Embracing the Tension Ch. 01

"I gave a lot of blowjobs."

Ryan's smirk said he didn't believe it.

"Honestly? I was a little worried about it at first. But it wasn't as hard as you would have thought."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I think it's because we were approaching the whole thing from a neutral perspective. No condemnation, no glorifying, no opinion on the value of porn itself. It's about the people, a glimpse into this really taboo industry that's lived primarily in the implied privacy of an internet window. We wanted to bring those people out into the open. I think that helped them get comfortable enough to talk."

Ryan nodded. "I don't think I would have agreed to be interviewed, even with that approach."

"No, I can't see you sharing any of that stuff. I mean, that's not a bad thing." Erik rushed to clarify. "It's just not who you are."

The words hung in the air—and with them so many other words unspoken.

"You know, you don't have to keep everyone at arm's length." Erik said, his voice somber in the still darkness of night.

"I know. But people don't really get it." Ryan sounded resigned. "It's just easier this way."

No explanation was needed for Erik to understand that Ryan was talking about his past, a past that they both shared. It was true that few people could look beyond their former lives as porn stars, and sometimes it was easier to just live in isolation. Wasn't that what Erik had been doing these past few years?

Easier, perhaps. But lonely.

"Is this your hotel?"

It took a moment for Erik to recognize the generic, glass sliding doors. "Yeah, it is. You want to come up?"

Ryan regarded for a second before nodding.

In the elevator, Erik crowded into Ryan's personal space, forcing him back against the wall. The heady scent of sandalwood mixed with the bitterness of beer on Ryan's breath—a potent combination on his senses. He ran his thumb across the fullness of Ryan's lower lip, its softness highlighted by the hairs on his chin. At the touch, his lips parted, and Ryan breathed a little heavier, the air hot across Erik's thumb.

Just as he was about to lean in for a kiss, the elevator dinged and the door opened on his floor. He grinned; elevator sex was hot, but hotel-room sex was hotter.

It took him a couple of tries before he managed to get the card reader on his door to work. All the while, Ryan stood behind him, close enough for Erik to feel the warmth of another body next to his. When they finally got inside, he raided the mini bar for tiny bottles of vodka and the slightly larger bottles of beer. When offered the choice, Ryan reached for the beer.

"You've got a great view." Ryan moved to stand by the floor-to-ceiling windows below which sprawled the city of Toronto. In the near distance, the CN Tower blinked at them with its red lights.

"It faces east," Erik said, remembering that day they had stayed up all night talking and watched the new day dawn on the roof of Ryan's apartment. "Beautiful sunrises."

Erik downed one gulp of the vodka and left the half-empty bottle on the nearby coffee table. He moved behind Ryan and settled his hands on Ryan's shoulders, massaging the tense muscles he found there.

"This feels familiar," Erik whispered into Ryan's ear. He delighted in the slight shiver that ran through Ryan's body. He was less delighted when Ryan stepped away with a grin and dropped into the room's lone armchair.

"You must be proud of the film." The change of topic was less than subtle, but Erik's semi-drunk mind choose to ignore it.

"I am." He took the only other seat in the room—the bed. Stretching his legs out in front of him, he leaned back on his hands and spread out his tall frame for Ryan's perusal. Ryan's eyes were glued to the bottle in his hands.

"I think it gave me closure." Erik let his voice drop low. "My way of saying goodbye to that part of my life."

Ryan nodded, but didn't look up.

"And you? Do you feel like you have closure?"

Silence reigned as Ryan continued to study the bottle and tear at the wet label. "Yes," he said before finally looking up, his eyes meeting Erik's with such intensity that Erik had to force himself not to look away. "On our last shoot."

There was no malice in Ryan's eyes at the mention of their last scene together, the one where Ryan had to resort to drugs to endure. There was only a straightforward acceptance of having moved on from that part of his life. At the time, Erik had thought he was the one who excelled at compartmentalization, able to separate who he was with what he did to earn money. But he hadn't been able to just walk away like Ryan had; no, he had needed a years-long film project delving into the psyche of porn-industry professionals to finally extract himself from its entanglements.

Erik sat up straight. Their gazes locked, and Ryan's never once strayed to linger over Erik's body. There was something in those eyes, something that hinted at the connection they once had and perhaps could recapture. It fed the desire smoldering low in his gut, and Erik let it propel him onto the floor, kneeling in front of Ryan. He inserted himself between Ryan's spread knees and ran his hands up the tightly muscled thighs until they rested on Ryan's hips.

The advance didn't elicit the reaction Erik wanted. Ryan tensed in his seat and removed Erik's hands from his hips.

"Erik." Ryan's voice was more gravelly than usual. Beer bottle abandoned on the coffee table next to the armchair, Ryan held Erik's hands in his own, a safe distance from any sensitive zones.

"Oh. Oh, god." Erik tried pulling his hands from Ryan's grasp, but they were held tight. "I'm sorry. I just assumed—"

"No, Erik, that's not it."

"—But I shouldn't have assumed. God, I hadn't even asked if you were with someone. I'm sorry."

"Erik!" The sternness of Ryan's voice was accentuated by his tug on Erik's hands. "It's not that I don't want to. I want to," he said more softly. "And no," he continued when Erik wanted to jump in again, "I'm not with anyone. But we just reconnected." Ryan paused with a sigh. "And I promised myself a long time ago that I would save sex for a committed relationship."

Erik let Ryan's words sink in before he sat back on his heels. This time Ryan released his hands when he pulled them away. "Yeah, right. You're right. We did just reconnect. And it's smart to save sex for someone important. We've both had enough meaningless sex to last us a lifetime, huh?" Erik's chuckle was dry as he pushed himself up to standing and grabbed the half-empty vodka bottle from the coffee table.

"You are someone important."

The reflection in the window showed Ryan standing from his chair. Erik stared resolutely out into the night.

"But if we have sex again, I don't want it to be because we're both tipsy and need to get off. You're too important for that."

Erik's lack of response wasn't due to the way his throat tightened; at least, that's what he told himself.

"Look, how much longer are you in town?"

It took a couple of breaths before Erik could speak. "I leave tomorrow afternoon."

"Shit. I'm taking Chloe to the aquarium tomorrow morning." He paused and cocked his head to the side before continuing. "Want to come?"

Erik hesitated. Was it a date, or was he crashing a date? He turned to find Ryan grinning.

"Chloe's my niece. She's five."

"Are you sure?" Erik was skeptical about interfering with uncle/niece time.

"Yeah, she loves new people." The way Ryan's grin grew into a smile reminded Erik of that time when Ryan snuggled with his cat. That man loved his cat.

Hanging out at an aquarium with Ryan and his five-year-old niece—if this was a date, it was the weirdest date Erik had ever been invited to. But it also sounded like the most interesting. Oh, what the hell, what was there to lose?

"Okay, sure. I'll come." If Erik didn't know better, he would have sworn that Ryan's smile grew just a little bit brighter at his acceptance.