Ellen's Tale Pt. 02

Gitti leaned on the bench and stared out the window.

"For what it's worth though, you're welcome to stay as long as you need to and if you need advice about dealing with the cops I'm all ears."

"Thanks," Anna swallowed.

Nevertheless, Ellen still felt uneasy about speaking to the police. The last time she'd had this kind of conversation the subject of witness protection and a totally new identity had been discussed and the last thing she wanted was to uproot her daughter and herself and move interstate.

Will this never end?

It was a question that brought back painful memories and in spite of her best efforts at hiding it over dinner she still felt as if she was walking on eggshells. She hadn't felt this way since she'd been with the club when she had to watch every word. She eventually excused herself some time after dinner and took Tabitha back to the bungalow.

There was some sense of relief when she stepped into her home and got Tabitha into the bath, at least it kept her occupied, for the moment. Tabitha seemed almost oblivious to her state of mind as she played in the bath, Ellen changed Tabitha's sheets and was halfway through changing her sheets when she realised she'd changed them two days ago.

What the fuck am I doing?

"Mum!"

"Huh?" Ellen stood up too quickly.

"Can I watch telly?"

"Sure," she stared at her daughter standing in the doorway in her pyjamas with wet hair, "of course you can watch telly."

"Are you sad, mum?"

"Sad? Why would I be sad?"

"You're always sad when you talk about the club."

"I am?" Ellen looked past her, "well, maybe because I was sad then, I was always afraid of getting hurt or afraid you'd get hurt."

"But we won't get hurt here, will we?"

"No, of course not," she flicked at her hair.

She heard a knock on the door a moment later and turned towards the bedroom door.

"Who's that?"

"I don't know," she hurried to the door but after peeking through the glass insert she opened the door and smiled at Anna, "what did I forget?"

"Um, nothing, I just wanted to check out your digs. I haven't been in here yet."

"Oh, okay," she squeezed Tabitha's shoulder, "go and watch telly in your room, sweetie."

Anna entered a few moments later and her eyes widened as she looked around.

"It's bigger than I thought."

"That's what Julie said the other day," she replied.

After she'd shown her around they retired to the couch and Anna sank into it and smoothed out her skirt.

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," she smiled weakly, "it's just that Roy was a part of a past I'd rather forget and I never had much to do with him. He was just one of the guys at the club but it all came back when I was talking to those detectives," she stretched her legs out.

"And here was me thinking I'd finally put it behind me."

"It's something we can never fully put behind us," Anna replied, "I should have ditched the bastard when I had the chance but I forgave and tried to forget his indiscretion," she smoothed out her skirt and frowned.

"Why do men have affairs and then say she didn't mean anything to me? If I had an affair it would mean something to me for sure but men seem to put that part of them into a box."

"It's a man thing," she replied, "although Dee seems to sleep around a lot."

"So is it a revenge thing for her? You said he's got his girlfriends."

"To be honest I don't know," she stared at the ceiling, "it's a strange relationship, I've met him once or twice but it's like they're married in name only. They both have separate lifestyles, their own social circle and I'm just part of hers."

"So, what's it like?"

"What do you mean?"

"With women," she smiled and patted her leg lightly, "don't show me, just tell me."

"God, how long is a piece of string?" Ellen glanced over her shoulder at Tabitha's bedroom door and then lowered her voice an octave.

"It's nice, we're very adaptable and there's no fear that they'll turn on you. The worst a woman can do is betray you I guess, but I was always more afraid of physical violence. John was a sadistic prick, he knew that I was afraid of violence and he'd use that fear as some kind of turn on, even the other club members used to try and speak to him. Not that it had much effect, he'd back down when in public but once we got home I'd cop a bashing."

"I'm sorry," Anna nudged her leg.

"It was a long time ago," Ellen replied, "but I've got more sympathy for women caught in a cycle of abuse than I did before and mum's been great, we've grown a lot closer together although she finds my arrangement with Dee a little troubling but there are times I feel a little weird too. I've never been in this kind of relationship before and I'd never let myself live the way Dee does. If it's not working then part company and find someone you can connect with," she smirked.

"And if that's not a bloody contradiction I don't know what is."

"But it's not you who's cheating, she's the cheating one but if it's an open marriage can you really use that term anyway?"

"Too right," she frowned, "to be honest it's a matter of convenience for me, I don't have to make any commitments or sacrifices. There's no worrying if she's sleeping around behind my back, she's quite open about the fact there are others, so jealousy is just a waste of time."

"Have you been in an exclusive relationship with a woman since your marriage ended?"

"Once," she closed her eyes, "with Tracey and it didn't end well. She was bipolar and on meds but she'd keep going off them because she didn't like medications. I was constantly reminding her that she needed to be on them."

"Sounds like you had your hands full."

"You can say that again," she chuckled, "she used to go off them for five days and then take five doses at once and wind up bouncing off the fucking walls. It lasted three months and I finally told her that I couldn't do it any more, she understood but she did introduce me to Dee, just as a friend by the way. So, I guess it had some benefits, but prior to that I had one night stands with guys now and then but as I've just mentioned I just couldn't feel safe with men."

"That's what worries me," Anna shifted position slightly, "I'm worried that I'll put all men through a Ritchie filter and either end up with someone worse or push them away because I'm afraid that he's just another Ritchie."

"I did that with just about every guy after John and it's not like I was sleeping with every man I could find but I'd find myself comparing them to him or expecting them to turn on me. I had this one guy, Stephen who was a sweetie, we still chat on the phone a few times a year."

"And what was he like?"

"Sensitive, kind, caring, and very intelligent. He was so unlike any other man I'd ever dated in the past, which was why I initially rejected him. I thought he was just playing a game to get into my pants but as he pointed out, we'd slept together a couple of times."

"So, why did you break up?" Anna turned towards her.

"It was his doing in the end, he realised I gravitated more towards women than men and over about two weeks we had this ongoing discussion about sexual identity. His sister had also struggled with her sexuality as well, and it took her two marriages to realise that she liked women more than men. She came out after her second marriage ended and just got into a civil union with a woman six months ago."

"Wow, that's certainly different," Anna moved forward to pick up a small globe Tabitha had been playing with over dinner.

"I was involved with a woman in university," she went on, "it was the weirdest time of my life."

"In what way?" Ellen asked her and when she looked away, she nudged her gently, "go on, I've just told you some of my dirty secrets."

"It's not that it's dirty," she glanced over her shoulder.

"Janis was a girl in my business studies class, I helped her out of a jam one night in a pub when some guy put the hard word on her. I told him we were lesbians and he fucked off. We started going out a lot together, to the pub, movies and dinner but then she started changing," she bit her lip and leaned back against the couch.

"She started changing her clothes, she was always a jeans and tee shirt girl but then she started to wear similar clothes to me, blouses, dresses, skirts. At first I didn't think anything of it but she started getting clingy and eventually I had to confront her about it and she finally admitted that she had a crush on me."

"So, what happened next?"

"I wish I could say we fucked but we didn't, she got terribly embarrassed and walked out, the next day at school she avoided me and when we finally did talk again she claimed she'd been a bit too drunk that night and didn't mean anything by it, the funny thing is," she frowned.

"If she'd taken it further and come onto me I probably wouldn't have resisted. I admit I was a bit startled that night but the next day I was kind of turned on by the idea but I didn't know how to make the next move. I was used to guys and I got the feeling she'd never been with a woman in the past. I finally had to move on because she was awkward and if I'd made the next move it would have meant major changes."

"Do you still see her?"

"She moved to Britain after uni, we've been friends on Facebook though, she got married to some guy over there but it ended and she finally did come out as gay, she's living with some woman in Bristol."

"So she finally found her courage."

"Yeah, and I married Ritchie and it's taken me years to find my courage."

"But you're getting there," she rubbed her back briefly, "the first step is the hardest. I shat myself when I moved out and I had two burly cops standing guard inside while I carried boxes and my suitcase out to the car. John was sitting on the couch calling them for all the arseholes under the sun and this cop just whacked his baton against his hand and told him to keep talking."

Anna leaned back suddenly, momentarily trapping her hand and then she shifted again and put her hands on the edge of the couch.

"I should get back inside."

"Yep, and I have to get a few things packed for tomorrow."

"Shit, the class," she glanced over her shoulder, "how time flies, it feels like just last week I was there," she looked down at the floor as she contemplated her next words.

"Do you mind if I um, help you set up?"

"Sure, why not? I can always use an extra hand."

"I don't want money off my course fee, I just want to help because," she paused, "it's the right thing to do."

"No worries," she poked her in the small of the back.

Anna left shortly afterwards but as she gave Ellen a quick hug at the door, she felt something shift inside her. It wasn't desire or even simple lust and it was only when she'd packed a second box that it finally occurred to her that this was the first time Anna had hugged her.

***

Anna seemed noticeably quieter the next day as they headed off to the community centre, she'd risen earlier than Ellen and she'd seen her outside on the phone and when the call was over she stared blankly at the bungalow. Ellen thought she was going to knock on her door but instead she wheeled about and stalked back into the house.

It was only as they drew nearer to the centre that she finally let it all out.

"I got a call from my ex mother in law this morning."

"And? What's she saying to it?"

"You'll laugh at this," she glanced up in the rear view mirror at Tabitha for a moment, "she wants me to take out a loan against the house and give the money to her to bail out her son."

"What the hell?" Ellen stared at her, "who says that?"

"It's like something out of a bad movie. I had to ask her to repeat herself just to make sure I'd heard her right the first time and then I used words that I can't use in front of your daughter."

"I can imagine, although she's heard a few words come out of my mouth in the past, I'm just amazed she thought she could get away with it."

"It's emotional blackmail, and my ex mother in law is a master at emotional tug of war, she dotes on her son and the feeling is mutual. Sometimes I think he should have married her instead, although it is breaking the law."

"Well he's broken a few laws already," she smirked.

Anna chuckled at that.

"She did confirm that he's been moved to the main remand centre though and she's fretting over going out to see him. She's snooty and the thought of sitting in a big room with a bunch of crims just mortifies her."

"She won't be in a big room," she replied, "she'll be in a booth and they can talk on the phone, I've been out there a few times over the years, it's not for the faint hearted."

"How do you think he'll go if he's you know, convicted?"

"It depends on the sentence but he's a first time offender so it's likely he'll be in a low security wing with first time offenders and then sent to a country jail. If he helps police with their inquiries then they may advise the DPP to apply for a lighter sentence."

"But he'll still do time."

"Well that's pretty much guaranteed," she glanced over at her.

"How do you feel about that?"

"Conflicted," she replied a moment later, "there's a part of me that wants him to suffer but there's also a part that doesn't want him to come to any harm."

"So, you're normal," Ellen nudged her leg gently.

"I guess so," she glanced out the window.

***

The class that day was a little different because Anna was on hand to help set up. This time they didn't have to move the tables into position because some other community group had hired the room that morning and they hadn't folded the tables and put them away. Ellen always left the tables where they were on a Saturday because an AA group liked the arrangement.

Once the others arrived she resumed her customary role of student, leaving Ellen to run the class but at some point she admitted that she was staying at Ellen's place temporarily.

"At least until I decide what to do with the place."

That precipitated a flurry of questions and Ellen kept her silence, not expecting her to just come out and admit that her ex husband was now sitting in the Remand Centre on drugs and firearms charges but when she did say exactly that there was a stunned silence before Elaine broke it.

"Well, it happens to the best of us. Just stick with us girls and we'll look after you."

There was a general nodding of heads and one woman squeezed her shoulder.

"I thought you almost looked embarrassed," Elaine commented when she ducked out to join her for a quick fag break not long afterwards.

"Maybe it's just my natural shyness," Ellen ventured, "I didn't expect her to come out like that."

"She's quite reserved," Elaine inclined her head, "but she seems to have come out of her shell since she moved into Gitti's place."

"It's probably Gitti's influence," Ellen blew out a cloud of smoke.

"Will you stop that," Elaine turned to her.

"What?"

"Putting yourself down like that, I've always admired the way you came out of an abusive marriage and just got on with it, so maybe you've been a good influence as well."

Ellen stared through the window. She could see Anna working on her statuette and she felt a lump in her throat.

"Maybe you've got a point," she admitted, "I'm my own worst enemy. She does seem more talkative than she was last week," Ellen frowned as she butted the cigarette out, "we're going to this barbecue tomorrow, at Julie's?"

"Wow, your first date," she grinned, "we'll be there too."

"It's not exactly a date, I just said yes because Julie seems nice but Anna doesn't strike me as being that way inclined anyway."

Elaine didn't reply to that one because Anna stepped out onto the verandah and folded her arms.

"What's up?"

"I've finished the tunic, more or less."

"Well, it's get started on the trousers," Ellen grinned.

As they were heading inside she chanced a glance over her shoulder to find Elaine staring at Anna's back or was it her arse?

Should I make my move or just let it play out naturally?

***

Barbecues are an Australian tradition although contrary to popular myth, shrimps or prawns are not thrown onto a barbecue but just about every other kind of meat is fried on the hotplate. However, meat is not the only kind of food to be found. There is salad, cold pasta and Asian food, along with a variety of other dishes and desserts, all washed down with beer, wine, spirits or soft drinks. This particular barbecue was a little different because the only males present were boys although there weren't an awful lot of kids there anyway.

Despite her insistence that this wasn't a date, Ellen had tarted herself up, donning a three-quarter length skirt and black halter top under a white, short-sleeved blouse that was open to her belly, but it paled in significance to Anna's outfit. Her housemate had opted for a white, satin blouse tucked into black leather trousers accessorised with a studded belt and black suede boots. It was the first time she'd seen her wear anything other than office attire or the more casual dressed down outfits she changed into after work.

"Tripping the light fantastic are we?" Julie looked her up and down as she opened the flywire door.

"Not exactly," Anna smiled crookedly, "the last time I wore this outfit my ex husband said I looked like a slut, I know it's not exactly barbecue attire but even so."

"And you didn't throw a drink in his face?" Julie sounded surprised.

"Tempting but no, I changed into something more appropriate."

"Come on in," she stepped aside, "Ellen, how are you?"

"I'm fine, and this is my daughter, Tabitha."

"Welcome, Tabitha," Julie smiled at her, "everyone is outside, just leave your contributions in the kitchen and I'll introduce you to the girls."

"Um, can I use your toilet?" Anna asked her.

"Sure, follow me," she inclined her head, "the kitchen's through there and just follow the noise," she pointed, "the booze goes out there as well."

Ellen glanced briefly at the L-shaped couch in the living room as she passed through it, noticing that it was indeed quite big.

You could sleep two on that.

There were about fifteen women outside, most were milling about the patio or nearby, the French doors had been opened so as the music could be heard. Ellen had a flashback to her youth when she used to groove to INXS, they'd been her mother's favourite band as well. In fact she'd copied her mother's CDs when she was in Primary school and played Suicide Blonde over the loudspeaker one lunch time when the Principal left her office door open. It had earned her a three day suspension and whilst her mother was nominally angry at school, on the way home she high fived her and went out and bought her an MP3 Player instead because very few kids at school had one. Tabitha pulled at her sleeve and pointed to a Samoyed dog playing with some children.

"Look mum, a husky dog."

"He's a Samoyed and his name's Max," she nudged her, "go on, it's all right, he's friendly."

She was so intent on Tabitha as her daughter made her way over to the middle of the yard that she didn't notice the older woman standing nearby with a glass of wine. She was vaguely aware that the woman was standing on her own as she deposited her bottle on the bench that functioned as a basic bar. It was only when she turned around to look at her that their eyes met and she noticed the red dress. A pair of sculptured eyebrows arched as the woman acknowledged her presence and then she was making her way over to her.

"Hey, how are you," a woman held out her hand, "I'm Kym, I came as the woman in red, it was my favourite movie," she smiled crookedly.

"Ellen," she stared into her eyes as another memory arose in her mind's eye of a young substitute teacher who dropped her chalk and muttered, 'shit,' much to the amusement of the kids. She came back some six months later to become the Year Six teacher after their regular teacher was killed in a car accident. Mrs Hunt had become quite popular amongst the Year Six students, she was one of the more progressive teachers.