Erin on the Gambling Table Ch. 03

"I need control, Erin. I'm addicted to it. I need it in the same way I need water or air. Everything I ever do in my life is about control. Without it, I don't know what to do; I can't function. When I can't control a person, I can't trust, or love or anything... except for you. You put my mind upside down. I just... I care so much about you... I needed so desperately to control you... I got obsessed... I couldn't wait... I didn't realize what I was doing until it was too late."

"You asked me why I punished you the other day. When I woke up and you weren't there, I panicked; I thought you had escaped. When I finally calmed down, I couldn't stop thinking about it; I didn't understand what had happened. I knew the manor was extremely secure; that's why I had allowed you to walk around freely in the first place. And until that point I was so confident I had you right where I wanted you. I thought we were inches away. It was so close I could almost taste it. But none of that stopped me from panicking."

"I never wanted to hurt you. Not truly. Not like that. In my head this was supposed to work out differently. I knew you were submissive, I knew you were masochistic, even if you didn't know it yourself. You... learn to detect those kinds of things in people's behavior."

"I know you, remember? You just... Baby, you try so hard. You put everything into making other people happy. But it's never enough. It's never enough because they're always expecting you to be what they think will make you happy. Nobody has ever tried to guide you. Nobody has ever been interested in who you are and what would actually make you happy. I thought I could show you. I wanted to show you. And maybe at the beginning it would be a little bit rough but that wouldn't matter because you would learn to love that part of yourself, you would... grow used to this life, once you understood it was made for you. I... I know it sounds insane... but that's how far gone I was."

"That moment was the end. I realized that was never going to happen. The only reason I felt confident was because I was keeping you under total control, but the second it cracked even a little bit I... I can't give away control without feeling something horrible is going to happen, so I was never going to be able to relax even for a second around you. My entire life I was going to have to live in this perpetual paranoia. And then this fantasy world I had built in my head, protected by ten million excuses, went down in flames, and I saw clearly what I'd done."

Cassius paused for a moment to take a sip before continuing. He was doing his best to keep his full composure, but his voice was starting to come out a bit weaker.

"So here it goes. A final attempt to make things right. I sent all the staff away for the rest of the day and unlocked all features of the house. Your personal documents are on the table in the dining room, next to $50,000 in cash, and the keys to my car; it's a red Maserati, you'll find it in the garage. You can take anything you want from the mansion. I won't stop you. I won't ever look for you again. If I happen to see you on the street, I'll walk in a different direction. You're free."

For a moment, she remained silent, more cynical than anything else; unsure of what to think, or feel, or say about his words. That was Cassius in a way she had never seen him before. He looked exposed and heartbroken. But she knew too much about him to trust it was the truth.

"What is this?" she asked. Her voice came out as an uncertain whisper as she was trying to break through the situation, "Are you tired of me already? Did you decide that I wasn't that important after all?"

Cassius had to take another sip of to be able to answer. He was talking and moving very slowly.

"I can't think of a single thing more painful than watching you walk away... but I won't keep doing this. I can't. I'm not going to force you to stay if it would make you miserable. I can't live in perpetual paranoia, needing to know where you are every single second. That's no life, for either of us. And I'm not willing to do to you the kinds of things I would have to do, to be sure you wouldn't escape. I refuse. I care about you too much."

An odd kind of anger began invading her. She wasn't sure if it was something she had ever felt before. She was upset at Cassius for doing what he was doing to her, while at the same time, she was struggling to understand what exactly the situation was that she was becoming upset about. That didn't seem like a joke, but there was no way he was being serious about letting her go.

"I don't believe you. After all you did to me, I'm supposed to believe you're now willing to just let me go? I could call the police and they would lock you up forever!"

"You should," he mused. Erin's almost fell backwards when she heard him utter those words.

"Don't joke around with this kind of thing!"

"I'm not joking around. It would be the right thing to do."

Another moment passed in silence as she kept staring at him perplexed. She refused to believe he was being serious.

"No... No, you're trying to trick me. Listen to you! You're not even going to try and convince me to stay?!" she shouted in disbelief.

Cassius was staring at the bottom of the empty glass. It wasn't because of a lack of ideas. When he had imagined that moment, he had thought about ten million different things he wanted to say. Then he had stopped to think if any of it would have any impact whatsoever, and understood it was hopeless.

"There's nothing I can say now that's going to change what I've been doing for the past month. I'm not going to negotiate with you, or lie to you, or promise you that things will change because they won't... You've seen who I am, and what I enjoy. I just... I hope that despite everything, you enjoyed being here with me. All I really wanted was to make you happy."

Silence engulfed the room. Neither of them could find anything else to say. Erin stayed frozen for a moment, transfixed by the sight in front of her.

The moment she finally accepted he was being sincere, she stormed out of the room without saying another word, trying to be as quick as possible about it, fearing he might change his mind, leaving him with only the sound of her footsteps echoing through the halls before fading away completely. Everything was as he had told her: not a soul was around the house, everything was unlocked, and her passport, credit cards and phone were right were he said they'd be, next to the keys to the Maserati and a black envelope; she counted the money and it was in fact $50.000. Her heart was racing. She was free.

Without wasting a second, she ran to the garage and found the car. More than once she had to look over her shoulder to make sure he wasn't following her. Every time, she genuinely expected to see him; she expected him to change his mind and rush to get her, but he didn't.

She sat in the car and gingerly moved her hands over the steering wheel, almost caressing it, trying to make sure what was happening was real. She could feel her spine tingling and her heart jumping. She was going to be able to go back home and be her own person once again. But when she went to start the car, her mind drifted to the image of Cassius heartbroken in that chair, and her hand froze.

"No! Start the car now!" she told herself, but her muscles wouldn't move. Now that she was over the initial shock and disbelief, the whole situation was sinking in and a multitude of different emotions were rushing inside her.

It was like two wild animals fighting inside of her mind, trying to split her apart. One half of her kept yelling to start the car, that this was the chance she had waited for an entire month, scolding her for giving two thoughts about that evil man. The other couldn't help but think about her high school friend alone and heartbroken. What he had done to her was horrible, but he sounded so sincere, so regretful, and she couldn't help but feel bad for him. She hated him for making her feel that way.

She simply didn't feel ready to leave. Cassius had said all he had wanted to say, but she hadn't. In fact, in that entire month, where she had wanted to scream, and cry, and laugh, and curse more than anytime before in her life, she had gotten almost no chance for emotional release, and now she had all these emotions boiling up inside of her, threatening to burst through her chest. She couldn't leave without confronting him; she would regret it for her entire life.

She got out of the car, slamming the door, and marched back into the bedroom, loudly stomping on the floor, thinking about all the things she wanted to scream at him. He was going to have to listen to her whether he wanted it or not.

She found him still sitting in that chair. He looked like he hadn't moved a muscle since she left. Even the glass was still empty.

"You are a horrible person. Do you know that?" she told him angrily. Erin was standing firmly in front of him, frowning, her cheeks puffed and her finger pointed accusatory. Cassius couldn't help but stare at her. Part of him was shocked she had returned. Part of him almost didn't care that she was angry, he was still glad she was back, even for a moment.

"I... Sounds like that could be true..." He mumbled, shrugging slightly. It was half a joke, born out of his nervousness, in an attempt to defuse the tension. He simply never expected to see her again, and wasn't too sure what to say anymore. Erin didn't smile even a little. If anything, it made her angrier.

"Oh, fuck you!" she snapped, "don't you fucking dare joke around right now! I hate you so much..."

She began getting flustered and more agitated. It seemed like the more she tried to organize her thoughts, the more chaotic it got inside her mind. She closed her eyes and decided she would stop trying to figure out what she was feeling and simply let the words come out instead.

"Why do I even care what happens to you?" she yelled, gesticulating wildly. Her words were directed towards him but it almost sounded like she was arguing with herself, "You might be the worst human being I've ever met! You sent armed men to break into my home and drag me away in the middle of the night. You lied to the people close to me. You raped me, you deceived me, you enslaved me and took away my choice. And I know you drugged me, that day we visited the beach for the first time. Justine told me."

"It was just an aphrodisiac..." he tried to explain. Erin didn't let him finish talking; she was not in the mood for excuses.

"Cassius, I don't fucking care what it was! What in the world possessed you to think you had the right to do any of that?!"

"Do you think that you know people? That you are seductive or charismatic? That you just understand other people's minds while stupid little girls like me just go around stumbling through life? Devious is what you are. You learn people's weaknesses to manipulate them. It's all you ever do! You did it to Ryan, you've been doing it to me, god knows how many people you've done it to. I had no secrets with you... and you used that to take advantage of me."

For the very first time she felt she was the intimidating one. It was almost terrifying how caught up in her anger she was getting but the flood gates were open. She felt unable to stop shouting.

"You know what's the worst part? You didn't even have the decency to be cruel to me so I could hate you the way I wanted to hate you. You forced me to enjoy it. You made me addicted to you against my will. Do you have any idea how painful that is? Fine, you figured out something about me that I didn't even know myself. Yes, I did enjoy everything you did to me. Deeply enjoyed it. But I wasn't ready for you to expose me to that part of myself, and you didn't care, you just decided it was going to happen and I had to like it!"

"And now... Now that you've broken my defenses, now that you put me through all the emotional struggle, now that you've forced me to accept all of this, now that you've shown me all of these things about myself that I didn't want to see... now you come and say 'you're free to leave'?!"

"How can you even live with yourself? You, despicable, unbelievable... You're the most self-centered, egotistical jerk in the entire world!"

The room echoed with the sound of her forceful voice for a few seconds. He didn't allow himself to look at her; he was too ashamed.

She stopped yelling for a moment to catch her breath. Screaming at him was almost therapeutic, but the sheer raw emotion of the moment was too much. She started breathing slower to calm herself down and could feel her mind settling down as she did. The room became almost silent again for a moment, with only the sound of her deep breaths cutting through the quiet.

Erin sat on the edge of the bed and continued looking at him. Cassius was still slouching on his chair, silent, his eyes fixed on the ground, his head resting against his left hand while his right hand was holding the glass and moving it around slowly. It almost looked like he was not listening to her, but she knew every word was echoing deep inside him.

"You know why this hurts?" she continued in a much calmer tone. Tears began slowly running down her cheeks, "because you're better than this. I know you are. I remember my friend and he was a great person. And if right now you feel heartbroken, if you feel disgusted with yourself, it's your own fucking fault. You're the exact kind of person I was hoping would show up in my life. None of this had to happen. And for you to say that you wanted things to stay the same... How can you think that things could ever be the same after what you did?"

She paused again to wipe her tears away and sighed a little. She wanted the next part to come out exactly as she intended. For the first time in a month, her mind was now calm. For the first time she knew exactly what she wanted and how she felt.

"I want to go home," she began, firmly but calmly, "Occasionally, I mean. My family and my friends are important to me. I want to buy clothes; I like owning them, looking at them, trying them on. Fashion is part of me. And even if I can't wear them around the house, at least when going out I will. I want a safe-word; nothing you've done so far would've made me use it, but that doesn't matter, I don't feel comfortable without one. I want new mantras, kinder ones. I don't want to see that electroshock device ever again. And I want you to rehire Justine and bring her along with us. You're not taking her away from me; it's your fault that I can't live without her cooking."

Very slowly, Cassius lifted his head and moved his eyes to meet hers, as her words started to take him out of his trance. His gaze showed no emotion, nothing other than a deep attention to her.

"I want to stay here, if you can agree to those things," she told him in the same calm tone.

He examined her face, wondering if she was toying with him. He wouldn't have blamed her if she had wanted to make him suffer before letting him down. Not seeing any hint of a joke in her expression didn't give him any happiness, just bewilderment.

"Why?" he prompted.

"You know why..."

She paused for an instant in order to breathe deeply and feel the words inside her. Her voice became sweeter than ever. She had struggled to answer that question to herself before. Now she understood.

"I love you."

Her answer felt like a heavy weight was lifted off of her shoulders. A doubtful look across his face told her he didn't believe her. She began softly crying again, unable to hold her emotions.

"I love you. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe it's Stockholm Syndrome, I don't know... but I love you. You were right about me. You were right about everything. I wish you had shown me in a different way, but you were right. I love you."

"Do you know how I know? Because I can't stop myself from crying when I see you like that. I want to see you happy, and I can't stand it when you're down. It hurts me. Nobody has ever made me feel the way you do. Nobody has ever told me I was good enough. So please just smile at me and tell me you'll never let me go. I love you."

"After everything I did?" he mumbled perplexed.

"There's nothing you've done for which I can't forgive you. All I ever wanted was for you to give me the opportunity to make a choice. You have a dark side. Apparently so do I. It's all right. I believe you when you say you didn't mean to hurt me. I know you regret what you did."

She reached to the nightstand and retrieved the collar, then took off her clothes slowly and knelt before him, holding her hair with one hand and offering him the collar with the other.

"Put it on me," she whispered, looking at him adoringly.

Cassius still didn't move. He wasn't sure he was not dreaming, and he wasn't sure he could go through with it after all he had done.

Erin threw herself on him, putting her hands around him and whispering slowly and sweetly in his ear.

"Put it on me. It's what I want. I want to obey you. I want to be weak beside you. I can't resist when you tell me to do something, and if you want to use me, I'll be yours. I need you; you've made me need you. Without you, I'd be lost. I want you to caress me and tell me I'm gorgeous. I need it. I need your touch and your lips. I need your warmth next to me. Please don't ever make me leave. I surrender, Master. I love you."

Cassius smiled blissfully and his near-stupor finally broke completely. He could feel the warmth and color returning to his face. He embraced her tightly, squeezing her a little, and breathed deeply, taking in the scent of her perfume.

"I love you too, kitten."

Carefully he knelt her in front of him again and put the rose gold collar around her neck. No words were needed. His smile was all she needed to see to know how perfect it looked on her. Erin was still crying, but this time of happiness.

"Have I ever told you you're such a cry baby?" he joked, and both of them laughed.

"I'm sorry for what I did."

"I forgive you, Master."

---

The day was June 15. Exactly one year had passed since that day where it all began.

Last year's events were long behind them. They had decided it would be better if they kept it a secret. As far as everyone in both of their lives were concerned, that month had been a peaceful yoga retreat in which two old friends found each other again, at the other end of the world. It made for a heartwarming story. No one knew, and no one would ever know.

Erin's family were elated with the news. They were always worried about the girl's either chaotic or non-existent love life, so it was wonderful to hear she had found some stability, even if they thought, at first, outright moving in with Cassius after a month was a little rushed. Traveling and living in Rosethorn Manor inevitably distanced her a little bit, but he made sure she was there for important occasions.

Erin had closed down her company. Cassius had made it clear he didn't want her working. It hadn't been easy to say goodbye to something she had put so much effort into, but she knew he was right. It was nothing more than a source of stress and worries. Closing it didn't mean she gave up on her passion for designing clothes, though; she started doing it as a hobby, and without problems or stress, she was able to enjoy it again.

Justine was still around. Erin wasn't sure exactly what name to give to the role the French girl played in her life, but she knew Justine was her best friend—sometimes a little more, when they felt playful— and that life simply was not complete without her cheerfulness and her wonderful delicacies. It was not something Cassius had planned, but it was a surprise he welcomed. Even though Erin was his, he didn't mind giving her permission to play with her friend from time to time.