Eureka

Sunday 3rd March

11.35pm - As I lay in bed, unable to sleep due to an ever-growing anticipation, I write this by way of a prologue to the journal that will document what I expect to be my most ambitious experiment to date - the testing and assessment of a natural elixir for arresting the ageing process.

Downstairs, my laboratory awaits me newly furnished and fully equipped. And upstairs, already ensconced in her bed chamber, I've secured the full-time services of a Miss Constance Goodbody, a somewhat severe seeming but well regarded spinster, who has agreed to act as both my assistant and my housekeeper during the period of experimentation.

As for the elixir itself, following months of thorough and dedicated research, I am convinced that I have within in me the ingredient key to its ultimate success, namely: reproductive semen.

It is my hypothesis that, imbued as it is with so many of the natural building blocks for human life, regular consumption of fresh semen will prove naturally efficacious in restoring and reinvigorating bodily tissues and fluids that advancing age has atrophied.

To that end, from tomorrow, I will be extracting samples of semen from myself, three times a day, and consuming them in a solution of milk and honey (to aid transit and absorption).

If my theory is correct, I am hopeful of seeing and appreciating a whole swathe of positive regenerative effects within a month of regular testing.

As such, I feel that tomorrow cannot come soon enough.

Monday 4th March.

9.00am (Extraction #1) - Even before commencement, Miss Goodbody has proved her worth to the experimental process by raising a number of extremely pertinent points regarding the method and validity of testing.

Firstly, she suggested that the efficacious effects of semen produced and then consumed by a single individual might be negated by any number of unknown or unforeseen biological factors. And that, because of this, the credibility of the experiment might then be brought into question by any subsequent peer review were this particular method of testing adopted. To address this potential problem, she proposed that it be her - an entirely independent and biologically unrelated subject - and not me, on whom the elixir should be tested. And, lastly, she suggested that diluting my semen in any kind of solution might compromise or degrade its restorative properties and that, if she were the subject of the testing, she would readily take it undiluted and unadulterated.

As I struggled to find fault in any of her arguments, I agreed with her proposals.

So it transpired that, after witnessing the extraction, Miss Goodbody accepted my first sample and consumed it without a moments hesitation.

I must add that I find Miss Goodbody's early enthusiasm for the experiment most encouraging.

3.00pm (Extraction #2) - Miss Goodbody's enthusiasm grows.

Not only does she consume my sample with gusto, but she has now insisted on taking charge of the collection vessel during extraction as a precaution against any accidental loss of semen during the throes of ejaculation.

9.00pm (Extraction #3) - Following the extraction of a slightly depleted sample, I am beginning to wonder if this thrice-daily procedure is asking too much of me. But, once again, Miss Goodbody seems to have the answer. She has offered to prepare me an aqueous tonic of pineapple, honey and pumpkin seeds three times-a-day to both nourish me and prevent any further depletion of ejaculate.

As it is Miss Goodbody (and not me) who is now the subject of the testing, I have had to rethink my assessment strategy. Although I'm certain to modify it at some point in the future, to begin with I have decided that I will simply observe and record her physical and mental conditions and note any significant changes.

Whilst I feel it far too premature to believe that the elixir could have had any real effect on her yet, I am, nevertheless, heartened to observe a lessoning in the severity of Miss Goodbody's demeanor.

And so, I end this first day of experimentation in good spirits, hopeful that testing will continue in a similar vein tomorrow and that further progress will be made.

Tuesday 5th March.

6.00am - I was awoken early by a good humoured Miss Goodbody who then proceeded to administer me my new and quite delicious tonic.

9.00am (Extraction #4) - Following her consumption of the first sample of the day, Miss Goodbody brought to my attention another consideration for the betterment of the experiment.

She suggested that the formula of my semen might be enriched by an increase in my state of arousal during extraction. She stated that the positive chemical reactions and euphoria brought on by a more heightened state of excitedness would not only improve the constituents of my samples, but it would also aid my delivery of such.

And, again, it was a very compelling argument.

She said she would, therefore, give consideration as to how she might enhance the experiment accordingly during the next extraction.

3.00pm (Extraction #5) - I have to admit that, over the course of the day, I'd allowed myself to become a tad sceptical at the aforementioned notion of semen enrichment. But when Miss Goodbody appeared in the laboratory having dispensed of her usual white blouse and dark pinafore, in favour of a white linen basque and white cotton bloomers, I was prompted to reconsider. And when she commented that the subsequent extraction was the best yet, in terms of expulsion, quantity, quality and taste, I can only conclude that her theory must be correct.

9.00pm (Extraction #6) - The experiment's first mishap.

Because of either an oversight or lapse in concentration on my part, I was unable to deliver my sample to the collection vessel as required. Due to the quick thinking and commitment of Miss Goodbody, however, all was far from lost.

Continuing her pursuance of her theory of semen enrichment through stimulation, Miss Goodbody attended this extraction wearing only her bloomers. As a result, I found that, for reasons unknown to me, I delivered my sample to her naked chest instead of in the allotted collection vessel (which, as it turns out, she had absentmindedly left on the laboratory counter). Fortunately, Miss Goodbody, being sharp of mind and ample of bosom was able to salvage the entire sample using physical manipulation and an impressive dexterity of tongue.

Does her dedication know no bounds?

It is worth noting at the end of this second day of assessment (and with the addition of having witnessed Miss Goodbody in a partial state of undress) that I believe her overall condition to be more vital than previously observed. Her long, dark hair seems more lustrous (especially now she wears it down), her eyes seem clearer and brighter and her countenance more flushed. She also appears much less stern and far more engaging.

Could it be at all possible that the elixir is taking effect even at this early juncture? I will remain diligent in my observations.

Wednesday 6th March.

9.00am (Extraction #7) - Following another early start, yet another breakthrough.

Having completely dispensed of her clothing altogether and keen to avoid a repeat of yesterday's collection mishap, Miss Goodbody urged me to deliver my sample to her orally.

I did wonder whether the sight of her kneeling down and staring up at me wide-eyed and open mouthed might be a little off-putting, and whether it would then jeopardise the extraction process. But my fears were allayed when I delivered a copious sample quickly and accurately.

If this method of extraction is too continue, however, I will suggest to Miss Goodbody that she kneel on a cushion as it would seem, from her quiet moaning, that she finds the hard stone floor uncomfortable. I will also have her lay a fire in the grate to alleviate any chill that she evidently feels.

3.00pm (Extraction #8) - More refinement by Miss Goodbody. What an absolute wonder she is proving to be. She leaves nothing to chance and no stone unturned in her pursuit of the perfect experimental conditions.

To further reduce the possibility of any accidental loss of sample, Miss Goodbody suggested that she should carry out the entire extraction process orally from here on. And, once again, I could not fault her logic.

The skill with which she orally stimulated my testicles was a revelation. And her ability to accommodate my entire appendage certainly proved beneficial to the delivery of my sample directly into her oesophagus.

I can confirm that at no point was any sample spilled or wasted, as her devotion to the experiment (and my genitalia) continued long after the extraction was completed.

I did note, however, that the fire she lit did nothing to halt her shivering throughout the extraction. I will raise the issue of increasing the number of fires about the household with her in due course.

9.00pm (Extraction #9) - An unexpected turn.

I was fearful that Miss Goodbody might have experienced some form of allergic reaction to my sample this evening.

Continuing, as we did, with the oral method of extraction, I observed Miss Goodbody gasping and shaking uncontrollably just after my ejaculation. It seemed, for all intents and purposes, as though she was caught in the grip of some sort of seizure. When, some moments later, she regained a level of composure sufficient enough to respond to my concerns, she did, however, assure me that all was well. Very well. And I found it difficult to refute her assertions, given how well she did indeed appear.

Save for this slight episode, Miss Goodbody continues to exhibit a profound shift in the nature of her disposition. She is vibrant and welcoming and has taken to singing whilst carrying out her daily duties.

Increasing the levels and frequency of the household fires has evidently done the trick too as I now often observe Miss Goodbody wandering about the house in the same state of undress as she adopts in the laboratory.

Thursday 7th March.

5.50am - I found myself concerned once more for the well-being of Miss Goodbody, when I was roused from my slumber by a series of loud gasps and cries emanating from the direction of her bed chamber. But I was immediately put at ease when she entered my room, a few minutes later, fresh-faced and smiling, baring my usual tonic as well as a small glass tumbler half filled with a different liquid. She informed me that this was another tonic of her own making and felt confident that I would find it to my liking. And, given all that she'd done previously, who was I to doubt her?

Though this second tonic was quite different to the first - much more syrupy in nature - I did indeed find it most appealing and consumed it with great relish.

9.00am (Extraction #10) - Yet another example of Miss Goodbody's aptitude for medical experimentation and yet another improvement to testing.

Following extensive research, she informs me that a widening of the scope for sample absorption might result in more rapid and positive test results. She followed this notion by also suggesting that there existed the distinct possibility that the digestive juices present in the human stomach might, in some way, erode the potency of a sample. In support of the former, and to counter the latter, she has proposed that, starting today, each 3.00pm extraction should be delivered rectally.

I feel blessed to have such an astute, methodical and altruistic individual in my employ. She will surely prove herself indispensable in the field of experimental medicine once her tenure with me is at an end.

3.00pm (Extraction #11) - Both Miss Goodbody and the testing continue to go from strength to strength.

On entering the laboratory in her now usual state of undress, Miss Goodbody got down on her hands and knees and readied herself for the extraction by using two or three of her fingers liberally slathered in butter from the kitchen. It must have been a considerable exertion given the breathlessness with which she subsequently informed me she was ready to accept my sample. And that breathlessness only doubled when I took up my place behind her and slowly and steadily penetrated her rectum.

I could tell that this method of extraction was taking more out of her than previous methods when she urged me to release my sample as deep as possible in her anal canal with a number of stuttering pleas.

As a result, on completion, I suggested Miss Goodbody retire to her chamber for a few hours of well-deserved bed rest.

1.00pm - After her rest, and upon returning from what I believed at first to be an errand of some sort, Miss Goodbody requested an audience with me in the drawing room.

On entering the room I was surprised to find myself in the company of two other women besides Miss Goodbody herself. They were introduced to me as a Mrs Prudence Broadbottom, wife of a local minister, and Miss Amelia Longstocking, co-owner of the haberdashery on the high street. Miss Goodbody then suggested to me that, due to the successful progress of the experiment thus far, perhaps it would be prudent to increase the number of test subjects, hence her introduction of Mrs Broadbottom and Miss Longstocking. She informed me that both women were in full possession of all the details of the testing and both had expressed a keen desire to join the experiment as soon as possible.

I have to admit that I was somewhat taken back by Miss Goodbody's suggestion. She truly is a real treasure. Her support of the experiment is second to none. I am humbled to think that its continued success is due, in no small part, to her unwavering dedication and commitment to it. Put simply, I don't know what I'd have done without her.

As such (just like on so many occasions previously), I could do nothing other than wholeheartedly endorse her recommendations to the delight of all in attendance.

3.00pm (Extraction #1 of the new chapter of testing) - The sight of all three women naked in my laboratory almost moves me to tears.

Has an experiment ever been so endowed with such a dedicated collection of individuals? Though I am loathed to tempt fate, I have to admit that I have allowed myself a brief fantasy of academic honour and national glory (with Miss Goodbody by my side, of course) at the prospect of success.

However, as I sip Miss Goodbody's new tonic, quietly toasting that success, and watch as she and Miss Longstocking prepare Mrs Broadbottom's rectum for acceptance of her first sample, I realise that there remains considerable labours ahead of us all before any such accolades will be forthcoming.