ExBoyfriend

*This story is based off the events mentioned and not mentioned in the song EX-Boyfriend, by Lil Dicky. It will be told from each characters point of view. Enjoy

*

EX-Boyfriend

"How in the hell did I get here?" Cris thought to himself, as he was blindfolded and strapped to the Saint Andrew's Cross. I knew I shouldn't have invited Katie and her boyfriend out drinking, but it had been forever since I had seen her. Cris reflected back on the day he met her and up to the point where he ran back into Katie as his legs were strapped to the cross....

"Urgh, another day of work," Cris told himself as he shut off his morning alarm and got out of bed. He began his warm up for his morning workout routine, which was already a simple task since his legs exceeded the length of his bed. Being 6"4', not many beds met his height requirement to sleep in. However, being prior military, he had learned to sleep anywhere. Also due to being prior military, he had picked up a rigorous workout routine that he continued even after being out of the service for the past 6 years. It seemed to fit his body well as he continuously got stares and smiles from the ladies everywhere he went. But being the 34 year old virgin that he was, Cris never realized the intention behind their smiles. Looking like a cross between Ashton and a little bit of Hugh Jackman early Wolverine days will get that reaction. Plus somehow he managed to keep a nice tan year round without visiting the tanning salons. When he was enlisted, his squad members insisted he was part black.

After finishing his workout routine, Cris showered and got dressed for work.

"Glad I only have a morning shift today," he thought to himself while lacing up his boots and sliding on his vest. As he started to walk out the door, he was stopped by a bark.

"Ha-ha! Bet you thought I was about to leave didn't you boy?" Cris said to his dog as the Newfoundland walked up to him. Cris had received a Newfoundland puppy from his first girlfriend's family when he was growing up in Minnesota and to this day, he continued to have one. Cris went to the cabinet and got out a can of dog food for Kal. Cris mixed the food with some kibble as Kal looked on.

"Don't worry boy, I wouldn't forget to feed you. I'll add extra to your bowl since today's a long day. But I should be able to wrap up everything in the office and be home by 5 to take you out for a nice run this evening. The days are getting colder and nobody likes to work long on casual fridays, so it's the perfect time to stretch your legs with a nice run," Cris explained to Kal, as he placed the bowl of dog food down in its place.

"Now, don't mess up the place while I'm gone" Cris said over his shoulder as he walked to the door. Being an investment banker does have its perks, he smiled to himself as he closed the door to his modest two-story home. Never would've thought a Leather Necked jar head would get this far in life, but he was proud of what he had accomplished since getting out of the military. Cris walked over to his truck and got into the giant F150. Being tall still forced him to have to duck his head to get in, even in the massive frame of the vehicle. He started the massive raised truck and drove into work.

Meanwhile across town...

"David, bruh, it's been 3 months and you still ain't smashed? Yo,you need to cut that chick loose dawg," Nate joked with David as they played NBA2K17.

"Naww bruh, you don't get it. Peep this. I been datin' this girl named Katie, she hot as hell. Her body is crazy, vagina shaven and it don't smell. I don't fall for chickens, but this one's a little different, body sickening, plus she's good at making breaded chicken. She got me thinking she the one, man. Hell even fully clothed, shawty really fun man. You know I've had a lotta hoes, but none of those come close. I swear this the most that I've ever felt so damn exposed. Oh, yeah there's one more thing, and I know this shit's gonna sound insane, but I still haven't hit it. I admit it, I wish I was kidding, but I've never been up inside before." I explained as the game wound down. I was whooping Nates ass with the Utah Jazz.

"Damn, I was just bullshittin' to throw you off yo game bro! Didn't know you really was blue ballin' after this chick bruh. She sound like she savin' that shit for marriage bro." Nate apologized as he attempted to catch up, down by 12 with 2min left. The outcome was looking bleak for a comeback.

"That's because she's only fucked one guy before and though I really wanna boink this whore, she's still my sweetie 3.14. So I'm stayin' patient and masturbatin'. Hey Nate, pause the game. I just got a text message. I don't want you to blame me pausin' it for this ass whooping you gettin'. Oh shit son! It's from Katie!" My heart started racing as I read the message.

"Ok, you can unpause it. I'm 'bout to finish this game off and send you home bro" I said after I read the message.

"Damn dude, you soundin' all emotional and shit. What it say?"

"Nothin'. Just that tonight we gon' do some fornicatin', so you know hells yeah I'm down! I'm 'bout to go all out. I'm gonna pound that crazy, like an elaborate black man handshake."

"Jigga what? An elaborate black man handshake, really? Ain't no handshake I do elaborate. Ain't my fault if you ain't got rhythm with the handshakes you be doin', ol' busted ass," Nate exclaimed as the game ended. Being a sore loser, he attempted to blame the game on the comment.

"See?! Comments like that is why I was throw'd off all game. No wonder I lost! Next game ain't no talkin' when we playin'! I know and you know, ain't no way Lebron losing to no soft ass Utah Jazz!"

"Yeah,yeah,yeah, anyways you need to bounce! Katie said she headin' this way around 4, so I gotta get dressed and ready to put in some work cause we going out to get something to eat first before the main event. Don't let the door hit yo ass as you roll out bro" I said as I gave Nate a handshake.

"See, that shit right there, elaborate as fuck, boy" I said as we finished the handshake and he walked out. Time to shower. I wonder what smell good to put on for tonight. I know she be feelin' that Curve, but I think I'm gon' try that Gucci Guilty cause I'm gonna feel guilty about what I do to that pussy tonight.

But back at Katie's place...

"Girlllllll, you been stringing him along for damn near 3 months, when you gon' give David some pussy? I know you want the dick! We been friends since high school, even went to college and moved out here to New York together, and I ain't ever seen you make a guy wait this long,or shit, even seen you wait this long for some dick. I know you getting tired of going to the store and buying batteries. The damn stock boy already starting to set batteries aside for you. As soon as you walk into the store, he be waiting there in the battery aisle for you, and don't say you ain't noticed that either" explained Gertrude, my best friend since high school. We were sitting at the kitchen table in my townhouse getting my client's list in order for their upcoming appointments. I was explaining how things were going with David when she went into that barrage on my sex life.

We had became friends back in Minnesota when her parents moved to our town from Germany after getting out of the Air Force. Her father was an average sized black man, that ended up becoming the Sheriff of our town by the time we were seniors. He kind of reminded me of a mix of Samuel L Jackson and Ashton Kutcher. You know, always looking mad, but had a weird sense of humor that always seemed to work. Gertrude's mom, which it took me forever to realize, reminded me of the 'Cash me outside chick.' Guess that explained where Gertrude got her way of speaking from because in the suburbs we were in, nobody else spoke like her. Even up to this day, after her degrees in Environmental science and Engineering, she always resorted back to speaking like she was some kind of hood chick when ever she was telling me off.

"All I'm sayin' girl is give him some. He's been the best guy I've seen you datin' and I can tell you are startin' to fall for him. I haven't seen you this lovey dovey since high school when you were dating Cris' stupid ass," she continued, bringing up the name of the guy who's V-card I had tried to take. Then after we broke up, he told the whole school about it because I wasn't thinking of the proper church values of sex. Hell, since then, he is still the only guy I've failed to sleep with, and he's my inspiration for everything I've learned in order to be successful in my current job. When he ridiculed me our senior year, something snapped inside me. I began studying and researching all I could about BDSM and kinks. I found out that there are lots of older pervs that would pay good money to be abused, tortured, used to my pleasure, and even clean for me. It helped a lot during college as tuition was expensive at State, but I am currently making a decent living with my job as a professional Dominatrix here in New York. Which is what has led me to be very cautious about who I even think about sleep with. I mean, it's been impossible to find someone attractive, sweet, charming and into me while being a gentleman the whole time without their only interest being centered around being abused and my slave. David has been the only one so far and his only annoying trait is his nickname, Lil Dicky. I'm really hoping that it isn't a moniker he lives up to because I've decided to put everything out in the open and let him know we were going to have sex tonight.

"Trudy, you know what? You are right, and I already texted him and told him we were going to have some fun tonight. I'm just nervous because... what if he thinks I'm too freaky for him? I mean, look at my place...." I trailed off, pointing out all the various items and toys that were strewn across the room and in random spots. David had never been to my house and I was afraid to show him this side of me. How would he react to finding out his girlfriend enjoyed busting and torturing balls, having men, and at times women, licking her heels and toes? Sometimes being used as living furniture, let alone the big ass Saint Andrews Cross that took up a portion of the master, correction, Mistress' Bedroom. Many a fun and painful night for my clients have been because of the spankings and peggings they have received while attached to the cross and at my mercy. Especially when they were blindfolded and not expecting the lashes, thanking me for each one and begging for the next one. I got slightly moist at the memories from my last client.

"Earth to Katie! Girl, his ass is head over heels sprung on yo ass. You know he ain't gon' trip about nothing he see. Besides girl, you need to find out if he really is a Lil Dicky having guy or not. You know MY motto, Teeny doesn't mean weeny because if it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face." Trudy laughed as she got up from the table and headed to the door.

"Girl, just enjoy yourself tonight. And you know I'm just a call away for any helping hand you may need," she offered as we walked to the door. A helping hand she had been before for some of my clients that wanted to find out what their true limits were.

"I know, you are always there when I call. Now get going. I gotta get dressed and ready for tonight." I closed the door and began to prepare. If everything went right tonight, I would not only have a lot to explain, but an actual boyfriend to share my experience with.

Cris

Well, so much for an early night off from work. I thought today would be a simple day, but our client from Singapore decided he wanted to go with a different firm and I had to spend 4 hours talking him back into staying with us. I angrily thought to myself as I exited the elevator to the parking garage. I need a drink, maybe I'll go check out the bar across the street. I know I was going to take Christ for a run today, but we can always go in the morning. I reasoned with myself as I walked to my truck to put my briefcase in it. Worst case scenario, I can take a cab back tomorrow to pick up my truck. Besides I'm not going to get too drunk tonight. Wow, it's gotten pretty cool this evening. I realized the change in the weather as I exited the parking garage. Yes, a few drinks will not hurt me. I walked further down the street towards the light to cross when someone catches my attention from the corner of my eye. Damn she is cute! Her long blond hair and smile kinda reminds me of my last girlfriend Katie, but that can't be, I'm pretty sure she is still in Minnesota. Katie became so withdrawn into books and the computer lab after the broke up. After graduation,everyone just sorta went their own separate ways. There's no way that could be her. I continued walking towards the girl and the bar. She doesn't seem to recognize me, so that's totally not her. Besides after all these years what would I say to her? Sorry how things ended. I was scared of the things you were talking about doing? No way. I'd just come across as a pussy. Besides if that is Katie, she looks happy with whoever that rough looking guy is with her. He looked like the Teenwolf from the 80's. Definitely could do a lot better if that was her. Wait, is that Katie? Looks like her. Same blondish colored hair she had in high school, cut slightly to the side in front. Same little dimple by her left cheek that only shows up when she gives that fake grin, just like it is right now...oh shoot! It is Katie!

"Katie! Katie is that you?" I shout towards the couple as they approach, looking directly into her eyes as we get closer to each other. She looks at me and I see she the recognition in her eyes. The guy she's with, just gives a look of blank confusion. Hope I'm not interrupting anything special.

Katie

Wow, tonight's going really well. David's dressed up really nice. Dinner was great and we are finally heading back to my place. Kind of nervous of how this will play out when we get back and I could use a drink just to edge the nerves. I really hope he doesn't freak out when we get to my place. Wait a minute, who is that walking up towards us? That... that looks a lot like Cris, but it can't be! There's no way in hell we are both in the same city and happen to be walking down the same street towards each other, no way in the world. Wait, did he just call my name? OMG it is Cris! How in the world does this happen.?! I gotta explain to David who this is walking up to us calling my name. It's so embarrassing and now he's asking me who he is.

"David, I want you to meet my ex-boyfriend Cris."

David

Great. Tonight goin' good, we heading back to her house for the first time and I'm about to beat them guts up... wait a minute. Who the hell is this walking up to us calling Katie's name?

"Oh, he's your ex-boyfriend Cris." Cool. I guess.

Now I ain't the one to be the jealous type, but as I'm looking at the dude, I can't believe my eyes! 'Cuz he's the best looking guy I've seen in my whole life. He's got the thickest head of hair, chiseled jaw and egregios bod. I think he might be the closest thing I've seen to a Grecian God. Now I'm looking at Katie 'cuz I know he's been in her raw, aww damn. This dude used to fuck Katie? Shit I bet he left that pussy ravaged like Haiti. I know this bitch is not hugging and squeezing his muscles. What the fuck, we were 'bout to go fuck and they want to go get drinks?

"Okay," I said as we walked into Maggies.

Man this Muh'fucker look like Ashton, combined with a little bit of Hugh Jackman. In other words he so damn attractive, so damn tan, he gotta have some black in him. And this muh'fucker payin' for it all since he an investment banker. Oh hells naw! He flossin' on Katie. What to do, gotta salvage this shit. I'm trying to smash still tonight so can't flip out. Fuck it, I'm gon' head to the bathroom.

"Katie, I gotta go use the restroom, I'll be back. Cris? Cris was it? Watch my lady, but don't take off with her," I tell them as I leave to go take a piss.

So I walk to the restroom and start to take a piss and this mofo walks in after me and takes a piss next to me. He might be tryin' to stunt on Katie and he might be better lookin' than me, but I be damned if his dick is bigger than me. I had to see and was mad discreet as I got on my tippy toes and took a peek. Fuck...

Now I ain't usually the one to be the jealous type, but as I'm looking at his dick, I can't believe my eyes! 'Cuz he has the biggest cock I've seen in my entire life. Now I'm staring at this dude's soft dick with a lot of hate 'cuz this shit is plus eight, like Jon and Kate. I don't know if I can date my girl after tonight. Shit, Shit,Shit! I don't know what to do! Dude's dick is like really huge, I didn't know a penis could be so smooth. I know that she's missing that, my penis damn sure isn't that. I'm looking closer. I think that his dick has abs?! Six pack on a dick, what the fuck is that? It's so long and thick! It's like a punching bag! He got my dick looking like a raisin, man he's hung like Saddam Hussein. What the fuck should I do?! Fuck..he's staring at me staring at his dick. Fuck this guy, I'm out. I tuck my little raisin in and zip up my pants. I flush and walk to wash my hands. He is still there pissing. Damn, he is pissing like a racehorse. He's got like a Longhorn steakhouse dick and mine's like a drive-thrus. I think it's just time to tell Katie my goodbyes.Ii cant survive seeing what was between his thighs.

Cris

My plan is working. Spending a little cash on her, getting him drunk so he doesn't even see what I'm planning. I'll just keep getting him drinks, what was it he had? Oh, Hennessey. I didn't realize how sexy and attractive Katie still was until we sat down. Oh, hes her boyfriend huh? Not after tonight. I'm going to show her what she's missing and will have her eating out the palm of my hand. If I play my cards right, I'll have her back in my life and soon to be my wife. Oh,she says they are somewhat serious. Nice, I hope he hasn't had sex with her yet because once she sees my cock, I know she will be mine. Let me keep flirting with her and get him to explode. I know she will be embarrassed and get mad at him. Damn, he decided to go to the restroom instead, let me wait a few moments.

"Katie, I have to use the restroom too, excuse me," I say as I flash my perfect white toothed smile and head to the restroom. I know once he sees my dick, he's going to freak out. I walked into the restroom and spotted him. Perfect, the urinal next to him is open. Time to show this boy who the man is. I walked up to the urinal and started to pee. Yes, just as I expected, he's trying to sneak a peek. Well let's let him see the whole thing. I turn my head to look at him while he stares. That's right, soak it in. My dick is Filet Mignon compared to your rump roast. Ha! He sees me staring at him staring at my cock. That's right, flush and run, maybe my dick did the job. Let me give him a few moments to say goodbye to Katie before I walk out.

Katie

Good, he went to the restroom. I have to act fast. Let me call Trudy. Come on, come on, pick up the phone girl.

"Hello?" Trudy answered after the fifth ring.

"Trudy, it's Katie, I need a favor. You remember Cris? Well we just ran into him outside Maggies and he's been flirting and throwing money around like it's going to catch my attention, but here's what I want you to do. You remember when you said you would be a helping hand? Well get to my place, you know where the extra key is. I'm going to have some fun, get some revenge and you can even get some action tonight to from Cris' dumb tail. I gotta go, David's coming back and he looks pissed." I quickly hung up the phone as David approached.

David

"Look Katie, this dude's got a dick that I don't comprehend. I had to move my neck to see it end to end. I mean the physics of his dick just don't make any sense and I think it's for the best if this comes to an end because the sex with him must of been the best. I would say let's just be friends, but I would think about his dick all the time, so I'm just gonna say goodbye." I reluctantly told her. I spent three months trying to get with her and this muh'fucker showed up outta nowhere and snatched her away. Damn it, I can't stand this dude. I give her one last kiss on her forehead and start to walk away from her when she stops me.