inside and saw a paramedic in full PPE, tending someone on a gurney. I had one foot on the step when the paramedic stepped in front of me.

'You can't come in, this is now a contaminated area.'

I barely recognised Harry lying on the gurney. An oxygen mask covered most of his face and his eyes looked dead. I could hear his chest wheezing as he breathed.

'How is he?' I asked the paramedic.

'Not good but we've picked up worse. He'll be better once we get him to the hospital.'

'Where are you taking him?'

'Saint Richards, in Chichester, but don't think about visiting; no one is allowed in.'

'Hang in there, Harry. We'll be waiting for you to come home. We love you, Harry.'

I turned back to the house, and as soon as I opened the door I was hugged by two tearful children.

A female paramedic, one that Harry would have described as a fine big girl, stood behind them. She was also kitted out in PPE.

'My name is Maggie. I take it you are their mother.'

'Yes, I've just come from Redhill to pick them up; they've been down here isolating.'

'I know, Andrew has already explained. That's a great pair of kids you've got there. They've been a great help. Now you're here, we can be on our way.'

'Don't go yet; he needs his phone and charger. We may not be allowed to visit him but at least we can support him by phone.'

I knelt in front of my children.

'Now I want you to think. Do either of you know where Daddy's phone is?'

'I know,' said Emma. 'It's in the kitchen, charging up. I can get it for you.'

'No, I'll fetch it, you just show me where it is,' said Maggie.

The two of them went into the kitchen and soon returned with Harry's phone and charger.

'Do I need to disinfect anything?'

'If you can, you should lock his room and not go in there for three days. Other than that, just keep washing your hands and you should be all right.'