Enchantress

"Façade, this here's m' boss, the arch chancellor of Bugarup U, Bill Rincewind. Bill, this is the baddest spell slinging librarian on the disc, Façade Incognito."

"I'm proud to say that he's one of mine!" came another familiar voice from the stacks, Mustrum Ridcully, Archchancellor of the Unseen University, and with him was her father, the librarian who was wearing a Senior Master Librarian badge on a ribbon around his neck meaning that he was here on official business. "You look a bit different than the last time I saw you," said Ridcully to Octavia.

"It's all the rage now," said Octavia realizing that she didn't have a chance to activate a disguise spell to look like a male.

As Mustrum harumphed, Bruce said "Oy, I brought Bill here to meet the young master!" when Octavia responded with a confused look he said, "Your boy! Where's Porter?"

Nick came out of the back room wearing his traditional camouflaged robes and slouch hat. "Did somebody call me?"

"G'day mate!" called Bruce. "I was telling Bill and Mustrum about your to-do with the dingaroos when The Dean tells me that you can change into one. Quite the corker..." Suddenly standing before him was a huge, snarling, slavering dingaroo with bloody fangs and a pouch carrying half of a dead wizard, then suddenly it was Porter standing there again.

"I've been working on it. Is the blood on the fangs too much?" They barely heard him over the applause of the students.

"Best one yet Mister Porter!" called one of the cheering students.

"Honey," said Octavia, "I asked you not to do that inside." And she pointed at the ceiling.

Nick looked up and saw the cracks from when the dingaroo's head hit the ceiling. "I'm sorry hun, I'll get some plaster up there straight away." Then he noticed Mustrum Ridcully and Bill Rincewind staring at him in shock. "What?" asked Nick. He was terrified that he was in trouble for Unauthorized Metamorphoses, or Therianthropy with Criminal Intent. He had a sudden fear of being branded an Animagi like a cow, lassoed, thrown down, and a glowing red iron is brought to his...

"IIIK AHT!" {Nick stop!} growled Gula from her perch above the librarian's desk. Sometimes his fears get to her too.

"What I tell ya blokes!" cried Bruce Dinkum.

"What? What did I do?" asked Nick nervously again.

"Ook," said Octavia's father.

"Agreed," agreed Ridcully, "anyone can change into wild animal."

"It's changing back," said Bill Rincewind, "now there's the magic!" He patted a confused Nick on the back and shook his hand, "You truly are a first rate Bush Witch! A real ecksan if there ever was one. Where's that certificate Bruce gave you, I want to sign that too."

"I also, marvelous lad..." chimed in Ridcully.

"What are they talking about?" Nick asked Octavia.

"That scroll that Bruce gave you when we left."

As he dug it out of his backpack Nick muttered, "I always wondered what it said."

"You didn't read it?"

"I couldn't read when I got it." He handed it to Octavia's father who rolled it out on the desk and the wizards gathered around to sign it. Since everyone was crowded around the table signing the document, and now Octavia was in line to sign it too, Nick made a motion with his hand and the words of the document appeared above the assembled wizards, in glowing gold script, where everyone could read it.

"Let it be known to all you polmy bastards who read this document, that the ballsy bloke before you

Porter Strongback

Is a bloody Bush Witch in good fucking standing with the Wizards of the

Bugarup University of Magic, Augury, Incantation, and Beer

Bugarup, XXXX"

The document went on to describe faithfulness to the brotherhood and other such gimgaws. As Nick was reading, the entire library went dark, lightning flashed, thunder rumbled and a tall, elegant slim woman with milk white skin, jet black hair, and burgundy red lips which matched her eyes stepped out of the stacks and announced, "I vant to sign ze paper," accompanied by another flash of lightning and crash of thunder. All stood aside while Lucricia von Überwald stepped forward, the only member of the Überwald family who is both vampire and werewolf of the primarily werewolf family. She's the fanged sheep of the family.

"She's a bloodsucking bitch," snarled Gaspode from behind Nick.

"Yes," whispered Octavia, "but she's also the overseer of the largest private magical library on the disc, and her librarian, Igor, is the only Chief Master Librarian on the disc. We can't recertify this library without him."

"Growl, growl," said Gaspode. His sentiments were echoed by Gula high above.

"Shall ve start?" asked Lady Überwald. "Ze night vill soon be young and ve vill be cutting into my..." she paused for dramatic effect, "...playtime." Lightning flashed and thunder rolled right on queue.

The Dean stood by nervously as the three ranked librarians began inspecting every book on the shelf to insure the Dewey Decimal tag was properly affixed, the books were in the proper location, and the shelves were clearly labeled. This inspection could be the end of the college if the library isn't certified. He sagged into a chair and nervously mopped his brow.

Seeing the Dean sitting down caused a thought to suddenly spring to Octavia's mind. Furniture! She turned to the assembled students and said, "Go! Scour the campus, look for any book propping up a table leg or being used as a trivet for a coffee service, anything like that, GO!" They scattered throughout the campus while Nick remained behind to keep the Archchancelors and Lady Überwald entertained as the students searched.

"So, you're a vampire AND a werewolf," said Nick, trying to make conversation. "How do you decide what form to take when you attack someone?"

"Zat depends my little morsal" said the mysterious woman as she traced a long, elegant finger along the leather strap holding his eyepatch in place. "Am I zirsty, or am I peckish?"

Igor looked and saw that Lady Überwald was fascinated with Nick's missing eye and said, "I could get you a replathement for that eye, marthter."

Nick studied Igor's head; Igors are self-made men and like all Igors, his face was an amazing amalgam of spare parts that are an Igor's stock in trade. Bent nose, off center mouth, at least one too many ears. Igor did indeed work with eyes, one of his was a beautiful sapphire blue and a full inch higher than the other eye which was brown and very large. Nick assumed that it came from a cow.

"Thanks, if we survive our mission, I'll look you up."

"Marvelous pun marthter," said Igor and he went back to work.

Octavia raced in, her face glowing in excitement and she clutched a book to her sumptuous chest. "We got it!" she cried, her voice rich with excitement and she molded her body to Nick's and they kissed one of those head spinning kisses that even break other people's hearts when they end.

As their kiss went on, Igor turned to Lucricia von Überwald and said, "I do not think the young marthter will take an interetht in you mithtreth."

"I am afraid you are right Igor, I must schtudy this enchantress to zee vat schpell she casts. Back to work."

"Yeth mithtreth."

Finally with a sigh and a bit of a gasp, Nick and Octavia's lips parted and she showed him the book, Aleister Gardner and the Thaumaturgical Prestidigitation of Time and Space, a Primer. It was ratty and aged and covered with rings from an untold number of coffee cups, the damage to the cover showed that it spent the last decade face down on the faculty coffee bar absorbing spills while holding the collected coffee cups.

Returned to its home, the book began to gasp as magical life returned to it, then it began to flap, finally free from the weight of the cups and saucers. "It's ok boy, relax!" whispered Octavia as they took it back to the back room. Nick carefully removed the cover and began the restoration project as Octavia began copying the verses she needed for the spell. Like the other books, the verses were not all in one location, she had to move back and forth in the text to find the verses of the spell and get them in the right order. It was hours of work but in the end she had one third of the spell written down and Nick had the cover finished and ready to go back on the book.

While Octavia gushed over the cover of a three hundred year old book, Nick poured over the word salad that Octavia gained from the text. "I'm glad I don't have to read this mess," said Nick out loud. It was the first words spoken out loud in several hours, all afternoon long they've been conversing on a different level.

"A spell this powerful kind of reads itself. If it's in the right order, you're only conscious of the first few lines."

"Who said that?"

"Rincewind." But Nick thought she was referring to Bill Rincewind, the archchancellor of Bugarup University, but she was referring to an entirely different Rincewind. She meant the Rincewind whose actions turned her father into an orangutan, the Rincewind that traveled across the disc twice and eventually became the only man to fall off the edge and return alive.

"Ok, Rincewind. Good man."

Octavia looked at Nick like he was crazy as her foster father knuckled into the room. "Ook?"

"There's the book, it's in the clamp while the glue dries, wait until you see the cover! Nick even redid the gold leaf on the lettering on the cover... It's just beautiful." But the librarian noticed that his daughter was looking at the one eyed Bush Witch when she said that. What a man this boy is growing up to be!

"Ook?"

"Thaumatin Velum?" said Octavia and Nick at the same time. They looked at each other in confusion, never had the term Thaumatin Velum come into any of their acquired knowledge.

"There hasn't been a new scrap of Thaumatin Velum around Ecksas for fifty years," said Bruce. "You can write a spell all you want on bloody parchment but it won't work. A bloke needs the Thaumatin Velum to fire off a spell. That's why there's been no new spells recorded for decades, the stocks of Thaumatin Velum have been used up."

"The spell books in your secured section of the library were written on Thaumatin Velum," said Mustrum Ridcully, "the rest of the books are parchment and normal velum so the spells in them are not accidentally cast."

"Ja, maykink Thhaumatin Velum is a lost art," said Lucricia von Überwald as she entered the back room where the couple was gasping in disbelief.

"I mutht dithagree mithtreth," said Igor as he steeled himself for a slap from his mistress. Seeing none coming he continued, "An old woman in the Ram Topth holdth the thecret, Nanna Partridge ith her name. Thee is a withhh, a withhh..."

"Nanna Partridge?" asked Ridcully. "A bit of a witch that one."

"Yeth, whith. Thee ith a whith." Ridcully handed the self-made man a dish towel to dry himself off.

"Sweet ol' dame that Nanna Partridge, lives up by Creel Springs. She used to let me fish her stream and pond." Ridcully's eyes rolled back as he was lost in fond memories of days gone by.

"Where does she live? How do we find her?" begged a nearly hysterical Octavia.

"Don't let this new look of yours go to your head young sir," Mustrum scolded Octavia, he still has her previous identity as a male swordsman in mind. "Besingger Floyd's personal library is still up there maybe that's on your network." Ridcully has no idea how L-Space works and he's not about to go fooling around with anything that has anything to do with science. "When their witch Granny Hopliss died they hired a wizard, Ol' Besingger and he built a library up there. When he died Nanna Partridge moved into Granny Hopliss cottage up Bear Mountain. Such good trout fishing..." and he was lost in memory again.

Octavia sighed, one more hurdle to leap. Velum was animal hide that has been replaced now that paper is being made large scale, but she could think of a source. "Bruce? Any chance you can ask Bruce to provide us with some velum? Just in case we get the secret we can make some."

"Piece of piss mate! That sheep skin we gave you came from one of his sheep."

"I can think of forty I wouldn't mind skinning," said Nick as his eye socket began itching when sheep were mentioned.

"I'll let Bruce know, they've been producing velum and storing it up for years hoping it makes a comeback."

Wordlessly {that anyone could hear} Nick and Octavia packed their backpacks and drew their robes around them and headed for the stacks. Before entering the rows of shelves, they made sure that Gula and Gaspode were ready to go, Mesquite wasn't happy about the renewed trip, but she quit dragging her feet and followed along. Seeing the Dean sitting dejected, knowing that he was in for a lecture from the librarians and Ridcully, Nick called to Ridcully, "Archchancellor, please insure that the Dean knows for certain who saved his college for him."

When the Librarian finished hugging his daughter he waddled over to Nick and shook Nick's hand and very softly said, "ook."

Nick leaned over and whispered in his ear, "I love her too, I'll bring her back safe."

As they disappeared into the stacks Lady von Überwald turned to Mustrum and asked, "Vie did choo not tell zee youngsters zat zee Nanna Partridge ist dead?"

Mustrum thought as he nibbled on a scone that the dean provided then said, "Dead? It never slowed that old girl down."

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As usual they stopped halfway through their journey and Octavia dashed off on her mystery errand. "We should go see what she's doing," complained Gaspode.

"Now Gaspode, I made a promise and I'm going to stick to it, ok?"

"You take all the fun out of being devious," grumbled Gaspode as Octavia emerged from the stacks.

"Did I miss anything?" she asked as Nick got to his feet.

"Just guy talk," said Nick as he kissed Octavia. Their kisses were taking longer and longer and each one became reluctant to break the kiss, but they had to go, they needed to see Nana Partridge. As they headed down new shelves of books the language looked like what they were used to, but the subject matter became highly agricultural, a field of foreign study for a city boy like Nick and an academic like Octavia.

The aisles grew terribly close together, so narrow that they had to take off their packs and walk sideways. As they traveled it seemed like they were walking for ages and at one point Mesquite cried "Make her stop!"

Nick turned around to see that Gula was holding Mesquite near the base forcing Mesquite to drag the grinning gargoyle through the aisles.

"If you two don't knock it off, we're turning right around and heading back to Ankh-Morpork... so help me I'll do it too!" snarled Nick.

"He's ready," grinned Octavia to Gaspode.

Finally, they squeezed through a narrow aisle and entered a dry, dusty bookstore that looked like no one had been in there for decades. A workbench was set up to repair old books and plenty of inks and pens were there to facilitate an artist in illuminating a manuscript. There were two benches and tables that appeared to be designed for people to write, or copy documents, manuscripts, and entire books. "A scriptorium," gasped Octavia in awe.

"A school!" gasped Nick who always wanted to go to school.

Nick looked around and realized that he was in heaven. Octavia instilled a love of books in him that rivaled his love for her. He could sit in here all day and repair family heirlooms, copy important documents, translate mysterious grimoires, and maybe (dare I think it?) {do it! Dare!} write his own book.

Octavia discovered a desk she could work at researching spells and improving them and plans to write down exactly what an Enchantress really is began to formulate. Out from the stories and tales of the past to the female wizards of the Millenia of the Dazed Cockroach!

The front windows were so dusty it was impossible to see outside, and the door was locked preventing them from leaving, Octavia discovered a powerful spell securing the door, windows, walls and ceiling; the only way in or out was through L-Space, but the spell now prevented them from escaping through that route. There on the dusty front door hung an envelope that was addressed to "The New Owner" facing inward. Nick looked at Octavia and she said, "We don't have time to spend playing games, if we end up owning a bookstore, we'll deal with it later."

Nick agreed then opened up the envelope and read the letter inside.

"Dear Façade and Porter

Or should I call you Octavia and Nick? The keys for the door is in the top desk drawer, everything else is self-explanatory. Congratulations on your new bookstore! I hope you have many years of joy here. Sincerely,

Besingger Floyd, Wizard. Requiescat in pac, Sectober twenty second, Year of the Emasculated Prawn."

"Year of the Emasculated Prawn," gasped Nick. He counted on his fingers for a moment and said, "that was forty three years ago." Octavia tried the door again but the door latch just glared at her angrily so Nick turned to Mesquite and said, "You're a magical object, can't you talk with the latch?"

"I tried, but it said it has orders."

Nick and Octavia looked at each other and sighed, they now own a bookstore. Nick opened the drawer on the wizards old desk and was greeted with a tiny shower of confetti that sprang up from the drawer and a tiny voice cried "Hurray! You own a business!"

Nick took two comically large skeleton keys out of the drawer and handed one to Octavia. "It will never fit," she groaned and turned to the door, but when she held the key up to the tiny latch lock, it fit. The dry, rusty lock squeaked and groaned but opened without any more effort than it took to insert the key. {She didn't realize it, but both keys were Master Keys and could open almost any lock. They were created by the wizard Besingger Floyd and were perfect for a thief {{which he was not}} or a peeping Tom {{which he was}}}

They stepped out of the {their!} bookstore and were greeted with a sight that utterly shocked and terrified Nick - utterly and completely transparent air. The air of Four Ecks was reddish brown and smelled of dust, and the air of Ankh-Morpork was a healthy yellowish gray tint and it had some bite to it, some zing, some flavor, a robust, soul stirring stench that could cause a round world homeowner to sing out, "Who didn't flush?"

The air here at Creel Springs was clear, fresh and smelled of pine, fresh cut hay, and spring wildflowers, alien odors that terrified Nick. Octavia too was overwhelmed, she spent almost all of her life inside libraries, classrooms, and bookstores. The forests and the streams were too beautiful to comprehend, and the sight of the mountain was overwhelming! The towering behemoth was covered in trees and forests until for some reason those ornaments stopped and it was bare rock all the way to the snow covered peak, henceforth the name, Bear Mountain. {Homonyms are the bane of the small rural kingdom of Lancre}.

As they stood gaping at the alien scenery, an older couple came up and the bent man said, "You must be Nick and Octavia. We're Homlette and Ophilia d'Marhk."

"You must be psychic!" gasped Nick as Octavia's jaw dropped in surprise.

"No, but we can read," the gaffer said and used his cane to point to the sign over the door of the ancient clapboard building. The sign read "Opening Soon! Big Price Cuts! Nick and Octavia's Bookstore. Family Discounts! Honest Appraisals! Lancre Proud!"

After introductions, the old man's wife Ophilia asked, "when is the opening day?"